Now you’re thinking with portals! Don’t forget, though: “Speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.” So being ejected from a horizontally-oriented exit portal at terminal velocity is still probably terminal.
We already have a minimal fireball weapon technology, and you’re not allowed to use it on obnoxious drivers now. What makes you think magic changes any of that?
The cleaning ability would be handy for doing laundry: Perfect dry cleaning every time. Heck, you wouldn’t even need to take your shirt off if you were to spill mustard on it. In fact, it might be a superior substitute for a shower.
Pathfinder Artifice Domain (Clerics):
Artificer’s Touch (Sp): You can cast mending at will, using your cleric level as the caster level to repair damaged objects. In addition, you can cause damage to objects and construct creatures by striking them with a melee touch attack. Objects and constructs take 1d6 points of damage +1 for every two cleric levels you possess. This attack bypasses an amount of damage reduction and hardness equal to your cleric level. You can use this ability a number of times per day equal to 3 + your Wisdom modifier.
Just a simple touch on a parked car or reaching out your window…
What cop is going to believe someone saying “He launched a fireball at me!”?
Personally, I’ll take levitation, especially if it’s instant and controllable. It would make those mistakes skiing down the mountain hurt a LOT less.
In the Critical Failures books, the poor sorcerer’s horses are almost never used as mounts and usually get called into service to block a stairwell while fleeing from goblins or something. Of course, I guess that doesn’t come up often for you either.
Assuming I can’t cheat with the ability to use Wish or some other mass-reality altering spell, I’ll probably settle for a Polymorph type ability.
If this worked iwe’d have used it to summon you! How have you been, Malleus, Incus, Stapes!? Seems like I haven’t seen you post in ages.
I’d like the power of healing, for me or other people. Teleportation and Charm would also be very useful.
Charm Monster would come in very handy. I’d just need to get into the same room as the President Elect.
Yo dude, lighten up. This is supposed to be a fun thread. Don’t take it so serious.
The Heal spell, I believe, heals and cures anything except old age.
Raise Dead,Reincarnate and Resurrection spells.
Timeless Body, does not stop death from old age, but age does not in any way reduce or impair you.
The changelings minor change shape.
Efreetis wish ability. Trolls regeneration. A number of different ways to stop aging completely.
BoredFlak the Bolt-Lobber is already on it:
Personally, I would like to see someone with the clerical healing and curing spells. A faith healer who could produce predictable, replicable results would get a lot more faith out of me than the current crop of televangelists.
Indeed. For completeness, though, an energy calculation:
The spell allows creation of two portals, one up to 10 feet away and the other 500 feet. They are 10 feet in diameter.
This corresponds to a cylinder of roughly 3 meters in diameter and 155 meters long. A tungsten cylinder that fits this space would weigh 20.8 million kilograms.
The portals last for 600 seconds. Assume we use 500 of this to accelerate (and the rest for energy generation). Using the STGISTCO principle, the cylinder accelerates continuously, and will be traveling at 4.9 kilometers/s at the end of that phase.
That’s 250 TJ of energy, or the equivalent of a 60 kiloton bomb. Assuming I can repeat this every 10 minutes, that’s an average of 417 GW, or a couple hundred nuclear power plants. At 5 cents/kW-h, that’s about $3.5M worth of energy, but I suspect I can sell for more to states like CA since the energy is perfectly clean.
I’m a dungeon master. It’s my job to think through the unfortunate and unintended consequences of ill-considered player choices. It’s also my joy and pleasure to do so, so it all works out well. For me. Not always for my players. 
Is there such a power as Adorability? Cause in my personal experience if you’re adorable it’s like a license to manipulate people.
That’d be Charm Person.
Back when Car Wars, the tabletop wargame, had it’s own magazine, they came up with a magic system, that included Fireballs.
I won Honorable Mention in a contest for creating new spells–Summon Demon Cyclist.
Soul Jar
That spell has a number of issues, not sure it’d be that great since you’d have to use it on everybody one at a time and it would eventually wear off. What would be far better and more ethical to boot would be some sort of Charisma buff, and I’m fairly sure at least one of the NWN computer games had that. It had a duration of “until you go to sleep” as well, which would make it really handy.
Makes me think of Kilgrave from Jessica Jones. If you are unfamiliar with the show or comics, let’s just say that his use certainly isn’t ethical.
I never really played much, but I seem to recall something called a “bag of holding”, that would let you put whatever in and be able to carry it easily.
I drive a Jeep. So I would like a “bag of holding” to carry two extra Jeeps for when they will inevitably break down so I can get home. 
I’d like the ability to make bags of holding 
I see two potential customers in this thread alone. Plus, I already love the look in Manly Men’s* faces when they see that I brought less luggage on a week trip than they did; being able to do it with a small purse instead of a computer bag might count as a psychological WMD.
Gatopescado would get one decorated with a picture of a kitten entangled in a fishing net. If he complains I’m adding pink ribbons.