My father was raised by his adoptive step father, not his biological father. My husband has a full blood sister who was adopted by another family as a baby. My own son is an adoptee. The close blood ties that are not secured by a relationship that my husband has with his sister or my father with his biological father are nothing compared to the ties my husband has with friends he has known since elementary school, the tie my father had with his father, or the relationship I have with my son.
It’s the family you make that counts, like Silver Tyger Girl said, people earn each other’s esteem and affection.
I love my folks and grandfolks but the rest of those douchebags I share genes with can go piss up a rope.
Blood family doesn’t seem to guarantee anything more than obligation. For example, I have twin cousins who are a little slow, if the rest of the family keeled over, I’d feel obligated to help them out and make sure they didn’t owe debts all over the place.
I really don’t care at all about my extended family. I grew up pretty far away from them - closest were about ten hours drive away, farthest away were in Israel. I’ve got a few uncles who I’d be hard-pressed to recognize if I passed on the street, and most of my cousins I would simply never notice. (I don’t even know the names of all my Israeli cousins - for that matter, I’m not sure of their ages or genders.) I’ll help out when someone in the extended family has a problem I can help with, because these ties do matter to my parents - but they really don’t mean anything to me personally.
My immediate family matters a great deal to me, of course. My parents are, well, my parents - a bit nuts, I love 'em regardless. And my sister is by far the smartest person I know - I trust her implicitly.
I guess I will be kind of the minority here, though not completely.
I feel some obligation to my siblings and my double-first cousins that is independent of my affection for them. I despise my older brother and think the South would improve enormously if he’d just move to Alaska or something. But if he needed a kidney, and I was the best match among the siblings and double-first cousins, I’d give it to him, because he’s my brother. I love him in a sense that’s entirely separate from liking him. I like my other siblings a lot more, and I’d give them all a kidney.
Which is not to say that genetics trumps everything. My best friend from college and my best friend from high school are both like sisters to me; in fact, I get along with them better than all but my baby sister. They are both family no less than my blood family, and if I had to make some silly hypothetical choice between one of them and one of my actual siblings, I would generally choose them, except for in the case of my baby sister.
My son’s sister, whom I sometimes refer to as Cinderella the Rhymer is neither a blood or a legal relative; I was never married to her mother, and our main connection is through my son, her half-brother, who is no longer living. But nonetheless I have come to love her as if she were mine. It was not always so. I used to think of her as being like a niece. But we’ve gotten closer recently for several reasons. Intellectually I know the genesis of that affection is perhaps irrational, that it was fueled in the beginning because I feel guilty for being such a fuckwit to her brother for the first half of her life. But I don’t really care, because I love her and loving her makes me feel good.
Among my generation of Rhymers, I’m unusual as regards our cousins, of whom there are a lot: 6 double-first cousins, 15 or 16 first cousins, and at least fifty first cousins once removed, second cousins, and second cousins once removed I’ve met from time to time. I love all the double-firsts but am neutral about the rest. I’d not give 'em a kidney, but I’d lend them rent money if they needed it and I had it.
The person I love most in life is my wife, whom I frankly don’t even like much at this point.
Very little. My mom and dad, I love very much, but it’s not because they’re blood relatives - they raised me and took care of me and I appreciate and love them. However, both of my parents are from Southern California, and consequently, most of my family lives there. I grew up in Northern California, and saw my extended relatives maybe once or twice a year growing up, sometimes even less (I also have first cousins who grew up in Mexico and the UK that I hardly ever saw). I don’t feel a very strong connection to them at all. To be honest, when I participate in family events, it’s usually because my mom wants me to, and I feel an obligation to her, not because I feel an obligation to the cousin getting married or whatever.
My mom hates it that I feel this way, and is always telling me about what my second cousins or whoever are up to, but I really don’t care that much. I am somewhat interested in my first cousins and my aunts and uncles, but when my mom starts giving me updates on HER first cousins, who live in Nebraska (where I’ve never been - my maternal grandparents were born there, though, so I have distant relatives there) and that I’ve met once, seventeen years ago, I couldn’t care less.
Telling my mom that is NOT the right response, I have learned.
I also loathe Southern California and always try to evade my mom’s guilt trips about going there for stupid family shit. She got on my case about going to my uncle’s 60th birthday party a few years ago, for instance. I lived in Chicago at the time, and was far from wealthy. I’m sorry mom, I’m gonna spend my meager income and time off going somewhere I don’t like to see a bunch of people I don’t know particularly well? No, I don’t think so. (Insert guilt trip here.)
I feel similar to CrazyCatLady. Family that I have some contact I’ll treat way better than any random stranger. Family is very important to me, first and foremost. Family comes first and before many other people/things. But my family does not have to be genetically related.
My grandmother is someone whom I love very very much. She is above many, she is my one and only granny, she is very important to me and nobody better go against her. Yet we share not one drop of blood. She married my grandfather and became stepmom to my dad and his siblings four years after their mom died. And they remained married until grandpa died a few years ago. She is still family. As a matter of fact, I haven’t talked to my aunt (blood tie) since she acted really bad towards granny. I put granny (nonblood) ahead of aunt (sadly, blood related).
And in case of what I expect out of genetic ties? I do have certain higher standards of behavior for family vs others. I would want my family to be an example for others, I don’t like when relatives do certain things that I may tolerate in friends.
Bah, genetic ties. At this point from a purely evolutionary viewpoint, I’m more interested in encouraging those with similar memetic sets than those with similar genetics.
Frankly, while I do love my parents and brother, they’ve earned it by being there for me and being good people. A few of my aunts/uncles/cousins, as well. My in-laws, a mixed bag.
Most of my aunts and uncles and cousins, I couldn’t care less about. They’re just the same as any other person off the street, they have their thing and I have mine and the blood tie just doesn’t make a difference.
Some of my relatives, even as close as my dad’s sister and her family? I wouldn’t piss on any of them if they were on fire.
With one exception, all the people I called aunts and uncles when I was growing up were not blood-related to me. My oldest brother and his family has also cut off almost all contact with the rest of us, and at this point they’re almost strangers. So being blood-related, in and of itself, doesn’t mean much at all to me.
I tend to be more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s not like the genetics by itself means anything, but chances are that, if they are blood related to me, then they are fully related to someone else I consider family.
I also know that, when I was a kid, I had a crush on my step-cousins, and didn’t think that much of it.* But I also met a girl who turned out to be a blood cousin, and the fact that I was hitting on her disgusted me. Seeing as I crushed on anything that moved at that point in my life, I assume it must have been instinctual.
I find it hard to accurately analyze the dichotomy of feelings due to propinquity and what comes from genetic nearness.
What part of my feelings that results in love for my wife and all of my relatives from her side of the family comes from their presence over the years, and my relationship with them?
I certainly care for them as much as my own genetic relatives.
Since we can’t do an actual scientific investigation, I really just like to feel that my affection for them is what I should do…as the oldest relative in the clan.
Absolutely nothing. My Family consists of the people I have chosen to be in my life, on whom I can depend and who can depend on me. Very few members of my Family share any genetic ties with me.
It depends. I have a couple of cousins who I treat like brothers and/or sisters. I also have cousins I wouldn’t take the time to piss on if their hair was on fire.
But, I suppose I do generally try to be nice to members of my family, even if I don’t know them very well. Unless I have a reason not to. For example, I have an uncle who I don’t think I’ve seen since I was 5 years old. I have nothing against him, but I couldn’t pick him out of a line up. If he showed up at my door tomorrow for a visit, I’d welcome him in with open arms. On the other hand, I have an uncle who I’ve seen once a year for the past 30 years or so, and if he showed up at my door tomorrow, I’d pretend I’m not home.
My answer would be, not much. I’m about as indifferent to the relatives I don’t know very well as I am to non-relatives I don’t know very well. This may have more to do with the geographic device between me and all my non-parent, non-sibling relatives than anything else.
I found this thread because of an argument my sister and are having. I grew up calling my Godfather “uncle”, his wife “auntie” as did all my siblings and my brother & I always referred to their kids as our “cousins”. Their daughter and I where the same age and we actually grew up more like sisters, than cousins. Regardless, there is no blood relation.
Well, the disagreement started because… my son was asking my sister why her kids don’t call my Godfather’s daughter “auntie” like my kids do and she explained that it is because her and I alone grew up as childhood friends, giving my son the impression that we where just friends who grew up together. This isn’t accurate to me because she’s always been known to me as my cousin, her mom & dad are my uncle and aunt and I didn’t even know any blood relation didn’t exist till most likely near junior high!
So, I called my sister to tell her that her explanation to my son, wasn’t completely accurate imo. I didn’t like the light she put it in. My cousin is more than JUST a childhood friend. She grew up AS my cousin! All my kids know full well… that she is not my sister, she is not my husband’s sister, they know as I have told them many times, she does not share any blood relation to us at all, but we grew up “as cousins”. Her parents and my parents are aunt & uncle to all of us kids. Even my sister calls her mom aunt to this day and refers to her dad (who sadly passed away) as uncle. My dad and her dad where like brothers.
We also shared many family events growing up in addition to her family and my family also tied through marriage. I know ALL of her extended family very well and she knows ALL of my extended family very well, on both our mother’s sides and our father’s sides. I grew up with her blood related cousins and she grew up with mine. My first born is her Godson and her daughter is my Goddaughter. WE ARE FAMILY!!! Yet, my sister seems to be diminishing that reality of what a “cousin” is to me by labeling her to my son as a friend. Maybe I’m am just too sentimental toward loved ones? I just wish she would have put it in a light that honored the relationship between our 2 families instead of undermining that bond we all share.
So to answer the question, I am fully aware of the technical terms of what constitutes a relational title, such as cousin. But I feel, as do the majority of the posters here apparently feel… it really comes down to a matter of the heart. I don’t know the original thread this all spun off from, but… could a woman who raised a child (although not technically her’s biologically) still be a"mother" to that child. YES! If she acted as one. On the other hand, could a biological mother who refuses relationship with her biological child be a stranger to that child? YES! Because it is a matter of the heart!
Family always borrow and ask favors without any reciprocation ( pizza is not reciprocation for helping moving/a day spent fixing something/loaning a bigass tool to them for twenty billion years and having to call to get it back.)
Friends have always reciprocated immediately.
Family, I will do anything for, when asked, when needed. I may bitch about it.
Friends, I will do the same. I may bitch about it.
I just probably may not like the family as much.
Friends who have been adopted as metaphoric family, I will not bitch about.