What counts as a "cousin" to you?

Reading through the incest thread (in which a couple of posters point out that first-cousin marriages are more common, and less reproductively risky, than we’re commonly led to believe) made me think about a recurring disagreement I have with my darling husband about what (or, rather, who) counts as a “cousin”.

I come from a family that’s pretty close knit, mainly because my mother was raised sibling-close to all of her first cousins on her mother’s side (my maternal grandmother had a gaggle of sisters, and they were all so close that they pretty much all lived within two blocks of each other as married adults, attended the same church, spent holidays together, and laid claim to all of each other’s kids), and so is pretty rabid about The Splendid Beauty and All-Encompassing Importance of Family.

So I grew up thinking of the children of my mom’s first cousins (still with me?) as my cousins. Because I was a late child in my own family, most of these “cousins” are not my age, so I didn’t grow up playing with them or anything, but my siblings grew up with them, and I always grew up knowing who they were.

Nonetheless, sometimes I’ll say something to my husband about “my cousin So-and-So”, and he’ll be like, “Who is So-and-So, again?” and I’ll say, “he’s my mom’s cousin Who-ma-Floo’s oldest son,” at which point my husband is all, “Your mom’s cousin’s kid? That’s not your cousin!”

To him, a first cousin counts as a cousin, but anyone beyond that level doesn’t count as one.

And to be honest, I’m not sure where I’d draw the line, but anyone who has thus far descended from one of my mom’s first cousins (whether they’re children, or grandchildren) is a cousin to me, because . . . well, I know them as such, and wouldn’t dream of making out with any of them.

What about you? Where do you draw the line? (And would YOU make out with any of my cousins?)

Hmm, not sure, but definitely ‘second cousins’ in the usual sense, mostly because of how many of them I met when I was young. Only have a few first cousins, (my mom has one sister, and my dad was an only child,) but my gramma on my mother’s side was part of a BIG family that liked to throw family reunions. :smiley:

That’s actually much like my family.

I have a bunch of first cousins on my Mom’s side (13) and only a couple on my Dad’s (2) but when my Dad’s family gets together for weddings, funerals, Christmas I have about 7 or 8 cousins in my generation, then a bunch more of my Dad’s cousins (so they would be first cousins once removed I guess) etc etc but it’s much too hard to keep all that straight so we don’t bother trying. I know some of them by name, if we saw them regularly as I grew up, and I remember playing with my Mom’s cousins children when we went to Nova Scotia and I was just told they were cousins (and when Mom gets news she tells me like that).

I think a lot depends how close of a family you are. We’re pretty distant now but when I was younger we were around them more.

Actually, we had some friends of the family that were close enough that I found out later the sons of the friend thought we really were cousins, but we aren’t related at all.

Anyone with whom I can and have documented a shared common ancestor.

Prince William of England is my 26th cousin 5 times removed. Our common ancestor died in the 14th century.

He’s never attended our family reunions, though. And I never get invited to his doings either.

Practically speaking, once it’s out past 4th cousin, I don’t consider them close kin anymore.

But if you don’t consider any of them marriage material, I say they still count as cousins. :wink:

Actually, I will say that despite all of my “not-really-cousins”, I don’t have that thing where I instantly embrace some cousin I’ve just met as “family”, with all the rights and responsibilities thereof.

Case in point:

Once when I was home on summer break from college, a close male friend (and I don’t mean that euphemistically) of mine came home with me for the first week of the break. He was given my bedroom, and I bunked in with my mom (my parents had separate bedrooms) for the duration of his visit . . .

. . . except for one fateful night, when he and I both fell asleep watching a movie (in separate twin beds, with the door wide open) in my room. Morning came, and my mom was LIVID that I’d slept in the same room with him! I’ve never seen her so pissed off. She basically told me that I deserved to be raped. :eek: :mad: :frowning:

Cut to later in the summer. My friend is gone, and a gaggle of family has come to town for a reunion. One of my mom’s first cousins has brought along her grandson, Jimmy, who’s about my age, and whom I’ve never met before in my life (this particular cousin of my mom’s has lived halfway across the country since before my birth, so I don’t know her kids and grandkids well at all). Jimmy is sleeping on the family room couch for the duration of the reunion . . .

. . . except for one fateful night, when I am out with friends, and Jimmy falls asleep watching a movie in my room. I come in late, find him sacked out on my bed, and since I don’t want to wake him, I camp out on the family room couch for the night.

In the morning, my mother finds me on the couch and wonders what’s going on. I explain the situation, and she wonders why I didn’t just sleep in my room with Jimmy!

I politely point out the evil things she said to me when she caught me snoozing in the same room with a guy I’ve known for three years, and who’s never laid a hand on me (despite having slept with me in my bed at school on several occasions).

“But,” she maintains, “That was different - Jimmy is your cousin.”

Dude, I’ve just met this mofo! I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me, and if he is a rapist, do we really think he’s going to be all, “No, wait - this is my cousin! I’d better go next door.”

:confused:

I’m just sayin’.

But I’m not bitter.

Wull, have you invited him to your family reunions? And do you have beer? I’d bet he’d show if he knew there was going to be beer.

So do you actually *know * any of your fourth cousins? I’ve always been confused about how that works (about when you “once remove” and when you jump another cousin-number), but I don’t think I really know any 4th cousins well.

Yes, I do actually.

I’ve a number of sets of 3 x great grandparents who died in the small area I live, and the family names are pretty recognizeable. The local genealogy community (of which I am a member) keeps everyone pretty well sorted out.

Share grandparents, and you’re first cousins.
Share great-grandparents, and you’re second cousins. etc.

If your grandfather was the other person’s great grandfather, you’re first cousins once removed. If your grandpa was their great-great grandpa, then you’re first cousins twice removed. etc.

There are some helpful tables to sort this out, VSLOTS88: Link Daftar Situs Slot Online Gacor Terbaru Gila

Cool - thanks!
And it turns out I’ve been doing it wrong; so my “cousins” that my husband doesn’t consider cousins are second cousins/second cousins once removed. I was removing way too soon.

This is quite fascinating!

For the record: Your (first) cousin’s child, or your parent’s cousin, is your first cousin once removed. Your cousin’s grandchildren, or your grandparent’s cousin, is your first cousin twice removed, and so on. Your parent’s cousin’s child is your second cousin, and your grandparent’s cousin’s grandchild is your third cousin, and so on. The first, second, and so on refer to the number of generations between the “older” cousin and the common ancestor, and the “removed” number is the number of generations difference between the cousins.

In my family, anyone (approximately) second cousin or closer can be titled “cousin” (that is, referred to as “Cousin Firstname”). Any further than that, and a person would be referred to as “Firstname Lastname (she’s your third cousin once removed)”, or similar.

I guess there really isn’t a cutoff on my mothers side. My parent’s cousin’s grandchild would be my cousin. However, that doesn’t mean I feel a connection to them. I really only feel connected to my first cousins and their children. Probably because I wasn’t raised around my parents’ cousins. A lot of my father’s cousins live in the area, but we wouldn’t recognize each other if we met on the street. If he runs into them when I’m around, he’ll say "this is your cousin [so and so], but to me they’re *his * cousins, not mine. But I still wouldn’t date any of them, so the familial connection is there.

But I had the HUGEST crush on the younger son, and we played house more than once. He was my first kiss. :wink:

Actually, what really startled me was when my Dad told me recently that their Mom thought it would be cool if I married the older son. :o This is a recent comment… quite recent because when I commented that I thought he was married, I was told he’s now divorced (I haven’t seen the elder in awhile, though I’ve run into the younger a couple times when I’m in Edmonton).

In my ongoing correspondence with a third cousin in Australia (I’m a Yank), we routinely address each other as “cousin”. I met a few cousins in England a few years ago who were even more distant than that.

FWIW, none of them got me hot. :smiley:

We don’t actually call each other “Cousin So-and-So”. We just call each other by name. It’s only when I’m identifying a cousin to someone outside the family that I use the word “cousin”, as in, “my cousin Mike”, just like I’d say “my friend Ted” or “my boss Annie” if I were talking about a person to a third party.

Well, except for one of my cousins, who simply calls all of us “Cuz” . . . maybe because he’s smoked so much pot that he can’t remember any of our names. :wink:

Ewwwww! Gross! I’m totally telling!

Oh. Well. Nevermind, then. :stuck_out_tongue:

So how did your dad react to this news? I, too, have a close family friend whose father always hoped that he and I would get together . . . but even my mother was squicked out by that one.

I only have 6 first cousins and I am close to all 4 of the female ones. I only acknowledge up to second cousins and I went to high school with two of those and knew them quite well. The family relations also reinforced that we were related so that made it easier. I don’t think I could make a big deal past 2nd cousins though. As as aside, most of my female cousins are insanely hot past the bounds of normalcy and I always felt left out, jealous, and pissed off as other guys were ogling them.

This is actually a continuing issue with me and my mother.

I have never been terribly close to most of the family and have only spoken to, but never met, one second cousin. That to me is the limit of the family. I realize that I have legitimate third cousins, but I don’t even know their names and wouldn’t treat them any differently than anyone I meet off the street.

My mother has people that she calls cousins who are no closer related than her mother’s cousin’s stepdad’s barber’s son. In other words they are no closer related to me than anyone else on this board. Yet she actually has gotten on airplanes to visit these folks and asked me to send Christmas cards to them.

I’ll refer to someone as a “parent’s cousin” if they are closer to my parents’ age than mine. But while I’ll be saying it, I’ll be thinking how stupid it is, since technically they’re my cousins too.

It gets kind of confusing sometimes, because some of my first cousins on my father’s side are considerably older than me, so much so that their kids are closer to my age. It wasn’t until I got to be a teenager that it solidified in my brain that the cousin I used to play with the most on my father’s side was actually a first-cousin-once-removed, rather than a first cousin (his mother, the oldest grandchild in the family, always felt more like an aunt to me than a cousin).

In practice, the people I view as cousins are the ones who’s names and connection to me I know. In the past I’ve gone to family reunions where most of the people are strangers, but technically they are relation.

My mom’s cousins and their children count as cousins to my brother and I too, not just my aunts and uncles’ children. (but I don’t even know most of my first cousins on my dad’s side; most of them are much older than us) We were also close to some of my mother’s aunts and uncles as well.

My mom was raised pretty closely with her first cousins.

One of her cousins owns a restaurant/catering business. MY [first] cousin got a job there, as a chef, out of chef school, on his own merit (not nepotism). Then me and one of our other cousins got a job there, through the nepotism of our first cousin.

So, we (me and my first cousins) have become close with our moms’ cousins. We call the owner and his brothers “Cousin Firstname” and they refer to us as such as well (actually, everyone at the entire restaurant calls us that). Now, the owner’s kids work with my first cousin and he calls THEM “Cousin Firstname.” So when I see these kids, I call them the same.

I guess in our family, then, anyone that falls under the family tree under my mom’s aunts and uncles is “cousin.” Above that is “Aunt Firstname” and “Uncle Firstname.”

I think I’ve met up to my third cousins. It’s confusing on my mom’s side because she has a uncle that is actually younger than her. So she has cousins that are still in high school, but which I have to call uncle because Koreans are anal like that. I guess they’re my first cousins once removed, but whenever we introduce each we just say “cousins” because we can’t be bothered.

To me, the word “cousin” implies they’re of the same generation as I am - I just loosely divide up my relatives into aunts/uncles and cousins. It’s easier to keep track in Korean families because all the males of a single generation will share a common character in their names.