Are you less of a family member than your spouse and kids?

In My Humble Opinion
1

From this thread talking about how the OP gets fewer presents than her husband and their children from her in-laws.

Do you agree with this? Are you less a family member than your spouse and/or kids are for your in-laws, or vice-versa?

I definitely am not as special to my in-laws. My grandmother-in-law still sends letters to Mr. husband’s name then puts a caret after the Mr. and writes up above the line “and Mrs.”, but I don’t know if my husband would say he is for his in-laws except (and here’s a big exception) he’s not going to inherit anything if I die before him.

But with all the talk about how sacred and special and profound and lifelong a marriage is, shouldn’t a son-in-law or daughter-in-law be a full-fledged member of the family? Or do these pants make my butt look naive?

2

I’m not married now, but I used to be, to a southern man with 6 brothers and sisters. I was pretty much accepted by his family, and southern people wouldn’t deliberately make you feel uncomfortable if they can help it, but no, I wouldn’t say I was equal in his mom’s eyes. And that was okay with me- I can understand not being as important as one’s own child, as long as I’m treated with respect. I have my own family and friends if I need to be important to someone.

3

The opposite. My partner and I agree that each of us is more favored by the other’s family. We don’t think this reflects an attempt to avoid homophobia. After my father had died, my mother and sister both joked that they wished they were lesbian and could find someone as wonderful as my partner. Earlier today, among my Christmas presents was $25 in a card that said “with love and you make our family complete” from my in-laws.

Families are weird. I don’t know why they behave as they do.

4

There’s just no way around the fact that your child is the most important person in your life, to a sane person anyway, and their spouse is not the same thing.

However, good in laws should TREAT them as if they are, in visible matters. My parents are great in laws. My wife and my sister’s husband receive the same attention, the same sorts of gifts, and all that. My parents won’t even buy cards that say things like “To our son and daughter-in-law”; in fact, they will not refer to her as “daughter in law” if it can possibly be avoided. She and my wife’s husband are treated as full fledged members of the family in every possible way. Do they feel the same down in their hearts? Of course not, but they sure try, and go to paisn to be as fair as possible.

My father in law isn’t as good at that sort of thing but he’s not bad, to be honest. Their family has struggled with a number of issues but they’re getting better at them with practice.

5

I was taken aback by that post, and I think it’s a cruel way to look at relationships.

Sure, when a spouse first comes into a family, there is some adjusting all around. But: if that new person loves my family member, and makes him/her happy, then I try to embrace them into the family. Over time some strong loving bonds can be built - until the new spouse truly becomes a family member.

My husband’s family does their best to include me, and treat me just as well as “blood” kin; and they also treat my two children as well as they do my Hubby’s two children.

6

We don’t do presents for anything past puberty in my family (a tradition I am daily thankful for), but inlaws are treated differently, but not, I think, as second class. If anything, they are given a lot more latitude to not be around, are not really expected to help out, and generally are not the butt of jokes the way full bloods are. We are much more sensitive about them. Much of this comes from having a very weird family–my mom is one of 12 and there are grandkids and great grandkids out the wazoo and so in-laws of all ages and stripes of life. There’s a general feeling that they’ve done their part just by voluteering to show up at the madhouse, and asking anything else of them would be an imposition.

I don’t feel “sister-like” towards either of my sister-in-laws, but I live 800 miles away from those brothers, so our conversatations are polite and small-talkish, always complimentary (I love your new living room furniture. How are the kids doing in school?) I suppose they might see a lack of warmth there, but there really isn’t any shared history to foster warmth. Unlike the way I treat the brothers they married, I wouldn’t directly contradict them or get into an extended debate with either of them. It seems like it would be high-pressure and unpleasant for them, and not sporting.

7

I’m more a part of my in-laws’ family than I am of my own. There was some adjustment at first, seeing as how I was from another country, and I’m somewhat older than their daughter. But they’ve treated me like I belong since day one. I’m not aware that any of them have had a harsh word to say about me, nor reason to.

Those other people, with, you know, my blood in their veins? They haven’t wanted to talk to me for years, don’t know anything about my life and apparently don’t give a shit.

8

My Dad has gone out of his way to make sure that my wife is treated as one of our family. (My Mother has been dead for many years, so she really doesn’t figure into this discussion.) Dad welcomed my wife-to-be into our family long before we were married, and I don’t think any father would have been prouder of his son and his daughter-in-law on our wedding day. Since then, my wife has been a full-fledged member of our family, according to my Dad, who never forgets her at Christmas, on her birthday, and so on.

I have only met my in-laws a couple of times–they live in another country–but when I have met them, they have made me very welcome, and seem to be glad that I married their daughter or sister, as the case may be. They take an interest in what I’m doing, even when it’s a simple phone call with my wife, and that’s good to know.

9

Well, I don’t think it’s the same thing as your own child. There’s always going to be a special feeling for your child who you raised and everything. But certainly your children-in-law ought to be treated the same and given equal gifts.

That said, my in-laws like me fine and don’t exclude me or anything. I feel pretty awkward around them for various reasons, but not because they’ve made me feel inferior. They’ve always made it clear to all their DILs that they’re pretty thrilled to have their sons married to such nice people.

My parents are about the same; they love their kids-in-law and give them presents and everything. My dad spends more time with my husband than with me, they’re practically best friends. I think my SILs are great people and that my brothers mostly got better than they deserved. :wink:

10

I think there’s always going to be a stronger bond with parents and child versus parents and son or daughter in law and grandparents will always spoil their grandkids.

That said, what made the quoted post so obnoxious was the implication that it’s okay to treat a person like sh** because they are seen as a lesser family member. And that is not okay in any shape or form.

It’s too bad nobody taught IntelSoldier that manners and gracious behavior are good things.

11

My daughters-in-law are full members of the family and are treated as such; I think I treat them the way I would if they were my actual daughters. Obviously I don’t have the in-depth knowledge of their growing up, but I do try to remember things like their favorite colors and interests.

It helps that they are great people and my sons are lucky to have them.

12

I think the Favorite Child rule applies here. It’s natural in a family that one will like some members more than others, but you should do everything possible to make sure that you’re not playing favorites. Or, if you can swing it, make each one think that they’re your special favorite.

It’s rude if one’s actions make a family member feel neglected or unloved no matter what the relationship is on paper.

13

I agree with the posters who say yes, you’re probably not going to be as highly bonded as your spouse with their parent or your kids would be with their grandparents. But it’s damned tacky for the parents of the spouse to treat you like shit just because you’re “only” kin by marriage.

14

I get on well with my mother in law. However there’s just no way that relationship can compare to that between a parent and a child. I wouldn’t expect it too.

15

This is definitely true for me with some of my inlaws. It doesn’t help that I’m a vegetarian which a few of my inlaws can’t even seem to comprehend, and one who’s treated it as diet-of-the-week along with veganism and macrobiotic eating, among others, doesn’t see why I’d eat that way for the long term. I’m also the only daughter-in-law, as my husband is the only son in a group of daughters.

My father-in-law has done little to hide that at times he doesn’t think I’m worthy to be married to his son. I don’t fit the image of the daughter-in-law that he had. I thought that being married for years might mellow him out, and I thought it had, but a couple years ago I heard him obsessing over the fate of his mother’s engagement ring that was willed to my husband and given to me - we wouldn’t sign a pre-nup about it, and FIL talked about tearing it off my hand if our marriage faltered. Then again, he has bipolar disorder and loves the highs so he won’t get treated, so it’s hard to tell how he’ll react any given day. My mother-in-law seems to have accepted me from the start but unfortunately she’s descending into senile dementia these days.

On the other hand, my mom loves my husband and would have practically wanted to adopt him if I didn’t marry him. She’s also better at picking out clothing for him than any of his family members, which he’s thrilled by.

16

Oh yes, lower than the family dog…

This is not because I am an evil, awful DIL, but just that I married the eldest son in a Japanese family. His mother barely tolerates me (feeling’s mutual) though his father likes me well enough.

In the family heirarchy it goes with my husband way, way, wayyyyy out of sight at the top, then just below him, hovering almost equally my elder son, then way, way wayyyyy below him my younger son, then grovelling about somewhere in a pit, the better to be ignored - me.

For me, I don’t care. She is bitterly disappointed that her son married a foreigner who won’t bend over and live with her to be bullied and downtrodden for the rest of her days. But my younger son, who is absolutely and utterly the spare, has been very hurt by her lack of regard for him. She has never once been to any school event or any other occasion for the younger one. She used to fly the length of Japan to attend the elder one’s events… (Now we live a couple of minutes drive away from them.) It took the older one demanding that she also give a present or cash to the younger one for her to give anything to him at all. She will do it to please the elder one, and because she knows that we will either instantly divide anything she gives the elder one or hand it right back.

As for examples of me being less of a family member - I work till 9pm on Thursday nights, and my husband asked his parents if FIL could pick up the kids from their after school club at 6pm, feed them, and keep them until I or he got off work. (MIL spent SIX YEARS whining at me for not living with them so that she missed her grandson desperately and was so sad that she couldn’t help me look after him… We move to their town and this is what happens. GRRR)
They agreed, and FIL faithfully gets the kids and takes them home. The agreement was that my husband will turn up at their house as soon as he finishes work, which can be any time between 7 and 9pm and because he is the Eldest Son and Must Not Be Expected To Cook For Himself (and because DIL is a selfish cow going to work at night and not cooking up good nutritious meals for the hub and kid) he gets to eat there too. Me - by the time I come to their house the kitchen is dark and shut up, and one night last month when my elder boy wasn’t well and they went home before I got there, the house was locked up and in darkness. No Food For You, you selfish cow was the message. So basically they joyfully feed husband and elder son, grudgingly feed younger one and I can get lost.

As of this month I have had enough and though FIL has agreed to keep picking the kids up (or I’d have to give the job up) they will be brought here and eat a convenience store dinner that night. I am tired of the grovelling thanks and apologies I am expected to come up with week after week.

Hahhhh. Rant over!

Yours, the family dog. Woof!

I should say in MILs defence, she is an ignorant, uneducated farmer’s daughter, and simply does not know any better - it is not through maliciousness that she does this, just ignorance.

17

Just for completeness, I do want to expose another aspect of this. If sons-in-laws and daughters-in-laws are full-fledged members of the family (as they should be), and given equal gifts and an equal share of attention, how does this make those of us who never marry feel?

I don’t expect that my parents should spend the same amount of money on Christmas presents for me as they do for my brother, his wife, AND their children. But I can’t help feel a little resentful when brother, sis-in-law, and I each get a fifty dollar bill and a few token gifts. And I likewise don’t expect to recieve presents from my brother and his family that exactly equal dollarwise what I give to them. But it still sucks to be the one expected to come up with four times the presents–and make your holiday travel plans around the needs of the “other grandparents”

Yes, there’s something a little unbalanced if you (a married person) feel like an afterthought to your spouse’s family, and Hokkaido Brit’s mother-in-law’s attitude is definitely off-kilter, but it is sucky enough to be single and lonely without wondering whether the portion of your parents’ estate, attention, and love which you are entitled to has shrunk from half to a third or fourth or even less.

I’m not usually as bitter or depressed as this post makes me sound. But on the other hand, I had an exceptionally quiet Christmas yesterday, and while I don’t mind exactly, complaining here is a better choice than making a fuss next weekend when we all get together at my brother’s house.

18

My MIL takes great pains to make sure that nobody feels slighted at Christmas. If anything, she goes overboard. I do, however, have the best MIL in the history of the universe, so there’s that.

19

You are right, Eureka that single people have it hard too in some ways at Christmas. And yet it is hard to complain either, as you point out. As much fun as Christmas is, I think it is a time when differences and inequalities get flung into sharp relief. On an everyday basis I think that for most people, including myself, these things are often just niggles in an otherwise satisfactory set of relationships. Sympathy to you for what you are feeling right now though.

Right now I am feeling a bit lonely in that Christmas is NOT understood here in Japan, and though I do my best to create it for my kids, it is all my effort, struggling all the way. My husband likes that I do all this, but if I never bothered again he simply wouldn’t care - it’s not part of his culture. So if I want Christmas, I do it. All. And I do want it, so I do it, but it is lonely.

My mother and most of my family this year either sent nothing for my kids or a little bit of money (and by the time it translates to yen, it really is a very little). They all cited the price of postage, and as they are all pensioners on small incomes, I absolutely understand and don’t mind. After all they have been very generous for years previous, and the money has to run out some time. I understand all this on an intellectual level, but then I run up against my husband who expects the kids to have one present each, as that is what they do here. I do obey it sort of (one big present) but anything they need in the month or so leading up to Christmas gets saved to be wrapped up so they get some other stuff in their stockings. Hub always relents at the last minutes and gets something too but it is hard going to persuade him into the mood and it is just tiring, year after year.

So then tonight I called my mother and father during their party for all the local family plus my brother and his girls. I talked to one of my nieces on the phone and asked her what Granny and Grampa gave them (expecting to hear about the dolls house my dad made them) and as I was on speaker phone my mother heard the question and yelled across the room “Oh! Too many presents to count!” Well thank you very much mum when my boys got a little game each from you, and they were listening on our end. (This is unjust of me too, seeing as when we do actually visit England, my boys are showered with every sort of attention they could want and are loved as completely as the other grandkids, but still, it stung.)

20

My husband tells me that if something should happen to our marriage, he suspects his mother would keep me (his father died before we ever met).

I adore my daughters-in-law and take my cue from my MIL in how to treat them. My MIL has always welcomed me into the family and never made me feel as though I were less than either of her sons.

I do wonder if the gender of children in the in-law’s family makes any difference. My husband is the elder of two sons, and I have two sons also. Gaining a daughter by marriage has seemed like a huge bonus to me. My husband believes his mother feels the same way.