I think proximity matters a whole lot, too–if you live fairly close, you are in and out of each other’s lives a lot more–especially if grandparents are helping with childcare. It’s hard for closeness to develop when you live a thousand miles away and only spend a few days together once or twice a year. You never get beyond polite chit-chat, everyone is in best-foot-forward mode. If your son or daughter in law are over weekly, you hear little gripes about work and they see your messy kitchen and you get to a very different place.
As far as money goes, my parents have always had a “to each according to his needs” sort of thing going–no gifts (our Christmas is a Thanksgiving-style day), but if you are in trouble or get hit with an unexpected expense, they will help out. I have no idea how that’s averaged out over the years, because we don’t talk about it, but it’s never caused any resentment–if I’ve needed less in recent years it doesn’t bother me because I like knowing that if I need more, it will be there. Money always goes to families, not individals, so there is no discrimination there.
So do you believe that proximity helps or hinders the first class family member feeling?
I don’t live close to family, my DILs are in MI and TN respectively (we are in MO) and my MIL is in OK. So we really aren’t in each other’s houses all the time. I can see that seeing someone’s dirty kitchen might lessen your opinion of said person’s ability to clean, and I can see that absence might really make the heart grow fonder. But again to your point, if you know the mundane details of daily life, you might also have a chance to feel more affectionate with the in-laws.
That’s the opposite of what I mean–seeing someone’s dirty kitchen and when they are in a peevish mood encourages closeness. I see my sister-in-laws only at full family gatherings (either the six kids (+ spouses + kids) in the immediate family or the larger family reunions which have at least 50 people there (my mom is one of 12) and conversations never go beyond the polite. I’m not going to challenge them, argue with them, even disagree with them–I’m going to tell cute anecdotes about my life, listen to their anecdotes, admire their children and compliment their clothes. Unless I ever live much nearer to them than I do now, I don’t think I’ll ever move past that–not because I don’t like them–I like them rather a lot, though we have nothing in common–but because close relationships can’t be formed from superficial contact. I don’t see or talk to my brothers any more often than I do to thier wives, but years of shared bathrooms and squabbles mean that if they say something rude I’ll tell them to fuck off. I’d never, ever, ever say such a thing to their wives. It’s a different standard of behavior.
Absolutely. My SO’s family adores me, they accept me without reservation and are wonderful to be around. However, when it comes to presents and such I very much come second. I don’t mind the situation, but he comes first to them. That’s just life.
Her attitude’s not that unusual for a rural Japanese woman. And when Hokkaido Brit’s MIL gets too old to take care of herself, guess who’s job it will be?
My MIL and step-FIL give their children, spouses and grandkids gifts of approximately the same value. They even give gifts of the same value to step kids of their children, even if they’ve only been in the family for a few weeks. They are very good about that.
My mom gives each couple (we’re all married) a cash gift of the same amount. She also gives each grandchild, married or not, a check for the same amount. Looking at it one way you could say she gives her grandchildren a certain sum and the spouse gets nothing, but I don’t choose to see it that way.
I have one daughter-in-law and one son-in-law, both of whom I love dearly. I would never slight them for birthdays or Christmas.
A friend of mine could tell stories similar to Hokkaido Brit’s. Her MIL would show up with dinner plates fixed: one for her son and one each for her 3 grandchildren. Not so much as a burnt chicken back for her daughter-in-law! Craaazy! This woman had been her daughter-in-law for some 20 years at this point. The son would never stand up to his mother and demand better treatment for his wife.
My FiL has told my husband that if they ever have to disinherit him, or he dies or something, they’re keeping me. It’s nice to be adored by the inlaws. I adore them, too, so it’s equal.
We’re both very lucky in the other’s parents- we of course don’t have the same length of relationship, but we all get on very well together, especially me and Mr. Lissar’s Dad, step-mom, and his mother. They’re all very, very nice people. I do think unfortunately some of it is contrast- Mr. Lissar’s brother is married to a girl who drives everyone up the wall. I come off all shiny by comparison. Not just that, though- we have pretty similar senses of humour, and read the same sorts of books. I just fit into his family well. I’ve never felt the slightest bit excluded.
And parents on both sides of the family load all the kids down equally with presents, sons, daughters, husbands and wives. Doesn’t matter. The grandkids get a little more stuff, but that makes sense. They’re kids, and grandparents are supposed to spoil 'em.
My MIL, Goddess bless her sweet soul, was the bestest MIL you could ask for. I was terrified that she’d hate me but after one visit, we got along swimmingly.
Now,you want to talk about an MIL who is a psycho hosebeast, that was my dad’s mother, who I never met. If she could have dropped a thermonuclear warhead on my mother, she would have. Nothing my mom did was good enough for her, she lied to mom and dad constantly about things and was just a right mean old bitch.
My in-laws treat me very well. I think they spend about an the same amount on me as they do on the kids/grandkids. Not that it would matter if they didn’t. I certainly do not expect them to spend an equal amount on me, and would totally understand if they didn’t. I’m not their child. My family treats my husband much the same way his family treats me. My mom, dad, and grandma all spend about the same amount on him as they do on me.
When I was married I was treated less than a family member. I never got presents from the in-laws. I did get presents from my wife and them but never just from them. My wife would usually get me one present with just her name on it.
Two months after we were married they wanted to go on vacation and take my wife with them but not me. I wasn’t really bothered, just a smidgen, because I figured they wanted one last “family” vacation with out the burden of non-blood family members.
Then about eight months into our marriage the in-laws wanted to go on another vacation like the one above. This time I told my wife how it bothered me but she did not see anything wrong with it. Four months later papers for divorce were filed.
There were other instances but the vacation thing bugged me because I would have paid for myself to go with them.
Absolutely. I have a polite but strained relationship with my in laws. We exchange gifts when required by custom but that is about it. I think we are all pretty clear that if anything should happen to my wife or if we would divorce, then there would be no relationship at all between us.
I think it depends on a lot of things, such as how one is treated generally (outside of gift-giving scenarios.) My mother-in-law has treated my husband and I as equals since we hooked up, whereas his father really only started to do this after we got married (our year of engagement they totally forgot to get me a gift at all, and that did hurt my feelings.) They have made it clear that they respect and enjoy me as a person and while I know I cannot replace their son, they do have a special place for me in their hearts.
His grandparents have always been pretty explicit in the separation in most cases – for Christmas they usually write one check, but explicitly note how much is supposed to go to each one of us. Usually I get 50% less. (Please also note my husband’s birthday is 3 days after Christmas, so oftentimes it’s a combined gift.) Now if they were treating me like utter shit I suppose it would make sense for me to feel slighted, but these are the folks who took both of us (and their whole family) to Europe this summer, where we all received equal treatment and I felt welcomed and a part of the family.
The bottom line is, I don’t care. I don’t care how much money I get compared to my husband because ultimately I feel like a part of the family. And, secondarily, he shares the money with me anyways. It’s not the gift-giving traditions that matter, but rather the way you get treated on a day to day basis.
My wife is definitely more important to my in-laws than I am. But then, I’d have to say that our kids are occupying about the same rung on their importance ladder that I am. And frankly, none of us are that important to them. And they’re from the deep south. Go figure.
My folks liked my wife better than they liked me too, but they put our kids on the proverbial pedestal. A pity they passed on so early, they’d have been helpful to have around in coping withour kids’ adolescences.
My parents adore my husband and treat him like one of their own, which can be both good and bad. Occasionally, I have to remind my 33-year-old husband that it’s a sign of love when my mom tells him, “What are you thinking going outside like that?! Put a coat on right now!”
My father-in-law has always treated me like a member of the family. At my wedding, he hugged me and said, “Now I have two daughters!” My mother-in-law has never been anything but nice to me, though I suspect that her kids will always come first in her heart.
The tricky part in our family is that my husband’s parents are divorced and they both remarried once the kids were grown and out of the house. It’s been a struggle for the kids to think of their parents’ new spouses as members of the family, though of course we always include them in any invitations and gift-giving. It’s especially difficult when one of the spouses sees themselves in a parental role, which is not how the kids see them at all. My father-in-law’s wife (who is childless and who married my father-in-law last year) recently referred to herself as a grandmother. My husband and I had the same visceral reaction–“the hell you are!” I recognize that this isn’t quite fair to her, but she never has had and never will have a maternal relationship to my husband in the same way that I can have a filial relationship with my father-in-law.
When they were alive my mom & dad-in-law loved me like their own son. Probably more than their own son who was a bit of an arrogant pig. I can say that with them and the granny-in-law I was at least an equal to their bloodkid. Losing them sucked. I was pretty young when my dad died, so I can’t say which was worse. Losing them definitely hurt worse than losing my mom will.
Maybe I was more family to my in-laws, but only because I wasn’t seen as very family to my bloodfamily.
Hell, my spouse is probably MORE special than me to my family. Everybody loves her to death. I’m not a bit jealous, and am glad she drags me along, I also love her to pieces.
My wife’s family of course seems to like me, but she’s the special one to them. That’s fine.
It does amaze me how mean and bitchy these MILs are to their daughters-in-law and how very short sighted it is. I sometimes want to ask her if it has dawned on her just WHO is going to be responsible for her health and happiness just a few years down the line, and if she really ought to be pissing me off so very badly???! But I have so far managed to bite my tongue and not say it. I do however call her on rudeness, unpleasantness and just WTFness, which is what makes me such an awful DIL. I should just shut up and take whatever she dishes out.
My best weapon/defence is to laugh at her like she has just made the funniest joke in the world when she tells me for example that if I just got up at 4am like she does, I’d have time to get all my housework finished. I just peal with laughter, and say “Oh Granny, you are cute! And what do you think I do with the five hours a day I am up after you go to bed at 8pm? What a funny old lady you are!” And she cuts her eyes and me and slinks off to think up some other insult!
My husband is far more special to my family than I am. He is, without exaggeration, the son my mother always wished she could have. It actually really pisses me off, but that’s because my mother is absolutely insane, and I know my husband would prefer it if she left him alone. My sisters like him more than they like me. My grandparents adore him for the same reason my mom does. If the phone rings and I recognize their number, I just give him the phone so he can answer. They never call to speak to me.
Of course, it evens out, because his parents considered me the daughter they never had. His mother gets a huge thrill out of shopping for me (or dressing me like a doll. whatever). And i was never made unwelcome. In fact, his father was always really proud of me, and I’m sorry he died before he had the chance to see me get my MA.
My mother plays favorites with my children. My son is her favorite and always has been. She of course denies that fact but even he can see it.
For example. For Christmas my daughter found some nice accent shelves that were on sale at Kohls. She sent me a link in an email to add it to her Christmas list. I in turn sent it to my mom and stated the she wanted them for Christmas.
She did buy them but complained later that she felt they were to expensive ($30) and that she could have bought an entire bookshelf for that price. Now I agree with that but these are accent shelves. They are suppose to be for decoration not for holding books. She understood that but added that she is “one of those people” the kind that likes to you know “decorate” and they were not worth the money.
Now she spent the exact same amount on her grandson. He wanted some anime series for $30.
So $30 is okay for entertainment but not “useless” decoration. :rolleyes:
It’s nice to be adored by the inlaws. I adore them, too, so it’s equal.