Hey everyone. This gives me a headache, and I’d like to know your opinions.
We got married in October (I actually created one post about it), and we didn’t get any gifts from my spouse’s family. Yes, we feel it’s messed up, But whatever, this post isn’t about it. My wife’s sister got pregnant around the same time we got married. She attended our wedding, didn’t help us with anything even though we asked her (I needed her help with my hair and she promised to come earlier but instead she was 2 hours late to our ceremony even though she was supposed to be a witness). On top of everything she wasn’t talking to me on our wedding dinner, and was giving me attitude because I sent her a message after her being 1.5 hrs late that we’re starting without her, and she doesn’t have to bother anymore and go straight to the reception. She was telling us way before we got married that she’ll give us a gift but never did and avoids the topic, whatever. Anyways, now as she’s pregnant she kind of acts like my wife is obligated to help her out once the baby is born. It’s too early for the baby shower but I just feel that if she didn’t give us anything for our wedding, we shouldn’t give anything to her either. Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m just being logical. I don’t work, I go to school full time (my sister pays for it), I have thousands of $ to pay for my immigration fees. My wife is working and getting payed a little bit above minimum wage and she’s a full time student as well. We don’t have any savings because all we got four our wedding from my wedding guests we spent on all the crazy fees. Now, my wife’s sister is first of irresponsible for getting pregnant now because she planned it, she has 2 years left to get her degree, her relationship is falling apart, her boyfriend doesn’t have a job, they live with his mom for free, and she’s now trying to get fired on purpose because she doesn’t like her boss. Instead of saving money and working more now as she can she’s very thoughtless, and thinks everybody will take care of her baby and she’ll be just sitting and doing nothing. She knows my wife and I have no savings but she’s sending her pictures of all the fancy stuff she wants for the baby: formula machine (it’s basically like a coffee machine but it’s for formula-so dumb, and it’s $250), stroller for $1,500, etc, and she’s basically suggesting that my wife should get it for her because this is her first nephew/niece.
I just worry because my wife’s family is very irresponsible when it comes to money. They all have huge debts for years including the sister who’s on her way of going into debts since her credit cards are completely maxed out, she’s leasing a car for $500 a month and she’s trying to lose her job. I know my wife thinks you always have to help your family because this is where you come from, but I just feel like there is a difference between helping someone who is trying to achieve something, and helping someone who just doesn’t care and wants to stay in need forever because that’s comfortable.
So now since I described a little background, am I a bad person if I just really don’t want to get her a gift?
No - you would not be a bad person except maybe in eyes of your spouse’s family.
However you can be a better person by giving a gift for the child. The child hasn’t done you any harm as it’s innocent. There’s even a possibility that the person who didn’t give you a wedding gift might even feel a little bad about it. One can only hope.
Of course you’re not a bad person for not wanting to give her a gift.
But I think you should give her a gift. She sounds like a piece of work, but you’re stuck with her. Might as well keep things between you civil. Also, you may need her to help you. Giving her a gift will make it that much harder for her to say “no” to you in the future.
I know it’s ridicules, preparing a formula takes literally 3 seconds, I’ve done it thousands times in my life that’s why I don’t get this. And instead of asking for gifts like this she should be saving money for diapers because that’s going to cost a lot…
I spoke to my wife about it. I said of course I won’t tell her she can’t go to visit her nephew or niece but I don’t see any reason for her sister to ever call her and ask to babysit because she has as many people around as possible, and we live much further from her than anyone else.
I agree, she’s my wife’s sister so if I like it or not I’m stuck with her. I know we are not best friends and most likely we will never become that either, because we are two completely different people, but I’m nice to her whenever we see each other.
I work really hard on “changing” my wife’s mindset, so that we won’t end up in debts. Before she met me her credit cards were also maxed out, and her family was taking money from her all the time. She didn’t have a good plan for the future either, and she was just accepting the fact that “everybody has to struggle”, which my sister and her husband proved her is not true. I have nothing against this kid- I also have two nieces that my wife loves more than anything else. I’m just scared that her sister will stay irresponsible and this way we’ll have to help her out financially all the time instead of focusing on our future.
I’d get her a small gift that is within your budget, like an outfit or a book for the baby. I think a book would do the kid the most good, if the parents would bother to read to him.
It sounds like, with their spendthrift ways, this prego lady may honestly not understand finances enough to realize how ridiculous it is that she’s expecting you to shell out a ton of money. Is your wife on board with you about not spending a ton of money on her? That’s really the important thing. Please make sure you and your wife are on the same page about this. You don’t have to spend a ton of money on someone to show you love them, especially when you really don’t have savings.
Everyone should ideally have a solid emergency fund saved up before spending lots of money on others. It’s just part of sensible financial planning.
You have your problems and she has hers. If she wants a bunch of stuff she can’t afford, that’s her problem. She’s the only who is going to have to deal with not getting it. Don’t let her make this your problem, and don’t get your problems mixed up with her. I know you are feeling a lot of financial pressure, but you need to try to seperate that emotionally from your feelings about your wife’s family. It’s your business and has nothing to do with them.
When people have babies, it’s polite to get the baby a gift. There is no minimum price range on this. Get what you can easily afford.
This is the first main difference between me and my wife’s sister: I always think ahead and I make sure I’m ready to do something before I actually do it, and I am willing to work very hard to do better in life. She on the other hand does’t worry too much about anything, and she’s lucky that her boyfriend’s mom let them to live with her absolutely for free without even helping her to clean the house which is ridicules. But one day she may tell them to move out because they are both lazy adults, soon without any job and with a baby crying all the time, while this woman is working every day so she’s waking up early to go to work.
I don’t like lazy people that are irresponsible on top of everything. Honestly I worry more for this baby than the future mom because i know how much things cost. She doesn’t even bother to buy a book or look up at a website for future moms to see what she cannot eat. Instead, my wife is doing it for her. I just can’t understand how people can be so reckless.
I saw a picture of this stroller when she was next to me, and that’s when I asked her. Then when I saw the price I said: “you’re not getting her a stroller, are you crazy?”, and she said that she knows, and she’s not. I know she wouldn’t just max out her credit cards again just to get it (in the past yes, she would but now she knows she can’t have debts because this will pull us both down). And also when we had a talk she said she wouldn’t get her anything without consulting it with me because this would be unfair with me.
That’s true, you’re right. We just can’t afford to get a stroller, and I don’t want to get a useless gift like a stupid formula machine while there are much more important things that the baby will need. Because the baby is not going to care if his mom is making a formula with a gadget for over $200 or if she just simply pours water and puts a scoop of enfamil into a bottle.
I know, this is my wife’s sister, they used to do everything together. I also have sisters so I understand. But the way this girl looks at everything is ridicules. For example both my mother-in-law and my wife’s sister tell her that she doesn’t need to work if she doesn’t feel like working, that she shouldn’t go to school to become a nurse, but get a job as EMT instead, etc. When my wife was fired from a job couple months ago her sister’s response was “good, you should be happy because that was a stupid job anyway, f**ck your manager”. And there is me pushing my wife to do her best and telling her she doesn’t need to end up in debts like the rest of her family smh…