Do we have to (should we?) give a baby shower gift to a person that didn't give us any wedding gift?

This is what I would do. As a shower gift, I would give her a gift certificate for a service (which could include cleaning or babysitting). For example, If you give her a certificate for 12 hours of free babysitting it serves a dual purpose. It allows you to give a gift that is inexpensive to you and at the same time reinforces the notion that your babysitting skills are a valuable asset and cannot be expected at any time free of charge. Otherwise, I would go with something that would be useful to the baby. As noted, you can get books or outfits without breaking the bank.

Ana12, you sure are obsessed with gifts, aren’t you? You’ve been on this board two days and started two threads about not getting presents. And that’s all you have done. Not a single post in any other threads or forums. What brought you here? The chance to gripe?

Wait, what is your problem if I can ask? Are you stalking me or something? :confused: Because that’s what it looks like. I can literally see you: old perverted loser that has nothing to do.
What I post is MY business, and sorry but I’m not sorry, you have abolutely nothing to say :slight_smile: So if you don’t have anything smart to say…bye Felicia :wink:

12-hour babysitting gift certificate costs close to $200, this is over my budget (I’m not working and not getting any money from anyone). And it is a good gift idea for working parents but as I said, baby daddy is unemployed for a year, and mommy is doing everything to get fired from her job right now. And they both have young parents (not older than 45 years old) that are apparently very excited for the baby.
I think I’ll go with some smart books and baby outfits!

It’s funny that you said it because my wife’s sister actually was telling her way before she got pregnant that she’ll be dropping her baby off every weekend at our house and enjoying herself. But she’s very unlucky right now because we live with my sister that (thank god) will not allow it.

I have some in-laws like that. I’ve been married 25 years, and it smart you are planning now, but realize that by marrying your wife they have become your relatives, too. These people will be around for the rest of your lives and while it’s important to set limits you should also take the high road and not become petty, vindictive, or start or participate in family feuds.

And that’s why you need to put your foot down now.

Some families are like that - everyone going into debt to help everyone else out. It doesn’t work real well, but if that’s what you grow up with that’s what you think is normal.

Some of your in-laws will regard you as cheap, selfish, and mean because you put your own interests first. Are you prepared for that? Let me be clear - I think your first obligation is to your wife and any children you have, but others, particularly those used to getting by on the generosity of others, will continue to apply pressure to get you and your wife to give in. You will have to deal with this for the rest of your marriage, so try not to get to worked up about it. Your wife may change, but you can not change these other people.

Does your wife WANT to change her mindset? Is she working hard on it, too?

She is that way because she has gotten away with it all of her life and hasn’t had to be any other way.

Your wife looking up things on websites for her sister is something you shouldn’t get in the way of - she is your wife’s sister and they obviously have some affection for each other. Helping her sister probably gives your wife satisfaction.

However, both you and your wife have to be very clear on your own finances, and your wife has to be strong enough to resist requests even though her family will probably push back hard at times.

As for the gift - yes, you should give a shower gift for the baby. But not a large one you can’t afford. That’s taking the high road and being the better person.

An alternative would be for your wife and several other people to combine resources to purchase a more expensive gift, but again, your wife’s share has to be something affordable. Very important not to be the one to use your credit card and then hope everyone else gives you their share - almost certainly one or more people will back out.

Actually, what you post is everyone’s business - that’s what posting something for the world see does - and people will forms opinions about you based on it.

An electronic community is still a community, and this one is no so large and forgiving as one like, say, reddit.

You are not allowed to use personal insults against other posters in this forum (or any forum other than The Pit). Please don’t do this again.

No warning issued.

You could always give them a case of prophylactics and leave it to them to try and deduce the meaning of such a gift.

If I was one of them, I would certainly figure it was some kind of insult. But, I wouldn’t understand just why it was an insult. I am still not insulted and in order to understand the meaning of that gift, I would pretty much have to be in on such a joke. After all, it would most certainly be an “inside” joke and I don’t know just why it would be funny.

I think that any gift that makes the recipient scratch their head and wonder just what the Heck is the meaning of such a gift would accomplish the purpose of making them wonder just how big an insult it was for them to have behaved in the way they did.

Alternatively, you could just “lose” their contact information and never find it again. That may well be a better solution than any weird gift that would appear to be an insult.

However, I would certainly go to some lengths to let them know that I did not appreciate their behavior towards me.

No. Give a certificate where you will offer to look after the baby for 12 hours. (Not consecutively, unless you want to.) That is what was meant by “inexpensive to you” and also reinforcing the idea that your babysitting time has value and is not free to her. Then once the certificate is used up and she asks you to sit, say “I’m sorry, I’m not free” or “Sure, but I’ll have to charge $15 an hour.”

If you want to bypass your sister in law, buy a US savings bond in the child’s name that matures in 20 years.

No, there is no reason to let others shit on you just because you share the same blood.

In your other thread (which I did read and no, I’m not stalking you) about how your wife’s family didn’t shower you with gifts at your wedding, you claimed that it wasn’t about the gifts, it was that it’s just so rude to celebrate someone’s occasion without bringing a gift. You were all Emily Post about how incredibly RUDE it was to not give a gift.

And yet, here you are in this thread wanting to know if it would be okay to celebrate someone else’s occasion without bringing a gift?

You’re not a bad person for not giving a gift. However, you certainly will at least look like a bad person if you go through life keeping score with family members and exchanging tit for tat over every little perceived slight or insult. You’re coming off here as extremely judgmental and hard to get along with, just so you know.

Stay strong! I hope your wife can, too.

First of all, you were married in October. Technically, she has another few months to send a wedding gift.

Secondly, for your own sanity, quit keeping a ledger. I know plenty of people who are not big spenders, but who are extremely generous with their time and/or talent. Assume it will all balance out in the end and quit stressing about it.

Thirdly, you’ve already outlined how this woman is a financial mess, so it’s more mature of her to not send a gift v. giving you a gift that will further sink her. Besides, wouldn’t you rather have had her she show up and celebrate your union without a gift vs staying at home because she couldn’t afford a present?

Finally, resist the crazy. I’ve seen couples who are poorer than church mice who, upon signing up for a baby register, lose all sense of practicality. For instance, my cousin’s 18-year old son’s baby mama registered for baby wipe warmers…and she is on WIC (a governmental subsidy for moms and babies). Seriously, chick? Then we have strollers that cost more than my first car, crib-sized bedding that is 5x more expensive than I’d spent to dress my king size sized bed, baby food blenders (as if the Oster couldn’t do the job), special diaper garbage cans… you name it.

So while I do think that you should give a gift, that doesn’t mean that you have to fall into that trap. Instead, get what you can afford and give it with a generous heart. If that means going to a second-hand shop and getting a perfectly good used stroller vs. the new one with gold ball bearings, so be it.

“Don’t keep a ledger” is the best advice you’ve received in this thread. Take it to heart.

Today we had a “little” talk. She told me that she has been raised that you should always give others things even if they don’t give you anything back ever. I don’t agree with that. I give things to people that I can count on when I need them too. I’m not Saint Theresa to help everyone that literally don’t give a crap about me because I want to achieve something in my life, and it’s not my fault they they don’t. But this is where me and my wife are different…
She tells me she wants the same things that I want in life. But I’m just really scared that people from her family will ask for money even more often than they do now when she actually achieves something better in life than they did. That’s why at least for now I don’t want to joint our accounts. I just don’t need more stress than I have. I don’t want to wake up, look at my account and see missing money that she “landed” to someone, and then I have to wonder if they will ever give it back. Is it something wrong? I think everybody has a right to choose how they manage their accounts, no? I know we’re married, and it’s not like I don’t trust my wife. I just don’t trust her family where literally every single person is in debts, and they don’t even have their own places but live with their other family members or friends instead.
And combing resources that would be probably the best idea, and thing that they would do, because as I’m saying they’re absolutely broke, and whenever they actually give a gift to someone they all put money into it together. And I wouldn’t absolutely let her pay with her credit card because I know for sure she’d never see any money from them…

Well yes, this is a public post but I wrote it, and nobody will just come and tell me what topics I can or cannot start. If this person had really nothing to say (and he obviously din’t) then why did he even come and tried to insult me? Because clearly he has some issues, not me.

I love your idea!!! :smiley: You actually made me laugh because I’ve never though about that! lol
I think that would be a funny inside joke because they were never using any protection (but still, my wife believes that even though they had baby names ready last summer and they were talking about having kids ASAP, doesn’t mean they planned the pregnancy :smack: )

Ohh that is a great idea! Thank you! I’ll make sure to inform her I’m not a free babysitter because even her own grandma said she will be charging her.