Christmas Gift Exchange Dilemna

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am having a gift exchange issue and need to see if I’m being a jerk if I decide to do something about it.

My parents split up about 15 years ago. My mom left my dad for her girlfriend, who she’s been with since since the split. There are four of us siblings plus my mom’s girlfriend has three kids.

Traditionally, we’ve done a gift exchange between “our” family - usually drawing names, including my mom, so we don’t get each person a gift. They (the girlfriend’s family) would do the same amongst themselves. Then we would do a white elephant exchange between both families. All of the people involved are adults, btw.

Now, I like my mom’s girlfriend fine but I was already in my twenties when they hooked up and I don’t consider her a second mom or anything like that. Her kids are fine but I’m not close to any of them and maybe see them half a dozen times a year for holidays and occasional b-days. During these occasions we all get along but since I’m about 8-10 years older than they are, we don’t really converse much and I never socialize with them outside of the family events.

Last year, the youngest daughter of my mom’s girlfriend decided she wanted to start a new tradition and combine the two families for the traditional gift exchange. This is okay. I’d rather purchase a gift for someone on our side of the family, but I’m game if it makes everyone happy. But it’s not enough to have a gift exchange. No, we have to MAKE the gift. This apparently is not an option - any suggestion that you will purchase a gift (which is what I did last year) instead is met with utter disdain by my two sisters and mother. They were all blessed with crafting/art/visual skills where I am not.

I really resent being told I “must” do it their way and feel my only option is to bow out of the exchange entirely. I’m not trying to be a bad sport - I just don’t think anyone would want something I made with my hands. Not only that, but I have this performance anxiety because last year’s projects included a fantastic quilt, a pen and ink drawing, a LAMP for christsakes, and several other items that are well beyond my abilities or desire for time investment.

We did a drawing already so we could all work on our projects now. I drew the name of the youngest daughter’s fiance. I have met him exactly three times and have not said much past hello. Thankfully, they decided to re-draw in July because of the absence of one of the other daughters. Last year, I did say I preferred we keep the gift exchange as it was but would go along with what everyone else wanted to do. Now, I feel I have to speak up or be forced to make something for a near-stranger every frickin’ year.

Would you just grin and bear it, bow out entirely, or say it’s my money/time and I’ll get a nice gift but that’s it?

2

We have an extensive local craft fair here every fall; have you got something like that in your area? My response when asked if I made the gift; “Well, SOMEONE hand-made it.” :slight_smile: If that isn’t good enough, they can get stuffed (also known as The True Spirit of Christmas).

ETA: You’re also usually supporting local artists and crafters by doing that, too.

3

That’s not a bad idea, Cat Whisperer.

If that’s not an option, or it’s not an option you care for, I think I’d just go with politely saying, “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to participate in the exchange this year.”

I think the intent is probably well-meant, but I think it subverts the purpose of gift-giving to be told exactly what you can and cannot give as a gift.

Edit: Or pay one of your sisters to make the gift for you. They get compensation for their crafting skills, and you get a present to give. Win-win!

4

I would make something, but then again I wouldn’t consider people who have been my step-siblings for fifteen years near-strangers, either.

5

I have a step-sibling that I’ve never even met. When your parents remarry after you’re an adult, sometimes these relationships aren’t as close as they might sound on paper.

6

That may be the winner :). I will give it to the sis being the least snarky about it.

To clarify - the near strangers would be the fiancee I’ve met three times, the husband of another daughter who I’ve maybe met five times (once per year, maybe) and the brother - who I’ve never liked much since I found out his teenager self used to terrorize my favorite cat when I wasn’t home during the (VERY) brief time I lived in the same house as he did. The other two daughters and my mom’s girlfriend are not near strangers but they are also not who I’d like to give the only personal gift on that side of the family to.

If I could pick the way to do this- I’d just get my mom something and do the white elephant, but she gets as upset about this as she does about me not being enthusiastic about crafting.

7

So your chances of drawing a near-stranger are 3 in…let’s see, 3 of your siblings, your mom, your stepmom, her 3 kids, and 2 spouses, possibly other spouses you don’t mention. Your odds of getting one of them even two years running are pretty darn low, and you’re almost entirely safe from getting one of them “every frickin’ year.” That particular wording made it sound you like you consider the whole lot of them near-strangers unworthy of exchanging gifts with. Together with your explanations about how you’d really prefer to not get a gift for any of them but for “your” family, it looks like your problem is less with making something and more with having to spend any time or energy on one of [distasteful moue] them.

Well, of course she does, she sees it as a rejection of her family and it hurts her feelings. You guys have been doing this divisive “us” and “them” thing with only a token exchange of junk for 15 years, and the year someone finally suggests acting like an actual blended family, you want to just pull out of the whole thing. If it were your spouse and stepkids and your mom saying, “Well, I’d really prefer to just get you something and take part in the junk exchange,” wouldn’t it hurt your feelings?

8

If I cared a lot, I might take a class in something that interested me and give the result to the recipient. Some places have “make it and take it” classes.

If I cared a little less, I might find an artisan willing to make something to give the recipient and allow me to put a “finishing touch” on the item.

Less than that, I would go with Cat Whisperer’s suggestion: it’s handmade, but not by me.

It’s all about how far you’re willing to go.

9

Is this topic hitting close to home for you or something? Because I really did not read anything like this in what the OP has said in this thread. I mean, “junk exchange”? Really? My family isn’t artsy-craftsy, and we exchange store-brought presents every year, and I’ve received some pretty awesome stuff from them. Just because something comes from a store doesn’t mean it’s “junk”.

10

I would make a big basket of cookies or muffins and give that as a gift. Everyone likes cookies!

11

Yeah, bake something and give that as a gift. I’m somewhat crafty but I am not good enough to make something worth giving unless it comes out of the oven.

12

You could also make a mixed cd, (easy enough to source someone’s taste in music, or movies), a family photo album would also fit the bill.

Another thing to consider is finding out one thing about this person, they like the beach, do crosswords, like movies, mystery novels, airplanes, whatever. Then, go out and buy a basket full of small related things and put them into a related container.

For instance, if they like the beach you could start with a collapsible cooler, fill it with beach towel, inflatable inner tube, sunscreen, funny hat etc.

Airplanes: take any large enough container and plaster airplane tags/stickers all over it, fill it with books about airplanes, models of airplanes to assemble, airplane mobile, mug, etc.

These things need not be expensive, just pick your theme and keep your eyes open and you’ll find things.

Should the topic come up that you didn’t actually ‘make’ the things, you need only point out that you alone, amongst the group, seem bereft of crafting skills. You didn’t want to just not participate or make waves and this was the best you could come up with. Then ask if they’d have been happier for you to refrain from the gift exchange or protest that it should all be changed because you alone are a crappy crafter.

To distract them from focusing on this, you could individually wrap each thing inside. Could be fun!

(I agree that something has hit a nerve with Crazy Cat Lady, I didn’t get any of her vibe off your OP and understood that her fiance was all but a stranger to you. She’s just projecting is all, we all do it sometimes.)

13

The OP is the beginnings for a great film script. The movie will be about the problems that a person has when he/she has to decide what to do for Christmas. Should he/she go visit his/her mother and the mother’s girlfriend? What about the odd gift exchange they insist on? What you need to add to have a complete movie is the story of what happens when the hero/heroine has to decide whether to visit instead his/her father and his/her father’s girlfriend (or maybe boyfriend) for Christmas also. What strange things happen at their house?

14

Give them money. After all, you made it. :slight_smile:

Seriously, I think it’s a totally stupid idea…I was on par up with the new exchange with the new family, but having to make something? Forget about it. Bake something and be done with it.

15

This aspect bugs me. Would they insist that someone willing and able to make a nice gift, but financially strapped, is not allowed to create it but must buy if that were the rule? Strikes me as thoughtless and one-sided.

So, buy something that seems to be in the spirit of the situation and declare it “hand-bought,” or make something (that will no doubt suck) and remind them that it was their idea, and yes, that IS the best you can do.

16

This seems to have come out of left field. I am not reading any of that from the OP. “Junk exchange”?

17

Oooh, oooh, give them the worst silver-glittered spray-painted elbow macaroni picture ever made! See if they ever ask you to do that again! :smiley:

18

That’s Me all over!
I did give folks handpainted pottery one year… but I know how amateurish my pieces were: I still have* the platter-with-calico-pig that I painted for myself. blush
*it’s the only thing that fits the Holiday Bird :smiley:

19

I think CCL is referring to the white elephant thing with her reference to junk; have to agree with that characterization, but I don’t necessarily see it as a negative thing, really, if everyone wanted to do it that way.

I too don’t hear a lot of hostility from the OP. And frankly, when two adults with grown kids marry, sorry, they are not anywhere near what I consider a blended family and I have no problem if two sets of siblings are polite to each other but not particularly close. To me, that is very very normal.

I loathe the idea of Christmas gift giving and receiving in general (among adults), and my family has basically eliminated it all together in favor of jointly picking a charity and everyone contributing to that what they would otherwise spend on gifts. So I would be especially irritated and resentful if I were guilted into doing a gift exchange with a group I wasn’t very close to, and further being dictated to that the gift had to be homemade if I weren’t a homemade-y type person.

I think the solution is to quite simply and directly give the same, quality gift every year: a variety of really good baked goods from a local bakery, and slip a small gift certificate in with the goodies to the same place. Make it something good enough that everyone in the family drools over, and no one would be disappointed in. Do this same thing every year, make no secret of it, make it your signature gift. If anyone gives you shit, shrug your shoulders and give the snarky line about it being homemade in someone else’s home, and wink.

If they don’t like this and collectively move to throw you out of the exchange, well, so be it.

20

You think you’re joking, but my youngest sister has a tradition of making spray-painted macaroni gifts that goes back almost 30 years! She has raised tacky to an art form. We received this gem on our 25th anniversary. :smiley: Of course, you have to know her to appreciate her efforts…