My family picks names for Christmas (or insert holiday here). I got sister “Wanda”. Wanda says, just get me a gift certificate for BoneFish Grill or something similar.
Am I unnecessarily p’od about this request? I might as well just send a check. then I think why are we doing this? Everyone just send a check and it will be a round robin of giving money to each other. Wait! Let’s not bother with the money exchange and just not get any presents. I used to always spend alot of time thinking of something a person would really like.
Nope, you’re not being petty. When our family exchanges turned into gift card exchanges, I asked if we could dispense with them. Both sides of the family happily agreed (except one sister-in-law), so now we no longer exchange presents with the adults.
With one side of the family, we’ve replaced the regular gift exchange with a voluntary White Elephant exchange. That has become the hightlight of our day. We’ve exchanged everything from a new faucet (we bought it for our home, but it was too tall for our cabinets and we were too lazy to return it) to Elvis Pez dispensers. It is 1000 times better than a gift card exchange.
With the other side of our family, we’ve diverted the money we would have spent on gifts to renting a chalet in Gatlinburg over a long weekend in the summer. With how crazy our schedules are, it’s nice to take a few days off and just enjoy each other’s company for a few days. And the kids love seeing their cousins.
After the exchange this year, why not take the initiative and propose just ending it. I worded it like this, “Hey, we’re at an age where if we need something, we just go and get it. Since this is turning into a gift card exchange, does anyone object to just dispensing with it altogether and simply enjoying each other’s company?”
You feel the same way I do about it. My family had a bigger split this year, where members decided to not do the exchange, because 3 people refused to modify doing exactly what you described. They wanted expensive amounts and it was for the item on their list. Go buy it then. There are plenty of kids to deal with this year anyway. I considered wrapping stuff like a bar of soap or the crappiest junk for a dollar from Goodwill and giving them a present even though I opted out of the drawing.
A few years ago I sort of freaked out on my family about presents, when I realized it ended up as a way to circulate cash between everyone. Everyone was hard to buy for and yeah, I coulda taken the $50 I spent on you and gotten me something I would have liked more than what you got for me.
So, the immediate family stopped giving gifts. Whew.
Then with my dad’s side of the family, we still had the “gag gift” baloney going on. At Thanksgiving we’d all whisper about who is completely broke and who has too much crap in their homes, and at Christmas we’d all spend hard-earned $10 to exchange crap for the house.
I told everyone we weren’t going to do that anymore, but my mom insisted we needed to play a game on Christmas (the stupid gift grab was the game) so I suggested that our game should be any old game and cost $10 to buy in. The winner of the game got to give the entire kitty to their favorite charity.
I felt much better about this method of gifting. No one went home with any crap, and instead of just shuffling $10 between us, some charity got $100.
The family exchanges on my husband’s side of the family also turned into a gift card round-robin. Eventually we did away with the exchanging altogether.
I’m guessing Wanda just wants to make it easy on the person who draws her and doesn’t realized that she’s taking some of the joy out of the season. I would go ahead and get her what you want to get her and if she complains tell her she can opt out next year. Chances may be that she’ll actually be thrilled you took the time to think about something nice for her.
This is the time of year when I’m very grateful that my family is Jewish (and Hanukkah is strictly for the kids), and my partner’s family is Musliim . . . and we’re both atheists anyway.
This is why, when asked what I want, or what my kids want, I try to give a list. I certainly don’t expect you to get everything on the list, or even anything on the list, but if you ask, I’ve got to tell you something. And at least a list of items with a range of prices lets you choose what you like and what you can afford, while still resting assured that I’ll like what you choose to give.
Or ignore the list entirely! That’s okay, too. Sometimes the best gift turns out to be the one I hadn’t thought of or didn’t know existed! (Of course, some of the worst gifts turn out that way, too. It’s a crapshoot, but it’s still the giver’s crapshoot to take.)
So yes, I think she’s doing it wrong and sucking your joy.
You could propose ending the gift exchange through the ideas already presented, or if people are still attached to it, remind people that a “wish list” includes more than one item, so the giver still has the power of choice.
One year, after too many times hearing “Everybody is chipping in $100 to buy Niece this” or brother-in-law and sister-in-law that, I asked, "Why don’t we just pass a $100 bill around the room and everybody breathe on it? Oh, did I get the evil eye. When we balked at being [del]dunned[/del] told how much our share in everybody else’s upkeep was, we were unable to learn of any other gift suggestion and were viewed as mutineers.
It’s hard to read the tone, of course, but is it possible she was just making a suggesstion to make it easier on you? I absolutely hate trying to buy for people I don’t know well, or have no clue what they would like.
I think you should get her what you want to get, and see her reaction. Does she roll her eyes, or is she thrileld to see that you actually put some thought into it?
My StepMother is utterly impossible to buy for. Every gift to her is just a gift receipt waiting to be returned so she can go get what she really wants. It’s sickening. I love her for a lot of other reasons, but buying her presents makes me nauseous.
In addition to what I already said (which is actually just my usual holiday contribution to the boards), I agree with this.
People spend a lot of time each year grousing about family politics at Thanksgiving, Black Friday shoppers, Christmas music, how many presents people should or shouldn’t get, gift cards and getting a list/not getting a list. What a downer
If your family’s “thing” is to exchange gifts like this, then go with the family thing. It’s what she wants. If you can’t get the whole family on board with not giving gifts, just give the person what they want.
Once you do agree to the exchange you should get what they want. The time to protest is before you decide to exchange names. You don’t need to worry about the exchange problems if you just buy presents regardless if your getting one.
In my extended family (parents, siblings, neices and nephews) we used to get presents for everybody. Then we went to draw names between the adults and people would ask what the other person wanted. But too many people couldn’t express what they wanted, just wanted a gift card, or the giver would get frustrated…so we now play a game.
The game rules (only applies to people over 18, under 18 nieces and nephews still get presents):
Each adult buys one gift for around $50. Whatever you want to buy, even if it’s something you want.
You bring your wrapped gift and it is placed under the tree or in a separate pile of “game” gifts.
At the designated time of the beginning of the game, each person draws a number from all of the numbers representing the total number of gifts in the game.
The person with #1 get’s to select any gift from the pile and open it.
The person with #2 can take #1’s gift or take an upopened one from the pile.
If #2 takes #1’s gift, then #1 must take a new gift from the pile.
The person with #3 can now take either gift from #1 or #2 or take a gift from the pile.
If someone takes a gift that you are holding, you may take someone else’s gift but not take back the gift taken from you. 3 steals can occur before someone is required to take an unopened gift from the pile.
At any time someone choses to take a gift from the pile, the turn is ended and the person with the next number can begin a new turn of either stealing or taking from the pile.
The game itself is actually fun and everybody ends up with a $50 gift. After the game’s over, anybody that want’s to negotiate a trade is free to do so.
Since I didn’t do Christmas, we do it the way my wife’s family does, which is that all presents come from everybody. This lets those who actually know what people want buy most of the presents for that person. We also go for volume (being a small set of people) so that small or even free presents count too. Money gets divided according to ability to pay. (Yes, we are commies for Christmas.) People definitely ask for stuff, but since they get other stuff, it doesn’t matter. If when shopping we see something small that we want, we can get it and give to someone else to wrap up. Very low stress and it is not competitive.
I am generally against buying gift cards for presents. I really enjoy buying people the perfect present and if I can’t find it, I’d rather wait than just fill in the blank with a gift card. I think that people have removed the special aspect of gift giving and made it all about the money. There is a lack of surprise, and I just feel like it shows a lack of thought.
There is one exception. My sister every year asks for a gift card to a local restaurant. Only she words it differently. She tells me all she wants for Christmas is a date with her husband. As they are currently pretty financially strapped, just going out for dinner is a luxury she just can’t afford. I will usually buy them each a card, my parents usually participate by buying movie theater gift cards. This way, I don’t think of it so much as giving her a gift card, as giving her a night on the town. As a mother with 2 kids, 3 jobs and numerous health conditions, it’s a better present than anything I could probably come up with on my own.
One nice thing when you just give presents and stay out of the exchange trap is you have the whole year to see something and buy it because you know the person will like it. I picked up many gifts on trips out of the area while browsing special shops. You can’t do this when you do an exchange that starts on Thanksgiving. This is what I would do for the whole family if I could.
This doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m a lazy shopper and gift giver and if someone tells me “I want X” I am quite happy to go out and buy it for them. It saves me the trouble of thinking of something and I know they’ll like it.
My whole family is like this: when we were little, my parents expected us to provide a list of what we wanted including brand names, colors, and where to find it. We had a general idea of how much they were willing to spend and what kinds of things they were willing to buy (no slutty clothes, for example) and as long as those criteria were followed we usually got everything we asked for plus maybe one surprise. My family is not big on surprises.
