In the beginning of our marriage my husband’s brother and sisters would choose a gift for his parents and we would chip in on it. Once his sister complained that we never chose the present but, really, we can’t, they all live in the same area and we live 600 miles away. We’re not with them enough to know what his parents would want and a lot of times they would choose super large items like lawn swings and patio furniture. His parents are wealthy and there is nothing they need and very few things they want so it’s not easy to think of ideas.
I found out last year that we haven’t gone in on any presents for my MIL (my FIL is dead) for at least 10 years. He has never mentioned it to me that the old arrangement hasn’t been in place even when I remind him to call his siblings to see how much we owe. He’s never asked me to recommend a gift for his mom and I have a few ideas. I’ve always said that he can take care of his family’s gift giving, and I’ll take care of mine. I regret that choice now. She’s my MIL and I love her and I wish I had made the effort to get her a gift for Christmas and her birthday.
Secondary to my horror that I’m married to someone who can’t bother to get his mother something for Christmas is the worry that his family is thinking this is all my fault. His family (excepting his mother) doesn’t really like me so I’m wondering if this is part of why they don’t like me.
Do you think it’s the wife’s responsibility to buy the hisband’s family gifts? If a male sibling was never giving gifts whom would you blame or think badly of?
We don’t give gifts to anyone. Neither do we expect any. All my friends & relations have plenty of stuff & gift-giving just because the calendar says to is dirt stupid in my view. Your husband isn’t (necessarily) evil; just pragmatic.
I think the issue is entirely that you & your husband have different expectations. That and apparently you don’t talk about things as much as you might. I hear a lot of assuming going on in both directions.
If I was you I’d call MIL & tell her what you told us. You’re sorry she hasn’t been getting birthday gifts, but you mistakenly thought your husband was handling that. Then come through on her next birthday if *you *want to.
Likewise, figure out which of your brother/sister-in-laws is the ringleader of the joint christmas present process & tell them what you told us. You’re sorry you two haven’t been contributing to Christmas gifts, but you mistakenly thought your husband was handling that. Then come through on this and next XMas if *you *want to.
Speaking plain English to other people is the best way to get to the bottom of any situation. They may be, and may stay, miffed. But at least everybody will know the reality.
In my family it is indeed the wife’s job to purchase all the presents. It isn’t because a wife “should” handle that kind of thing but because I’m significantly better at it than he is so the responsibility falls on my shoulders.
My husband is a wonderful man but when it comes to gift giving he just doesn’t get it. He will never remember a birthday (except mine for some reason) and when he does he refuses to wrap gifts because it seems wasteful to him. He wouldn’t care if he never got another gift either because gifts just aren’t a big deal in his eyes. Normally I would let him handle his family his way except that they are very big on gift giving and I can tell it frustrates them to get a $20 in a plain white envelope with no card or anything instead of a real gift so I handle it instead. We talked about it and decided that I would be responsible for all of that stuff and it has worked out just fine. He has other stuff he is responsible for that I’m just no good at so it evens out pretty well between us.
His family thinks gifts and holidays are hugely important. My family is more casual about gifts so we do have different expectaions but his are that he needs to get his mother something.
I’m not going to talk to the siblings about going in on gifts because I’ve been the one to talk about it in the past and his sister practically attacked me about us never taking over the resposibility. My husband does agree that any large item we picked out would be wrong in their eyes plus we would then have to have it shipped. For a lot of reasons I’m done with his siblings, I just don’t care about them anymore. Once his mom is gone I’ll probably not see them any more. His sister recently told me “I’m difficult to talk to and uncomfortable to be around”. I used to love going to her house and visiting with everyone but I can’t bear the thought anymore. We have to stay at her house because that’s where his mother lives.
I am going to make sure his mother gets gifts from now on but I don’t have much time to make up for the past. I’m not going to say anything to his mother because she is increasingly forgetful and most likely doesn’t remember not getting gifts. She forgot my name the other day and I’ve known her for almost 30 years. So I chose a gift for her for Christmas and I have an idea for her birthday, she probably won’t be here next year.
I don’t think it’s too much of an overgeneralization to say that women love to shop and men hate it. So, if you’re the wife, and you buy the presents, find something that you hate to do but guys like to do and trade off. Me, I like to work in the yard (well, let’s say I don’t mind it so much), so I’m pretty happy to be out there pruning all the trees and such. It gets done exactly the way I like it, and I have fun (sort of) doing it.
My mom bought all the presents for everyone on both sides of the family. I don’t think she minded, plus I know my dad would give her suggestions for his folks. When Suburban Plankton and I got married, I made it clear he needed to be in charge of presents for his family. Not that I wouldn’t help or go along on the shopping trip, but that ultimately the responsibility lay with him.
I was wondering about something similar the other day.
In my workplace, if something bad OR good happens to a coworker, usually a card is brought in and circulated for everyone to sign. Maybe someone takes up a collection as well for flowers or a gift.
Usually a woman organizes the thing.
Many Dopers know that I’m pretty asocial. But even I have been roped into being the “organizer”. My boss will appoint me to “get the ball rolling” on some task of social obligation. Me being me, I’ll usually delegate to whomever is unfortunate enough to grace my doorway, male or female. But my boss is looking to me to be in control.
It’s unspoken rule that the womenfolk on the floor will take care of stuff like this. Including Christmas parties and random potlucks.
And the thing is, we do. Because if we don’t, we feel like no one else will. And people will complain and nerves will be worked. When a coworker asked me when I was going to announce when the Christmas party would be, I snapped at him (playfully) that HE should do organizing. Because after being the charity coordinator, organizing two farewell parties, and coordinating the infamous crudite shindig, I was through being the floor’s social director. He just laughed and shook his head. Another woman hesitantly stepped up at the last minute.
I think all the women should just sit out next year and let a guy pick up the gauntlet.
No. I’m happy to do the bulk of it for him,but since I do most of the decorating and food gift making and wrapping, that makes him really uncomfortable.
We both hate to shop but that’s not really the issue. The issue is that our family has given her nothing because I thought we were contributing for the big item everyone else is in on. In the past I would ask “what are we getting your mom?” He would say “We’ll probably go in with everyone on something” and I would say “well find out how much we owe” and I thought he paid someone. That conversation took place even in the years he didn’t do anything about it.
I can find her something for us to give her, I can’t think of a big gift for everyone to go in on because I’m not around her enough to pick up hints.
The hardware store suggestion is good but they own a hardware store.
I would have done it all if he ever said he wasn’t doing anything. He never asks what I’m doing for my family but I ask him for ideas if I’m stuck.
It’s taken a while to work this out in my marriage. My husband is by far the better present giver…especially for his family, he knows the kind of stuff they’d like. He sucks however at doing things on time, which is a particular talent of mine.
We pretty much always established that we would each buy presents for our own family, but I was the one who saw that Christmas was coming and I would ask, what are we getting for your mom/dad/sister/niece and he would say “Christmas! That’s not for, like, forever!” (Christmas would be 4 weeks away). He wouldn’t buy anything and his sister would end up looking blankly at the copy of “The Botany of Desire” it seemed to me she might like while I was feeling desperate in Barnes and Noble on December 23.
It didn’t help that I knew HIS MOM thought that buying gifts was the wife’s job, one to which she devoted herself all year long (despite not living in a mansion their house has a dedicated present wrapping room).
And then suddenly he got much better. I’m not sure quite how to explain it. I really think it might be paying for Amazon Prime. Now that he can order anything without agonizing over shipping it all seems much easier to him.
I don’t know what he was thinking or if he was thinking. He has a tendency to be an idiot sometimes. We decided when we first got married that he was responsible for gifts for his family and I was responsible for gifts for mine. Respensible meaning desiding what to get, either of us will shop for and mail a specific item if we know what it is.
I don’t know, I guess I need to put it behind me as family crap on his side for him to deal with.
I don’t think it is, but IME it is very often the way it happens. But I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. At least you can make sure your MIL gets gifts from now on.