Hey everyone,
I got married in October.
We had a small (25 guests) reception dinner at a restaurant. On our wedding day we got gifts from every single person from my side, and only one gift from my wife’s cousin, then 3 weeks later a gift from her godmother. Everyone else said they didn’t have money at the time, and they’ll “quick pay us” at the end of the month but they never gave us anything, and they avoid talking about our wedding. I feel extremely disrespected because to me that was very rude. On top of everything my wife’s guests (every single person) never made it to the ceremony, her mom came 2 hours late with sister that was supposed to be our witness but we just decided to start without them after 1.5hrs of waiting and stressing. It’s very frustrating to me when I see how my wife’s family is showing off (going for New Year’s Eve to Florida, partying every weekend) but they didn’t do anything for us on our special day, and were late on top of everything.
What should I do? 
My wife knows how it hurts me that they’re disrespecting us (probably not intentionally but it just shows they have no manners).
No. It is customary, but not required. You invite people because you want their company. It’s nice if you get a gift, too, and almost always you do, but it’s not required.
The OP didn’t ask it it was required, he asked if it was rude.
The answer is: yes, it is rude to go to a wedding empty-handed.
Supposedly you have one year from the wedding to send a gift. So don’t be too upset yet.
It is rude to show up late to someone’s special day, barring trauma.
On the other hand, it is callow and crass to let your guests think that their gracious, happy presence is not all that you desired from them, when you made out the invitation.
It seems to me this is more your wife’s problem, since everyone who offended you came from her side of the family.
If it doesn’t bother her, don’t let it bother you.
You’re actually not supposed to bring the gift to the wedding. That creates a burden on the couple to transport them all home- you’re supposed to have it sent directly to their home.
But that’s not really what you’re asking. I’m thinking 1)I agree that what is rude is you requiring a gift as a cover charge to your wedding and 2)How did you date your SO without learning what kind of a family you were marrying into? Surely there were hints here and there that gifts may not be all that important to them and that they value traveling and partying more than giving to others. No?
Regardless, if you’re going to have a happy marriage and get along with your in-laws (which can be an important part of a happy marriage), you’re going to have to suck it up, buttercup, and get over it. You’ll get a bunch more free shit when you have a baby.
Actually, it’s tacky to brings gifts to the wedding itself.
They’re supposed to be sent to the bride’s home, preferably before, but after is ok too.
I learned it was rude to take a gift to the wedding, because the happy couple now has the hassle of dealing with them, when they are on their way to the honeymoon. Instead, you are supposed to mail your gift before the wedding or up to 1 year after the wedding.
You misjudged my situation. How am I rude? I’m not going to go into details too much but everybody knew that we’re both young (22 year olds) students, and that we’ll have a lot of fees to pay right after our wedding. I wasn’t “demanding” a gift and being a bridezilla, I simply felt very disrespected. We had to even re-send some invitations because my wife’s family gave us a wrong addresses, and they ended up not coming and not even saying thank you for the invitation. I just feel this is low that they were talking SO MUCH about giving us gifts, and now they’re using an excuse that my wife is “the youngest one in the family so the gift has to be big”, and that they want to give us “something for our new apartment” but they all know we’re not moving out for the next 5 YEARS (we live with my sister). And nobody “travelled” from anywhere as you said, they were literally 20 miles away but even though I was reminding them to be there on time they ended up being late. And when it comes to having a baby we cannot have one, we need to adopt, and if you don’t know the adoption process is around $20-50k, so guess what my wife’s family tells us? “Ohh that’s too much guys”. :smack:
It did bother her, she told her mom that she feels very disappointed because literally the whole family (except of one cousin and godmother) ended up not giving anything. But her mom responded that we got married in a “wrong time” when everybody had financial problems…
The “travelling” comment was about you complaining about your wife’s family going to Florida after not buying you gifts.
I think you’re being rude in being indignant about not being given gifts. Nobody owes you anything for getting married. The dowry thing is way, way out of date in this country. Okay, you have it tough- not much money, not much stuff, can’t have kids… but that doesn’t mean anybody owes you presents, even your wife’s family. Study hard, graduate and get a great job that pays well, and buy your own stuff. You’ll appreciate it more that way, anyway.
Did they say they were coming and then not show up, or did they not say anything?
Or, if they have set up a bridal list, just pick it up at the store where it’s held: you pay for it and earmark it but don’t actually take it, the store will deliver everything.
I think your in-laws are rude, but not for the gifts thing (the couple have no right to expect gifts, or to expect a specific gift size), for other things. For getting there late, for making excuses some of which sound believable and others no way. But it’s going to be healthier both for your stomach and your relationship if you can file this under “Planet In-laws” and toss it over your shoulder than if you keep picking at it.
And if you’re living with your sister, your in-laws are even right in that a lot of the gifts that one would give at a wedding do not make sense. The gifts are traditionally not for the couple, but for the household. Linens, furniture, appliances. You don’t need them now, you will need them in five years.
Re. the adoption: you’re both female, and both infertile? There are other venues open, unless you’re both male or both infertile - adoption is not the only one. And if you want to be part of one or more children’s lives, you may want to consider becoming foster parents, either “instead” or as possibly part of adoption.
I can agree that your in-laws are rude if they came to the wedding late, or if they never RSVP’d or if they RSVP’d and then didn’t show. Yes, that’s rude. But what’re you gonna do? You have to have these people in your life for the next ~50 years, if you stay married. Flip them off behind their backs if it makes you feel better, and move on.
You don’t really care about the gifts, do you?
I get the feeling it’s just the most easily verbalized sign of disrespect. Yeah, you’re right, they didn’t treat you well, and unless your wife has been married at least twice before (not too likely at 22), it was pretty rude to give no token of their best wishes.
(Unless you really do care only about the gifts, in which case they’ve got your number, but I’ve no reason to believe that.)
IMHO, you need to get over it, quick. When I reflect on the prospect of getting married to my gf, the glaring difference between how I feel about that and the text of the OP is that, in my case, it would be all about my gf and keeping her in my life. If every single member of her family detested the continuing beating of my heart and brought ashes to the wedding for gifts by means of protest, I would not give one single shit.
Things are not like that of course, but if it came to that, marrying the girl would be worth it, and more.
Perhaps you weren’t quite ready to get married, then.
What does this have to do with the wedding, and what country is this?
To the OP. It’s none of my business, but are you a same sex couple? Is that the reason adoption would be necessary for a baby? You mentioned not wanting to be a bridezilla, and your new spouse is your wife. Is it possible that your wife’s side of the family is, how shall it be said, disapproving?