When you think of the friends you have, what elements do you appreciate about them?
How did you discover that they possessed those elements?
There is a stage in-between the time people are complete strangers and the time they know each other well enough to consider themselves friends. How did you get from one end to the other?
I appreciate vastly different things about different friends, even though I consider them all good buddies.
For the person I consider my “best friend,” we have similar interests and views of the world. She’s lived across the country for the past four years, but we still visit every year and chat about every month. I’ve known her for a decade and a lot of our friendship is based on the fact that we experienced a lot of our formative years in college together. She was one of the first people I met at college, and we clicked instantly (I knew her roomate and saw her unpacking a comic series I liked). This is going to sound strange, but she is not a particularly kind person - but she is very artistic, intelligent, and articulate, and she’s taught me a lot about the world. We have similar family backgrounds, so we can commiserate over our ridiculous family situations together and not feel silly. We talk about art, literature, and pop culture a lot, but we also just “get” each other in a way no one else does. We used to spend hours at coffee shops drawing or writing stories together.
I have another good friend that we honestly have very little in common interest-wise, but she is just a sweet, caring person that is super social and full of laughter. I talk to her more than anyone else on the phone, by email, faceboook, etc. just because she is great about keeping in contact. I met her in college, and even though she also moved away a long time ago, we talk so often we’ve just bonded over everyday things and sharing our lives over the years. She makes a great effort to keep in touch, which is not always the case with people. I’ve had much deeper friends drift away as they never make an effort to stay in touch.
My current “same city” best friend is a guy that I used to work with, and now I work for his boyfriend. We started hanging out as coworkers and it developed into a real friendship. I consider both of them family now. We do have similar interests, but he is just a very kind person that is always there for me. We help each other out a lot and spend a lot of time doing activities together that we can’t find anyone else to go with - we go to the movies, road trips, hiking, kayaking, etc. We share a lot of the same interests, but not a whole lot. He is just a lot of fun to hang out with and he’s helped me through some harder times and I hope I’ve been there for him too when he needed it.
As to your last question, for me it is mainly an issue of continuing to make plans and being around the person. The longer you hang out with someone, the more comfortable you get with them and the more you discover, and the deeper the friendship can become. But it just depends on the person - I’ve got a brunch group that I attend every week (and have for the past two years). I consider them all friends, but none of them have ever become close. We just eat our brunch, chat and discuss current events, and then move on until we see each other the next week.
**When you think of the friends you have, what elements do you appreciate about them? **
Different things for different friends.
My Aunt - 13 years older than me, basically like a sister, mother and best friend rolled into one, we’ve been close since the day I was born. She is the most outgoing and vibrant person I know, always wanting to keep busy and meet new people. People LOVE her - she’s so smart, and so cool, and so friendly. She is remarkably talented in a way that manages to combine pragmatism with creativity. She’s done so much for me that I couldn’t repay her if I tried for the rest of my life. It’s uncanny how much we have in common, especially considering how we are so different. She understands everything I go through because we’ve gone through it together.
My best friend - known her since 4th grade, best friends since high school. Strong, centered, and completely unconcerned about what other people think of her. She’s always the one saying the thing that you can’t believe someone said. She’s always completely accepted me, from my neuroticism to my really out there imagination.
My international friend - we attended grad school for two years together. She is from Taiwan. She’s gotten the short end of the stick many times, and was forced to take on a lot of responsibility for her family. Grad school in the U.S. was much harder than she ever imagined. Her best friend died of cancer while she was struggling to pass her classes here. She somehow made it through to the end. Her strength is enormous. She is one of the most sensitive and giving souls I know, truly committed to making a difference for her people, and it’s amazing to me that we could bond given the disparities in our culture.
**
How did you discover that they possessed those elements?**
How else? Time spent together, long conversation. Believe it or not, as close as we are, I still find out things about my Aunt that make me see her differently. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become less dependent on her and we have a relationship between equals, and she’s shown more vulnerable parts of herself that she didn’t show me when I needed her to be strong.
In general, the way to learn more about someone is to go through things together. By being there in a time of crisis I learned a lot about my friends I wouldn’t otherwise have known. They are remarkable people.
What I admire most about my verybestgirlfriend is her unconditional acceptance of the ‘differences’ in others. She disagrees with me, but I also envy her fearlessness. She will try new things without a thought if she is truly capable or not. She is unafraid of failure. She is the one person I trust to tell me the truth, whether I want to hear it or not. She makes all my mountains feel like molehills. Once, a rabid bitch in my office spread rumors about me trying to seduce my boss. I was so upset that I was crying, shaking, and vomiting for 3 days. I called her on the phone to talk about it, and with 10 minutes or so she had me laughing about the situation.
How did I find these things about her? Over time. Lots of time, lots of sharing, lots of vulnerability, lots of fucking stuff up and laughing our asses off about it later on.
Oh, and lots and lots of ‘Drunk, Naked Scrabble’.
My best friends understand my anxieties and have learned to accept me with them while always encouraging me to do positive things for myself. The one I’m closest to knows she has to call me because I can’t bring myself to call her (phobia) so she calls every week and we have a great and wonderful bitchfest. I think she appreciates me too, and that helps. I would hate to think I was a burden on my friends, and I think that’s one reason I can’t call them. I don’t want to bother them, and I don’t want to feel rejected deep down. Silly, but that’s me. And they love me anyway.
She also has a wicked sense of humor and she doesn’t play games. She doesn’t tell me what I want to hear unless it’s already truth.
We gave been very close since fourth grade so I’m not sure what attracted me and when I recognized she was a good friend but it wasn’t always roses back in our teen years. We fought over boys, one in particular. I didn’t speak to her for several years. But as we’ve grown older we’ve become much closer. I guess it’s just taken that long for us to trust each other.
Very fast. It’s a cultural thing, we go from “uhm… weeeeell, this person seems ok…” to “c’mon in honey, there’s drinks in the fridge” in a matter of minutes. The first part can take a while, but once someone is in, it’s hasta la cocina, all the way in to the kitchen (visitors don’t go to the kitchen, family does).
My friends are happy to have things in which we agree (cool, things we can do together!) and things in which we disagree (vive la difference!). We may go months without contact because we don’t run into each other and there isn’t anything big to report, but when we see each other it’s a case of “as we were saying yesterday”. And we know who can help with what, and help each other in what we can: some people are better when you need someone to listen, some when you need someone to help come up with solutions, some are the person to ask about assembling furniture (call me Ikea), or about cars (we have a car salesman—), or legalities (—who has a law degree), or finance (Littlebro), or plants (Dr PhD in Fruit Trees)…
This is probably weird but I like that my friends like me even though I am really fat and probably ugly.
People on this board have expressed that they find looking at fat people to be very uncomfortable for them. Now, I’m sure this sentiment doesn’t come to all people but to know that it exists and to know that there are people who WANT to hang out with me…well I think that’s just swell.
Basically I feel like they don’t treat me any differently even though I have this handicap that is my body. And it makes me happy.
Just the other day, one of my good friends called me just to talk. I was busy at the time, and my husband answered the phone and said I’d call back. I was in a foul mood and really, really didn’t feel like talking; nothing at all to do with her, just the way I am when I’m dealing with stuff. I texted her and said I was grumpy and could I call her back some other time… and she had no problem at all with that, wished me luck and sent a virtual hug. You have no idea how much I appreciated her not taking anything personally and letting me have my space when I really, really needed it.
One day, I saw these awesome pink and brown cowboy boots in the locker room at work. I would totally have bought those boots. They belonged to the new girl on our shift. I knew the minute I saw those boots that she and I would be great friends.
It was another week before I met her, after work one day. We walked to our cars together, taking a good 20 minutes longer than we needed. Exchanged phone numbers. Agreed to get together on our weekend. Texted back and forth all night and the next several days.
We both agree, it was like what happens when you first meet someone you’re interested in dating. It was super exciting! We have a ton of stuff in common. Our men get along. Our kids get along. It’s awesome! She’s one of my closest friends, and we met less than a year ago.
The things that I appreciate in my closest friends: they listen to my “war stories” without flinching. They know my secrets and love me anyway. I don’t feel like I have to engage a filter when I talk to them. They tell me when I’m being unreasonable or a total jackass. They don’t pull punches and appreciate that I don’t, either. They have the same sick sense of humor that I have.
Many of my friends are friends because we went through some big experience together- Peace Corps, grad school, high school, etc. It’s amazing how quickly and tightly people can bond when you are out of your comfort zone with someone. Often, I didn’t start out having much in common with these people, but sheer pressure and hardship formed a bond that’s held strong for years.
For my friends here, what I like best is that they are always up for something. I try to stay active, and I’m always looking for people to come with me when I’m out and about. Realistically, the people who end up my closest friends are the people I know will always be up for an adventure.
This, more or less. I love my friends because they love things that I love, but not in the same way. We’re mutually supportive, and my closest friends do chores for each other, cook dinner together, call about personal cises, and spend hours and hours talking. In a previous thread about friendship I got all tearful about the amazing things our friends (mind and my husband’s) have done for and with us.
I usually progress very fast from “Let’s get to know each other” to “You know where the glasses are, get yourself a drink” if I like the person. I don’t have a lot of friendships that don’t turn into extended family.
They put up with my eccentricities, like conversations that only somewhat concern something at which they’re expert or my lax housekeeping skills. All that’s stuff which is reciprocated – not consciously, just because we like each other (I’m talking close friends, not the much broader circle of acquaintances one tends to pick up when moving to a new “scene”).
I doubt they’d put up dealing with me if there were anything extremely annoying, like drunk dialing at 4 am or committing a major, major crime like running a hobo-fighting ring nest of crime (I’d expect them to help me figure a way to deal with such a problem, though, legally or no).
I just love being able to get together and have fun without needing any plans.
That would be my cousin whom I’ve always been close too. And a girl I used to work with over 20 years ago that I still hang out with. They are both people that I would enjoy taking long car trips for instance. We just don’t get sick of each other’s company.
My best friend has no problem telling me things that I don’t want to hear. She can always see what’s really going on, even if it takes me days/months/years to finally come around and see it. And she never says I told you so.
Also, she’s a very competitive scrabble player. No one else will play against her because she always wins. I just like to play, so it doesn’t bother me to get whooped all the time. But sometimes I win…and rub it in her face! 
We met as coworkers about 15 years ago, I trained her. Now she owns her own business and I work for her!
TOTALLY! You know you have entered the the ‘best friends forever zone’ when somebody says something completely innocent like, “Wow! Juggling is an amazing skill!”, and then without even looking at her you can feel the pressure building behind your nose, but you are keeping an absolutely straight face, but only if you don’t look at her, but then you catch the smallest crack in her dignified facade, and you know its all over. The snort leaks out your nose, then she snorts, dignity abandons you both, so you both make a desperate break for the ladies room to gain some form of social control, but its not happening anytime soon.
Good times.
that they don’t exist, which therefore eases my burden.