It’s a matter of cultural norms. I generally don’t kiss men, but I have no problem greeting elderly European types with a kiss on each cheek (I did it today when I met my BiL’s father). It’s just doing what’s expected of you.
I found RandMcnally’s comment on the military interesting, though - my experience was completely the opposite. I gave and received more bear hugs during my military service than in my entire life before and after; I have this suspicion that the brass actually encouraged physical contact between men as a way of reinforcing unit cohesion and espirit du corps.
In others: I don’t really care. I think it’s a silly way to determine sexuality. Just as long as it isn’t more than platonic friends of any sex would do, it indicates nothing.
In myself, there really aren’t any proscriptions either, but there is a difference between men and women. Basically, a man must be much closer to me for me to feel comfortable touching, but, once they are, I actually am more comfortable, as I’m more afraid of coming off sexual to women.
The one exception is sleeping in the same bed, which, while I can do it, still feels rather weird, even with family. And without family, I just can’t stand it. It’s like the personal space bubble is wider, and I can’t sleep due to feeling uncomfortable if I can even feel their presence.
With women I am in a platonic relationship with, sleeping in the same bed is easy.
And you’re saying your physical boundaries are past this? If you’re engaged in any physical contact that goes beyond naked cuddling, remember to wear a condom.
I don’t have anything to add to the discussion about acceptable levels of contact (I’m not a guy, so I’m of the view that whatever they’re comfortable with is fine with me - I’d be perfectly happy to be with a man who was very physically affectionate with his friends, but then, I’d be perfectly happy to date a bi guy, assuming I was single, so I’m not sure my views on “acceptable contact between guys” are very useful) but I wanted to say that I find it a fascinating discussion.
I don’t know many straight men very well, so the idea that men might be really uncomfortable with this kind of thing isn’t really one that had really occurred to me. It’s sort of come up before when I’ve talked about sharing beds with other women because of a lack of spare beds, and I realise most straight men wouldn’t be so ok with doing similarly, but I genuinely hadn’t realised it went so far in the other direction. So, thank you for asking the question, Illuminatiprimus!
I’m reading a travel book where the western bred, straight author eats dinner at a home in a rural Indonesian village. The host, a guy showing the author around, holds the author’s hand during the whole meal. Nobody, including the author. is creeped out by this. The author said it felt nice. Basic human touch. Very comforting.
This is pretty similar to my own experiences. When I was 13, no way I hugged my guy friends. That would be gay, and for some reason I can’t remember, we were all very scared of being perceived as gay.
Once I got older, this seemed to disappear. My guy friends get those half handshake one armed bro hugs when we are done hanging out. Lady friends get a full hug, and they usually kiss me on the cheek, so I suppose there is less physical affection with men, but it’s there, and it doesn’t make me at all uncomfortable.
Like AClockworkMelon said, there’s a lot of fake homoeroticism played for laughs. For instance, at my old job (I worked in a male dominated industry) we had “the sexy price,” which was not a discount for women we found attractive, but rather a discount for people we did a lot of business with. So you would frequently have a straight man asking another straight man if a third straight man was sexy.
Oh, please! I’m straight as an ice cube tray, and I hug friends I haven’t seen in a while. Sure some folks are more demonstrative than others, but it’s not a fear of seeming gay thing.
So what is it then? Given that a lot of people within this thread have admitted to not being physical with other men, or not knowing why other men aren’t physical?
The narrative among adolescent boys in the US is that touching each other would be “gay.” However, the reality is that this homophobic dialogue is really a tool to police the bounds of (socially) acceptable masculinity. I mean, it’s not actually a homosexual act for two 13 year old males to hug platonically. But by labeling it as such, then it becomes known as a prohibited behavior. And then this is how the custom gets passed down. As to why the bounds of acceptable masculinity in the US include a “no touching” rule: why is anything a custom?
Like I said, some folks are more demonstrative than others. But yeah, there’s this contingent that seems to be afraid of seeming gay. I can’t explain that, as it seems odd to me.
I get annoyed by any homophobic explanations as to why straight males don’t do this, or do this instead because they secretly fear someone might think them gay.
Sure, plenty of guys are homophobic, but I’m certainly not, nor are any of my friends as far as I can tell. Considering that, physical contact between other guys is kept to a minimum, because I just don’t care at all, if we shake, hug or spoon upon seeing each other, and I get the sense they don’t either. NBD.
Of course, if it’s family, or if I haven’t seen a true friend in a long time, a hug is welcome, but I hardly get anything out of it other than formality.
Also, I think guys in general have a much higher threshold when it comes to the emotional need for physical contact and comfort. One of the few times I felt earnestly moved to hug another male was when my dad’s dad died. And just recently, I was talking to my grandfather about WWII, when he began a story that started off around Japan, then for the first time in my life I saw his eyes well up, and he just couldn’t talk about it any further. I gave him a real hug, said I’m sorry, and he didn’t have to continue. He looked me in the eyes and just nodded. Despite the hug, I felt like the eye connection was far more reaching and meaningful for the both of us.
handshake and one armed hug plus a pat on the back. Had a standing joke with a buddy that we had to limit the back pats to 2 or it would involve dating. The hug depends on the circle of friends. Hard to explain and never gave it a lot of thought but it’s definitely not related to how close I am to someone.
2 arm hug for female friends which is decidedly more intimate so there is a different protocol.
Only hugged my dad a couple times in my life (after childhood). It was just understood. Use to hug my mom occasionally because she liked to be hugged occasionally.
I think my guy friends are odd perhaps, but there has never been any lack of male “joking” and hugging, dancing around like goons, doing the fake gay thing, and I’m pretty sure there’s been teabagging. I also have a photo of two of them dressed in pink tube dresses and Chuck Taylor’s where they are jumping around and the caption is, “drunks and pretty girls,” haha.
Of course, this may or may not be normal in most music, punk communities of guys. I don’t know, but it sure is funny to me.
