Is my friend hitting on me, messing with me, or are men just getting more comfortable w/ each other?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Where to start?

I have a friend who’s younger than me, (25 years old I believe). We sort of started out as acquaintances, then we started hanging out. We now hang out more than ever. He’s truly one of the best friends I have. He’s a really sweet guy that cares about me, and I really care about him.

A while ago he asked me to cuddle with him. I said no, but he kept asking me. I wasn’t sure if he was joking, or if he really wanted to cuddle, so I didn’t exactly know how to respond. Since then, he’s asked me to cuddle with him a number of times.

Once, when we were hanging out with one of his friends, he asked his friend if he wanted to cuddle. His friend replied; “Sure.” They never ended up cuddling, (as far as I know), but my buddy then told him that I get freaked out whenever he asks me. I don’t really get “freaked out”, I DO feel a bit uncomfortable, and the question of whether or not he’s sincere DOES rack my brain.

A while ago, before asking me to cuddle, we were talking about gay marriage, and he certainty didn’t seem passionate about it at all. He said something along the lines of; “I’m not gay, so it doesn’t really matter to me.” I replied that I’m not black, but equality is important to me. He’s definitely into women. We talk about women a lot… so if he did have homosexual tendencies, he would be bisexual.

Lately he’s gone a little further. He’s laid his head on my shoulder. He would put his hand on my arm. He also slaps my ass. I wouldn’t say I’m a homophobe, but I am kind of weirded out by men who touch me in a ‘more than friendly’ way. I’m also kind of grossed out by body fluids by both sexes… if I were to hear a toilet flush, but no sinks running afterwards, I would think to myself, “Eww, I’m touching this person’s TV remote control and they don’t wash their hands after going #1”

I have no idea what his intentions are. As far as I can tell, he’s either hitting on me, messing with me because he knows how uneasy I feel, or perhaps men are just more comfortable with other men these days. If women were to do what he does, it wouldn’t exactly mean that they are into each other. It’s just more “acceptable” when women do it. Have some men gotten to a point where they are no longer feel weird about getting “close” with each other? I would be happy if men felt more comfortable with each other, but I guess I’m conditioned to find it a little awkward.

I THINK I’ll show him this thread. He’ll probably laugh about it.

So, what exactly do you Doper’s make of this? I kind of would like him to stop, but I’m really more curious if he’s being sincere or not. If he is being sincere, I wonder if it’s just a sign of the times or not… like I said, he is younger.

Thanks for reading! :slight_smile:

2

If I were in your position, I’d hope to address it not as a gender-preference issue, but as a personal-boundaries issue.

Also, don’t leave your dink unattended with him :slight_smile:

3

Is he Korean?

4

Straight guys don’t ask to cuddle with other guys. Not in my world anyway.

5

My understanding is that as homosexuality becomes more and more normalized, heterosexual men become less concerned about behaviors that appear ‘gay’. There was some news a year or so ago when some researchers in the UK published a survey that said like 90% of college age straight men had cuddled with another man.

But I’d bet a big part of it is that it makes you uncomfortable and he finds that funny. Just like how I hate the way foam feels and my friend finds as many ways as possible to make me unknowingly touch it and I hide pictures of spiders in his stuff.

6

If I’ve learned one thing at the SDMB, its that my idea of “normal” or “what people do,” is not universal. So, although I’ve never heard of a man who desired some cuddle time with another man, I’m willing to accept it at face value. (Like men who say they like to dance, or men who pee sitting down) However, since you told this friend you weren’t comfortable or interested in cuddling, I think he’s messing with you by continuing to ask.

7

Try kissing him. If he’s hitting on you, he should be into it. So that should at least narrow things down.

8

He may be bi or he may just enjoy physical contact. I have a number of straight male friends that do that. It’s very relaxing to hang out with a friend that you can be physically close to when hanging out.

9

I can comfortably say I would have no friends if I asked them to cuddle with me.

Dude likes you.

10

I never leave my dink unattended, as it isn’t detachable. :smiley:

11

Middle-aged gay man here, so take my assessment for what it’s worth.

At 25, your friend seems to be at just the “right” age to be comfortable with closeness to other men. He grew up with TV shows like “Friends,” in which men expressed emotion openly - and physically. So for him, it’s normal. Everyone, regardless of sexual preference, experiences “skin hunger” and the desire for physical affection. But straight men have had that urge repressed for generations. Look at old World War 2 photos of military men snuggling and sleeping together; it was a routine and casual expression of the bond between brothers-in-arms. In this age of gay marriage, when homosexuals are more accepted and behavior that once would have been perceived as “gay” is no big deal, it’s not beyond the pale that a straight male would think nothing of showing his affection physically.

As stated upthread, women have never had a problem with physical displays of closeness - it doesn’t cross their minds that it means they’re gay. Straight men are the ones with that phobia, yet their emotional needs aren’t that different.

YMMV.

12

Okay, let’s have a few details. What exactly does “cuddle” denote? Casually sitting side-by-side on the sofa with bodies touching and possibly arms draped loosely across shoulders, both parties fully clothed? Lying on a horizontal surface facing each other with arm/hand and leg action? Is kissing involved (I’m guessing not).

I can’t imagine “cuddling” with anyone not a child, pet, or SO. Hugs, yeah, touching an arm, even holding someone’s hand to make a point or to offer comfort. But to intentionally invite someone or accept an invitation from someone not in one of the above three groups, same sex or opposite, to cuddle… don’t see that happening.

IS this indeed something that is happening among hetero men of a certain age? Tell us more.

ETA: Women certainly display physical affection with each other. But cuddling? No.

13

Middle aged straight guy here and I simply can’t relate to this “skin hunger” need from a male friend. I’ll shake your hand. Give you a slap on the back for a thing well done. I’ll even give you a brief “bro” hug if we’ve not seen each other for a very long time and we’re really close friends. But don’t ask me to cuddle or extend any kind of extended physical contact unless you’re bleeding out and I’m putting pressure on the wound.

My kids are high school age and I have noticed the way their peers are much more comfortable with the bromantics. At least verbally. They keep paying each other creepy compliments like commenting on each other’s physical appearance or the obnoxious “Hey, John, I love you!” shouted across the parking lot. I find it goofy and I hope they grow the fuck out of it by the time they get out of college.

14

Why would you hope they “grow the fuck out of it”? It’s not the norm you’re accustomed to, therefore it’s wrong for all people until the end of time? Correct me if I’m off the mark, but it seems you’re squicked out by any perception of any remote hint of homosexuality, whether it exists in reality or not. It’s entirely possible for persons of the same gender to love one another non-sexually. I don’t think that’s creepy - I think the world needs more of it. It gladdens me that young people are less uptight these days. My adolescence would have been very different.

15

There’s a possibility that the rejection of hetero physical contact is the aberration, rather than the reverse.

16

I don’t think so. Soldiers did that when they were freezing.

17

I don’t really know about the generational thing, but it sounds gay to me.

The only context I’d have for answering this was a friend who was part of a role-playing group I ran for a while. He was very touchy with everyone there and we just shrugged it off as being a difference in culture/upbringing/whatever. He was also constantly talking about women and did lots of manly things.

But… when he broke up with the latest girlfriend, he went through a sort of mid-life crisis and shacked up with a 17-year-old boy. I think the smiley says it all: :eek:

18

Here’s a fun game: try to find a more disturbing euphemism for the phenomenon that Licentious Ectopmorph is describing than “skin hunger.”

Betcha can’t!

19

These guys don’t look all that cold.

20

Wow some definite skin hunger going on there…