I don’t like being touched, so handshakes for men and women.
It surprised me how many men are freaked out by some non-sexual affection between male friends. I’m straight, married 25 years and a father of boys and girls. I have a lot of questions about a lot of things in life, but not about who I want to have sex with…
With that out of the way, many of my buddies are quite comfortable with a hug, an arm on a shoulder, etc. The younger ones (late 30s and under) tend to be more affectionate. But confident, comfortable minor displays of affection can change previously uncomfortable friends into enjoying a little touching. I would be missing some closeness I value if I were a “don’t touch me” type. I recommend to those who have been taught to be uncomfortable touching their friends to gently wade into it, secure in your manhood and sexuality. You’d be surprised how good it feels to have your close friend throw an arm around your shoulder. There’s nothing sexual about it, nothing homo, and everything human.
My dad (80s) is a bit frozen when it comes to hugs from me or anyone else male and not his grandson, but I have noticed my teenage sons giving him hugs, just like they did when they were little boys – and how much he likes it.
Only aggressive contact on the verge of assault is permissiible. A handshake has to be a gripping contest where you each try to crush each others hands. A hug can be a violent bear hug punctuated by a heavy strike to the back. A simple sign of tenderness is to slug the guy in the arm really hard. If you really feel strong emotions for the guy, put him in a headlock. Anything else fails the code of homophobia.
In India it is very common to see grown men (or boys) walking around hand-in-hand or hugging. Especially in a social situation or indeed at a seminar or such where friends have not met for a while.
What is uncommon is to see male-female hand-holding. That was so difficult for me to understand when I lived there.
Always seemed so odd.
But the hand-holding had no special sexual connotation between males, but was anathema between males and females.
Always seemed so strange to me, a westerner.
As long as all participants are happy about it, and it wouldn’t inspire me to say GET A ROOM! regardless of the gender and sexual identity of those involved, I think it’s quite acceptable. Some people are more comfortable with physical contact than others, and that’s part of what makes this such a fascinating world to live in. It’s all good.
After the events of this summer, I’ve seen a lot of grown, straight men hugging. And crying. Sometimes both at the same time. I can’t imagine a good argument that such reactions were anything but normal and acceptable. Other men have chosen not to seek out physical contact and, if they have cried, they have done so in private. This reaction is also normal and acceptable. You do what you’ve got to do to get yourself through the shock and the pain.
Most guys–handshake & back slapping. If a man is in mourning or deeply in despair, a brief hug.
Brothers–as above, with hugging more acceptable.
Fathers & sons–as above, with hugging totally acceptable, & a kiss on the cheek, on occasion (holidays, long separation, etc).
IANAMan and thinking of the men in my life, I get a whole catalog of different behaviors depending on:
- guy involved (Littlebro is much more likely to wrap an arm around someone’s shoulder than Middlebro; Middlebro is much more likely to hug; our pal Rick almost needed to undergo special training to get him to stop jumping back if someone with XY chromosomes touched him in the slightest)
- who the other guy is. Most guys I know well enough for this report touch about as much and about the same way a “male who is touchable and not my SO” as “a woman who is touchable and not my SO”. Back when they were younger (everybody now having crossed 30), they were less likely to touch another guy in a civilized fashion (handshake, arm on shoulders, hand on shoulder…), but more likely to bump or punch another guy.
The “no actual gender differentiation” also means that if they’re with someone who’s distraught and looks like they need a hug, the majority of these guys will provide it (some with more elegance than others).
The few men over age 16 whom I’ve known to jump back from being “too close” to another man were actually less close than same-gender friends can be in Spain without raising any eyebrows. They also happened to be gay and very deep in a transparent closet (the jumping back was a hint the size of Liberace’s wardrobe, being unusual behavior).
I’m not the type to initiate a hug, if it’s up to me it’ll be a handshake, but if somebody else does I don’t mind it. I’ve crashed in the same bed with guy friends when I was younger and thought nothing of it.
I will say that if you’re the guy in the office who goes around giving motivational shoulder massages to people, stop it. Stop it right now.
Yikes! I’m as pro touch as you get but even I consider that straying into sexual harassment territory.
With me it’s not particularly related to gender. I don’t hug women either, or put my arms around them casually, and I’m not real happy when it’s done to me. I just like my little personal space.
Sunday I drove my sister to the airport, and we had our “semi-annual” hug. We hug before she gets on planes that might crash and end up killing her. 
Being from the west coast, with fairly hippy parents, hugging is entirely normal to me, regardless of gender. I think growing up I actually had more hangups touching girls than guys - I had a deep fear of sexually imposing on girls, which wasn’t an issue with guys. I still feel slightly uncomfortable touching girls before it’s been clearly established as okay, but not guys.
I do hang out with a fairly metrosexual crowd (hey, San Francisco, what can I say?), so hugs, napping together, heads on shoulders, and so on are not a big deal. Cuddling is about where I draw the line. Oh, and hand-holding is very much a romantic act, so I wouldn’t do that with either-sex platonic friends. Interesting that that’s a cultural difference, though.
For me the level of physicality depends on how comfortable the other person is. For the record I am a happily married heterosexual male but I have no problem being as physical as the other person wants. A handshake is always safe. Hugging is becoming more acceptable between men. My brother in law and I always greet and depart from each other with a full body hug. On occasion, such as a holiday or birthday, we will give each other a kiss on the lips (he is a married heterosexual). I have another married heterosexual male friend who is comfortable kissing and it is “normal” for us to greet or depart from each other with a kiss on the lips. Generally my heterosexual friends are not as open as these two people and I keep it to a handshake unless the other person goes for a hug and I will reciprocate. My interaction with homosexual friends (and I have several) is the same. Whatever the comfort zone is, I will follow.
My family was the other way around - girls were rather touchy-feely with each other and with the guys, but the guys weren’t to each other.
For a perhaps a little shocking look at physical intimacy among guys, read Tom Brown’s Schooldays by Thomas Hughes. Teen boys who just naturally cuddle each other when stressed go to boarding school in the 1800’s.
This thread reminded me of an opposite situation I saw at an OMD concert. A couple there were male friends that had the type of physical contact betwixt themselves that reminded me of well-adjusted frat boys (not zombie frat boys).
Then when “talking loud and clear” (a somewhat slow love song) started, the boys turned to each other and screamed “yeahhhh!” and gave each other high fives. So, probably a bro-style couple and that was their song. Although they could have been friends that just really both liked that song.
What I feel and what I do are very different. If I had my way I’d hug every friend and (non-business) acquaintance I have hello and goodbye. I like hugs. Unfortunately as a man this is “creepy”. I don’t think I’d do hand holding or anything, but I found that I can only tolerate hand holding for brief periods of time, even in a relationship.
I guess I’d draw the line at cuddling, but then, I find platonic cuddling freaking weird no matter the gender makeup.
I want to say cheek kissing is fine, but it’s one of those things that I’m pretty sure I only think I wouldn’t mind and would kind of “wtf” if it actually happened.
I am a hugger. Sometimes at work I would give one of the mechanics a big hug when they completed a job extra fast for a hot customer or something like that. At first they looked at me a bit strange but after awhile it seemed acceptable and I think they even like it. Funny thing was I never hugged or kissed even my mother as a kid so I have no idea how I grew up to be a hugger. I suspect it came from an Argentine boss I had one time who was always giving us kids hugs. It did not feel gay at all and I actually liked it.
Whatever level of physical contact is acceptable to the guys in question is acceptable physical contact and no one else’s business. Yeesh!
I think a brief head nod from the far side of the room is usually the most contact I could countenance.
(Although I have been known to share hugs with guys who had just suffered a loss or, alternatively, were celebrating a great life event.)
I’m a woman, but there are some friends of mine from work who have a faux-family relationship. Three of them are black, around 30-ish, and grew up together pretty much. They consider each other brothers although they are not blood-related. They participate in Mardi Gras Indian activities and spend a lot of time together. The other one is white and around 50; their families have known each other for decades, if not a century. The younger guys refer to him as their uncle and he calls them his nephews.
It’s not unusual for them all to hug each other or give each other a pat on the back; I’ve even seen a forehead kiss if someone is unusually upset. “Love ya, have a good night” is normal when we’re all going home for the evening. I think it’s pretty sweet. If they were mere acquaintances it would be weird, but as de facto family members it’s different. We do live in New Orleans, though. Mores are definitely different in other parts of the country I’ve lived in. Over here, grown men call each other “baby” and you treat each others’ family members like your own.