What do you do about a violent child?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Wednesday my friend came over with her kids. Both of our hubbies were out of town, so we had dinner together and our children played. Her son is 3 weeks younger than ToddlerNym and they’ve been friend since birth.

After dinner, they’re playing in a teepee (don’t ask) in the living room and my daughter is holding one of her toys and the Unnamed Violent One (UVO) wants it. ToddlerNym holds on. He bites her, hard. I saw it happening from 10 feet away and by the time I got there she was screaming.

This is not the first time he’s bitten her but it’s the first time he’s broken the skin. He has also bitten his mother and his infant sister multiple times. He gets a timeout, he thinks it’s a joke (is actually laughing), they leave.

Today, we went to Sesame Street Live. After the show is over, we’re in the concourse getting Elmo balloons and ToddlerNym is crying because she doesn’t want the show to be over. UVO says, “Stop crying!” and hits her in the face, which sends her into hysterics.

I’m pissed. REALLY angry. So angry that I can barely speak to my girlfriend on the way to our cars.

She DID make him apologize both times, but this is getting ridiculous. Two full days later ToddlerNym STILL has his friggin’ teethmarks on her knuckle (yes, he HELD her hand to his mouth to bite her) and now he’s whacking her in the face. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if she’s doing any disciplining other than making him apologize. Wednesday she said she was going to take away his matchbox cars for the night, but I don’t know if she did.

What do I do? I don’t want ToddlerNym around him if this shit is going to continue. I’m well aware that 2.5 year olds aren’t very in control of their feelings, but ToddlerNym looks positively cool, calm and collected next to this kid.

It really sucks to see your kid screaming in pain.

Oh great…I just get an email from her: “Sorry UVO pushed ToddlerNym.” :rolleyes: Even the balloon guy (“Oh my God!”) was shocked by the hit…no WAY was it a push.

2

I don’t have kids so maybe I’m not the right person to answer this, but…it looks like you have 2 problems, the biting UVO, and the mother’s attitude that he isn’t really doing anything wrong, i.e her “downgrading” the child’s behavior from a hit to a push. I would talk to the mother and tell her you can’t allow her son to play with your daughter unless he stops this behavior. Bites can be dangerous.

3

I’d say have a very serious tak with your girlfriend and with the child. Explain to him your feelings. Tell him that each time he bites your daughter, or hits her, that he owes you a buck or something.

just don’t let this go unpunished, and don’t tell him empty threats.

that’ll just tell him that this is alright.

4

[hijack]
now that I posted a serious reply, I think I can say this–

Did you have her checked for rabies?

::Ducks and Runs::

[/hijack]

5

Keeping the two apart seems to be the most logical (and safest) approach. Is there any reason this can’t be done? I’m also a little confused as to the relationship between you and your friend. IANAParent, but I think I’d be mortified if my kid inflicted this kind of violence on another. Why isn’t your friend?

6

Mom of UVO seems to be denying the serious nature of her son’s behavior. It sounds to me as if she and the child would benefit from seeing a child therapist to teach her to deal with his violence. If she ignores it, it will almost definitely get worst.

I know it is hard to think about this with an old friend, but you need to protect your child, Sue. You are not overreacting by talking to her, limiting the interactions between your child and hers, and suggesting they seek therapy.

7

Crikey.

Well, your friend is being a lousy parent.

In the meantime, don’t let her kid anywhere near yours. Because the pattern’s not going to stop.

8

Sue, I think you should have a talk with your friend. Let her know that you feel her son is not acting appropriately towards your daughter, and that maybe you’re starting to have reservations about your children spending time together.
Of course, talking to a friend about this kind of thing can be tricky, and there could be hurt feelings on both ends. If it was me, I’d try to make it sound like I was concerned about the boy, as well as my own kid. Maybe something like: ‘That biting could cause some real problems down the line in daycare/pre-school. Have you mentioned it to your pediatrician? My daughter is afraid of being bitten.’ I would probably discuss it with other people (hee, I’d probably start a thread about it :)), and see if I could find out what other people did about a kid who liked to bite, and pass the stories on in the conversation. Sorry I can’t offer any suggestions or stories of my own, but I don’t have any children, and my exposure to them is minimal.
Good luck, and keep us posted.

Rose

9

Since it is not your child that is the biter, these could pose a problem. Anytime my children bit, I bit them. Stopped 'em real quick. But you can’t teach your child to retaliate that way. Umm, talk to the mom again? Or maybe teach your child self defense?

10

Damn! Preview is your friend!

this could pose a problem, not these

11

Well, UVO’s mom is my closest friend, behind my husband of course.

I am very hesitant to talk to her about this because if not done tactfully, will infer all sorts of things. I don’t suppose I have much of a choice though, do I?

I’m still curious about his habit though. Does this really warrant a trip to a child therapist or maybe a different tactic on his mother’s part?

12

You beat the ever-loving dog crap out of them. That’s what you do.

13

I think talk of therapy is a bit premature. In my exerience, some kids are biters. IT is just one of those weird quirks that some small subset of children show, like hte ones that beat there heads on the floor when they rae frustrated or the ones that hold their breath when they are frustrated: a weird, extreme behavior that you sure as hell know you didn’t model for them. A good friend of mine’s son was a biter. He wasn’t violent in any other way, but when he got over-excited–like when they would play-wrestle–he would bite, and bite hard. He’d be laughing while he did it, and expect others to laugh with him. They tried time outs, and they tried spanking, and they tried biting him back and I honest to god don’t know if any of that helped or if he just grew out of it. He is 6 years od now and one of the most non-violent little boys I know.

However, even if it is just a phase, you still have to protect your child: little kids can bite HARD. I would try to keep the two of them apart for a while–it dosen’t have to be forever, because 2 year olds change quickly. Say six weeks. Then you can try cautiously reintroducing them, with the caveat that if any fihgting breaks out (on either side–we don’t want to set them as bad kid/good kid) the play date is over. Then wait six weeks and try again.

14

Human bites ARE dangerous. Not from rabies, silly. But from infection. You should have taken the kid to the doctor for a tetnus shot, if its necessary.

Most kids that young learn from their folks so he might just be duplicating what he sees there at home betwixt his folks.

15

He does that too. :frowning:

16

i would def. speak to the mother. children should not strike out at playmates when they are angry or frustrated. they should be taught how to channel those feelings properly. unfortunately your friend is not doing that. she is allowing him to get away with VERY inappropiate behaivour. for the saftey of your daughter i would not allow them to be together until he understands that striking out at people is not acceptable. and yes even at 2.5 you can channel anger and frustration correctly. the fact that he laughed off the time out, and mom is not seeing the seriousness of it is very troubling. toddlernym is way too precious to be bruised and bloodied by an out-of-control playmate.

17

Ask the child’s mother if she’d object to you administering a moderate smack across her child’s bottom. If she doesn’t, then great. If she does object, then ask her if she’d like to do it herself. If that fails, tell her you would like her to remove her child from your presence ASAP, and never to bring him back. Your friendship isn’t worth your child being injured.

18

I have been in exactly your situation, with more than 1 kid. The biting thing can be cured (sometimes), by biting the kid back. They just don’t understand the problem until it is done to them.

I had this problem with a kid that pushed (I tried every loving thing you could think of and then decided one day to push him, then ask him if he liked it. He didn’t do it again.)

The biter was smarter, and he’d watch when no one was looking, then chew one some kid. I got to the point where I’d show him my teeth, then bite him enough to hurt him. He didn’t like it, but he did’t stop either. I stopped seeing the parents & wouldn’t let my daughter be anywhere he was going to be. My first responsibility was to protect her from all dangers that I could, and I knew that this kid was enjoying inflicting pain on my daughter.

The mother pretended that nothing was wrong, and when shown the bite marks, she got huffy. At that point I couldn’t have cared less, because she obviously didn’t care about the socialization of her kid, nor the welfare of anyone elses kids.

19

This is directed not just at the above poster but to all others who have directed Sue to talk to the mother about al this.
Really, people. Think how any of you would react if someone criticized your child’s behavior, then suggested you both needed therapy. Suggestions like these are a sure way to deep-six Sue’s friendship with this woman. Not only that, but it’s really not anyone else’s business how someone raises their child as long as they aren’t being abused.
Sue has every right to protect her own child. She also has the right to express her opinions and feelings about her friends child to her friend. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to do so. If Sue tells her friend that because her child can’t be non-violent and she won’t let them play together, that alone shuld be a big eye-opener to her friend. It’s important that she makes it clear that she’s only looking out for her own child’s welfare, and not passing judgement on her friend, which many other people on here’s suggestions would amount to. If Sue’s friend can’t figure out something is wrong just from Sue not wanting them to play together, then the friend is an idiot, and no amount of therapy can cure THAT condition.

20

Sue, what is more important, your relationship with this woman or the safety and emotional well-being of your child?

This kind of violence against your daughter could cause all kinds of problems besides just an infection from a human bite (more on that below). Do you really want your daughter to get the idea that it’s ok for boys to take out their anger and frustration with physical attacks? As you said, this is not the first time he’s bitten her (what is it, the 3rd, 4th, 5th?) and now he’s HITTING her IN THE FACE! Putting her back in the line of fire is DANGEROUS, not only imminently, but it could certainly lead to very frightening emotional problems in her interaction with boys and boyfriends as she grows older if you allow it to continue.

That child relies on you to protect her. By continuing to expose her to this bully (and yes, even at 2½, that’s what he is), you’re sending her some very dangerous messages. Boys hit, but if they say they’re sorry every time they do it, it’s ok to let them keep doing it. I mean, he did apologize, didn’t he? You know he loves you. He doesn’t always hit you. If you wouldn’t want your daughter to put up with that crap in a relationship when she’s older, why do you force her to have to put up with it when she’s just a baby, for heaven’s sake?

If this were my child and my best girlfriend, I’d tell her I’d get together with her if and only if she hires a babysitter for that monster she’s raising because I don’t want him within a 100 yards of my child so long as he can’t control himself any better than an animal. End of friendship? FINE. My daughter’s trust in me (which could be seriously damaged if I don’t do my job and protect her) and her emotional and physical well-being is FAR more important to me than any girlfriend on this planet.

Now, as for that bite. Take her to a doctor and have it properly cleaned and examined. Human bites can cause serious infections. Read this site with regard to bite wounds of the hand, specifically. Amongst other things, it says:

Bottom line, this is not something to fuck around with.