Freelance professional liar.
Iwork mostly at the high end of the market usually being called in to lie to the Crowned Heads of Europe though I have on occasion been called in to lie to the POTUS and the President of Russia when their own liars were on vacation.
Due to the nature of the job the hours are varied,some weeks I have had to lie more or less continuosly for over three hundred hours over a three day period but usually its nowhere near that intensive.
Why do these world leaders need my services I hear you ask?
Well its quite simple really, politicians of all ranks lie to each other all day every day and so their psyches adapt to this .
But what happens when they’re on holiday or even sometimes out of hours during the working week?
Well they’re OK with the pro active side of lieing ,they can lie to their families and staff but the other side of the coin is not so easily dealt with.
When it comes to glib,smooth PROFESSIONAL lies their families and staff being amateurs just cant deliver the goods no matter how hard they try.
The politician bereft of being lied to starts feeling disturbed and uneasy and quite simply thats where I come in …
I am much too active a person to enjoy holidays in the conventional sense but I am very religious(Not surprisingly as not only am I a close personal friend of the Pope but have been having a long term on/off sexual relationship with the Archbishop of Canterburys wife)
I am in fact a convert to "Multi Faith"courtesy of my old mate Harrison Ford and so I indulge myself by making a pilgrimage to Mecca every year,taking six weeks out to visit India to waylay travellers and sacrifice them to Kali(usually work out at the gym for a few weeks prior to that all that strangulation is just hell on the wrists)
I’m also a Druid of the highest order so they’d have my guts for garters if I didn’t make it to Stonehenge for Summer Solstice every year and on top of that I keep a couple of weeks by for self flagellation and fasting.
As we’re talking about religion here (or at least I am anyway) I’ll tell you this because Dopers are like the family I never had(I am in fact Jack Kennedys illegitimate son by Greta Garbo,but the Kennedys never recognised me,short sighted bastards that they are)
Usually I try to keep this quiet but the Catholic Church wanted to actually make me a saint WHILE I WAS STILL ALIVE !amazing huh?
Of course they expected me to go through with being crucified for forms sake but basically it was a shoo in.
As you can guess by nature I am basically a shy,modest sort of person with simple tastes so I politely declined,I said I was flattered but when it comes down to it I am a very private person and it was just not for me.
Funnily enough I had to say more or less the same thing to a primitive tribe who wanted to make me their god ,I am not being egotistical here, when I say primitive I mean VERY,VERY primitive,uncouth savages conversing in grunts,wearing animal skins and living in their own squalor.
Or as we call them over here “People who live in the North of England”
I could keep them fascinated for hours by demonstrating" little sticks that make fire" or matches as we humans call them.
But anyway you all know more about me then my own missus does(Jennifer Anniston,yes I know but we kept it out of the news,I get so sick of her going around bragging to everyone that shes using me for sex theres no way I was going to put up with the general publics intrusions into my privacy)
I’ll just finish with one of the biggest compliments paid to me on my professional expertise and one of which if I wasn’t so intrinsically humble I’d be very proud.
I was doing a job for the Chinese Premier(Only a little one,had to lie to him during a state dinner and at a Party Congress)when all of a sudden he said to me L4L you are incredible at your job,I wouldn’t be surprised to see you as Prime minister of Great Britain one day!
Do you know I get more pleasure from his compliment then when Gwynith Paltrow,Sharon Stone and two of their film starlet friends ,who for discretions sake will remain nameless said ,and I quote L4L you are totally the best shag we’ve ever had,a living sex machine,if ever you want us to be your sex slaves just call.
I think thats sweet but it would hurt Jennys feelings too much.
But now I must finish ,identity theft is always a real risk and I’ve said too much already.