My mom is great to talk things over with, but sometimes, what I need more than anything is human contact - a hand on my shoulder, a hug, holding hands, a really big hug. Trouble is, most of my friends are far, far away, and my mom isn’t really great at giving the physical comfort. My dad used to be, but that’s one of the things he’s lost as his dementia worsens.
Some days, I feel like standing on the street corner with a sign that says “Will work, read, sing, or tell clean jokes for hugs.”
Stuff has to be pretty bad for me to need external reassurance, in which case I go directly to my husband. If he’s not available (which has been once in 8 yrs) I’ve got a long time friend from college and a family member who know me as I know myself.
Altogether I’ve sought reassurance 4 to 5 times in the last 8 years. and, god, I needed it.
Only when things are hugely bad (at least in my eyes) do I need reassurance. Run of the mill crap I tend to handle okay. Like if I screw up on an assignment and am worried about the resulting fallout, I can coach myself through the stress until I get to the other side of it. Feelings of self-loathing are foreign to me, so it’s not like I need people to remind me that I’m good, smart, or whatever. Balance’s post resonated with me.
The one area that I do need reassurance on is when it comes to my feelings. Often if a situation or person is rubbing me the wrong way, I feel unsure as to whether my feelings are justified. Am I overreacting? Am I the one who is doing wrong? Is it crazy for me to feel this way? Often I need someone to tell me no, I’m not overreacting or at fault or crazy.
Trying to picture how this would look…
mmm
I never got that as a child (well, very occasionally, but never from my parents and very rarely from close relatives - and if they did it in front of my mother, she’d berate them for it). I eventually learned to pat my own back.
Occasionally I’ve asked a friend (or Littlebro) to do it.
It depends on the type of question. Google helps reassure me a lot. For stuff that google doesn’t answer fully, or stuff that has a subjective interpretation, I might make a post about it here. For emotional validation, I might make a post on somethingawful (I’ve learned that people here don’t take kindly to that kind of weakness), or I might just distract myself if I know I’m being temporarily irrational. If I have a medical question, I have the internet–also, my mom is a nurse, so I might ask her.
I’ve had issues with being indecisive all my life, with a series of co-dependent relationships (beginning with my mother and culminating in an emotionally-abusive drug-abusing boyfriend), and I’m trying to take control. I used to seek validation for every little thing, and I’m sure it came off as needy. I’m getting better at just making a decision without requiring reassurance that it’s the right one. But it’s a long road… =)
I do a lot myself, (having been forced to as a young adult, or my world would have been bereft of it altogether).
Next, I would turn to my husband. Not his forte, but with a little prompting, (Like saying “I’m looking for some reassurance here!”), he’ll step up and take a shot.
Beyond that, I would turn to my friends. But by, ‘turn to’, I mean I would specifically tell them my issues and what I was seeking from them. (They’re friends not psychics!) I know, from experience, that they will provide, what I need, in ample supply. I am not a very needy person, so I’m sure that’s part of their willingness to help me.
Not really sure how to answer this. As an introvert, I seldom look outside myself for anything along the lines of feelings, I don’t look for reassurance about specific events or situations, and I’m not likely to find any of the choices in the poll reassuring. However, it’s also true that when other things are going well, I’m less affected by adverse events. Consequently, I don’t do anything different when I feel bad, but I might spend more time doing the things that make me feel like a competent, balanced, or lovable person, and less time doing the things that don’t.
I used to be someone that would look for reassurance. Like, if I was failing in a class or worried about not being able to find a job, I would feel better if someone said, “It’s going to be okay. Remember how you worried the last time and things worked out?” My sister could always upright the world by saying something as simple as this.
But now I’m kind of immune to reassurance, which is not that big of a deal because I don’t worry very often. I get annoyed sometimes and if I need to “work it out”, I’ll try to get feedback from the SD. If other people sympathize, that makes me feel better. But it also helps to see the other side.
Sometimes I don’t like myself. People reassure me that I’m nice or smart or whatever. I will be touched by their efforts, but I won’t really believe them. So I’m learning how to accept my lack of self-acceptance and keep it from being an issue.
Sometimes reassurance can devolve into empty platitudes. But if you’re always burdening people with your problems, then you can’t always expect to hear the “right” thing. Learning how to comfort yourself is probably one of the most important lessons a person can learn in life.
I get loaded and troll the internet. In other words, “I live without reassurance, and it sucks,” but I don’t take it lying down.
I mostly do without it. I’ve complained a lot about my mom, but there’s no doubt her treatment of me made me tough; she rarely gave me reassurance and so I’ve learned to do without it. If I really need it, I try and distract myself from it, and my other half is always available for hugs.
I look at the idiots around me and grade myself on a curve.