What do you do when you need reassurance?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I need the kind of reassurance a child needs. Somebody telling me that yes, I did good, that I am good, good enough, that it will be allright. And they have to make me believe it. Which is not easy with someone as argumentative and schooled in complicated psycho turnarounds as I am.

Anyway, I would like to know: do you ever need reassurance? And if you do, where do you get it? Anonymous poll to follow.

I do without it, and I do fine. Usually. Not today, but most other days.

I grow chest on my hair and toughen up.

But it would be nice though… no one ever gave me any…

.

Thanks to Stuart Smalley, I do this.

I pull the slide back just far enough to see that there is one in the chamber.
Oh yes, the OP. I do without and do fine. :slight_smile:

Do fine without.

Live without it and mostly it’s fine, but sometimes it really sucks.

I had a breast cancer scare about a year ago. I am so accustomed to tackling all my own problems head-on by myself, that it never even occurred to me to ask anyone for support until about a day before my surgery. (Results: benign, I’m fine.)

I didn’t even realize it until my sister emailed me and said “I sure wish I could be down there to hold your hand, but I can’t, so I have to count on your friends to do it.” The surgery was right before Christmas so everyone I knew had bolted out of town on their holiday travels. Although my sister was counting on my friends to support me, I knew there wouldn’t be anyone there to do it. And that’s when I cried about it – not because I wanted reassurance all of a sudden, but because I knew I’d never have it even if I could ask for it. In retrospect, I think a little external reassurance would have been really useful.

I do it myself, using CBT techniques I’ve learned.

My husband is not good at this, despite me explaining the techniques and talking him through when he’s needed reassurance.

It would be nice to ask for some without my wife internalizing my problem, thereby making it her problem about which I have to reassure her, so I largely do without.

Drink.

Sometimes I get really anxious and feel like I need reassurance. I used to go to my husband for it, but we learned that reassurance-seeking behavior is reinforced when the other person gives in, and makes the anxiety reaction stronger. So I am learning to deal with it on my own, either by doing something nice for myself or distracting myself through the worst of it.

By the way, when I say seeking reassurance from my husband, I’m not talking about a hug or a kind word, which he freely gives. I’m talking about a constant monologue of ‘‘Am I bad? I’m not bad, am I? We’re going to be okay, right? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I feel so bad. Am I bad?’’

Incidentally, I used to have a problem seeking reassurance on the Dope as well. I’m learning to stop that behavior too.

We probably shouldn’t try to reassure each other.

I mostly do without it*, and it’s okay because I don’t really seek it. My very weakest people-management skill is without a doubt satisfying people who need external validation because I don’t understand that need.

  • But my new boss is big on telling people they do a good job. It still makes me a little uneasy because it’s so alien.

Fortunately, I have crap shooter confidence. I make the best decisions I can at the time and move on. Years of experience have showed me that when others disagree with my direction, I’m likely moving in the right direction. But I also don’t crave negative assurance.

I don’t really feel the need for that sort of reassurance. It’s nice to hear that I’ve done something well, but I don’t need it to maintain my confidence. Probably the only reason my self-confidence doesn’t cross the line into outright arrogance (in my humble opinion, of course) is that I’m honest about the things I’m terrible at, too. I try to maintain a realistic assessment of my abilities.

I live without reassurance. I’m talking about comfort when things go wrong, not validation for work well done. My mom’s passed on, and my husband is a reassur-ee, not a reassur-er.

I reassure myself. It’s the kind of thing that I can’t get from anyone else, not even my partner.

I don’t know that I’ve consciously ever thought I needed reassurance, but I’m sure I have needed it subconsciously. For all the ass-pain they can be, young kids are great for providing unconditional love (and unconditional poop and tantrums, but, yeah, love, too).

{{{{Bless your heart.}}}} We all need somebody. Reach out more. Somebody will be there.

I talk to my Mom. Other people too, but mostly Mom.