I don’t know about you, but sometimes I need the kind of reassurance a child needs. Somebody telling me that yes, I did good, that I am good, good enough, that it will be allright. And they have to make me believe it. Which is not easy with someone as argumentative and schooled in complicated psycho turnarounds as I am.
Anyway, I would like to know: do you ever need reassurance? And if you do, where do you get it? Anonymous poll to follow.
Live without it and mostly it’s fine, but sometimes it really sucks.
I had a breast cancer scare about a year ago. I am so accustomed to tackling all my own problems head-on by myself, that it never even occurred to me to ask anyone for support until about a day before my surgery. (Results: benign, I’m fine.)
I didn’t even realize it until my sister emailed me and said “I sure wish I could be down there to hold your hand, but I can’t, so I have to count on your friends to do it.” The surgery was right before Christmas so everyone I knew had bolted out of town on their holiday travels. Although my sister was counting on my friends to support me, I knew there wouldn’t be anyone there to do it. And that’s when I cried about it – not because I wanted reassurance all of a sudden, but because I knew I’d never have it even if I could ask for it. In retrospect, I think a little external reassurance would have been really useful.
It would be nice to ask for some without my wife internalizing my problem, thereby making it her problem about which I have to reassure her, so I largely do without.
Sometimes I get really anxious and feel like I need reassurance. I used to go to my husband for it, but we learned that reassurance-seeking behavior is reinforced when the other person gives in, and makes the anxiety reaction stronger. So I am learning to deal with it on my own, either by doing something nice for myself or distracting myself through the worst of it.
By the way, when I say seeking reassurance from my husband, I’m not talking about a hug or a kind word, which he freely gives. I’m talking about a constant monologue of ‘‘Am I bad? I’m not bad, am I? We’re going to be okay, right? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I feel so bad. Am I bad?’’
Incidentally, I used to have a problem seeking reassurance on the Dope as well. I’m learning to stop that behavior too.
I mostly do without it*, and it’s okay because I don’t really seek it. My very weakest people-management skill is without a doubt satisfying people who need external validation because I don’t understand that need.
But my new boss is big on telling people they do a good job. It still makes me a little uneasy because it’s so alien.
Fortunately, I have crap shooter confidence. I make the best decisions I can at the time and move on. Years of experience have showed me that when others disagree with my direction, I’m likely moving in the right direction. But I also don’t crave negative assurance.
I don’t really feel the need for that sort of reassurance. It’s nice to hear that I’ve done something well, but I don’t need it to maintain my confidence. Probably the only reason my self-confidence doesn’t cross the line into outright arrogance (in my humble opinion, of course) is that I’m honest about the things I’m terrible at, too. I try to maintain a realistic assessment of my abilities.
I live without reassurance. I’m talking about comfort when things go wrong, not validation for work well done. My mom’s passed on, and my husband is a reassur-ee, not a reassur-er.
I don’t know that I’ve consciously ever thought I needed reassurance, but I’m sure I have needed it subconsciously. For all the ass-pain they can be, young kids are great for providing unconditional love (and unconditional poop and tantrums, but, yeah, love, too).