This. If she’s going to hate it anyway, you might as well give her something really dreadful. Especially if she’s the sort who feels obligated to put gifts on display in her home so as not to offend the giver.
What Do You Get For Someone Who Doesn’t Like Anything?
Get him money. That’s what I do in most instances.
To get something for someone, it takes time, trouble, and money; all of which I am pretty much attached to positively or negatively – the trouble.
Now, according to the Golden Rule in its positive version: Do unto others what you want others to do unto you, since I want others to give me money, I give them money if I have to give them anything.
How much to give?
Think of how much the object you want to give is going to cost you in direct cash output, throw in the calculated worth of your time and trouble and loss of gain in the use of time and trouble in otherwise making money, multiply that by two or more times in accordance with your goodness and sense of generous proportions. Put the severally computed amounts all together, and put the sum in the pocket of the person you want to give something to. Just put it in his or her pocket, and tell her to buy for herself or keep the money or use it any way at his own wishes and discretion.
That is the best gift to give to people, for money is power and liberty of choices. You give something material but not cash, then you are already limiting the liberty of the receiver, and he’s not further empowered in life.
Now, for some hypocrisies that I hate:
People prefer to give something instead of cash because it’s cheaper.
People prefer to give what they don’t want anymore and can’t use, instead of something useful to others.
People prefer to give something because they enjoy shopping, even though what they buy is of no usefulness or acceptance to the recipient.
People don’t give from goodness to others more needy; because they tell themselves and others that they must prepare for their children’s future. The best preparation kids need is a very good education and very good examples from parents; unless of course their children are moronic retardate invalids.
Then also Jesus tells us that children don’t give things to their parents, because those things are already consecrated to God – they tell their parents.
People give and then quarrel to get back what they give when they don’t get what they thought they should with their gifts.
People prefer to give spiritual gifts like Bibles, and yes, prayers, plenty of prayers, instead of things others can really use and they do need in this life to remain in a prayerful life.
Shall we all contribute to the hypocrisy of giving, in this thread; so that we would not go and do likewise, i.e., hypocritcally.
Susma Rio Sep
just tell her:
Mother, i love thee dearly. What shall i bare you, as a gift, that would honor my humble self to one of those glorious smiles you give?
or something handy…like china…silverweare…one of those fill with water pots+floating candles?
Thanks, valuable suggestions all. Including the sock in the nose. But sheesh, I’ve spent all day on a quest to remember a book or movie or anything she’s liked, and I can’t come up with a damn thing.
And it’s not like she doesn’t read, she claims to love to read. Though how one can go through life reading and not find a thing one likes. I can’t even think of a topic she enjoys.
The gift certificate is right out, as is cash. I ask for them right out and she bitches and moans about how impersonal they are. It’s not IMPERSONAL if I ASK you to give it to me.
<slight hijack>
<gets out soapbox>
You know, people like the OP’s mother really chap my hide. Why can’t people recognize that a gift, ANY gift given sincerely, is a precious, wonderful gesture. It means that someone cares enough about you to put some thought, effort, and/or cash toward expressing to you that they appreciate your existence. Think of how many people spend their holidays alone, talk to waitresses and bartenders as their main source of socializing, and/or jump off a bridge because they feel that no one cares about them.
I have effusively thanked people whom I didn’t really like, or who presented me with what I considered utter dreck, because they had gone to the trouble of giving me a gift. It’s humbling, really, to get a sincere gift from someone you don’t like; here you don’t really care about this person and yet they care about you. And what does it matter, really, if their taste doesn’t match yours; the point is that they found something that they hope gives you pleasure. (Of course, the gratitude is much more effusive if the gift is that exquisite trinket I’d been eyeing, or some delightful thing I’d never have found in a million years, or whatever. But I digress.) The proper sentiment, first and foremost, is neither “What a hideous piece of trash” nor “What a lovely ornament – I’m going to wear it next to my heart always and pass it to my children as a treasured heirloom when I die” – it is “How thoughtful of you.”
Be grateful for friends bearing gifts, people. It means you are loved. The object is immaterial; it’s the person bringing it who counts.
<puts away soapbox>
</slight hijack>
I understand; despite everything you can not give her cash, a gift certificate, or violence (but consider the anti-depressants).
If you are an only child, give her anything nice you would like eventually (Waterford wine glasses are nice).
If she entertains at all (or drinks alcohol), give her expensive alcohol.
If she gardens, give her insanely expensive perrenial bulbs.
If she cooks, ask the clerk at William Sonama for the hottest new kitchen gadget (if it is a knife, tape a penny to the outside of the box so she can give it back to you; a knife as a gift cuts the relationship).
If she DYIs, give her anything from Lowe’s or Home Depot (they have nice return policies, and people who would not return a sweater will return the wrong drill.)
If you can’t please her, get her lovely gifts certain to annoy her. She likes tea-roses? Buy her dahlias.
But most importantly, get over it. It’s just who she is.
heh, heh.
“Ch-ch-ch Chia! Ch-ch-ch-chia Pet!”
Or a sock in the nose.
Or a coconut carved to look like a monkey head or pirate. Best yet? A coconut carved to look like a PIRATE MONKEY HEAD!!!
I seriously gave that to someone and he never stopped thanking me for it. (Ok, he begged me to get him the tackiest cruise souvenir possible, but that’s beside the point.)
I best of all like the suggestion to give something you hope will end up back in your hands someday. Seriously. Don’t give Precious Moments figurines or something because, Lord help you, they might end up your inheritance!
Donate to a “books for the poor” kind of charity in her name.
My evil twin wants to say, print out this thread and give it to her.
A subscription to Cook’s Illustraited.
Get a Very Nice vase, and periodically, bring inexpensive flowers for it.
I sell a TON of small bouquets to guys every week to go into the nice crystal or silver vases that I sold them before.
Vase outlay should be +$25, and initial flowers more expensive. Later on, a couple of alstroemeria, a single lily, some daisies…$3-$10 max, less if you pick up something at the grocery store.
The vase should be only slightly larger than a bud vase (opening) but can be any height or circumference at the bottom.
Your basic refillable Sign O’Love for your Momster. The sock in the nose would be nice, but that’s more a gift one gives to please ones self.
A Rhinestone Jesus, with a Ruby loincloth?
Seriously, it sounds like you have a common giftgiving problem; namely, you seem to only want to give what you enjoy buying. Why does it have to be a book or movie? You told us those are bad gift ideas, for your mother. So, stop thinking in those terms, and start thinking of what she might actually enjoy receiving. There have been some good suggestions made; kitchen gadgets, gardening gifts, etc.
Get her a Winnie the Pooh movie. One that stars Eyore. “Woe is me. Everything sucks. I hate the world. My ears are too long. Oh shit. I woke up again.”
Or, get her some Mel Brooks movies and watch her yukk it up!
Oh, be nice. She needs something that still shows she tried, and preferably a book. I imagine mom has many redeeming qualities to make up for this one flaw, else OP wouldn’t go through all this trouble. Try one of the James Herriot books, they’re inoffensive. He writes about his years as a rural veterinarian in England, iirc.
Try it.
Well, there’s always this:
The Last Gift You’ll Ever Get Someone…
When you give this gift, you’ll never have to worry about having to think about what to buy that person ever again…
Seriously, I don’t have a lot of patience for people who are ungrateful for gifts. Once in a while, maybe. But to constantly find fault with everything she gives you? How about a gift certificate for clothes or something?
Oh man, I’m crying here.
She looks like she wants to get all… “chatty”.
Holy Crap! You just described my mother-in-law perfectly! 
Oh, I’ve got it: get her one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul (this is the mothers’ version) books. It’s a little pointed, yes, but it would be hard for her to be offended .
Okay, I’d be offended if someone I loved got me one of those. But she sounds like she could use it.