For reasons of sociability, I need to attend a party thrown in honor of someone I really don’t like. An architecture student, he spent several years in the Peace Corps, and now has decided to go to law school. A good friend (who doesn’t like him much either) has been roped into hosting a goodbye party for the little shithead. I’d like to get him a gift that on the surface says “congratulations” but also says “you are a worthless sack of dog shit cunningly fashioned into human form” It shouldn’t cost more than $20 bucks or so either, because I’m willing to throw a few bucks at a lame joke, but the useles rat bastard isn’t worth any more. I’m thinking some kind of book, maybe “The Prince” or “Chicken Soup For the Scumbag Soul.” Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Oh, man. You’re really asking a lot. A gift that says “Congratulations” on the surface but also says “You are a worthless sack of dog shit cunningly fasioned into human form” on a deeper level? Have you considered a multi level cake? Okay, an architecture student, huh? How about some stencils, you know with some “joke” note like “Just in Case You Decide to Revive Old Interests” Then get him one of those supergrip pencils the kids in elementary school use to learn how to form shapes. Of course, if you’d rather insult his future prospects rather than past, how about a “Law for Dummies” book or some such nonsense?
Wow. That’s a difficult position. A great idea though - I’ve always given NICE gifts to people I don’t like. Odd, I know, but that’s me.
Hmm. How about pet mice? They’re smelly little unfriendly buggers, and if he has an ounce of compassion, he wouldn’t just kill the poor bastards. A mating pair would be best…Though I can’t really see how that particular gift would say “congratulations.”
Ooh, here’s another. Subscribe him to some stupid, boring magazine or catalog. That way, not only will he have the junk mail to deal with, he’ll also be on their mailing list, and thus probably have his name sold to every telemarketer from here to hell and back.
Failing that, you can always get him a Chia Pet.
Purchas the gift at some sort of 7-11 type store.
Or get him a fruitcake.
I always find after shave/colonge to be an offensive gift. For one thing there is not that much thought put into it and for another, what? Do I stink?
If you MUST attend this gathering, just get a card.
Since when is it required that you give a gift? Crap I have so many step-family, a few of whom I enjoy talking to but they are mostly there on major family gatherings.
They don’t get me gifts, unless forced to for Christmas when we do a ‘drawing’ for the gifts and we end up with a list of stuff we can get our family member. My birthday is pretty much limited to my immediate family anyway and I don’t expect a damn gift, I just want their presence.
So just do a card.
WhyTF would you spend any money on someone that you don’t like?
A card says, have fun, enjoy your life. A card saves you disgrace when it comes to the others in the mixture. You did an effort and you didn’t shirk (sp) your professional or your social duties but also doesn’t leave you out $20 when you could spend that on someone you really care about.
If people are taken aback by you not getting this person that which you dislike a fabulous gift, they need to get a damn life. Gift expectations are too pushed these days.
Family is one thing, social obligations just is over the top…Shit I even hate the idea that people throw baby showers for women in a work situation unless it’s thrown by a friend of the mom-to-be and the women that are invited are true friends.
People really have their ideas of gift giving thrown out of the universe and the course by which we circle the Sun.
UGH, get the guy a damn card…make him a damn card but don’t spend anymore than you have to…if you feel so damn obligated:
- Card with “Congrats on your new life”
- Don’t even attend the party/occasion…man that whole social obligation really annoys me.
- Stop the insanity and say you have previous plans with a dear family member that you can’t break.
Lie your ass off, don’t go…Jeezus.
1 copy: Dating For Dummies.
With a suitable inscription. 
Well, it’s a bit more than $20, but how about a cheap .25 automatic with a lollipop stuck down the barrel?
My suggestion would be to rise above your feelings for this person. You can never tell, he might change while he is in law school and it might end up you’re glad you know him. It’s happened to me a couple of times. And who knows, you might need a lawyer someday.
Get him a plant (a large fern). It is green, living, relatively inexpensive and a royal pain to ship to another location. There also used to be a book titled Why People Hate Lawyers or something like that.
When it comes to parties and bringing gifts, a nice bottle of booze is more than enough. You could probably even find a nice little set that comes with a bottle of Jameson’s and a couple high ball glasses for about $20. It’s cheap, it’s effective, and hey, if you don’t like the person, they probably don’t like you and won’t remember or care what you got them. This way, you can get yourself drunk and not feel like a choad at the same time.
Bon Voyage!!
Make him a fancy-looking certificate on your own computer stating that you donated 10 dollars to a charity in his name. Make the charity for something that he is completely against. For example, if he is pro-life, give 10 dollars to Planned Parenthood in his name.
Successories! Or, even better, something from http://www.despair.com.
I like these: Megalomaniacal Maxims
http://www.despair.com/demotivators/megmax.html
ME
I saw this happen one time and, I swear, I thought it was the funniest thing.
A friend of mine was in a position similar to yours. He bought the offending person a “gift-card” to a store. Then used the card to make purchases to within a few dollars (cents?) of the total value.
The card should have on the face it’s purchased value ("OOoohh! Look! A Pier One Gift card for $100!) Then give the card to the recipient.
Is it petty? Yes.
Is it a fun way to tell them that you think they’re a creep? Yes.
Will anyone believe them when they tell everyone that you shorted them on a gift-card? Doubtful.
Better yet, if he decides to re-gift it, he’ll end up looking like a sap; unless he fesses up!
You people are mean. I don’t know what this person ever did/didn’t do to you, but this just looks like you’re trying to set him up to be totally humiliated in front of everyone he knows. I know 12 year olds with more decency than that. Grow up, get a simple, no-big deal gift and get on with your life.
:rolleyes:
I think an important question here is why you don’t like the guy. I can see a coupple possibilites:
-
You don’t like him because you think he is a bad person: he cheats on his wife and brags about it at work, he blamed is own serious fuck-up on a hapless intern, he takes office supplies home by the briefcase load. In this case, don’t get him a gift and don’t go: the only reason poeple like this are held in check at all is because of social censure.
-
He’s a perfectly decent human being, he just irritates you: he talks all the ime about what a great guy he is, he interupts others in order to insert “When I was in the Peace Corp . . .” after every point, he tells long, intricate jokes and forgets the punch lines, he shops at K-mart and critiques everyone who dosen’t as being self-indulgent wastrels, he dosen’t eat meat and leaves the table if anyone else pulls out a tuna sandwitch. In this case, get him a nice, impersonal gift and be glad you son’t have to work with him anymore.
Slight hijack I guess but, if this guy never did anything bad TO YOU, I’d recommend not doing anything bad to him, just get him a card or as Manda JO suggested, a nice impersonal gift.
On the other hand… I do love GrizzRich’s idea of the gift card.
Thank you all for the wonderfull suggestions. He did, in fact, do something bad to me, the details of which I’ll not get into here. I am obliged to attend the party, but I won’t stay long, and I won’t get him a gift. I wasn’t required to do so; I just thought it would be funny.
Thanks again fot the devious ideas, especially GrizzRich; I gotta try that sometime
$20 worth of lottery tickets. His chances of winning anything are vanishingly small. Or, you could get some of the scratcher-type tickets, and scratch them yourself, then give the (obviously losing) cards to him. Or maybe if there was one that won five bucks, let him have that one.
If you want to embarass him in law school, get his mailing address and then subscribe him to some woefully inappropriate magazine.