I bought a copy of Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansink for a friend. It’s a cool as hell book and I wish it were my copy. Basically, it’s all about the psychology of eating: what hidden motivators like ambient light and size of containers make us eat more or less, and so forth.
But it also has tips on how to not eat so much. I mean, a lot of them. It seems like the real focus of the books is weight loss, not cool experiments in psychology. It’s all terrific advice anyway and backed up with real science.
My friend’s always had a problem with snacking on unhealthy stuff. He’s always cathing guff for eating junk food and just eating for the sheer fun of it–it made him gain about 70 pounds. Now he’s on a diet kick and has lost a good bit of weight in addition to going to the gym, but he still has trouble with “mindless eating.”
Is this a rude gift to give? Will it send the message “hey, lose some weight, fatty”?
Hmmm…it might be. If I got a book like that, I’d think it was cool. Then, I’d probably wonder if the giver thought I was fat because I worry endlessly and am kind of paranoid. (And I don’t need to lose any weight.)
Is your friend the sensitive type?
I guess if you wanted to be totally safe, you might want to go with something a little less…loaded? I mean, he might not be upset…but one never knows.
Is he upfront and open about his weightloss efforts? Is he open to helpful suggestions? Is he the type to see this as helpful advice rather than criticism?
Do you think if I gave a copy to him and bought one for myself, and mentioned that I had one, too, that might help reduce the worry that I was sending subtle messages?
If you can’t tell, I’m looking for just about any justification to have a copy of this book
There are a few cases where it might be appropriate to give this gift:
You’ve discussed the book in the past with this friend and they expressed an interest in checking the book out.
You’ve already established a pattern of providing this friend with moral support and advice in regards to this new diet kick.
(this is where I put in the requisite Hi Opal!, yes?)
If none of the above are a “yes”, then I’d suggest keeping it for yourself or “lending” it to them with the intent of telling them its a gift when they try to return it.
Unless you know 100% that it isn’t insulting (you’ve talked about this type of thing before with no problem and no defensiveness), I would assume that it is possible or even likely that it be taken that way. Instead, read the book yourself, next time you happen to be discussing something related with your friend, mention the book and ask whether he would like to borrow it. And then don’t take it back.
That book is on my wishlist at Amazon. So if your friend hates it, send it to me!
Actually, I think if you frame it with “this sounds really interesting, I think you’d enjoy it” that should eliminate the “what, do I look fat?” issue.
Yeah, I’d find it pretty passive-aggressive. I’m sure it’s a great book and a fascinating subject but…just don’t. Recently I had four or five people send me the same article on out-of-control perfectionists from New York Times and it hurt my feelings although I just ended up joking with them about it.
I wouldn’t do it as a Christmas or birthday present, unless he specifically asked for self-help books… But as a random gift, I think it depends on how openly you talk about his weight/dieting. If you would feel comfortable asking how the dieting is going, then I’d say it would be okay to give him a copy. But if you wouldn’t ask him about his dieting, then I wouldn’t offer the book – under those circumstance he probably wouldn’t take the advice very seriously, it would just be filed away with all the random advice that I’m sure he’s getting from all sides already.
I agree that it would be better to not frame it as a “gift”, but more of passing along information, in the same way that you might copy a magazine article for him.
I find that most people, even if they do joke about it, are very sensitive about their weight. How can you not be? Even if you’re comfortable with your weight, you’re still going to get misguided comments, and looks. Joking about it just seems to be their way of acknowledging it in a way that isn’t hurtful to them. As a person who recently has been porking out like it was a job I cared about, I would be upset about someone giving me that as a gift. However, it does sound like a really cool book, and I also recommend buying it for yourself, raving, and then lending it.
Also, if you are planning on giving it as a gift, I would do so privately, and not in a big crowd. Granted, I don’t know this person, or how they would react, I just know that if my entire family watched me open a present that was a how-to for stepping away from the chips… well I’d laugh it off, and die a little inside.
I’m not sure I’d give it as a gift… it just doesn’t seem like a gift book.
If I were you, I’d keep it for myself, and the next time he mentions something about mindless eating (or anything in that vein) offer to lend it to him.
I agree with the general opinion. Unless you know it’s something the recipient definitely wants I think generally it’s a good idea to stay away from “self-improvement” gifts - diet books, deodorant, subscription to a dating website, gym membership, etc.
I have a general rule for determining the offensiveness of gifts.
If the person asking if the gift is offensive is the recipient, then the answer is no, it’s not offensive. If the person asking if the gift is offensive is the potential giver, then the answer is yes, it’s offensive.
Recipients should pretty much always give the benefit of the doubt – assume the gift was meant in good faith and that the giver was perhaps a little clueless but not malevolent. Works very well when that is the case. Works even better when they were actually malevolent and trying to get a rise out of you.
Givers, on the other hand, should, if they have any doubt about whether something meant to bring joy to another person will actually fill them with self-doubt and misery, opt for something else.
The only known exception to this general rule is those instances where someone is attempting to choose a horrid gift in a display of passive-aggressive behaviour to avenge some personal outrage. This rule can not be applied in such situations to determine whether a gift is sufficiently horrid.
Since the recipient is a male, I doubt he’ll be too offended. Besides, he chose to become fat. Still, I don’t know that I’d give it to him as a gift. Bake him a cake or something-that way he’ll actually use it.
