I’m surprised nobody has mentioned it yet:
A good A/C unit. I like it cold, and the best thing about a decent hotel room is walking into an icebox after a long day of doing whatever is keeping me away from home.
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A comfortable bed and the existence of at least one thin pillow. If with my wife, a queen-sized bed at least. A nice shower with either a non-skid surface or a rubber mat. A way to darken the room. Quiet.
And last summer we stayed in a dormitory and the bed was so high off the ground (to have storage space underneath) that we had to get a small stool for my wife to into bed. I am tall enough, but she’s about 5’2". It was a double bed, but we managed to adjust to that.
Location
Cheap
If I’m traveling on my own I stay in hostels, but I always try to get a private room.
Good drapes/curtains and no lights/LEDs on appliances. I can’t stand light in the room, especially lights from adjacent buildings or parking lots. I keep track of hotels that have very dark rooms.
I just got back from a hotel where I had to prop the ironing board against the drapes at one end and then turn the coffee table up against the window to make the drapes seal out all outside light. (I forgot to take them down when I checked out, so housekeeping was probably a bit confused.) I also had to unplug the TV, the clock radio, and the power strip at the desk. I also take electrical tape with me to cover light sources I can’t unplug.
I spend at least 6 weeks on the road every year(vacation, not business), so I stay in quite a few hotels. What I want—
Room:
[ul]
[li]Clean[/li][li]Quiet [/li][li]Room on the top floor[/li][li]View of something other than a parking lot[/li][li]Window that opens all the way (I have tools to defeat most window slider stops)[/li][li]No plumbing/water issues [/li][li]All electronic devices in working order (TV & remote/clock/phone/coffee maker, etc)[/li][li]TV channels include a program guide (in the correct time zone)[/li][li]Mini-fridge and microwave[/li][li]Decent in-room coffee[/li][/ul]
Hotel:
[ul]
[li]Room ready at “check in” time or earlier[/li][li]Upgrade available for loyalty program customer[/li][li]Location (walking distance to attractions, restaurants, public transport, etc)[/li][li]Exercise room with working machines (and TV with working remote)[/li][li]Pool big enough to swim laps in [/li][li]Fresh towels in exercise room and pool[/li][li]Stocked vending machines that don’t reject slightly crumpled bills[/li][li]Working ice machine(s)[/li][li]Late check out (1 hour or so) available[/li][li]Breakfast with biscuits and gravy (bonus: happy hour w/snacks)[/li][/ul]
Comfortable bed with lots of pillows.
A good AC unit (especially one that you can leave the fan on so it doesn’t kick off and on all night)
A shower that has decent pressure and isn’t too small.
If I’m going to be somewhere for more than a couple days, I like to get a small suite that includes a couch. It’s nice to be able to sit somewhere other than the foot of the bed.
I won’t stay in a room that smells heavily of smoke or air fresheners, has bugs, or iffy stains. Otherwise I’m not picky.
The essentials:
A clean bed with a firm mattress.
A door that locks
Near-essentials:
Quiet
Absence of wildlife
Absence of cigarette or other odor
Shower with hot water
A/C or heat, depending on weather conditions, in working order
WiFi (or wired ethernet)
Cheap
Not out of the way from my travel path
Want / prefer:
A chair and a desk
Opaque window curtains to keep out the light
Nearby or directly attached restaurant that does breakfast
Access to a printer
Speedy WiFi with no annoying blocks to ports that I want to use/ doesn’t kick me off and require reauthentication
ice bucket, refrigerator, cups or glasses, soap, hair dryer, ironing board, coffee maker, good bright lights overhead and to read by
thin top sheet, multiple blankets of various weights, pillows neither too thick nor thin, queen size or larger bed
Quiet. This usually means thick walls, floors and ceilings, sound blackout windows, and quiet air conditioning that doesn’t sound like a jet engine. All these things usually run up the room price.
Firm beds.
Clean.
Working plumbing.
The quietness issue and the fact that quiet hotels usually cost more has caused us to switch to renting small vacation homes through VRBO. I can usually find a home that’s about the same price as a nice (quiet) hotel room, and it’s way more comfortable for us. We can recoup some of the slightly higher cost by eating at home for two meals of the day.
No cameras hidden in the smoke detectors.
AC that works, TV that works, a comfy bed, and nice employees
I didn’t have all four of these things in a hotel in Dubai on a business trip. The AC broke, the TV signal went down, the bed felt like hell, and the employees were mean and nasty.
Being the cheapest available option, period, (Alternative options being stay up all night or sleep in a car if available and will not impair me too much for something imprtant)
I’m not too picky; someplace decently clean and comfortable is usually all I need. If I’m on vacation, I’ll look for someplace in a good location, or maybe with an interesting history.
The one thing I notice that hasn’t been mentioned is the height of the shower head. I’m not super tall, but I’ve been in hotel showers where the head was about the level of my chin. It doesn’t ruin the whole stay for me, I just have to bend down to rinse and shampoo my hair, but I do wonder what the design standards were when the place was built.
[ol]
[li]Insect-free[/li][li]Clean[/li][li]Safe[/li][li]Cheap[/li][li] Quiet[/li][/ol]
To the Dickens with the rest.
5’5" plumbers.
Did I mention free airport shuttle? I don’t want to pay more for the taxi than for the hotel.
No, those are Frank Lloyd Wright masterpieces. Anything taller would just throw the whole scale of the room off. Tall people like me are just going to have to learn to crane our head and live with all the leaks.
I already answered but I can give a little more detail about my strategy. When I was in college, I stayed in places like Motel 6’s and Super 8’s. Most of them were perfectly fine for what they are and I would gladly stay in one tonight if I needed to as long as it wasn’t in the hood (although, I don’t usually hang around the hood so maybe I would because some part of the plan has already gone horribly wrong if it came to that).
These days, I go for value. For instance, I got a nearly free plane ticket to Hawaii a few years ago and wanted to stay on Waikiki Beach. I am not spending $300+ dollars a night for a hotel room that I am mainly just going to sleep in. I found the Ambassador Hotel for $75 a night on special. I don’t think it has been remodeled since the original Hawaii 5-0 was popular in the 1970’s but the rooms are large, have a refrigerator, microwave and they provide free parking and an upper story pool. It also happens to be right down the street from some extremely expensive and nice beachfront resorts. Perfect! I got a room at the Ambassador and then just hung out in the expensive ones when I had free time. I don’t believe in white privilege but I do believe in preppy privilege combined with confidence. Nobody is going to stop you from using anything in an expensive hotel as long as you seem like you belong there.
Likewise, in Las Vegas, there are plenty of really shitty off-strip hotels and even a few on The Strip. There are also mid-range hotels like TI that cost less than $100 a night even with the resort fee if you get a deal and are perfectly fine on their own but also happen to be across the street from much fancier hotels-casinos like the Venetian. Guess which one I pick?
A fan in the bathroom.