What do you think about interracial adoption?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I was curious about any interracial adoption, not just black and white. Truthfully, it’s far more probable that we will have a Mexican child to call our own. Since we recently inquired about a black child, that was the handiest hypothetical to use.

Thanks for the responses. They’ve been very, very enlightening. I grew concerned last night after reading some internet sites on interracial adoption, and half of an article on Salon.com (couldn’t locate the other half). In that article, a couple who were trying to adopt went to a presentation where a black adult raised by white parents tried to discourage white people from adopting black kids. The lady had said that her adoptive parents would have been her third choice, after her biological parents and someone from her own race.

As I stated before, my biggest concern is for the child’s well-being. I think that my wife and I can provide a great home for any child, regardless of race. However, despite the fact that I wouldn’t care if the child was black, brown, white, purple, or a particularly lovely shade of chartreuse, I would be concerned that the child would somehow be damaged from being raised in an interracial home.

My wife had a high-school friend who was Korean raised by white parents, with absolutely no issues. And this is in a town with absolutely no Koreans. It really never seemed to be an issue, not for the child, or the parents, or anyone in town. We’re hoping and praying that we have the same experience. If not, we can deal with it, and hope that we can help a kid deal with it as well.

Again, thanks for the responses. It’s been very heartening.

22

Something I firmly believe - a child’s disposition is, to a certain extent, inborn. I’ve mentioned this before with my children.

My daughter has been known to be quite upset because she is the only one in the family with BLUE eyes. She’s gotten upset because she doesn’t “get to have” a Korean mom.

My son, on the other hand, has some fairly normal, but fairly minor adoption issues (he asks about his birthmom), but doesn’t seem to feel as deeply. It has never seemed to make a difference to him that he is a Korean kid in a white household.

Some kids need to be angry. If those kids are adopted by a family not of their race, it gives them an easy target for their anger. Had they grown up in their families of origin, they’d find something else to be angry about. Where do you think PETA members come from?

23

I lack any expertise or experience, Sidd, but I’d like to think the fact that you’re that concerned about the child’s welfare in the first place indicates you’ll be a good parent.

People who feel that way, assuming there are any, are stupid and should be ignored.

24

I’m wondering why it is that people of “ethnic” backgrounds think they have a corner on the “heritage” market.

I’m Hispanic but generally considered “coconut.” I grew up with American pop culture and my “own” never really interested me. My kids grew up the same way. We are pretty much just American but love Mexican food, celebrate the various ethnic holidays that come around, it almost never occurs to us that we are Hispanic. So if most White people operate in this mode, why can’t we?
None of my friends of Irish, Polish, French et al backgrounds live day to day with their “heritage” in mind.

25

Korean-American’s born and raised here tell stories of people talking to them loudly and slowly - like they can’t understand English. Interracial adoptees talk about how they “don’t fit in” (who does in high school?) because the Black kids all sit together and the Asians all sit together and the Whites all sit together and they don’t feel like they really belong - outside they are one color, inside they feel white. My Chinese coworkers have a son - born here (they are both immigrants) - who I saw get asked “where are you from?” He answered “Maple Grove” and rolled his eyes.

Some people regret traditions they felt were “stolen” from them. Imagine not having those ethic holidays to celebrate and foods to eat because your parents thought you should “act white.” They aren’t a big part of your life now, but would you feel differently if you felt you’d been purposely denied them

26

I’ll chip in my own experience as well. It’s not direct experience, but I was an interested bystander if you will.

Both of my mother’s sisters adopted children. Both adopted all of her children. In one case four children, in the other five children. None of those children were white (as my aunts are). In ethnic breakdown they are: three black daughters (they all prefer “black” to “African-American”), three Hispanic sons, one Hispanic daughter and two daughters of mixed ethnicity (one black-Korean and one black-white).

My mother and her sisters are all quite close, so my lily-white brother and I grew up with our technicolor cousins. We were aware that they all had periodic brushes with racism and bigotry (I mind one moment when a lady in a mall when I was about five attempted to take me away from my older cousin who was watching me as she thought my black cousin was “stealing” me, as red-headed baby girls shouldn’t be in the charge of black teenagers. I’ve always wondered for what purpose she thought my cousin was stealing me as my cousin was about 14 at the time :dubious: ). Both of my aunts conciously decided to introduce their children as much as possible to their biological heritage. This was child’s play for one aunt (who lived in Harlem in NYC) and slightly more difficult for another (who lived in a predominantly white suburb of Providence, RI). They all made a point of making sure their children knew of historical figures of importance of their ethnic extraction, and had interactions with people of many different cultures.

We’re all adults now (my oldest adopted cousins are in their early 40’s). I’ve spoken with all my cousins about the issue (it comes up from time to time and I’m a curious sort) and with two exceptions, they are all deeply, truly grateful that they were given loving homes. They consider my aunts (and their spouses) their parents and the rest of us lily-white folks their family. The two exceptions: one of my cousins is schizophrenic. One doesn’t discuss matters of this nature with her - it’s futile and pointless and cruel (as it’s likely she inherited her disease from one of her unknown parents). The other one would bitch if she were hung with a new rope.

Whether or not my adopted cousins have sought out their birth parents or remain connected with the culture associated with their ethnic extraction depends on the cousin. Some have and some have not - all were provided with as much information as my aunts were in possession of and allowed to make that call for themselves. (Keep in mind that the adoptions took place quite some time ago, and information was seriously lacking. In the case of two of my cousins, they were merely left on the doorstop of a monastery in Brazil as infants. No note, no names, no identifying information at all. Physically, they appear to be South American native in extraction, but they check off “Hispanic” on census forms.)

Discounting my schizophrenic cousin, all are happy, well-adjusted people going on about their lives, content in their upbringing and background. (Okay - generally happy people - ain’t nobody happy all the time.)

Just for fun, I’ll pass on the adoption anecdote o’ the year with my family.

Last summer, the children of two of my adopted cousins were playing outside one of my aunt’s houses. One of them (of black and Hispanic extraction) turned to the other (of black and Korean extraction) and asked “Miles, are you black?” Miles looked very thoughtful and then shook his head and said “No, Alex, I’m green” and went back to his ball. When asked later about his response, he informed us that as he wants to grow up to be Kermit the Frog, he must be green.

We almost died laughing.

27

Well my point wasn’t that any one should “act” anything. Smiths, or O’Dells or Moczygembas don’t act White. They’re just being American. It should be acceptable for Garcias or Ngs as well. And if their parents have an active role in that, more power to them. Korean or Mexican heritage won’t disappear as long as there is a Korea or Mexico. It’s up to racists to get a clue.

28

I know several blacks, who all generally live day to day without thinking about their race/heritage either. Some people spend a lot of time focusing on their race and racial heritage because they want to. Others do it because people around them aren’t content to let them be American, no hyphens or qualifications, just plain American. [/hijack]

29

Similiar story. A relative’s child was playing in the sand box and dusted herself with white sand. Her mother asked why she did it and she said, “I want to be white.” and runs of chasing the rest of the kids. Well the family goes on ‘alert’ and starts looking for the confused about race books.

Well it turns out the kids had just seen Scooby Doo and the Yeti, and you guessed it, she was playing the Yeti.

Point being, all this racial baggage is something that we burden our kids with, once WE let it go; so will they.

One more thing, if Ms. Holmes had to chose between her biological parents and a rabid raccoon, we would all be getting rabies shots. Being adopted by parents of a difference race, is no more a recipe for disaster, than being adopted by people of the same race or growing up with one’s own biological parents.

30

I think people mean, that bio first, same race second is best, when all other things are equal. No one is saying that it would be in everyone’s best interest to keep children in the homes of poor* biological parents when a better couple of any race is ready and willing to adopt them.

*poor as in bad, not as in not rich.

31

I’ve heard these same exact feelings espoused by my S/O - a Chinese-American. As well as enumerating those same 5 reasons for being unenthusiastic about inter-racial adoption, also included was: There’s a daily visual reminder to the child that he/she’s adopted.

I think it’s fine, and am convinced as more and more inter-racial couples start having children, those issues raised by the ‘I prefer mono-race adoptions’ crowd will continue to dissipate.

32

I couldn’t even finish reading your post, let alone the rest of the thread before I began to be truly pissed off.

Bottom line: Is your friend adopting any of these available black kids, that can only be properly raised by a member of the black race? If they’re available for adoption and he, or any other black person, hasn’t made a move to adopt them, then that leaves it for anyone with the wherewithal and resources (and that includes the love) to adopt them.

Yeah, and I guess that does demonstrate that, in this case, “white people had to take care of a child that black people would or could not.” So what. They’ll still end up adopted and cared for and better off than where they are.

And as far as being taught about racism, the structure of the lesson would not be the same, but I can think of no better way for them to learn something more positive than what is demonstrated by the fact that a white couple, in this society, choose them to love, nurture and spend $100,000+ on a college education.

Oh, and I’m Black. :mad:

33

Yes, but ALL things are never equal and I think that we have this idealized idea, that if only X was able to be with X, they would be okay. That black people have this inbreed understanding of one another, that other people lack. Well that assumes that ALL black people have the same experience, and that’s not possible.

** Siddhartha Vicious ** post mentioned a Lady who’s decided that she would have been better served if either her biological parents or some other black parents had taken her in, as opposed to the white parents that did. Why? What does she feel she’s lacking?

34

I think it’s great that you are considering adoption, but I feel the need to explain the objections many black people have with black children being adopted by non-black families. I’m not saying any of these apply to you, but I think you should realize people have these perceptions.

First, it is the impression of many people that those who’ve adopted a black child have done so as a last resort. That they would have rather had a young white child, but couldn’t for one reason or another. The reality is that most families go in to the situation desiring a certain type of child, rarely is that child black. Just the fact that that perception is popular will influence the way people interact with your child, and make it something you need to address.

Second, most people don’t truly see how corrosive racism can be. If you adopt a child of a different race, especially if he/she is black, you have to be willing to make the relationship the most important in your life. If one of your family member is a racist, you have to be willing to say, “fuck you, this is my kid and I don’t give a shit what you think.” Many people aren’t willing to do that. They make excuses for the person’s bigoted views and continue to allow their destructive presence to be felt. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people give others a pass for being racist because they “grew up in a different time”, or “was raised that way.” While I can understand the reasoning, I think you have to be willing to cut those people out of your life if they have a problem with you having a child of a different race. To me, it’s unfair to a child to have divided loyalties on an issue like that.

Third, I think the objections people have on cultural issues are more about whites and blacks viewing the world differently. I’ve found most white people rarely think of race, whereas others are acutely aware of it. Although people always try to say its about recognizing cultural heritage and black icons, it is not. The average black doesn’t know much more about MLK, the black panthers, the Harlem Renaissance, or the Kush than the the average white kid. What the black kid does know more about is the place blacks have in society.

I think adopting a black child is perfectly fine as long as you know what you are getting yourself into. It’s going to require more honesty and dedication on your part. You will need to explain why he’s different and why he may be treated differently before he realizes this for himself. I think the hardest things to reconcile are those which you think you know, but are wrong about. An adopted black kid who is sheltered from the harsh realities of life will not react well to finding out his worldview and his view of how others view him is distorted. It should be your main job, as it is with all kids, to prepare him for the world he will encounter (the good, and most importantly, the bad). Although it may be more difficult for you, I think it could be the best decision you ever make. Either way, good luck with whatever you decision you make.

35

You may wish to read The Family Nobody Wanted, by Helen Doss. Back in the 1940s and 1950s, she and her husband adopted a dozen children, mostly of mixed races, that “nobody wanted” (for example, if a child was part Mexican and part Japanese, Japanese parents didn’t want him because he looked too Mexican, and vice versa). At the time the system was to place children with parents that looked as much like them as possible, leaving many children to languish in orphanages and such.

There are some interesting anecdotes about how they helped the children deal with racism and such.

36

Hmm.

There is something to be said for teaching your children to deal with racism. I would add, however, that this can be done by parents of any race. ISTM that you teach your children to deal with racism by giving them a strong enough sense of self that they assume that the racists are the oddballs and wierdos - not the child.

And I don’t see cultural heritage as genetic. My son is on the track team. Is that part of his heritage? Sure it is - his great uncle and his cousin are both track men. He is learning German. Is that part of his heritage? Sure - I spoke German with my grandmother as a child. He eats bulgogi. Is that part of his heritage? Well, he likes it, and so do the rest of the family. So sure, that’s part of his heritage too.

As for whether other people would find it offensive, I can’t seem to work up any interest in that. My family is none of their business. And if someone takes offense at who is in my family, they are welcome to keep their opinions to themselves. You want to tell me how wonderful my kids are? I can take as much of that as you have time for. You want to rag on me as if I insulted you by having a family? That, I walk away from.

I have the advantage of living in the same area as Dangerosa (hi!), where Korean-born adoptees are a dime a dozen. So YMMV.

Regards,
Shodan

PS - Maybe I am wasting bandwidth, but I’ll say it anyway. Cartooniverse has his hot button (hi, dude!) and I have mine. Mine is “how unselfish you are to have adopted”. No, I’m not. People who say that are just showing that they don’t know my kids at all.

Anyone would be lucky to have kids like this. My daughter got straight A’s. My son is on the track team and has his first job. Both are thoroughly charming and wonderful in every possible way.

But none of the ways that they are wonderful have anything to do with their being born in Korea. They would be wonderful if they were Serbo-Croatian or Eskimo. And trying to compartmentalize their wonderfulness because they are Asian misses the point of why they are wonderful. They just are, because they chose to be wonderful.

OK, I’ll stop now.

  • S
37

Another good book is Are Those Kids Yours. A useful read before you embark on this journey.

38

Heh. I’m the last person who’d argue that blacks all have the same experience, or that blacks have this inbred understanding, or bond with one-another. I am black, and I’ve written several posts on this board concerning my confusion over people who believe such a thing. But, some people (like the lady in the story?) do feel differently, for some reason. I think the best thing about same race adoption is the ability to blend in. It gives children the option of keeping the story of how their family came to be personal, if they choose to. The child in a same race adoption doesn’t have to constantly field questions and comments from the curious and the cruel. Of course, it’s probably not that big of a deal in areas where transracial adoption is common though. As to all things being equal, I think that things can be generally equal, and that biology does count for something (a **huge ** something) when matching kids to prospective parents.

Beats me. She might have had similar issues with black parents, or no issues if she’d been placed in a different white couple or different area. Who (including her) can really know for sure.

39

First of all, Yo Shodan !! :slight_smile: Thanks for hitting the OTHER hotbutton…-wry smile-. I STILL get that one. " Oh, how beautiful, how selfless and generous of you". Uh, guess what? Being a parent is ( on one level ) one of the most selfish things humans can want to do. Think about it. " I want my kid to be smart, I want my kid to be healthy, I want my kid to be generous, I want my kid to be pious, I want my kid to be loving, I want my kid to be everything I wanted to be but didn’ get to be"…and so on. I want, I want and I want. Selfless? Generous? Heh. I wanted kids because man, I adore children and have always wanted some. Why? Go ask my therapist. :smiley:

==shifting gears hard==

Folks, read this again. Facing any inner bits of racism is a part of taking another race into your family, your heart, your self. You ( the collective you, I am in no way singling out brickbacon ! ) have to do some hard work. Why have a child? Is it to duplicate yourself? Keep the family line going? Then adoption ain’ t gonna work for you. Why look beyond your own racial make-up? The phrase " glad-handing white folk" comes to mind. That’s harsh but true. You cannot enter into as primal and serious a committment as raising a child without examining what is really happening inside of yourself. Forget your S.O., this is inner work you have to do.

Cause, if you aren’t kosher with your core feelings regarding the race of the child you are going to adopt, you can be the richest, nicest, funnest, funniest, kindest parent in the world and you will never bond completely with your child.

Speaking very personally, it wasn’t a mind-trick I had to play. I have racial issues and conflicts like 99.99% of us do, admit it or not, and I needed to think about what I believed, and who I would see when I looked at my kids. It was not any bit of work at all.

When my son had eye surgery at 5 to fix a problem with both eyes, the facial surgeon asked if we wanted to take the opportunity to round out his eyes. We both freaked out and were rather… demonstrative in our clear insistence that- to the best that he could surgically- he leave my son’s looks intact.

He’s my son. He’s also 100% Korean. But, he’s my son.

:slight_smile:

40

I know that there’s some sentiment out there that interracial adoptions are becoming “trendy”.

I was discussing this topic with a coworker a couple of years ago. She told me she would actively seek a “minority” child for adoption. Especially an Asian one, because they are so cute. I admit, it made my stomach hurt. Children aren’t puppies, and there are plenty of cute children right here in the good ole USA. She also said she wanted a minority child to make a statement to her racist family. So not only does she want to seek out a specific “breed” of children, but she wants to use her child as a political statement. Gross-a-roo.

That said, I think interracial adoptions are no big deal. My white boss has an adopted black son, and I think it’s a great thing.