My wife and I are trying to adopt. As evidenced by another one of my threads, we’re still trying to have a kid the old-fashioned way. We’ve still been planning on adopting for quite some time.
We’ve been through the home study, and are waiting for our case worker to talk to other case workers, and hopefully find us a child.
We’ve been visiting adoption websites, and sending in inquiries on children that we’re interested in. Many of them are black, while we are lily-white.
We would love any child, and would happily adopt a black child. I’ve discussed the possibility of a interracial adoption with a black friend of mine, and he was less than enthusiastic. He thought that it would be better for a black child to be raised in a black home, that white parents couldn’t teach a black child about how to deal with racism, or about having pride in his heritage. He also confided in me that it would be seen as a slap in the face to a lot of black people, somehow demonstrating that white people had to take care of a child that black people would or could not.
While we certainly aren’t concerned about what other people would think (ie. bigots), we are very concerned about the child, and anything that could have a detrimental affect on a child in a interracial adoption.
Any thoughts? Any experiences? We’d really appreciate any responses.
Some good family friends of mine, white and Jewish, adopted a black baby after having a baby of their own a few years before. It worked out very well. He was indeed a victim of racism sometimes (the police stopped him for driving too nice a car in too nice a neighborhood) but it was never a major problem. He’s now a successful lawyer, and there’s a lot of love in the family.
I personally know two persons of East Asian extraction (who spent the very early parts of their lives in Asia) who were adopted by white couples. From talking to them, I’ve gathered that they have some degree of angst about the whole adoption thing (not that that’s uncommon), but they say they’re really, really grateful about being out of a bad situation in their homeland–had to be airlifted out as babies, etc. They have got some feeling of being different, but that seems much more to be focused on the fact of adoption rather than the fact of their adoptive parents being of a different race.
You might indeed get rude comments from strangers–“What a sweet child! Are you the babysitter?” is a popular one, I’m told–but the heck with them. A child that is up for adoption is almost certainly not in the best possible circumstances, and it’s surely better to give it a loving home and caring parents, regardless of race, than to have it languishing in an orphanage somewhere. Yes, people can be bigoted/ignorant/what-have-you, but if you’re open to thoughtful discussion about your child’s feelings and if the child has the love of your family to fall back on, I really think it will all come out right in the end.
As a total aside, is the area you live in very ethnically diverse? When I was growing up, there was only one black family in town; I was close friends with the daughter, and she felt very alienated to have absolutely no black friends. I’m thinking it would be a really good idea to avoid a situation like this if at all possible.
I see no problem with it at all, but then I have an inter-racial marriage, so an all-one-thing kid would stick out in our family. People are people, and I heartily wish there would be a whole lot more mixing till the labels could be forgotten.
I know that is very unlikely to happen - my western friend, married to a Japanese, with kids who favour Daddy, was asked where she had adopted her daughter and how much she had paid for her!
My white housemate at college was very close to his family and loved to boast about his younger brother and sister’s exploits, who were asian and black. He said that they had had their share of assholish comments at school but they had grown stronger and closer, and he didn’t feel that there was a huge amount of lasting damage for them.
I am sure that by adopting a kid of a different race to yourselves you will be opening yourselves and them to some abuse somewhere down the line. But I don’t think it should stop you - by the very nature of the kid being available for adoption, the child hasn’t had the best start, and if you can give ANY child the most love and care that you can muster, then you will be blessing him or her, and providing them with something that they don’t have right now.
Good luck with whatever happens on your baby-making trail!
Since this thread is about adoption, might I take a moment to educate those less well acquainted with it? It is fairly painful for an adoptive parent or adopted child to read the quote above. One does not adopt a baby after having one of their own. That means that the adopted baby is not theirs.
One adopts a child after having a biological child ( called a bio child in adoption circles ). To refer to a child in the manner shown above slights the adopted child severely, and places the adoptive parents in the role of having one " of their own " and deciding to have this other kid live in their house, but not regard it as their own. Adoptive parents bond with their children just as bio parents do. ( And, in point of fact, it takes some bio parents a significant amount of time to bond with their newborns. Post-partum depression is only one factor that can contribute to this. )
Trust me. I have two adopted South Korean-born kids. They are my own in every single manner and way, except for the genetics. It stung to read the quote above. I have no doubt, having read countless posts by LaurAnge, that she didn’t write it maliciously at all but out of simple ignorance of the subtleties. Hey, fighting ignorance is what we’re about here.
I felt it important to share the post above, but didn’t want it to get in the way of my real answer.
There are precious few Asians in the lily-white town I live in. Both kids have had to face some racist comments and whatnot, and both have learned to deal. I can only teach them so much of how to deal with it, since I’m white and have not faced the same kind of racism in my life. When The Fem-Bot ( now 13 ) was in the 4th grade, a white boy walked up to her and pulled his eyes into slants by tugging on the outside edges of his eyes with his fingers. Apparently he thought this amusing. Without missing a beat, my daughter took her fingertips and pushed the outside edges of her eyes inwards, “rounding” her eyes. ( no idea how she came up with this, it’s not something we showed her to do as a way of answering back. She came up with that one on her own.) She said the boy was very very upset and ran off, and never talked to her after that. Love that girl.
I cannot speak to the white folks adopting black babies issue since I didn’t do that. I can speak to adopting interracially. First of all, grow a thick skin and realize you will learn things about your own family. When my son arrived at age 6 months, we took him to see family. We went to see my grandmother, whose first comment was, " Huh. Well, at least he’s not too dark". I was furious and mortified, humiliated and left hating her. Here’s an old Jewish woman who was lucky to get away from the Nazis and she spouts that kind of racism?? I guess some people learn no lessons from their own lives. It was awful.
99% of my family embraced and adored them on sight, and still do. I am fortunate in that regard. The usual list of questions people would ask of me used to really piss me off but I have mellowed a wee tad with age, and besides- nobody would have the chutzpah to walk up to me with a 13 year old daughter ( or 15 year old son) by my side and say, " Oooooooh, where’d you get her? " I used to answer that question honestly- " The airport".
Some other ill-considered queries that come to adoptive parents of kids of other races:
Are they brother and sister? ( " Yeah, they are now ! " )
Are they from the same place? ( No. )
Do they know they’re adopted? ( This one always cracked me up. Obviously babies and toddlers have no awareness on that level. We made baby story books for each of them that told the story of their adoptions but even if we had not- THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE MOMMY AND DADDY. :rolleyes: )
Do you have any kids of your own? ( See my post above. This one always hurt badly to hear. " Yes, you’re lookin’ at em. They’re all mine. Slobbery kisses, giggly faces, poopy diapers, temper tantrums, fun bathtimes, snuggly moments, teary wailing events. All mine." )
Oh, you guys didn’t want any of your own? ( Note the different wording. I have actually been asked this by strangers more than once. I have to walk away. The sheer level of rudeness and insensitivity tells me that no amount of intelligent explanation will alter that person’s world-view. Fuck em. )
How interesting that I am posting this today. In yesterday’s mail came a letter from a very old, very big adoption agency here in NYC. A dear friend of mine of the last 25 years and her hubby are in the process of trying to adopt a child from China. I have been asked to write a letter on their behalf. -grin- Thank god I have a thought or two about adoption.
Adoption of any child ( race should never be an issue, unless it is the Boston Marathon…that’s just insane! ) by a loving caring couple (hetero or Gay) is highly recommended and encouraged by Shirley Ujest.
Racism happens no matter what color the parents are. It is deeply ingrained ignorance. It is how the parents and other influential members of their lives teach them to respond to it and carry themselves that make the difference.
Your friend who says only black kids should be raised with blacks can be a person that if you do adopt a child of this race, one who can help with the entire Pride in your Race Moments. Keeping the colors all together like that is just a breeding ground of distrust, resentment and suspicion says the white lady who lives in WonderBreadville…
Think of it this way, underneath our skin we all bleed the same color and all want for the same things: love, compassion, companionship, good health, well stocked IRA and free cable/internet. It is our skin colors that make us all look like a box of crayons.
{intangent alert}
In these enlightened times ( socially, morally, technologically) why in the heck do so many people get their panties in a wad about Race? Are we not more advanced that that or are we as a people shallow as a puddle of pee? Can we not see deeper than the pigment of skin color to get to know the person?
Why? Why? Why?
I return you to your regularly scheduled and coherent Adopt a Baby thread.
I have a South Korean son as well. And I have a bio daughter.
It is important for white people who adopt interracially to realize that race IS an issue. Your kids will go through something you can only understand by proxy. You have to try and give them insight into a world you are forever an outsider in. Personally, I think there is race heirarchy. I think Asians are easier for white folk like me to raise than Latinos (but we live in Mpls/St. Paul, Minnesota, epicenter of Korean adoption where EVERYONE knows someone with Korean kids), Latinos easier to raise than African American (and specifically American) kids. (I suspect Latino kids are either much easier or much harder in Texas and California) Its the level of racism they are likely to encounter and the amount they are excluded from “white” culture by their race and included in their “racial” culture simply by how they look.
It is ideal for children to be raised by their birth parents. Where that is not possible, it is best for them to be raised in their own culture by people of their own race (yes, it does make a difference because it makes a difference for so many people). But its better that kids are raised by honkies than left in a foster care system because their aren’t enough African American waiting parents. And that is the reality.
If your friend is concerned, let him know your concerns. Admit that he has some good points, but a child with a home is better than a child without a home, and ask for his support. A black role model will be a wonderful thing to have.
Cartooniverse, I tried rereading LaurAnge’s and your post several times, and I am not getting it.
Nothing that LaurAnge said would seem to indicate how her friends view their adopted child. It might be that they consider all their kids, adopted and not, as ‘their’ children. It might be that they make a mental distinction between adopted and biological.
It seemed to be nothing more than establishing the background of her friend’s adoption experience.
All LaurAnge seemed to be saying was “I haven’t adopted, but my friends, who already had kids, decided to adopt”. I don’t see why what she said was wrong in the context of an adoption discussion.
My Brother and Sister in law have adopted two wonderful non-white children. The girl is from Korean parents while the boy is from African Canadian parents. They are both valued and loved members of the family. In the eleven years since they first adopted my niece they have encountered little racism.
The interesting part of this is because they live in a small-ish community the adoption process was a little more hands on for the biological parents than ususal. (At least to my experience) In both cases the biological parents were given the opportunity to choose who would adopt their child, so that they were able to know with some relief the type of home their child would be brought up in.
In both cases they choose my Borther and Sister in law knowing that their child would be loved, not just by them, but by a very large extended family.
And loved they are. The most amazing thing was my Mother, who was brought up in a different time and different place, accepted these children without out a single solitary word about race. (My mother is not a mean person, again she was brought up in a different place in a different time, and we were slightly concerned because, well, for no real apparent reason now that we look back on it. We all just thought she would have a problem with a non-white grand child and we mis-judged her. She is a loving Grand Mother and has never once brought up the topic of the childrens race.)
As for the teaching of the Children’s heritage, that is a tricky one. With each child we are talking about two different cultural backgrounds to address, the first being the culture and heratige of the parents and the second the culture and heratige of their race. My neice and Nephew have been taught about their adoptive heratige, even taking a trip to Ireland, but their racial heritage is a little trickier. He wants to do right by them, to teach them about their unique place in the world, but he is not too sure how to do that properly. Fortunately the children are still young and he had a bit of time to figure it out. I know my Brother, he will teach them well.
It wasn’t that it was wrong, it was just insensitively worded. The problem phrase is “of their own”, which a sensitive adoptive parent or child could code that as “in contrast to the adoptee, who isn’t their child on the same level”
“Some good family friends of mine, white and Jewish, adopted a black baby after having a baby of their own a few years before.” Could be more delicately parsed: “Some good family friends of mine, white and Jewish, adopted a black baby after ** giving birth to a biological **baby a few years before.” or even just, “Some good family friends of mine, white and Jewish, adopted a black baby after having a baby a few years before.”
As far as the OP goes, I’d say go for it. Your friend seems to be under the impression that there are more willing black adoptive parents than black children to adopt, and that your “taking” a black child will deprive him of a black adoptive family. Sadly, this is not the case. What’s more likely is that the black child will end up in foster care, shunted from family to family of many races.
I agree with Dangerosa: Yes, it would probably be best if children could be raised with folks that can identify with their issues (and race is an issue). But if that’s not possible or likely, better a stable, loving home with you than an uncertain existence in foster care.
I would add my 2 cents and suggest a black pediatrician, though. She can help you with mundane things like how to comb African hair and how to take care of (often dry) African skin, as well as medical issues which you may not be so aware of that are more common to blacks, like lactose intolerance or sickle cell anemia.
How sad. Would he prefer the child to not be adopted at all, which may be the case? As long as you love the kid then I think you can make a go of it. People will talk. They always do.
Not only do I strongly disagree with your friend, but his line of reasoning pisses me off.
Children need a loving home. I don’t have stats to back up this up, but I assume, in terms of sheer numbers and in the US, there are fewer black families adopting children than there are white families. Should these children then not be adopted by white families who want to open their homes to them?
I think I know what he means by pride in the adopted child’s heritage. If my mother had not supplemented our (my brother’s and my) education with biographies and autobiographies about blacks other than Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks while we were in elementary school, we wouldn’t have learned about many of them until high school and college. I do think this is something an adoptive family should bear in mind when adopting a black child. That is not to say I think learning about these historical figures should be limited to black children, in fact, I feel quite the opposite. I do think, however, it is vitally important for black children, especially when there are no positive black role models around–which could be quite possible, depending on where the adoptive family lives–to learn that black people had important roles in shaping this country, too.
With regards to the slap in the face remark, who gives a hoot? Any smart person, black or otherwise, should see that you’ve generously adopted a child who might not have been given the opportunity to be with a family. If they’re offended by that, screw them. They are overly sensitive and blinded by their prejudices. They should be given no more consideration than an annoying gnat.
I have to admit, that comment by **LaurAnge ** stung me a little, too, being adopted. My own mother didn’t want me, but somehow I’m not my adopted mother’s?
But I also know **LaurAnge ** didn’t mean it to sound that way at all. It just came out that way.
Yes, a black peditrician will help. Our son’s first doctor was Asian, and we learned a lot.
archmicheal, both my children - my adopted son and my bio daughter - are my own children. They belong to me and Brainiac4. I haven’t borrowed my son, he is mine. It is a permanent relationship we have committed to - as much (and in an odd way more - she was Baby Surprise, you don’t wake up one morning to discover an approved homestudy) as we did when our daughter was born. To say she is our own implies that he isn’t.
I know “your own” is supposed to be shorthand for “your own genetic child.” But without the additional descriptors, it sounds like my son is on loan.
I can’t speak to an African-American child in a white family, but I can certainly speak about an Asian-American child in a white family.
I’d say the most important thing is to not deny a child’s ethnicity. Black children will be subjected to racism. On the other hand, kids are also subject to being made fun of because they’re handicapped, fat, have a speech impediment or any other reason someone can possibly come up with. Surely your friend isn’t advocating that a child with a stutter should only be adopted by stutters.
My advice would be to put the child in situations where he/she will have plenty of contact with other African-American kids. Of course, if your friend is that concerned, I’m sure he will want to take an active role in mentoring the child.
In today’s society race is important, and it would be best if adopted children could “blend” as much as possible with their new families, just for their own well-being. IMO, being adopted is difficult enough for some without throwing race into it. Of course, not everything can be 100% ideal, and I know families in this situation who are thriving. And all children deserve homes, stability and love. If you’re willing and able to provide that, then great. If you do decide to adopt a black child, as long as you form a support network that includes blacks, and are sensitive to your child’s needs, everything should be fine. The support network can help with everything from hair-care to dealing with racisim.
Terms and phrases like “natural child/parents” and “a child of their own” or “real family” bother me. I think it’s best not to use them. Not that anyone here used all the things in that list, though.
I definitely didn’t mean to offend anyone, or imply that their son is any less ‘theirs’ than their daughter. I just thought it was important to mention as, if I recall correctly, the OP has a biological daughter who is 4.
What WhyNot said. And please believe me, I didn’t mean to flame our dear LaurAnge one bit. I felt it important to point out that sometimes, it’s more than just a matter of semantics. ( Which, to someone not intimately involved, it may appear ).
I know well that she didn’t mean it in a negative or unkind manner- as I said in that first post, I wanted to mention it because this is how we learn to be more aware of certain situations, not in any way to attack her. Honest.
How sad. Would he prefer the child to not be adopted at all, which may be the case? As long as you love the kid then I think you can make a go of it. People will talk. They always do.