What driverless cars should we produce

I’ve been reading about SARTRE, the new high-tech project in the European Union wherein a lead vehicle is driven by a human being and a “train” of computer-controlled cars follows close behind, with the movements of the following cars exactly imitating the movements of the leading car. Some might suggest that this is remarkably well-named, seeing how pin-headed followers of the French philosopher readily believed the stuff he said. I, however, am more interested in figuring what other high-tech systems could be developed.

HEGEL. Rather than calculating just one route to the chosen destination, HEGEL calculates both a thetical route and an anti-thetical route and attempts to follow both of them. Halfway through the trip, HEGEL merges the two routes into a synthesis.

BERKELEY. BERKELEY refuses to accept the existence of any roads that aren’t being perceived by its cameras and sensors. Consequently, it won’t go to any destination more than about a block away.

MARX. All the history of automobiles is a history of class struggles. Rather than thoughtlessly performing the labor of driving people from place to place, MARX urges its fellow compact cars to rise up against the bourgeois S-Class sedans.

HUME. HUME is skeptical of the sense data coming from its cameras. Hence, just because it can see a semi blocking the road ahead doesn’t mean that HUME won’t accelerate straight into it.

PLATO. These cars can’t actually see the other cars on the road—only their shadows. But by understanding the perfect Form of a car, they drive wisely.

ARISTOTLE. These cars use all their sensors to carefully inspect the world around them as they are driving–but they come to the wrong conclusion.

NIETZSCHE. These are powerful cars that plan to take over the world.

DESCARTES. These cars have powerful software that thinks carefully. They not only decide what route to take, but whether the other cars on the road actually exist.

KIERKEGAARD. When these cars begin a journey they are not sure of their destination, until they make a leap of faith while on the road.

AYN RAND. These cars think they are powerful and autonomous, but only when they are transporting college freshmen.

RAND. Rand is adamant that man should make his way through life of his own will and by the sweat of his own brow. As such RAND will refuse to carry any passengers - those free-loading moochers.

The Heisenberg, an economy model, would have a limited dashboard; it could display either the speedometer or the GPS.

The Schrödinger, the car is in the garage and the battery might or might not be dead.

Newton (Leibniz in some markets). The car that get’s infinitely close but never completes any journey between A and B.

The Zeno - looks a lot like the Newton, but from a different manufacturer. Never reaches its destination because it only ever travels half the distance to the end point.

EINSTEIN: When you drive to the store in EINSTEIN to get milk and bread, you return younger than your twin brother who stayed behind.

MALTHUS: Everyone will want one, then when everyone gets one the roads will be too crowded to drive on and all the cars will crash.

The KIM car will randomly kill you just to teach you a lesson, once in a while.