What drives a deadbeat dad to forget his kids?

In My Humble Opinion
21

My grandfather is the case that baffles me the most:

He and my grandmother were married 19 years when they split sometime in the second half of 1967 or early 1968. They split only when she found out that he was having an affair. Earlier that same year, I have a picture of them from my aunt’s senior prom. He and my grandmother were randomly selected to be chaperons. In the photo my grandfather has his arm tight around my grandmother and she’s smiling broadly. You wouldn’t think there was anything wrong, and his body language doesn’t suggest a man who wants nothing to do with the woman next to him.

The details of what happened next, and in the next couple of years are hazy, likely because it’s been blocked out. I only know the story of how his affair was discovered, how my grandmother confronted him, and what happened a few years later.

My mother so blocked out this time period that in her mind, she was much younger than she actually was when it happened. They split up when she was 13. She always claimed it happened when she was 9 or 10. When I showed her the picture of my grandparents arm in arm in May or June 1967, she was shocked. She had no memory of my grandfather ever having his arms around my grandma. She was shocked that they were still together at that late date. She totally blocked out the period. There is a home movie from September 1967 with her and my grandfather and others and she had no recollection of being there. That period to her is so blocked out that in her head.

She only recalls that part of her chores was cashing the weekly check from her father that would come in the mail after he left.

So, I have no idea how it went from him being a loving husband and father to my mother claiming she didn’t see him again until my aunt’s wedding in 1972.

This is borne out by the fact that by 1972 my grandmother had moved on with the guy she’d spent the next 20 odd years with. And also, I have my mother’s school transcripts. In 1968, my grandfather is listed as one of her parents. In 1969, only my grandmother is listed.

My grandfather suffered a stroke in April 1973. While not debilitating, he needed to retire because of it. My aunt, whose wedding he attended the year previous, took him home with her, and then they moved back to my grandmother’s house together in late 1973, at my grandmother’s suggestion - that way they could look after him.

He moved into what was once a storage room in the house. My grandmother lived on the first floor and her boyfriend would sometimes come over and spend the night (he lived up the block). When my uncle made confirmation in March 1974, he chose her boyfriend to be his sponsor.

My mother has quite a few memories of her father after he moved back home. She remembers a morose, depressed man who was convinced he would die there (and he did of a second stroke). She would visit upstairs and speak with him. He was bullied by my aunt verbally. She has quite a few anecdotes of him from this period. She relays that my grandmother was nicer to him than he was to her. She doesn’t recall ANYTHING about any holidays or things done together as a family in this murky 70s period.

My grandmother only would relay how she never got an apology, and how one time she cashed his check for him. Which seems odd for a (separated) wife to do.

My aunt recalls he would watch her son every day. My uncle, who was then around 9 or 10, recalls he would go upstairs and watch OTB and wrestling with him, but outside of him asking casual questions ala “How was school?” they didn’t connect much.

Yet, in all the photos of that period where he lived back home - 1973 until his death in 1975 - he’s nowhere to be found. Not at a single family event. Nothing. Only one photo with my sister.

It must’ve been such a very awkward, weird, strange period. A father who had abandoned his daughters when they were teenagers was now back home with them, but it wasn’t really a family. Their mother shacking up once in a while with a guy who wasn’t their stepfather. My grandfather living in a storage room in the house he bought. Probably was awkward for him too.

The late 1960s-mid 70s in my family’s history are such a bizarre, sad, murky time that doesn’t seem to be remembered much.

22

I imagine the reason is that kids are a pain in the ass and a lot of work. I love my kids, but it can be frustrating to not get 5 minutes to myself until they go to bed (which they never do!).

So it’s not beyond my imagination to imagine a particularly selfish divorced dad to not bother dealing with his kids at all. Particularly if he’d rather spend his time as many divorced dads do - acting like he’s 22 again.

23

It’s frequently very difficult to keep up a long-distance relationship, when you’re not part of the household and are in general trying to move on in life.

People are acting as if being an involved father while not a part of the household is the natural thing, but I don’t know that it is.

Especially because in many cases of breakups, the custodial parent is not interested in making it easy to maintain that relationship, even if they’re not actively looking to undermine it. And the kids themselves too are sometimes less than interested as well.

From what I’ve seen, anyway.

24

The Strange. It corrupts the thought process.

25

I spent a stint as a single father until I met my now-wife, but there isn’t much mystery to why my son’s biological mother left. Kids are work and she didn’t want the responsibility or effort. She didn’t want the effort of raising the child and she didn’t want the responsibility of a shared household where she had to seriously contribute. So she decided that she’d move back with her parents and I sued for custody knowing that otherwise his grandparents would be raising him anyway (which they weren’t equipped for, anything else aside). She took visitation for the first summer or two then dropped off and now she maybe posts a “Happy birthday” on Facebook once a year with a promise to buy a gift (which never happens). She’s married to some other guy who lets her sit at home all day, the few times I’ve seen their house it’s a wreck, and thankfully she doesn’t want any other kids.

26

My dad split early and didn’t maintain ties with us. I have often wondered what the rest of his life was like. I guess the internet now makes it possible to find out, but I can’t be arsed to put in the effort.

27

IME, there are two reasons: Out of sight, out of mind and acrimony towards the other parent.
I’d say out of my 260 non-paying child support cases, about 1/3 are still active in their children’s lives. Of the remaining 2/3, it’s split 50/50 between oos/oom and acrimony. I hear stories every day of why the absent parent is no longer involved - “I have a new family that needs me”, “She cheated on me”, “She won’t let me do whatever I want, so I don’t want to deal with her”, “She wanted the kid, I didn’t”, “His family hates me” - the list goes on and on. The main thing that comes through is selfishness. Having a child, but not having a family, means working together with the other party, and that’s too much work or too difficult.

If I had a dollar for every absent parent that has contacted me when the child is close to 18 and wants to know how to get in contact with the child, I’d be fairly wealthy. They don’t understand that you don’t get to waltz in when the child has become an adult and everything is now suddenly kosher. It’s pretty sad.

In my own life, it was oos/oom for my daughter and her dad. Once we split up, he entered a second childhood where being a dad infringed on his partying. He just couldn’t take her for a weekend, because he had plans. It was only when he had a girlfriend who was interested in our daughter did he make an effort. When our daughter was 16ish, she and her dad had a huge falling out - he stupidly demanded her respect despite the bad choices he made that directly impacted her. They have not spoken since. He has three other children with three other women and he only has contact with one of the kids. Mom #2 was an oos/oom, Mom #3 forgives whatever he does so he pops in and plays dad whenever he feels like it, Mom #4 is pure acrimony. She and our ex had a major love/hate relationship and the child is being punished for it.

28

Thank you MissTake for adding some expertise right from the source.

I thought that earlier in this thread there was somebody referencing an article showing that a sizeable number of people not paying child support (which is different from being physically absent) are simply financially unable to. E.g. barely seasonally employed and owing 6 figures. But I cannot now find that post. I must be misremembering the context.

Anyhow, with that confused background, among your 260 non-payers how many are genuinely in the situation where their own choice is simple: Send the money to Mom & kid but be homeless themselves, or live minimally and let Mom & the kid fend for themselves?

Certainly many non-payers won’t, not can’t. I’m wondering how many can’ts there really are.

29

Of the 260 non-paying cases, I’d say 2/3 COULD pay, 1/3 should’ve never been ordered to pay. No two cases are alike.

I have quite a few clients who live in poverty, did not graduate high school, do shady things to obtain funds. I have clients who are self-employed, some who cannot hold a job to save their lives, and some who are underground. Many have chemical dependency and/or mental health issues. I also have quite a few “upright” citizens who have never recovered from the financial crisis.

For example (info slightly amended) the last few cases I reviewed: One guy makes $200K+ per year. He was caught cheating on his wife, she kicked him out. He won’t pay because “she’s a bitch”. Next case, the payor is young, in a gang, in and out of jail, never graduated high school. He has a $50/mo order because the custodial parent is on public assistance and the court issued a default order when he didn’t appear at the paternity hearing. He refuses to work at McDonald’s or WalMart, it’s beneath him. He pays sporadically, whenever he is close to losing his license or when I guilt him. Next case, mom is ordered to pay support, but she’s deep in the throes of addiction, on assistance herself. Probably should have never been ordered to pay, because she’s been on the fringe of society ever since she and the dad split up. I keep telling her to file a motion, but she’s not in a headspace to do so.

You see all sides of humanity in this job. The first guy drives me nuts, because it’s “all her fault”. He has not spent any time with his children since he left the household and absolutely refuses to pay. The second guy, I think he is finally understanding you can’t gangbang for the rest of your life. He is very involved with all of his children, and gets that his frequent incarcerations doesn’t foster trust between parent and child. We discussed him entering a training program and maybe leaving the cities to start anew. Of course, we’ve had this discussion a handful of times already, but I ever live in hope. I truly believe he wants to do better for himself, he just has no idea where to start. The mom case, I put aside. I’m not going to do anything to “punish” her for not paying. She rarely sees her children, and when she does, she immediately spirals down again. I call her every other month to see how she’s doing, that’s about it.

Three clients, three very different places on the socio-economic ladder.

30

Wish I could have met my grandfather once and asked him why. He died before I was born. But his not being there arguably ruined my mother’s life, and still she puts him on a pedestal. I just don’t get how a guy who looks this loving:

[Album] imgur.com

didn’t give a damn.

That picture is from July or August 1973 btw. After he had the stroke and came home. The only picture of him from 1973 to 1975 outside of his driver license from 1975.

31

I know of a few situations where the father reconnected with the child(ren) when they were adults, and yes, this happened sometimes, but these were often situations where she cut him off from the kids; in one case that comes to mind, she told the kids that their father was dead. Naturally, they asked questions, and learned very quickly not to, because they were punished severely for doing so.

32

My aunt’s first husband was a bad gambler and chronically broke as such. He made a great effort to see my cousin for the first few years after they separated. He was even nice to my sisters, even though they weren’t his kids - he felt bad because their father had left them. He took them to see the original Star Wars in theaters. My aunt pushed him out of the boy’s life. Told him that if he didn’t have the child support for that week he shouldn’t even bother showing up, and basically that’s what gradually happened.

That, combined with the mother drilling hatred into my cousin’s head, has it so he’s an grown 40 something year old man and has no desire to reconnect with his father, even though the old man does. From what I understand, he was a very very nice, soft spoken, easy going man who was browbeaten and broken by my aunt during their marriage.

Meanwhile, my aunt cut her second husband off from his biological kids. She started dating him while he was still married to the first wife and successfully isolated him from his kids. They hate him nowadays, want nothing to do with him.

My mother coming into my father’s life basically ended my father and sister’s relationship. My mother didn’t like my sister from day one, and the feeling was mutual. She was a brat who was nasty to all his girlfriends (he had a different one every year prior to my mother) and my mother responded to that by making sure my father didn’t see her anymore outside of court. Prior to this, he saw her at least once a week and doted on her. The relationship became so strained with my mother’s presence that I didn’t meet her until I was 4 years old.

33

I know a situation where a guy was a great father and then he and the wife split. It was her idea and I think he was really blindsided and hurt. Anyway, he has since remarried. He has no interest in the lives of the children from the first marriage but is a good dad to the kids he has now. I think a lot of it is because he never got over or forgave the first wife. It sucks and it’s immature imo. The kids had nothing to do with what was going on but it’s the choice he made.

34

Reddy ol’ buddy - You’ve been handed a raw deal all around. That’s a durn shame. It’s also far from uncommon as the other folks here have attested. Human beings suck. Everybody sucks some and some suck a lot.

It sounds like you’re beating yourself up pretty hard, imagining if onlys and what ifs up one side and down the other. That’s completely understandable. It’s also completely unhelpful to you and your current life.

If you could speak to your grand-dad, he’d probably have something pretty unsatisfying to say. Maybe he’d say “I tried my best, but my wife was a beast and ultimately I couldn’t take any more.” Maybe he’d say “I didn’t give a damn about anything but this here bottle. Didn’t then and sure don’t now.”

The truth is we will never know. People don’t do things for one simple reason. They do them for a complicated mélange of overlapping and inconsistent reasons. That may or may not make sense to anyone but that person then and there. And often not even that much; folks do stuff even they can’t understand all the time.

I’m only 58; I’m still learning how to play this game called “life”. I can look back on decisions from my 20s and 30s and say I’d never make that decision again; it was *that *bone-headed. I can comprehend what I was thinking, because I can remember what I was thinking. I’m just disappointed that my thinking was that crappy at a supposedly adult age. Most folks seem to have less memory than I seem to. Odds are they have even less ability to recall, much less analyse why they did something decades ago.

The late 1960s and early 1970s were a stressful time in the USA. The current situation with Trump, Congress, race relations, the economy, Russia, *et al *is calm ho hum ordinary politics by comparison to then. Everything about society was in flux. And was seen to be in flux. Some people took to the changes. Others recoiled in horror. Men didn’t know what being a man (or a woman) meant. Women didn’t know any better either.

There were lots of ways for a good person to be sucked down a rabbit hole. And lots of excuses for a bad person to be their worst.

You can’t fix any of that now. You can’t even learn very much about whatever it was.

What you can do is choose to focus on what you can improve in your own life, and try your damnedest to stop the flow of that crap into your own next generation. Now *that’s *a worthy mission for a worthy person. Go for it. Make us all proud of you. There’s a couple thousand people here hoping for the best not only for you, but from you.

35

There’s a man who used to attend my church who would tell anyone who would listen that he was divorced in 1976, and hadn’t seen his kids since and wouldn’t recognize them if they walked into the room. :eek: I do, however, know that this man battled alcoholism for many years and had been in and out of prison as a younger man.

He’s now in a nursing home.

My parents also had a friend (who died recently) who was himself divorced around that same time, and also had not seen his kids since. They said, “His ex turned them against him” which might have made sense except for one thing: the kids were teenagers at the time of their divorce. Nope, sorry, kids that age are old enough to know the truth, and he turned them against him by his own actions.

36

There are probably also some things going on that you don’t know about, and it might make sense if you did know those things. MHO, of course.