What Good Is My Fucking License?

The BBQ Pit
1

What good is my fucking official fucking state Driver’s License if I can’t use it to get a drink?

I walked into a casino last night, and the bartender asked me for ID. Okay. I’ll show you my driver’s license, here you go.

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-seven.”

(Dubious look). “What’s your address?”

“11109, oh, some street I don’t remember. I’ve moved a couple times since I got that license.”

“You don’t remember your address?”

I kept my response to myself. <I didn’t stutter, you fat cunt. I don’t fucking remember it.> She proceeds to scan it and surprise, surprise, it checks out. But she still doesn’t believe me. She brings the manager over. He asks me to leave. I said,

“What’s the problem? Does it not look like me? Did it not scan properly?”

“You need to leave.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not 21.”

“Of course not, I’m 27. I’ll have a Ketel One please, neat.”

“We can’t serve you.”

“What’s wrong with the license that you don’t believe me? Here, how about my passport.” I whip it out. It’s a US passport, mind you, current.

“We can’t accept a passport.”

<Of course not, why would I have thought a passport would prove who I am? I must be stupid or something.>

“Look at this. This is my class ring from college. It says 2003 on it, see that? It’s 2007 now, so I’ve got to be at least 26, right?”

“We only accept government issued ID, we don’t accept rings. Please leave.”

<What the fuck did I just show you two seconds ago? Fuck you.>

Now the bouncer is here, and these people *each *weigh twice as much as I do (including the lady), so I guess I have no choice. I left. I was pissed OFF. What fucking good is a driver’s license if a man can’t even get a drink? What the fuck did they want from me? Just because I can’t remember my stupid address from way back when?

What can a guy do in a situation like that? I was pissed. Fucking assholes. What were they expecting me to show them? What other ID could I possibly have showed them that they would believe me?

Can’t they just fucking let me in, and then if the cops bust me for being underage, the bartender says “his ID checked out” and she’s not in trouble, right? So what do they have to fucking lose that they feel a need to go to such ridiculous measures? I mean, I could be on trial for murder and they would probably take my license as proof that, yeah, it’s me sitting on the witness’ stand. Thank you very much. They wouldn’t say “oh you don’t remember your address, it must not be you, you’re free to go, sir. No seriously, please leave. Now.”

So I left. I came back in through another door. I sat at a different bar on the other side of the casino. Bartender didn’t ask for ID. Nice guy. I got my vodka and it calmed me down a bit, just so I could drive back home. Bitches.

2

.

I love a happy ending. Not so sure about how smart the driving part was, but, like I said, a happy ending ^^

3

Some day you will not be carded, and you realize time only travels one way. Enjoy your youth.

And stay off the fucking lawn.

4

If you move, don’t you have to update your address within a certain amount of time? No offense, but it would seem suspicious to me if you didn’t remember your address. Maybe they thought you were already too drunk to serve.

5

I don’t blame them especially since you flashed a passport. Those are used by foreign people from other countries or, at best, Americans that have set up plans to flee at the drop of a hat. Combine that with your lack of a permanent address and I say that you are lucky they didn’t call Homeland Security right there. You got off easy.

6

Don’t know about there, but that certainly is how it works here. The cops let me go with a warning to get it changed asap when they could’ve fined me.

7

Actually, there’s some HEFTY, hefty fucking fines involved with underage alcohol sales. Usually going to both the seller and the owner of the establishment, and resulting in the loss of their liquor license.

In the end, they don’t give a flying fuck about one patron’s feelings, so long as they can stay in business.

So what, there’s only one bar in town?

8

Okay, as someone who used to check IDs for a living (well, some of it) I have to agree with the folks who passed on you.

Qualification #1: Does the person look old enough? I am not very good at guessing people’s ages, so if they don’t have gray hair I asked to see ID.

Qualification #2: The picture or something else about the ID doesn’t look right. So I ask a question from the driver’s license, something the person really ought to know. Most people carrying fake ID have memorized the birth date but there are other things, like address. You flunk this, you don’t drink.

Qualification #3: Everything checks out but something still feels fishy. Hey–my job on the line, my call.

You flunked Qualification #2, my man. Even if it was several addresses ago. Not only that, but you flunked it in the worst possible way. Most people can remember the name of the street. Right now I can name every street I’ve ever lived on in my life. (Okay, most of the numbers, too–but in all cases the street.)

A person using a fake ID would be likely to try to memorize things, focus on the number, and then forget the street. Buh-bye.

Passports and other odd IDs are also right out. Some people would take them. The rule where I worked was if it would look reasonable to the cops. So if you looked 21 and handed me a license for a person with a birthdate that would make you old enough and the picture looked like you, no problem, in theory. In practice sometimes people just make you nervous because you KNOW they are lying, and in a lot of those cases the person in question works for the cops.

9

Fuck, I’ve been ticketed for having the wrong address on my liscence. It takes a lot to push some people over the edge, but it’s often something small that keeps them from acting. Glad you got your vodka.

10

Heh. An underage friend once tried to use my ID to get into a bar. The bouncer looked at her, looked at the license, and asked her “What’s your sign?” She didn’t know- he did. :smack:

It is 100% up to the staff’s discretion. You and your happiness aren’t worth their liquor license.

11

In most states that I’m aware of, yes. So that almost certainly wasn’t actually a valid driver’s license for that reason.

12

“What’s your sign” is a good one.

I also like “What year did you graduate high school?” Any hesitation before this answer is pretty suspicious.

13

But the passport IS government ID. Hello? :rolleyes:
says the woman who was carded at Little Darlings–an R rated movie waaaaay back in the day. Enjoy it while it lasts, I don’t get carded anymore.

14

They are also used by folks like me who still have an old-school paper license from NJ with no picture.
I always carry my passport for domestic travel because of this. People look at me funny in other states when I use the passport for day-to-day photo id situations.

The license expires next year. Then I’ll be able to leave my passport at home.

15

This mystifies me too. 19 Jen***** Rd. Bille****, MA. Haven’t lived there in eight years and many, many, address moves. An address isn’t really a complicated code you have to remember. Oh well, you got that drink. And don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you that you had a drink before driving home.

There’s nothing worse than someone who has had too much too drink and tries to drive impaired. But sharing the road with a pissed-off driver is a close second.

16

I go through this all the time (baby face). Here’s my favorite story:

Bouncer: “What year were you born?”

Me: “1979.”

Bouncer: “When did you graduate high school?”

Me: “I have no idea.”

Bouncer: “You don’t remember when you graduated high school?”

Me: “No… ummm… It obviously didn’t mean as much to me as it did to you.”

ZING!

ETA: Followup - he eventually let me in. I think he checked to see if my credit cards were the same name, or something else like that.

17

I remember in Texas, you had to update your license within 30 days of moving. But how would the police who pulled you over know when and where you’d moved unless you told them? Although it never came up, my plan was always to stick to telling the adress on my license until I finally did get off my lazy butt and go have it done.

18

Indeed. Nowadays, they keep trying to offer me the Senior Citizens’ discount! Oh, what unadulterated joy I would experience would someone in all seriousness card me again.

19

True, but honestly, many people who work the door are unfamiliar with them and wouldn’t know real from not-real. Again, it is totally at their discretion what to accept or deny. Similar thing happened to my husband with a military (Army) ID card- he had to helpfully show the guy where the birthdate was…

20

Normally, I’d agree with you… however, I moved into this house a month ago, and I still have to look up my address on my phone every time someone asks for it.

I tell ya, I’ve got a brain like a stainless steel, razor-sharp… sieve.

Luckily (?) nobody’s carded me in decades. I can’t even get a pity card.