My boss once stun-gunned himself.
:wally
This just happened yesterday, and I’m still laughing…
My husband makes himself a sandwich each morning. He wraps it in aluminum foil and sets it on the kitchen table.
We have three cats, including a 9-week old kitten who is hell on wheels at the moment.
So, I’m in the bathroom doing my hair, and I hear Mr. Kalhoun bellow, “WHAT THE FUCK!!! (he’s a loud, sweary kind of guy, so don’t take this as a tyrranical incident. That’s jut his way.) WHO DID THIS?? KALHOUN! C’MERE AND LOOK AT THIS!” So I go into the kitchen and his sandwich is torn open and there are tiny pieces of foil and turkey and bread all over the table. With dead seriousness, he asks me if I can tell which cat trashed his sandwich. I said I wasn’t sure, but from the size of the pieces, I thought it was the baby kitten. I’m chuckling as I go back to the bathroom to finish my 'do.
Then he walks into the bathroom holding the tiny kitten and thrusts her into my face. He asks, “Does her breath smell like turkey to you???” I fell off my chair laughing. Maybe you had to be there, but it just friggin’ killed me.
The Nairobi Trio.
From the Ernie Kovacs show in the '50s.
Of course, young people have NO idea who they are.
3 guys in gorilla suits and hats.
1 playing the piano.
1 conducting.
1 eating a banana.
SMASH!! at the end of the song.
My heart stops beating because I’m laughing so hard whenever I see them.
I have to say that I don’t know why, but the scene around the campfire in Blazing Saddles always gets me. I know, it’s a bit gorss, but I’ve never seen anyone who could control their laughter during the longest scene centered on flatulation every filmed.
I have a 6-year old boy who can absolutely waste me sometimes with the way he expresses himself. I’ll probably remember some real jewels right after I post this, but here’s a few:
He once spotted a tick on the floor that had fallen off the cat. He let out a shriek of pure fear and cried, “Mom! It’s a pea with legs!”
Another time his older sister was holding the back door open and letting in the mosquitoes. The boy said with some irritation, “Close the door, I’m getting all bumpy!”
I won’t say funniest moment ever, but just earlier today. Me and my co-worker Nikki are both graphic artists and we sit in the same large cube. A guy named Chris who we used to work with dropped by for a short visit. Chris is a short Italian guy who is hyper as a room full of adrenaline-overdosed monkeys. As he was about to leave, Nikki shows him what she’s been working on. It’s a graphic of a girl and her mother drawing water out of a well, kind of a Depression-era type pic. The girl’s face looks a little ghoulish.
Chris said “Hey, put a bird nest in her hair and she’ll look like the lady bus driver from South Park!”
I started laughing my ass off then screamed “DEW YEW WANNA REPORT TO DETENTION???” I’m still chuckling about it.
Just happened the other nite, and I’m still giggling over it.
I recently made friends with a guy from Switzerland who is living here in the States for the summer. He has no vehicle, and really needed to stock up on groceries, so I offered to take drive him to the store. When we get to the parking garage, I point my car out to him, a Jeep Liberty - a smaller size SUV.
His incredulous response? "This is your car? It’s a monster truck!"
I LMAO for about ten minutes, and he didn’t understand why. I should really take him to some car lots so he can see Ford Expeditions and Lincoln Navigators.
The children quite enjoy my parody of the Christmas song, Do You Hear What I Hear, composed in honor of our cat Whitey and his habit of sticking his behind in everyone’s face.
Said the cat to the people everywhere
Do you see what I have?
(Do you see what I have?)
Underneath my tail, everyone
Do you see what I have?
(Do you see what I have?)
It’s pink, it’s pink
And it doesn’t stink
Cause I wash it with my tongue
Cause I wash it with my tongue!
The following is an actual conversation I had with a friend of mine, a woman who was proposed to by a friend of hers, a former boyfriend (and who wasn’t interested). He became aware of her lack of interest, although she hemmed and hawed about it…
As best I can reconstruct it, our talk went something like this:
[Her] So, as soon as we were alone, he offered me …
[Me, interupting] … a ring? On bended knee?
[H] No, a toothbrush.
[M] What?
[H] He said, if I wanted to stay the night, I ought to have my own.
[M] How very romantic.
[H] Apparently, he keeps a stack of them for guests. His mom buys them for him.
[M] So, what did you say?
[H] Nothing. Then, he asked me for a blowjob.
[M] What?! Right then and there?
[H] I told him where he could stick his toothbrush.
[M] At least, now we know why he wanted you to have a toothbrush …
Isn’t modern romance sweet? 
I laughed until my sides hurt. 
OK, so Im connecting the power to a new vacuum lift. Its a very large hose connected to a vacuum pump that is used to lift large heavy boxes off of pallets and on to tables (or vice versa) where they can be cut open. The end has this suction cup like fitting on it that helps create the seal on the boxes. I set the suction end on the nearest table just to get it off the floor and out of the way. The table is one of those eight foot folding tables with tons of paper work and office type equipment on it like a phone, some utility knives, staple guns, tape dispensers and any thing else the packers use.
I then go up ladder to finish the wiring of the motor and as soon as I make the last connection the thing suddenly comes on. I`m still on the ladder - eight feet up in the air and I turn in time to see the vacuum lift suspending the WHOLE table off the ground while violently ejecting all the material that was formerly neatly stacked on top of it. The table was a good five feet off the ground at this point and swinging back and forth.
I forgot to check to make sure the switch was off before I powered the thing up.
There were many people laughing hysterically at this point. I think one or two of them even dropped to their knees in laughter.
That would have been great to get on video.
As far as movies go. I laughed so hard when I first saw the spitting sceen in Ace Ventura - When Nature Calls. Those who have seen it know what I mean. That whole movie cracked me up. I thought Liar Liar was a stitch too. Carrey rocks, they need to get some good roles for that guy though.
Mike Myers. So I Married An Ax Murderer. Playing the Scottish father.
“Head!”
“It’s like an orange on a toothpick!”
“He’ll cry himself ta sleep on his huge pilla!”
I almost died laughing during that scene.
Two friends and I were in France. Late one night we went to a playground and starting playing on all equipment–swings, slides, jungle gym, etc. I got on one of those animals on top of the giant spring that goes back and forth and side to side. My friend Jesse got behind me and started to pull me back, back, until my ass was nearly touching the ground and I was yelling “don’t let go don’t let go don’t let go.” He let go, and I flew up over the top of the animal and landed on my side in the sand some distance away. I think I actually pissed myself that night.
I live in Louisiana. Last year, we had a fairly uneventful hurricane season up until October, when we had two storms coming right for us within a week of each other. Mr. Amanita prepared to do what he terms the “household emergency preparedness duties” (bringing in items from outdoors or otherwise securing them, sandbagging around the patio door, etc.). He suited up in what is now known as his “emergency preparedness gear”: white plastic hardhat, white rubber rain boots, blue hawaiian print jam-type swimsuit shorts, a Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt that reads “I’m only pretending to be stupid”, and a red rain jacket. If that wasn’t enough to send me into hysterical laughter, I mentioned that he looked like he was in a strange road show for Spongebob Squarepants, to which he replied by singing to the tune of the Village People’s “YMCA”…
Young man! If you haven’t a care!
Young man! If your pants are real square!
He continued singing and dancing, but I didn’t hear some of the following lyrics because I was busy falling off the sofa and laughing until I nearly peed my pants. I tuned back in to hear his ending line, complete with bumping and grinding:
It! Helps! If! You! Have! No! Ass!
I think I stopped laughing only last week.
The MST3K episode featuring “The Giant Gila Monster.” This was when I was first getting into the show–I had probably seen four or five episodes before this and I was quite amused. But this episode put me over the top and made me a fan forever.
The scene that made me lose it was when the main character comes home and his younger sister has just got new braces on her legs. She’s attempting to walk across the room to him and something happens to the film…there is a brief fadeout, nothing more than a flash really, and Crow says, “Whoa, her braces shorted out the house.”
Man, I remember laughing and laughing and laughing, and then every comment after that made me lose it more and more, and soon I was laughing at myself laughing and it hurt so much, and it was so great.
God, I love that show.
What goes “ha ha ha - plop”?
Someone laughing their head off.
Me and my husband were having an argument last week. Unfortunately, we carried it into the livingroom where my son was at. My son ran up to us with a very stern expression and said to us," don’t say BULLSHIT". We both stopped and told him we didn’t say bullshit. Then I realised that neither of us ever says bullshit, we’re both guilty of saying worse things, but not in front of the kid. He was so serious about us not saying bullshit, that we both cracked up.
A commercial that never failed to make me laugh out loud a couple years ago (I think it was a Snickers ad) featured an old fellow carefully painting the end zone for a football team and, as he stands back to admire his work a player walks up and says, “Looks great, but who are the Chefs?” The camera reveals the typo across the field and the old man mutters, “Great Googly-Moogly.” I don’t know why, but that just slays me.
And now, a nitpick (I have to justify my English degree somehow, dammit):
That’s actually a reference to Carl Sandburg, not Robert Frost.
Probably how you got the lisp too!
A few years ago I was spending the week with my cousin. For some reason one of our many topics of conversation that week had been flesh eating disease. She said even though she knew the chances were slim, she was afraid of getting it. She said she was always looking for unexplained bruising because that’s supposed to be the first signs of it. A few days later, we had gone shopping and she bought a blue shirt (can you see where this is going?). She wore it the day we went to the Calgary Stampede and the weather that day set records. We got home that night and she went off to take a shower. All of a sudden she came running out of the bathroom screaming and yelled “WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?!?”. Her entire back was splotchy blue. I said “Umm I think you were sweating from the heat, and the blue dye from your shirt rubbed off.” She said “Oh. I thought I had flesh eating disease.” and then we suddenly collapsed on the floor in hysterics. If you could have seen the look of terror on her face and then absolute relief, you’d probably appreciate that story more. Anyway now all either of us has to do is say “Flesh eating disease” and we can barely stand because we’re laughing so hard.
Here’s another story. I went to France on a school trip when I was in 12th grade. One day we stopped off at a castle for a tour. We were outside waiting for our teachers to get the tickets. A couple of my friends and I were exhausted and you know how you get the giggles over anything when you’re tired? Well there was a big sign posted outside the castle that had pictures about what was allowed and not allowed inside the castle. We were completely baffled by a few of them: One was a bag that had an X through it. Another was a dog that had an X through it. But then there was a picture of a dog in a bag without an X. We decided that it meant you weren’t allowed to bring a dog into the castle unless it was in a bag, and you couldn’t bring a bag into the castle unless it had a dog in it. The whole thing struck us as so ridiculous that we laughed for probably a full 10 minutes over it. We have a video of me trying to explain the sign and I can hardly breathe because I’m laughing so hard. I remember I practically peed my pants over that silly sign. It was so stupid but thinking about it still brings a smile to my face.
How about one of the stoopidest things that made me laugh my head off? Ever have something lame just hit your funny bone and you start to howl with laughter, but it really isn’t that funny?
I was touring with a theatre company and one night we were exhausted. We were being billeted by a local family that had the game Balderdash. The object of the game is to provide a bogus definition for a very rare word. You write down your phony definition and give it to the Card Reader. The person who fools everyone the most racks up the points. You also get points for guessing the real definition.
But we were tired and we didn’t really care.
The Card Reader pulled up card and said the word is “nobbler.”
My exhausted and thoroughly apathetic friend was leaning with her face squished against the side of the couch. She sighed heavily and said out loud in the most bored and monotous voice imaginable: “A turkey with a lisp ‘nobbe, nobble, nobble’…”
I lost it! I couln’t stop laughing. I was squealing like a pig! Everyone looked at me and said “Crayons… it wasn’t that funny…” which made me laugh all the more.
It was weird. I was tired.