The “out-takes” at the End of ABug’s Life crack me up. Mostly the one with the bugs that keep burping until one farts.
Last summer my wife and I went camping with my brother and his wife. My wife could not find someone to watch our dog Dottie so we decided to take her. Shortly after dinner I took Dottie for a walk near a river and she decided to poop in the middle of a trail. I did not want to leave it there because the trail led to the restrooms and I did not want to step in it during the night. I found an empty potato chip bag and using a stick, scooped the poop. When I got back to our campsite, is set the bag on the rear bumper of my brothers truck till I could take it to a garbage can.
Just before we hit the sack my brother and his wife went to use the restrooms. My wife was in our tent leaving me by the campfire alone. Remembering a trick I use to pull on another brother at bedtime (putting my stinky socks inside of his pillowcase), I slipped into my brother’s tent and place the potato chip bag with the dog doo in the corner behind a box. Later they returned and by then my wife and I were getting comfortable in our tent. About 10 minutes later I heard my SIL ask my brother if he farted. Of course he denied it. A few minutes later she asked him again. By now he can smell it and he says it is from outside. A couple minutes later she starts yelling at him “Gary you shit your pants, don’t deny it, I know what your farts smell like.” I was just dying in my tent. My wife was having a good laugh thinking I was laughing at what was being said.
I told my wife what I did and we both broke out in uncontrolled laughter. My SIL was still sniping at my brother about the smell. My sides hurt, my cheeks hurt, tears were pouring. I heard my brother’s tent open and I could hear both my brother and SIL outside. I went out to see what was happening and my brother was taking stuff out of the tent, he said he thinks he stepped in something and he was trying to find out what it was. While my brother and his wife were looking for something in their truck I slipped into their tent and took out the bag of dog poo. I tossed it under my pickup and told my brother I was going to bed. They searched through their tent for about 15 minutes and of course, found nothing. The whole time my SIL was accusing my brother of farting and he was lying to cover it up. I still haven’t told them what I did.
Here’s one that’s quite apropos for us Dopers. It happened back in 1989, when I was living in LA. Early one Sunday morning, I was reading Cecil’s First Epistle to the Teeming Millions (aka the first SD book), when I came across the question about sneezing after orgasm.
Exactly as I was reading that question, my roommate’s girlfriend, who was sleeping with said roommate, sneezed 3 times in rapid succession. I laughed for a good 5 minutes, loudly enough to disrupt roommate and girlfriend. When they came out to ask what was up, I told them – fortunately, they’re good sports, so they laughed too.
Hearing from a friend about another friend’s acid (or possibly mushroom, don’t remember) trip:
“And then I was missing all of my finals, and I was panicking because I didn’t go to my classes, and then my finals were on my life, and I was really panicking because I didn’t go to my life! And then I was a corgi for a while.”
To this day, simply the word “corgi” can crack me up. It was so… matter-of-fact. (Apparently she became a corgi because she wanted to be pampered.)
“Eht’s like Sputnik!”
Last week I saw Conan O’Brien and they did their parody of “24”, called “60”, in which every episode is one second in a minute.
They played ten “episodes” in a row and just hearing the quote “The Following Takes Place Between 1:38 and 9 seconds and 1:38 and 10 seconds…” had me on the floor.
Racer72 - Great stuff, I love doing shit like that. And reading about others who do!
I worked in a bar where they had a kitchen. When someone would place an order with the cook and it was ready, he hit a little counter bell and said “order up”, but the way he said it, it sounded like “otter up”. So I came up with Otter-Up. the refreshing, otter-flavored beverage.
The bathrooms in this place were notorious for things other than intended use. We used to draw straws on who had to clean them.
On the following day the short straw drawer would tease the customers who had been there the night before with a little game of “guess whats under my fingernails?”
I just told this one to Kyla the other night.
I met my husband when he was 35, so he has a lot of history to tell me about. One night he told me a story about his family’s former dog, Brandy. His parents weren’t home, and he decided to try an experiment entitled How Many Cans of Dog Food Will A Golden Retriever Eat?
He opened one can. The dog gobbled it up cheerfully. He opened another can, and then another. Brandy could not believe his good fortune, and gobbled those two. Then my husband opened another. Brandy looked in his bowl, looked at my husband, but then gamely ate the contents of the fourth can. My husband kept going, with Brandy getting more and more hesitant, and eating more slowly, but being the stupid golden retriever he was, he didn’t STOP.
At some point the dog did stop eating, or maybe my husband ran out of cans. Apparently the dog walked off on shaky legs, made some heaving motions, and then lay down on the garage floor, bloated and immobile. My husband said he was then in a panic. He killed the dog! How would he tell the family!
Well, the dog lived. Why is this story funny? After he got done telling it, I asked my husband how old he was when he did this. I don’t have the chronology of their family pets down, so I had no idea if he was 7 or 9 or 10 when he did this.
His response? 26. He was 26 when he did this. That’s when I about peed my pants.
The other thing that I still laugh about involves a Pictionary game. My friend Adrianna and I were on the same team. I got the card for “Democratic Party.” I immediately (because I’m stupid and get them backwards) drew an elephant. Adrianna guessed “ELEPHANT” and then guessed “DEMOCRATS! DEMOCRATIC PARTY!” right away. Which was what she needed to say, and we won the game. We had no idea we had the symbol wrong.
Our friend Doug, on an opposing team, nearly had an aneurism. First, he was annoyed that I was too dumb to get the symbol right. But then, to have that error not hurt me, as it should have in this circumstance, because Adrianna was JUST AS BACKWARDS as I was…argh, it was too much. He was beside himself at the perversity of it. As soon as we realized what he was going on about, we started laughing maniacally. I still chuckle over it. Dumb and Dumber conquer all. You just gotta be dumb on the same wavelength.
The scene in Kung Pow when the evil warlord dude tosses the smokebomb down and prepares to dramatically disappear… and this little puff of smoke comes up and he’s just standing there like “what the hell?”
I died.
.:Nichol:.
The tentacle ribbon on the Save the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus webpage.
Just thinking about it almost makes me wet myself. 
“I dropped a cigar ash on his carpet. He made me pick it up with my anus”
Wha?..How?..Huh?..couldnt stop giggling for days.
I was at Girls State last week, and I was having a pretty good time. We usually didn’t get back to our dorms on the University of Arizona campus until quite late, but this particular day we’d been out even longer than usual. I believe it was around 11:00 and we were trekking back, 340 teenage girls, in almost darkness.
I was with my good friend A., walking back, and we had the giggles. I’m sure it was because we’d been constantly on the move all day and were exhausted, but we kept talking about the events of the day, and laughing our heads off.
Previously we’d been listening to one speaker (quite informative–from the House of Representatives) who quite honestly cracked us up. Before he began speaking, we thought that during the Q&A period we should stand up and ask “Why is the sky blue?” just to hear his response.
Walking back that night–this was hilarious.
After the House guy, we had a talent show. Beforehand, because there was some delay in getting it all set up, our “Junior Counselors” (18-year-olds, 12 of them) decided to get us all singing lots of ditties and fun little songs, chants and so forth. One we all knew and loved was called “The Weenie Song.” (Weenies, weenies, weenies, weenies…I know the weenie man, he owns the weenie stand…my god how I love that weenie man, whoo!) While we were singing other songs, one girl–who was normally quite quiet and very serious–kept shouting out “WEENIES! I want to sing the Weenie Song! The Weenie Song! Weenie man! Weenie man!”
We could not speak from laughter.
We also had some funny moments on the way back itself. The “Weenie Song” girl was carrying our dorm floor’s stick–the pole used to identify each floor–and she kept WHACKING it into the street signs as she walked, just like those monks in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, humming the song to herself.
And then A. looked up at the sky and said “The moon is pretty!”
For some reason this made me laugh even more and I managed to choke out, after several minutes of uncontrollable giggles, “I…like…the moon…too!”
We finally had to stop reminiscing and laughing after we got some weird looks. But believe me, that was the BEST night.
My son has very sensitive ears. The two Lyllyandaughters and the Lyllyanson were headed to Grandma’s last week.
LyllyanSon had his headphones on and was trying to enjoy his music. Meanwhile, the two LyllyanDaughters were in the back seat laughing uproariously about everything and nothing.
LyllyanSon turned around a few times, with a horrendous scowl on his face and kept saying "Shut UP!’ Things settled down for a few minutes, and I told the girls to keep it down.
They began whispering and suddenly LyllyanSon tuns around again and tells them to “SHUT UP!”. He then calmly turns back to the front, hits his thighs with his fists and mutters…
“Curse my Super Hearing!”
upon which all semblence of sanity fled the car.
This is kind of geeky… but…
Earlier this semester, my friend and I were sitting in a tutorial, learning about how protocols work over the network (and it’s components). There’s a movie that’s being played about it that we’re not really listening to. It’s in the background; I’m more focused on drawing this picture in Paint. He’s doing something else, surfing the net I think. All of a sudden, my ears catch (from the movie) “IP on the router…”, which is said as “I pee on the router”. Instantly my mind thinks of some guy taking a whiz on a piece of computer equipment. I start cracking up, but try to keep it quiet. My friend looks at me like I’ve lost it, and then realises what I’m laughing at and starts pissing himself too. By now the whole class is looking at us like idiots while we’re in tears. They still don’t know what set us off.
My Grandma had a Cannon Sure Shot camera and was trying to take pictures of the family with it, but it just would not work.
When asked what kind of camera it was, she looked at it and told us it was a “Sure Shot”. We all laughed hysterically because it was indeed sure shot.
Bruce Almighty with the news guy making wierd noises on live tv. Every time I thought it was over (I couldn’t see because I was practically on the floor) he’d say something else.
Also “‘Le grille’? What the heck is ‘le grille’?”
I was filling out a customer comment card at a restaurant a couple of weeks ago, and when I got to the “other comments” section, Jim said I should write in it “My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”
How could I forget the SDMB?
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_373.html was in one of my SD books and I nearly fell out of my chair.
Scrool down a bit to the paragraph in quotes
sorry try nowhttp://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_373.html