Brundle telepod- Teleport any matter. Just hope it doesn’t get confused and splice your DNA with that of some other organism (dust mites? those critters that live in your eyelashes? :eek: ) Which leaves you feeling okay at first, then gradually, horribly turning yourself into an abomination. But hey, inorganic matter works just fine, no horrible accidents there!
Faster-than-light drive- Like the telepod, I’m not talking about the Star Trek-esque versions, I’m talking about the one that may send your spaceship several light-years away, or it will just transfer you to this dimension of demon-things and make you go crazy. I guess they should have taken Brundle’s approach on this- let it turn a few baboons inside out before putting humans at the helm
Invisibility serum- Turns you invisible. However, your eyelids are invisible, so bright light hurts and its hard to sleep (yeah I know, your retinas would be invisible too…let’s just play along for humor’s sake). Also, the process is agonizingly painful. Oh yeah, its irreversible too, you’re stuck an invisible guy- you could get brought to an inch of your life through elecrocution; that’ll only make you half invisible. And of course, since you are invisible, you’re no longer bound by society’s barriers, so you’ll probably go crazy.
Super Wifi- Great internet connection speeds, just that annoying side effect of letting ghosts travel on the wavelength who have this annoying habit of ganking people’s souls. Make sure you bought plenty of bright red tape at the hardware store. The things people will do for a fast internet connection!
Invisibility is over-rated. How could you steal anything? By necessity you would have to go around naked. Clothes would be too noticeable, so no pockets. Same with a carrying bag. You couldn’t steal a stereo or TV. One of those seeming to float in the air would sound alarm bells. You couldn’t conceal anything in your hands. There is only one possible way to carry something so it remains invisible and it’s too disgusting to mention in polite society. So it seems you’d be reduced to harmless pranks like pushing people or tying their shoelaces together.
A time machine. I’d enjoy those first few romps - until I’ve utterly changed the course of history, resulting in Earth being a pile of rubble by the year 2000, and my parents never meeting or even existing, causing me to wink out of existence.
I want an unlimited supply of TWT – “The Whole Truth” – a designer drug from Spider Robinson’s short story “Satan’s Children.” It’s a mild hallucinogen that fills you with a compulsion to tell the truth – that is, to hunt up everybody you’ve deceived and reveal the truth to them. So long as the trip lasts. The drug itself is not addictive – but, as it turns out, telling the truth (under its influence) is addictive and people who have tripped on it once or twice become much more habitually honest. And it’s tasteless, colorless, odorless, and can be administered surreptitiously to unsuspecting persons in several ways. Think of the possibilities!
Not to mention that every time you materialize, you’re stuck in the middle of a dinosaur stampede, nuclear attack, volcanic eruption or captured by a pesky group of Morlocs.
I’d settle for Brundle’s teleporter. It managed inorganic substances easily enough, and if I could get the thing to work without the sender booth, I could steal anything inorganic in perfect safety.
And if I couldn’t, I could still make a fortune in the shipping biz, so long as I wasn’t shipping pets or edibles.
Anything that has a name consisting of a “mind”-related word (“Brain,” “Neural,” “Engram,” etc.) followed by a term related to construction equipment (“Drill,” “lathe,” “hammer,” “plasma cutter,” etc.).
What would I use it for? Eh, I’m sure I’ll figure something out. Pray that you never find out what.
How about one of those Univeral Spy Screens the villains always used in the old Republic serials? You can turn it on and get a clear picture of whatever your enemies are doing in any place at any time. Never mind that there’s no actual camera or other recording device present at the scene you’re looking at. Somehow the Universal Spy Screen can transmit a clear picture anyway, and always from a good angle, where you can see everyone who’s talking. Sometimes it will even switch to “talking head” shots of individual speakers! Amazing!
And of course a 1920s-Style Death Ray would be cool, just to impress girls.
I’m thinking more along the lines of John Dillinger’s penis in a jar, but I guess you all are really after science fiction atrocities and not medical science atrocities.
So maybe a head in a pan with juices running through tubes keeping it alive like in *The Brain That Wouldn’t Die * would be cool. It would provide commercial-free company, unlike a television, and if I threatened to disconnect it I could get it to agree with everything I said all the time.
