What I wish my resignation letter could really say.

[TastesLikeBurning]

I have been with my current employer now for a little over two years, but the time has come to move on. This has not been an easy decision as it has generally been a great company to work for, but a new boss in place since February and circumstances beyond my control which have severely damaged relationships I’ve built with customers over the past two years have left me no other choice if I want to keep my sanity.

What pushed me over the edge though was a negative response to my request for a payrise, which when taking into account my sales figures, customer feedback, and the actual cost they will have to pay a recruitment firm to replace me, was nothing short of stupidity.

So after beginning the search for a new job three weeks ago, I was offered and subsequently accepted a new job Thursday just gone and as a result will be submitting my resignation letter tomorrow.

Below is the one I am submitting, with names changed to protect the guilty.

*Dear Bob,

It is with regret that I inform you of my decision to pursue career opportunities elsewhere.

I have enjoyed my time spent working at Bill’s Widgets and with all employees of the Springfield branch. The opportunities afforded me through this association are something that I truly appreciate and without them I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I’d also like to take this chance to wish everyone associated with Bill’s Widgets the best of luck in the future as they strive towards becoming the most successful widget facility in Australia.

Best Regards,

TastesLikeBurning*

Below is the one I’d like to submit.

*Dear Bob,

It is with regret that I inform you of my decision to pursue career opportunities elsewhere, but with joy that I no longer have to put up with your sycophant ideals and appalling attention to spelling and grammar.

I have enjoyed my time spent working at Bill’s Widgets and with all employees of the Springfield branch, except for you. The opportunities afforded me through this association are something that I truly appreciate and without them I wouldn’t be where I am today, but my guess is that you’d still be enormously fat.

I’d also like to take this chance to wish everyone associated with Bill’s Widgets the best of luck in the future as they strive towards becoming the most successful widget facility in Australia, and for you personally I’d be hoping for an eczema treatment that not only clears up that nasty side-effect of stress, but also magically absorbs into the bloodstream to give a boost to that pathetic example of what you call your personality.

Best Regards,

TastesLikeBurning*

Anyone else have examples of resignation letters they’d like to submit, but can’t due to the whole ‘don’t burn bridges’ philosophy?

[sniperfang]

@TastesLikeBurning

…Anyone else have examples of resignation letters they’d like to submit, but can’t due to the whole ‘don’t burn bridges’ philosophy?

I have this one saved on my hard drive at work.
Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting points.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers b-day”, you neglected to mention that you were to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never fuck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,

Ted Brewer

[David_Simmons]

@sniperfang

I have this one saved on my hard drive at work.
Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting points.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers b-day”, you neglected to mention that you were to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never fuck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,

Ted Brewer

Dear Ted,

I would wipe this from my hard drive at work and put it on my hard drive at home.

[sniperfang]

@David Simmons

Dear Ted,
I would wipe this from my hard drive at work and put it on my hard drive at home.

Dear David,

A little 128-bit encryption is a wonderful thing.

[matt_mcl]

Cher M. (whoever,)

J’ai ma claque de vous-autres comme c’est pas possible. Va donc chier, viarge.

Veuillez agréer l’expression, etc.

matt_mcl

[The_King_of_Soup]

Good fucking Gophers.

Fellow dopers, you seem not to realize that long before you have gotten to the point of the perfect resignation letter, the one that burns only everyone else, you have already lost. Will you ever need another job? Will you always be smarter than those who might hire you? Having established that, can you subsist indefinitely on your own, or might you someday want to consent to traffic with the common folk again?

Face it, guys. People who have proven richer and more successful than you, even within the same corrupt organization you’re quitting, are often so for a reason. Sometimes they are so for a deplorable reason. More frequently, they are so because you’re an asshole and they are not. People don’t like assholes even more than they don’t like incompetent people, because the former create more work and make everybody feel bad.

[Finagle]

@The King of Soup

Good fucking Gophers.

Fellow dopers, you seem not to realize that long before you have gotten to the point of the perfect resignation letter, the one that burns only everyone else, you have already lost. Will you ever need another job? Will you always be smarter than those who might hire you?

Good gophers, can’t you read? These are letters they wish they’d written, not the one that actually ended up on the boss’ desk.

[Kythereia]

As much as I’d like to say “Screw you all with a popsicle and a half-banana split, I’m out of here!” at some points, I genuinely do like my job and the people at it, and would be sorry to go.

I’ll have to get a really crappy job and report back to you guys.

[Hostile_Dialect]

@The King of Soup

Face it, guys. People who have proven richer and more successful than you, even within the same corrupt organization you’re quitting, are often so for a reason. Sometimes they are so for a deplorable reason. More frequently, they are so because you’re an asshole and they are not. People don’t like assholes even more than they don’t like incompetent people, because the former create more work and make everybody feel bad.

Let me get this straight. Assholes stay in the working class, while good people rise to the top and become managers, and when the working-class folk take a dislike to their managers it’s usually because the working-class folk are Bad People and simply misinterpreted the boss’s micromanagement/favoritism/terrible leadership. Right.

[ivylass]

@sniperfang

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers b-day”, you neglected to mention that you were to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)

Please please please tell me this isn’t true. I can’t believe upper management would keep such a tool around.

[Barbarian]

King of Soup fails to realize that people in management positions hold those positions because they excel at office politics.

A manager may be ruthlessly incompetent at actually dealing with their subordinates. It doesn’t matter, as long as they are very good at dealing with their own boss.

Don’t take my word for it. Read any number of business management books and you will find the same conclusion.

[PoorYorick]

@sniperfang

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

I thought this was an urban legend. What I’ve been made to understand is that, while a bad reference isn’t illegal, it could theoretically open you up to a lawsuit if the former employee didn’t get the job because of your reference.

Which leads to all sorts of tap dancing and wink-wink-nudge-nudge when giving a reference for a bad former employee . . . Basically, “I prefer not to comment” now means, “I wouldn’t hire this guy to clean out my gutters.”