What if a politician's wife isn't into/or able to be a politician's wife?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Somewhat inspired by the recent thread “They’d have to pay me!” Feel free to move this to MPSIMS if that’s more appropriate.

I’m going to lay it pretty bare, because I honestly don’t have anyone close to talk to about this. My husband is getting pretty thick into state politics, and it’s getting to the point of being obvious that I’m not showing up as his sidekick to events. He’s the president and medical director of a state mental institution, one of the few thriving in the US. He’s suddenly on the board of a lot of think tanks and has to attend many governmental functions. Ten years ago I dreamed about this and I think I would have been a suitable and charismatic partner; unfortunately, since then I’ve taken some bad turns (a cascade of chronic illnesses, depression, and also now have two more small children who are all I can handle, and then some). I have been unable to find suitable help in my small town for any of those things. I don’t even drive, partially due to inertia (I used to live in a large city, and it wasn’t necessary), and partially fear because of being medicated and really poor vision…but now I can’t even find anyone to help this silly middle-aged lady to help me relearn the basic skills to get my licence. There aren’t any driving schools in town that will teach adults, and I put out a Craigslist ad a few months back, but the replies were…unacceptable (there were 3, and all of them were assuming I was looking for a sort of romantic interest). I have had similarly disappointing results for babysitting, housekeeping and handyman help.
What does one do? I don’t have any family nearby to help, and I don’t exactly fit that kind of lower-echelon “First Lady” image anymore. LOL. I cut my own hair, I don’t even know what’s fashionable anymore, out of shape, etc. But more and more I have been turning down those opportunities to accompany him, whether that be due to health reasons or simply not having a sitter. I do want to help my husband in that capacity, and I still try to behind the scenes, as it were, but I just lack the management, finances, plus the energy to go the whole mile like I would want.
And it just makes me wonder what happens when an up-and-coming political figure has a spouse who is dragging them down, so to speak, and can’t be a (reliable) charming figure on their arm.

I do have an upcoming unpaid gig that I’m excited to be planning for in my husband’s realm; I’m developing a curriculum/plan for a basic therapeutic art class at his hospital. I’m not nervous about that per se–I’ve never been an art instructor, but I used to teach dance, and incorporated many therapeutic techniques. (I’m rather more than a novice at 2D art–but I’m out of practice and haven’t really taught) I am, however, nervous about whether I can keep up week after week, and be dependable. Anyway, I hope that will give me a degree of confidence to help me get a feel for the role I might be asked to play in a few short years; if nothing else, learning to deal with other workers in a politically charged sort of work setting. But to being us back to the main point, I’ve absolutely no experience with doing even “ladies’ committees” kind of things. Well, I did teach Sunday School for about a year (with no idea what I was doing) but mostly managed to annoy people with my opinions and methods. :stuck_out_tongue:

I know there’s a bunch of smart and experienced people on this board, so I’m seriously begging for help or just plain commentary in any of these realms! :o I may not be able to reply *right *away–I only get a chance on SD when everyone else in the house is asleep, but I will see and respond. :slight_smile: Thanks for reading.

2

Your husband couldn’t take any time to help you with your driving skills in order to help get your license? He sounds like a busy man but that wouldn’t take much time. I know that isn’t really what your thread is about that just stood out to me for some reason.

3

Funny you should mention that. When he’s in a foul mood, he likes to dig me about my not having a license, but before we had little kids, he took me out driving maybe twice, and was not very helpful–took me in his old standard shift jeep, then laughed when I stalled it (had no idea what I was doing) when other cars were approaching. Hell, I didn’t even have a permit, so I was freaking out.

But seriously, yes, there was a time where we could have worked on that together easily. For whatever reasons, and I won’t displace all the blame, we didn’t.

4

Don’t take this the wrong way but it sounds like you really just want to talk about maybe your marriage/relationship not necessarily being a politician’s wife. You sound kind of lonely like you have nobody to talk to about these things in your personal life.

5

I am curious about that too. You sound like a single mother, but at least you don’t have to try to have a job too in order to pay the bills. Your Craig’s list searches turn up nothing but people looking for sex? That is strange.

If your husband is on the board of multiple think tanks, perhaps you should share your needs with him so that both of you are on the same page as far as raising your children are concerned. If your husband doesn’t want to help with his own children, I doubt he will be the kind of politician most people would want to vote for.

6

Well…you aren’t exactly wrong. But, yeah, I’m extremely lonely. My best friend these days, since my last move, is my husband’s secretary, and she lives an hour away, and how much can you talk about discreetly to your spouse’s secretary. Heh. As I said, I just would like to talk about any of this. I know I’m rambling above, but my main aim was to figure out how people married to (potentially) political figures deal when they themselves are not into the game.

As an aside, politically, my spouse and I have moved apart. So that doesn’t help.

7

Hmm, lots to think about here. Sometimes I feel like a single mom, but you’re right, I don’t have to work anymore. I did when we first started dating, but my income was pretty negligible in comparison, and he needed someone to sort out finances at his old job, and when that dissolved, I became his practice manager, and lost my old contacts. Then we moved to a small town, and everything just went from there.

As far as the Craigslist stuff, I was trying to say that the couple people offering to help me learn to drive were sleazy, and the other leads I got for other household help did not work out. One seemed okay for a few weeks, then kept asking for advance money at weird times, kind of drugged up, and finally we had to call the police on him. Our best bet for a babysitter was an unreliable (later found out) heroin addict whose mother covered for her the last time we called. Etc. We live in a pretty downtrodden area.

As for the last, I doubt my husband would be in any position that would be “voted for,” but that does not exclude it being a political job. Think of it like advisory positions. I really can’t say any more without completely outing ourselves. :slight_smile: And anyone with ten minutes and boredom could probably figure it out anyway. At any rate, like a lot of couples, we are on the same page for some things and not others. He has an extra burden because I’m sometimes ill and don’t drive, so he has to take me to some dr apts and do some grocery shopping and such. I try to minimize all of that with what online services I can access, of course.

8

First observation: if you’re putting out ads for everything from driving lessons to babysitting, housekeeping and handyman it’s difficult to not think you’re somewhat detached from your immediate community. In fact, if that is the case, and you don’t drive, and you have two school age kids … I guess I mean, in my culture, the school gate mums thing is pretty strong so I’m not getting a lot of this.

If the worst of the illness and depressions is behind you then there are no greater ‘tools’ to breaking into local communities than your kids :slight_smile:

Also, forget Craigslist. You live in a small comunity - ask people for driving lesson recommendations; ask in the stores you use: In a small town you can you cycle to exercise classes … start to achieve small goals like that. One step at a time :slight_smile:
You’re a middle-aged mum with two kids and a husband to organise, so there’s your number one and two priorities - and, if you don’t really want to get out much, it’s all you need to put out there and people will understand.

Sounds like you have confidence issues now, when you didn’t before.

9

First observation: if you’re putting out ads for everything from driving lessons to babysitting, housekeeping and handyman - ad you live in a small town - it’s difficult to not think you’re somewhat detached from your immediate community. In fact, if that is the case, and you don’t drive, and you have two school age kids … I guess I mean, in my culture, the school gate mums thing is pretty strong so I’m not getting everything you say.

If the worst of the illness and depression is behind you then there are no greater ‘tools’ to breaking into local communities than your kids :slight_smile:

Also, I’d forget Craigslist. You live in a small community - ask people for driving lesson recommendations; ask in the stores you use: In a small town maybe you can you cycle to exercise classes … start to achieve small goals like that. One step at a time :slight_smile:

10

Sorry, I tried to rephrase and ended up posting two versions …

11

Bolded part–sorry, I have no idea what you mean there. I have donated hundreds to the Parent-Teacher Organization–with note saying I cannot show up to and participate with every meeting, but I support them and will help as I can–not even a note of thank you. I have tried to make friends with the other parents at the bus stop, but I guess I’m too ugly or I smell bad or something.:rolleyes: Now they all wait in their cars (for longer than it would take to drive kids to school) while I stand at the corner with my kid like a drug dealer waiting for a mark. 5-6 cars hanging around the stop. I’m the only weirdo standing there with my kid.

There isn’t a parish of my church (Eastern Orthodox) within an hour of my town, so I was actually thinking of going to the Lutheran or Episcopalians. My husband has frowned on that, though, but I’d rather my kids have some sort of church upbringing even if it isn’t exactly our preference. Plus the social aspects. I literally know almost no one in town.

12

Depends on the country, evidently, but there have been quite a few politician’s spouses who only acted as such very, very occasionally.

Both the wives of Zapatero and Rajoy, for example. I know the first one is called Sonsoles and they met in law school; that the second is a reporter, much younger than him and they met when she interviewed him. But to tell you more I’d have to look them up. Compare with Ana Botella (Aznar’s wife), who’s been putting her foot in her mouth in public quite frequently both during her husband’s presidency and after getting into politics herself.

13

somebody must teach local kids to drive and you can try to hire that person(s) or company.

14

I’d be terrified to have someone watch my kid who’s only way to get them to help was to call an ambulance. How would you pick them up from school if they got the flu? Beyond the political stuff learning to dive seems like the most important thing.

After that I’d talk to your husband about who the other board members higher as their babysitter. You are divorced from your community while he is involved ago use his connections to the neighbors to figure out who to use. After that you just need to use your new found free time to make friends, get involved in the pta, or get involved in his afterwork life.

15

Sonya Peres, wife of Israeli Prime Minister and President Shimon Peres, lived almost completely outside the public eye for her husband’s 70 years of public service. By all accounts, she simply wasn’t interested. The press accepted it - not that it had a choice.

16

I think I know the sort of job you’re talking about (high level appointed positions, like " Secretary for Public Safety" or head of an agency or department) and in my experience, there’s little “First Ladying” done in connection with those jobs. I’m not going to say that there isn’t any at all - I’m sure the governor occasionally holds a social event that high level staff and their spouses are expected to attend and depending on the position, your husband may want you to be present at some social events that he hosts for his counterparts from other states or employees of his agency. But it’s won’t be like being the spouse of the governor or any other elected official - those spouses are often expected to be present at campaign events and other events held for the general public.

( It’s probably not as obvious as you think that you aren’t showing up to events with your husband- there are probably loads of other spouses who don’t show up as well)

17

Norm Coleman’s wife (former Senator from Minnesota, former Minnesota Governor) was a non-entity with her own career. Jesse Ventura’s wife didn’t play the political wife games. He can be successful with you not participating - but he has to be willing to say “my wife isn’t interested.” And you have be be willing to have a husband and father of your children who functions as a great breadwinner, but really sounds like a non-entity in the other husband/father duties.

18

Episcopalian sounds reasonably close to Eastern Orthodox. Less incense, different calendar, but probably not theologically at odds. Lutherans have a lot of similar influences as well. It seems highly problematic to try to transmit Orthodox Christianity to your children without some kind of church in their lives beyond their family.

19

In terms of household help, I think that care.com is better than craigslist. I always had success there, though I lived in a larger suburban area than you do it sounds like. But give it a whirl, because the whole site is dedicated to matching household help with employers. Finding good, reliable help can be hard (says the lady of the manor… no actually just a regular working mom), and expect to try a few before finding the perfect person. Also if there is a political career, even if unelected, in your family’s future be sure to pay all taxes, and if you find someone great be sure to overpay them - it’s worth not having to go through the search all over again. You also might look for a local agency for au pairs or nannies and go through them. A decent nanny should be willing to do a little light housework associated with the kids, like doing their laundry and cooking their meals.

I find it hard to believe local driving schools won’t take an adult. Here is a list of drivers ed courses in your state: https://secure.in.gov/bmv/files/Driver_Education_Providers_-_Classroom.pdf

If you don’t want to get involved with constant gladhanding and fancy dinners, perhaps you can talk to your husband and negotiate when you will cheerfully show up and what you can skip out of. A certain level of importance of event is on the list and all others are off. Or he gets 6 a year and that’s it.

Overall it sounds like your life is very circumscribed and you don’t like it that way. You do have to just take the plunge and say yes to something, and take action. Scary indeed but each time you step forward into things it gets easier to take that next step. Good luck.

20

I’m hearing a lot of depression talking through the OP, and I’m wondering if that has been adequately addressed.

In practical terms, is there any possibility of moving close to Indianapolis, since he’s getting more into state politics? There’s a new state psych hospital opening there soon, too.