would that be:
We regret that your
Shed was built in a wrong place
And it must be moved.
or does the “deh” at the end of “moved” add into the syllable count, making the last line 6 instead of 5?
“Therefore it must move”???
Attention Stool Pigeon:
Your shed is an illegal structure. Dismantle it immediately or our people will burn it down.
The computer is your friend.
Signed,
The computer.
Dude,
You still haven’t moved your shed! That is really uncool, dude. I’m thinking about having my friend Dave come over their and whale on your ass. He’ll do it, too, he’s a bud. Seriously, dude, you need to move your shed!
Later,
you
OK, ok, I’m no good at poetry. (But you put ‘it’ in - I was assuming /and/it/must/be/mov/ved/ were the syllables; I admit I’m not happy with that final half syllable. Or my miscount. But unlike js_africanus I’m not actually paid to write poems to potentially stupid people with too many sheds, so I didn’t try very hard.)
Anyway, I can’t resist another:
Land is mine. No rules.
Council go away or die.
Haiku needs season?
Dear Mr./Mrs. ****:
We have kidnapped your dog. Move your shed immediately, or the mutt gets it.
Have a nice day,
The City
All your shed are belong to us, I burning you dog.
Dear Sir,
A very good day to you.
I am Stella Mark Aku (Mrs) widow of the late Engr. Ishaya Mark Aku the former Minister for Sport in Nigeria. My late husband was one of the victims of the May 4th 2002 EAS Aircraft that crashed in Kano State of Nigeria.
I have an immediate business proposal that involves US$ 9,500,000.00 (Nine Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars), which I would like to invest in your illegally placed shed. Please, do not hesitate to send me a response intimating me of your interest…
You have 30 minutes to move your shed.
You have 10 minutes to move your shed.
Your shed has been impounded.
Your shed has been crushed into a cube.
You have 30 minutes to move your cube.
I actually had to do this too. I’m one of three people on the Architectural Control Committe in my suburban subdivision. One person decided to put up a shed which is explicity against the subdivision rules.
We wrote a letter informing them of their misdeed and asked them to remove it. I’ll dig up that letter tonight.
However, the responses in this thread are MUCH better than what we sent.
Um, we really don’t want to offend you, but see, your shed is in violation of the laws, mmmkay? If you could move it-whenever you get a chance, no pressure-we’d really appreciate it.
But no rush!
Heh, heh, heh.
No, no, no, that’s what you write to the Bank Manager.
Depends on what your position is. If you are acting as a member of a homeowners’ association, for instance, then you act neighborly:
"Dear Neighbor,
It has come to our attention by your meddling neighbor, Mrs. Kravitz, that you’ve erected a shed, which despite being tastefully painted in red and gold (go Buckeyes!), is unfortunately in violation of our Homeowner’s Association Protective Covenants and Restrictions.
We respectfully request that you dismantle the shed to appease Mrs. Kravitz, as she calls my home nightly to inquire about the status of her complaint and I’m beginning to develop a nervous twitch in my eye.
However, as you may have figured out, if you choose NOT to dismantle your shed, we have no recourse, as we have exactly $13.12 in our legal fund in which to hire an attorney to take you to court. But we’d appreciate if you’d comply anyway since you’re presumably a good neighbor.
If you decide not to comply, which is your choice, then I’d advise you to skedaddle down to the county offices and obtain a posthumous building permit pronto. Because calling the county will surely be Mrs. Kravitz’s next move. And while WE can’t afford to take you to court, the county surely can and will. They have no standing in whether you’ve violated our protective covenants so they cannot enforce OUR rules against sheds. However, they can enforce the building code. Which, at the very least, means you’ll need to get the shed inspected and hope they don’t notice that your footers are 6 inches off code.
Best regards,
Your duly elected voluntary President,
Herman Kadiddlehopper"
Now, on the other hand, if you ARE the county then you should simply stick to the facts. You needn’t be regretful, simply courteous. Simply find a copy of a letter that should already exist (this not being the first shed to be in violation) and that has already passed the scrutiny of the solicitor (to ensure you have quoted the law correctly and have properly advised the homeowner of any legal recourse (such as filing an appeal with the zoning board).
Good luck.
Dear Ass-munch,
Your shed is in violation of ordnance fee-fie.foe/fum. Please move it immediately or you will be questioned, fined, and executed. Pray we get the order right.
Please leave your shed where it is. We like suing people }:->