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The situation: I live upstairs from a guy who abuses his girlfriend. In the six months I’ve lived there, I’ve heard it happen twice. The first time, several months ago, I called the police. Nothing came of that–at all. She didn’t leave, she didn’t turn him in, they didn’t see anything that would have let them take any action, and the matter was over, with me feeling like shit. About a week ago, some Saturday night, he was at her again. I didn’t call the police this time.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know either of them, apart from what the mailbox says, and I don’t want to keep calling the cops and get them out for what ends up, in their perspective, being nothing, and make me look like an ass. In my mind I try to tell myself, you give her a chance, she’ll take it, but it was so disenheartening to have called the cops and have nothing come of it. What am I supposed to do here to get this situation taken care of? Can I record the sounds I hear next time? --I mean could the cops use that? Should I invite the cops in to my place to listen through the floor what I’m hearing to make up my own mind?
What can I do? In principle I’d like to stay a third party, and not risk my own person or property, but my property is not really worth someone else getting abused if that is what it takes.
I’d say, keep calling the police whenever it happens. Why on earth should you feel like “shit”, or like an “ass”? You’re the only person in this situation doing the right thing! (I’m not unsympathetic to the victim, who is probably too scared to turn the guy in or else convinced it’s “her fault”, but it is not right to put up with being beaten.)
Imagine how much worse you’d feel if someday he goes really overboard and ends up killing her, and you didn’t do anything when you heard it starting.
Your area is bound to have a domestic violence hotline or battered women’s shelter or something. Call them and explain the situation you’re in. They’ll probably have some good advice, or at least they can reassure you that you’re not overreacting.
You can also call your landlord and complain. After all, if your neighbors were involved in any other illegal and/or over-noisy activity that was bugging you, you’d let the landlord know about it. Criminal battery should be treated in the same way. There probably won’t be anything your landlord can actually do about it, but at least you’ll have alerted him/her to the problem. And violent abusers generally thrive on secrecy, getting away with things because their victim is too scared and/or ashamed to talk about it, and other people feel it’s “none of their business”. Let the authorities know about it, and the guy has lost at least some of his power to do this with impunity.
I second filing a complaint with the landlord. At the very least, it’s a noise disturbance, or damaging property.
Many states have laws which require the police to take into custody a perp of domestic violence–even if the victim refuses to press charges. I don’t know if your state has those laws or not, however, I’d bet your local abuse shelter would know.
Whatever you do, do not stop calling the police–do it at the very first noise of abuse (door slamming, something breaking, crying, shouting, etc.) If you wait, it’s usually too late by the time the police arrive. If they can catch the perp in the act, it makes hauling him off to jail a lot easier. Plus, you may be the only voice she has right about now.
From the cops’ perspective, it looks like another example of a victim refusing to press charges against an abuser and a concerned citizen calling the proper authorities like they should.
Let me get this straight: you’re hearing what sounds like abuse and are worried about calling the police? Don’t worry: they’d rather be called to an abuse situation than a death situation.
OTOH You might have been hearing an intense BDSM session…
I’m not worried about calling the police. I did it. But the underlying question is: isn’t there more I can do since she doesn’t seem to want help besides just calling the cops. I’m not resolved against continuing to call them, of course, if that is the extent of things I can do without creating an escalated situation (i.e. going down there myself). I feel helpless, too. It sucks hearing someone be abused, trying to help them, and not being able to. You feel like shit.
Thanks for the thoughts so far. I’ve wondered about telling the landlord–we’re a month to month place, no leases. But I guess what bothers me is: what if he boots him? How is this going to help her? So this chump goes and finds another place to live… with neighbors that might not even be willing to call the cops at all.
Please clarify. Does she live there? Also, have you seen any evidence of physical abuse… marks on her body? Or heard anything more than him shouting at her… like he’s punching her or throwing her around?
If he rented the place, and she moved in with him, and you called the landlord, the landlord is more likely to boot her out than him… not necessarily a bad thing, as it gets them apart, but something to consider.
I suggest calling a local abuse hotline, where you can likely find people familiar with local domestic violence laws.
I also suggest you try talking to her when he’s not around, and press her for an explanation of what’s happening. Try to convice her that tolerating his behavior is a bad idea, not to mention dangerous. And inform her that you will call the cops again, and every time, when you hear another similar scene.
And do that. If the police come to their door one night and she’s bleeding or bruised, they might take action, and you might save her life.
I second the advice you’ve already been given. Call a domestic abuse hotline and ask for their advice. They have, unfortunately, seen this situation thousands of times before, so their advice is likely to be better than what I can come up with.
Second, call the police non-emergency line (not 911). Ask them what they want you to do when you hear the abuse going on. I expect they’ll tell you: “Call us, even if you aren’t certain that what you’re hearing is abuse.” Do cops like domestic calls? No. Do they recognize the importance of what they’re doing? Yes. And they get just as frustrated as you when it seems that they can’t help the situation.
Third, call the landlord and let the landlord know that you’ve twice heard what appear to be [insert appropriate factual description here]. Don’t characterize – describe. Let the landlord know that you’re simply reporting, not expecting any action at this point.
Finally, recognize that you don’t really know what is going on up there. All you can do is act on what you do know – when you hear the noises, report. You don’t know what it will take to convince the woman that she can end the abuse – maybe it’s your call to the police or the landlord that will finally wake her up to her situation.
Good on you for caring enough even to make the call. Think of all the people out there who didn’t make the call and regretted it later.
OK, yeah, some clarification. One is, she doesn’t live there. The other is, it isn’t indeterminate noises that have me concerned; the couple upstairs was like that (great place I live in, isn’t it?) but I’m not going to complain just because someone likes to have heated arguments and storm around. I could hear what was being said besides having a good idea of what was actually happening, and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind–and believe me, I’m good at doubting–that what was going on both times was out-and-out abuse. That’s why I wondered if it would do any good to invite the police into my place, or to make a recording or something. It would be totally obvious to anyone who spent a minute listening. But I don’t know if that kind of evidence is admissable.
I did call a local hotline… she didn’t have a whole lot of advice that hasn’t also been mentioned here. In fact, I don’t think there was anything mentioned that wasn’t also suggested here. I asked her to mail me some pamphlets. If there’s a chance to strike, I might be able to slip them to the young woman below. Here’s hoping.
I doubt it would be. Even if it was admissable, it wouldn’t matter. IANAL but AFAIK, she has to press charges. Assault (I think that’s the relevant charge) isn’t prosecuted unless the victim presses charges.
Sorry to hear that the abuse hotline wasn’t helpful. I don’t know law in your jurisdiction, but you could also try calling the district attorney’s office and asking for their domestic abuse section.
As for recording their fight and playing it back for the police, I don’t know your evidence laws, but can’t think of why it wouldn’t be admissible. The issue isn’t admissibility, however, as you rightly recognize. It’s whether the recording (or even having the police listen in) will do any good – will it be a sufficient basis for the police to arrest the batterer. I don’t know the answer to that, because I think it turns on whether the victim has to press charges, or whether the cops can arrest first and sort it out later.
I’m back to the call the police or DA idea. They’ll know whether the victim must press charges or whether (as other states permit) the crime is one that as a matter of law does not require the victim’s cooperation to prosecute. (Whether her cooperation is required as a matter of fact is a different issue.)
Don’t laugh (ok, laugh), I’ve actually heard something like this. Screaming+moaning+breaking glass+crashing+slamming=one happy couple, at least as far as some of my neighbors are concerned.
I once called the police because the couple who lived in the apartment above me were going at it so loudly and seriously that I was afraid that someone was going to be killed. The woman was screaming “Somebody help me.” So I called the police, and the police came, and things quieted down.
After the police had left, the man and the woman from upstairs came down to see me. They told me in very believable terms that if I ever called the cops again, they would kill me. The woman seemed more angry about this than the man. What a sick relationship.
In my mind I try to tell myself, you give her a chance, she’ll take it
Chances are she won’t.
But the underlying question is: isn’t there more I can do since she doesn’t seem to want help besides just calling the cops.
No, not really. If they don’t want help there’s not a thing in the world you can do to save them. I’ve seen women who were given everything they needed, were doing well, and they’d STILL go crawling back to those scumbags.
I don’t “get” it, which is why I’m not well suited to work with DV victims. After a while it’s hard to have any kind of sympathy or patience with someone who keeps letting someone beat the hell out of them. Especially when their kids are getting beat on, too.
I’d talk to the landlord, keep calling the cops when he starts up, and tell the girl privately that my door is always open if she ever wants to get out. The cops are on a leash until she files charges, which nobody can make her do. When he finally does either kill her or seriously injure her, don’t blame yourself.
Domestic abuse is one of those things you should definately report and as likely as not, nothing good will come from it.
Way back when I was in high school, a friend and I were driving around and saw a man beating a woman at a gas station. He grabbed her by her hair and throw her against the gas pump, blood was running down the side of her face.
We went to the nearest phone about a half block away, called police and waited to see what would happen. By the time the police came, the couple had “made up”.
After the policeman visited with the couple a few minutes, he drove over to us, told us it was none of our business, to keep our nose out of it and don’t bother the department with such reports.
I will never report to police such matters again. However, if I happen to have a baseball bat, I might take matters into my own hands.
I had a couple that did the same things in the apartment above mine. The first time I heard crying and screaming, but I didn’t want to call the police. They came out since someone else called, and I had to pass by the apartment to get my mail before work that day, and the cops asked if I had heard anything. I replied in the affirmative. Several months later we moved to a different apartment on the same floor as this couple, and the cops again came out one day, and led the guy away in handcuffs. Shortly thereafter, there was an eviction notice on the apartment door.
So I say, keep calling the police, that’s what they are for. It’s not up to you (not that you are even able to) judge the situation. However, I lived in a suburb with a relatively low crime rate, so that may be different than your local metro area.
Not necessarily true. In NYC, an incident of domestic assault will be prosecuted whether or not the victim is cooperative, as long as there is enough other evidence.
