What IS it with kids and their radar?

I’ve been under the weather all day, but I have to work tonight. I’ve been in bed for the last three hours, awake, watching TV.

My nine-year-old has had complete access to me. My door is open. My eyes have been open.

I got up out of bed to go to the bathroom, and guess what? knock-knock-knock



“Um, next time you go to the store, can you get popcorn?”

“I guess.”

It’s like a little alarm goes off in their heads that causes them to come up with the strangest questions that must be answered as soon as you sit down on the toilet.

The one that gets me is the restaurant induced bowel movement. Every, single time we go out to dinner. Within five minutes after being seated (usually, just after my icy cold beer in the frosty glass has been delivered): “Dad, I really, really, really need to go, right now!” (He’s 4.) So I wait in a smelly restaurant restroom, waiting to wipe a 4 year old’s butt, while the frosty goodness of my beer drips all over the table.

My son, age 2 and a half has “Mommy might be getting some” radar. Rarely ever fails. The nights I sleep alone… he sleeps in his own bed. Through the whole night. When my boyfriend stays over… it depends. If we stay up talking till “Og, I have to be up in 4 hours, lets get some sleep” my darling son sleeps peacefully through the night. But if it even looks like Im going to actually have sex that night… (and we could be downstairs, just kissing at this juncture) he’s awake. Wants water. Wants a car ride. Needs to be cozy, with Mommy. Wants to play trains with my boyfriend. Walked into my bedroom one night catching us in the act, and announced "Need going Park with Mommy and (boyfriends name) . Need ice cream. "

Of course if we do actually manage to have sex, uninterupted, we get the son crawling into bed between us sometime around 4 a.m. Yay.

My son’s deepest fear is that somewhere, someone is having fun and not including him.

My last ex’s son was just like this. It was trying, to say the least. I think I broke some Olympic records for speed dressing. Where’s my freakin’ medal?

Funny, when I was a kid, it was my mom who had the radar. She never wanted me to do anything when I was up moving around, but the moment I settled down and got comfortable, that’s when she realized that I needed to take the trash out (not 15 minutes ago when I walked past her in the kitchen).

Tuckerfan, your Mom’s related to mine. Mine has been known to call me to bring something that’s less than two yards away (or toss something into a less-than-two-yards-away trashcan) while I was:

  • asleep,
  • in the shower,
  • in the can,
  • studying
    for all kinds of things, including college finals
  • preparing my dissertation’s defense
  • helping a bro with his homework
  • cooking lunch
    and she very well knew it.

Jolly old fun. In her house we can’t really hear well from one room to another, in mine we can, so now when she’s in my house she has to state why in heaven’s name should I come running, instead of just yelling my name at the top of her lungs. Nothing’s on fire? OK, either you can wait until I happen to come by, you can explain what you need so I can judge how urgent it is compared with what I’m doing, or you can get off your ass and do it yourself. In her house, when she says I’m free for X time, I ignore any hollering until said time passes.