B (age 18) has a habit of being disrespectful. One day she uses E’s property without permission and doesn’t return it promptly. E (age 35) calls B on it, and B returns it immediately with snide remarks. This is not the first incident like this, and a verbal battle ensues. B & E cease contact and have not spoken since. 2 years pass and now B’s car is broken down and can’t be fixed for a month or so. E has a spare set of wheels which could be lent to B.
Relationship between B and E need to be clarified. If parent/child, then compassion. If more distantly related, consequences.
The quality of mercy is not strayn’d, and all that.
…Unless there are other extenuating circumstances.
We taught our kids that actions have consequences. Kids, teens, and even young adults tend to push things until something “happens”. The sooner that they learn that certain actions can have adverse consequences, the better. It hopefully keeps them from doing something really, really stupid. It also teaches them how to deal with such adverse consequences.
Many of today’s kids are protected from their actions. My daughter taught high school in two different school systems. In one the parents would chew out the teacher if their snowflake was failing (especially if it got them kicked of a sports team). At the other the parents would discuss with the teachers if their kid was getting a C in a course and take corrective actions with their kids. Guess which school system has the most successful graduates?
Don’t want to derail the OP but just curious, did the moms have those “I’d like to speak to the manager” haircuts? 
It’s up to B to apologize, make amends, mend fences, etc. The mercy would be in allowing her to do so.
Is E a parent? E should be teaching their own kid about the consequences of their actions, insisting on an apology, and then loaning the car anyway. But I can’t see E being a parent, since they haven’t spoken for two years. If they haven’t spoken for two years, where does B even get off thinking that E’s car might work out for B?
Let’s sum up. Not only do you use my property without permission, you don’t return it right away, AND you are snarky when I ask for it back? Honestly I’d never loan you anything again. You have proven you are completely unreliable.
If it’s your kid, you need to teach both, but consequences have to be taught first. Not for moral reasons or anything; just because there’s no way to understand exceptions to the action-and-consequences rule until you’ve got a grip on the rule itself.
If B had shown any sign of having learned about consequences (‘I’m sorry I did that, I get why you were angry and I get why you won’t let me near your stuff any more’) then I’d say it was time to move on to the compassion part. Seeing as she doesn’t seem to have grasped Step 1 yet, though, I wouldn’t move on to Step 2, not for this. If it was a kidney, then yeah, compassion. But having a car isn’t actually a necessity of life, specially not for a teenager.
If E isn’t the parent, then teaching the kid lessons isn’t really her problem, so she should do whatever she feels like doing.
If B had done anything over that two year stretch to make amends, maybe. As described, it sounds like E (rightly) figured out it was time to cut losses and did so. Not E’s problem anymore.
Tough shit kid. I’m betting B ended up in this position because E showed her too much mercy in the past.
Too right you are.
Because some think it matters, E is the stepmom. There’s a lot to this story, but I’m cutting back on the sharing these days–thank me. Just sounding out the teeming millions for general opinions. Personally I see no reason to treat B as anything other than any other adult at this point (so I lean toward ‘tough shit kid’ until she decides to extend the olive branch), but I don’t often know when I’m just being a jerk.
Stepmom and kid haven’t talked to each other in two years? I presume they don’t live in the same house?
Right.
What does the kid’s mom and dad say? In the end, the “kid” is truly an adult now. Does B have any awareness that what she did was wrong? Has E ever told her, or any other adult figure? In the end, it’s a sad situation.
If the relationship is worth having, E might consider loaning B the car, but not without some ground rules and expectations and undrestanding that the past ought not repeat itself.
One might give E the benefit of the doubt that two years have caused her to mature a bit. Unless E hasn’t matured. In which case I blame my lack of cynicism on severe lack of sleep.
This is way too complicated of an issue for a simple binary solution.
In terms of mercy, what B did at 18 may have been bad, but 18 to 20 can be a lifetime in terms of changes. Are there any changes? Is anyone interested in making changes? I wouldn’t expect change to come overnight, but if the relationship is cut off, there’s no way to make incremental progress toward a solution. I don’t see why mercy needs to go from “Yesterday we weren’t talking. Today, here’s a car.”
B can be helped without E loaning a car. Rental cars, bikes, bus passes, extra money for repairs, a ride to important meetings, whatever fits the situation. There are options that would allow help to be given without repeating or ignoring the mistakes of the past. Furthermore, these options could allow for a gradual restoration of trust, not an all-in gamble on a car.
We’re not hearing about B returning as the prodigal step-daughter. Only the OP has the details, but it’s such a common story I doubt this one is any different. The girl could show up apologetic, say she’s learned her lesson, provide a plan for how she’ll be responsible and grateful in the future, and then just do it all again, but she’s not even putting in that effort.
Do this. The kid will get sick of it soon enough.
My parents have given me a lot of undeserved help throughout my life. Most the time, the only result has been to enable destructive and self-destructive behavior.
On the occasions that they have gotten it right, though, it has been by ensuring that I didn’t sink, but still making the help so uncomfortable for me that it’s a pain in the ass to accept it. Like, instead of bailing me out with money for rent every month, they would let me stay in their house. You can bet that the latter is a better motivator for me to sort my financial woes out than the former.
If it’s worth it to you, that is, and if you think that the punishment fits the crime. Sometimes a bit of unconditional love isn’t a bad thing, especially if it doesn’t actually cost you anything. I can assure you that there’s a whole world out there that is busy kicking the kid in the face, even if you don’t.
Right, I think all we know is that no olive branch has been extended. Even if it had, I think it would be a mistake to jump to either extreme in the poll. Trust has to be earned, and doing so requires both an opportunity (thus, the appropriateness for some level of mercy) and the time to prove it (thus, looking for better options than loaning a car right now).
The only parenting promise I ever made was that I’d always have a safe place for my kids to crash, even if we got sideways with each other. This still stands.
B is my daughter. When she decided she’d had enough of E sticking up for herself and calling her out for being a selfish brat, B went to live with mom, about 3 miles away. She treats mom like crap, too, but that’s not my battle to fight anymore. I have a tepid relationship with B, we’re both busy enough with work that we don’t see much of each other. I recently tried to get lunch with her on her birthday but she stood me up (“forgot”). Which is fairly typical of her. But now she has a problem, dear-old-dad is who she goes to. As noted above, my instinct is to let her dangle. If she were ever in danger of being homeless, I’d scoop her up and give her some very conditional housing but that’s not in the cards as long as her mom is around.
There’s more, but it boils down to: ever since she was about 14, B has been a disrespectful brat and has been given many chances to choose between being respectful or predatory. To this day she remains accountable only to herself and is only approachable when she wants something. It is very important to me to find the balance between being vindictive, which I see as only destructive; and overly forgiving, which teaches nothing about consequences.