“It’s good to help people. But don’t help them too much.” - my stepfather
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make unhappiness a lot more pleasant.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent it.
“If it doesn’t fit, force it.”
Not necessarily good advice, but advice I’ve taken more than once. 
“The only way to avoid temptation is to avoid temptation”
I know this, I believe this, I repeat this. Now if only I could LIVE it, lol!
From my father: “Just f***ing google it!”
Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.
Which reminds me of another great Twain quote:
“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.”
Two variations on the above:
“Don’t force it; use a larger hammer.”
“If it doesn’t fit, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.”
Learn how to trade derivatives.
Accepted dream job in Chicago last week.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy comfort.”
I wish I’d caught on to this earlier in life. It took me many years to figure out that comfort and *happiness *are not the same thing. I wasn’t hooked on money, though-- I was hooked on drugs. Drugs can definitely provide comfort, excitement, relaxation, and even fun…but never happiness.
“Safety First!”
Two pearls of wisdom from my parents:
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If you want crumbed steak, crumb it yourself. They use crumbing as a way to sell meat that’s turning green.
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Don’t move from a place, but to a place. If you move from a place, your demons travel with you. Deal with the demons, THEN move.
“Everything in your life is usefel if you know when to use it.”
I file everything away in my brain. I can bring out things from 20 years ago if need be.
Another favorite from Twain:
"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
Don’t take anyone’s advice.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
“Always use a condom, y’hear? Women have hormones, too.”
Thanks, Gramps. (I mean it. Thank you, gramps.)
Life isn’t fair.
Knowledge is power.
Pain is inevitable; happiness is optional.
Always contribute to your 401K. -Dad
StG