ClairificC reminded me of a doozy. I make glass-bead jewelry and sell it at summer fairs and festivals. Often I am making things at my table while I sit there, either custom pieces for people or just adding to my inventory. One day I had three or four pairs of earrings going when a man came around trying to sign up vendors for his flea market. As I sat there working, he complimented me on my displays and jewelry. Then he dropped this boner:
“But you don’t actually MAKE all this stuff YOURSELF!”
I looked at him and slowly raised the item I was working on at that exact moment – earring in one hand, pliers in the other – and succeeded in making him feel like an utter maroon.
No, doofus. I’m just the troll that sits in this booth, in place of the delicate but absent artist.
I didn’t sign up for his junky flea market, either.
I can’t think of any…maybe all my friends are smart.
Except me.
I called a church a few weeks ago. Its a bit away, and I asked if there were any locals who could drive us.
There was!
So, we’re in her car, I ask her how she found the church.
Then I say, “Do you live near the church?”
Duh!
She lives near me, thats how she could drive us.
Sheesh!
I’m gettin old.
The other day, I heard a classmate talking about how rude the Wings guy was when she called to make an order.
Her: I was like, what’s the difference between chicken wings and buffalo wings? And he’s like “Well, you see chicken wings come from chickens and buffalo wings come from buffalos.” I told him, what? I’m pretty sure it has to do with flavoring!!
Also, I went out to lunch at IHOP with my brother a couple months ago, and our conversation turned to religion (I’m an athiest and he’s christian). The exchange went like this…
Me: But how do you know god even exists?
Him: I pray for things and he gives them to me.
Me:(confused) …? He gives you things?
Him: yeah…
Me: Like what?
Him: Just ordinary things!
Me: Give me an example!
Him: I prayed the other day for a good grade on my math exam and I got one.
Me: What!? How do you know god did that? And don’t you think he would have better things to do than grant good grades on math exams??
Him: You have such a closed mind… let’s just drop it.
When I was in music school, I was riding the bus home one day and studying some sheet music. A lady on the bus started talking to me about music. She said “You know they don’t even use real instruments anymore, everything is done on syncumsizers (spelling approximate)”.
Teacher:“The moon was formed several billion years ago - we’re not sure if it was a chunk of the earth that broke off, or perhaps some asteroids coming together…”
Moron: “Well, why didn’t people just take pictures?”
A few of us were talking about what age we imagine ourselves. (we’re college freshmen and sophomores, just for reference.) A friend of mine said she’ll probably think of herself as 17 forever because, “I was seventeen for, like, a year, and…”
She didn’t get the rest out. I turned to the friend to my right, and he turned toward me, and we let out a collective scream, because too many sarcastic comments came flooding into our heads at once.
That’s pretty painful, if you’ve ever experienced it.
A friend of mine, getting really angry at his brother: “If you want to die, die!”
A very lazy relative of mine asking me to do some simple thing for her “If you don’t do this I’ll have to do it myself!”
And, the king: A business associate of my father was insulted when my father said that he (the associate) and leadership were an oxymoron. The man actually called my father up and demanded an apology for being called an “oxmoron.” We had a good time reading the dictionary to him.
I have a friend named Shane. We were at my brother’s house getting ready to go out. A few other friends were playing Nintendo. Shane kept urging these guys to stop playing so we could leave.
Someone said, (for about the tenth time), “Let’s go, Shane!”
Shane replied, “I’m trying, but these guys (motioning to those playing Nintendo) are hooked on phonics!”
Back in college, I took a comparative theology course. One day the class was having a discussion of the differences between Catholicism and the Protestant denominations. One of the dimmer classmates asked, “Do Catholics believe in Jesus?”
My fiance Joule once lived upstairs from a couple who were both very dumb (though I think he was dumber than she). And liked to argue.
One time, they debated quite loudly and at great length (and quite seriously) whether the Earth revolved around the Sun or the Sun revolved around the Earth. I think he championed geocentrism because he remembered it that way from his high school science class.
Another time, they argued for quite a while whether a bra was underwear or not. He had accused her of leaving the house without underwear, and she had replied that she was wearing underwear: a bra.
My SO’s cousin’s boyfriend from Boston, staying with us in Dublin. He’s a great supporter of Noraid, says “I’m Irish” all the time, etc. - looking at a map of Northern Europe. Points to two islands:
He: “What are they?”
Me: “That’s Ireland and Britain.”
He: “Oh, I never new that… Where’s Scotland then?”
Me: “That bit at the top of Britain. And that bit there’s Wales.”
He: “Holy shit! You mean you can drive from Scotland to Wales, through England!?!??!”
Me: “Yup.”
He: (looking back at the map) “So where’s Australia, then…?”
Later on in the pub, he took delight in telling Irish friends that they could drive from Scotland to England.
If you have an even distribution of sick days, then you’re going to get a 1/5 chance of someone being out sick on any given working day. That’s 20%. And two 20%s are 40%. Hence the joke.