Overheard before a 100 level history course midterm exam:
Procter: “If you need an extra blue book, please raise your hand.”
Bimbo 1 of 2 (sitting behind me): “Yeah, right!”
Bimbo 2 of 2: “Yeah, everything I know couldn’t fill a blue book!”
I couldn’t contain myself. I think they were confused as to why I was laughing, though.
If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me!
-by a parent arguing against our high school having a second language requirement.
I have a dear co-worker, sunny disposition…and I don’t think she realizes what she says sometimes until after she says it. A few to note:
When is Friday the 13th?
Christmas shouldn’t happen during the holidays. It’s just too stressful.
(Eating lunch at a nice restaurant) This is so good it doesn’t need ketchup!
(I received via e-mail a recipe for fried catfish. I called aloud to see if my co-workers anyone liked catfish so I could forward the recipe to them.)
Me: Anybody like catfish?
Her: To eat or as a pet?
Feeding ducks at the local duck pond, two girls around the age of 12 were trying to capture one of the aforementioned ducks.
Girl 1, when duck wouldn’t go near her, “stupid duck”.
Girl 1, when duck flew away from her in fear “I didn’t know ducks could fly!”.
The logical straight-face answer to this question:
“Yes, Shelli, but they’ll have to go at night.”
I remember that. They were accusing people of smoking Marlboros then hanging them. 
I was planning a trip to England in July and my cousin’s ex–bless his heart–said, “what do they do over there for the 4th?”
That’s what I thought. I especially thought it was funny when she had a pregnancy scare just a few weeks later. She probably would have thought she was giving birth to the messiah.:rolleyes:
In a restaurant:
“What the hell is Ass Pear Oggis?”
“What?”
“Third one down.”
“You mean asparagus?”
My cousin rejecting a girl who wouldn’t stop asking him out:
“I can’t go out with you because my car is out of turn signal fluid.”
“Oh my god! How do you turn the car?”
My sister while reading the TV Guide:
“What does TBA mean?”
“To Be Announced”
5 minutes later
“That show, TBA, what’s that about?”
Random chick at a bar discussing handicapped accessibility:
“And you know, the DMV doesn’t put the driver’s manual in braille either.”
One day at my old job I walked past my boss (the engineer who needed help to resize a window on his desktop) as he was standing there talking to a group of my co-workers, just in time to hear him say, “You see, down in Mexico, everyone’s a Mexican!” I had to stop and back up and ask him if he had really said that.
A classmate of mine in the 8th grade asked, “Uhh, Mr. Duquette, who won the Civil War again?”
When Fred Barnes was told people thought Fox News’s morning show was biased because it had him and two moderates he said, “Well, we have a conservative and two non-conservatives. That’s pretty balanced.”
[Note, this is what I said in my first post ever, deleted in The Winter of Our Missed Content, glad to have it back on here for all to see.]
Finally, “If it hadn’t been for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college…”
Yesterday on the news, I heard the TV news reporter say “hispanic-speaking people” instead of “Spanish-speaking people”. It’s not the dumbest thing but it made me laugh.
Just yesterday I was told…
“You should make me be your friend.”
I don’t know whether it was depressingly stupid or screamingly funny, though.
I’ve posted this before, but what the hey. Overheard in Blockbuster’s Video; girl to boyfriend; “This video says it’s in widescreen format, but we don’t have a widescreen tv. Can we watch this?” (cut to shot of Jim and I scampering away so we can have a good long laugh).
My younger sister went through a phase where she was always getting her head stuck in things (okay, looking at that, it seems a little odd already), and her excuse for getting her head caught was that “she didn’t know where it was!” She also thought that one piece of clothing was a clo (clothes - pronounced close, you know?) In her defense, I used to think that magician and musician were the same word, and I couldn’t figure out how people would know which one they were talking about.
A couple of weekends ago, I was in a drive-through at Sneaky Pete’s (a hot-dog stand, for those of you unaware). I hate drive-throughs, because I have a hard time mentally juggling the orders of three or more people. My wife had asked for two Sneaky Petes without onions, and my stepson wanted a plain hotdog. So when I pull up to the window, I say “I’d like two Sneaky Petes without hotdogs, a plain hotdog … wait a minute. Let me start over.” I get the order right this time, and the person on the other end of the speaker says, “Okay, I’ve got two Sneaky Petes without hotdogs, and you’ll have to repeat the rest because we were laughing too hard to hear you.”
Darn you! I read through this whole thread hoping to be the first person to post that quote.
My mom heard this gem on Oprah once:
“Homosexuals absolutely disgust me, and I think they should be sent to an island, where there are no women, so they can’t reproduce.”
A guy in a chat room once said, just out of the blue:
“d00d there r jews in here i smell gasssssss”
I never did figure that one out.
We adopted my son from Korea. He was 6 months old when he came home. I was interviewing daycares and explaining the situation to them:
Daycare worker: “So, he won’t speak English?”
Me: “No, do you guys have a lot of six month old babies that speak English?”
When I went on a monthlong study abroad trip to Greece this past summer, there were a couple of real gems in our six-person group. The one – a classic blonde with wide blue eyes with a permanent deer-in-the-headlights look to them – we christened “Her Vapidness.” There were a lot of stories to go along with Her Vapidness – like her inviting a random troupe of American students back to her hotel room to party one night – but my absolute favourite happened towards the end of the trip, when we were in Athens. Another of the girls on the trip had heard that an Italian opera was being performed at the Odeion of Herodes Atticus while we were there, and had asked around if anyone wanted to go with her. Her Vapidness initially said that she wanted to. A couple of days later, the following exchange happened:
Girl: “So, H.V., we have to go buy tickets for the opera today.”
H.V.: “yeah, well, you know… I was talking to someone on the Metro? And they said it wasn’t very good.”
Girl: “Oh.”
H.V.: “And besides, it’s in Italian.”
This was said utterly solemnly, as if she had no idea that an opera might actually be presented in a foreign language. By now, I was so sick of her that I just laughed outright when I heard this crap. Totally unreal.
How is this stupid? I have a catfish for a pet, and so does my sister. They’re cool (although, yes, the bigger kinds are also delicious).