I usually just tell them no thanks, I’m Catholic and when they offer me some of their tracts I refuse.
One time I must’ve given them the impression of interest though (I was a teenager, being polite), for I had the same two women show up on my Grandma’s doorstep for a couple weeks until I finally told them flat out no thanks.
“No thanks, have a nice day.” I find that works with most JWs and Mormons. Everyone’s full of oh-so-hilarious things to do, but I find these just about as useful as all the suggestions people will give on “how to get out of being on a jury”.
My girlfriend, on the other hand, likes to discuss/debate with them. The last time, the JWs who came to the door were both black – she pointed out that the Bible says that slaves should obey their masters (that whacky Paul!).
They left a flier under our mat awhile back about some upcoming JW convention. I kept it because the picture of Jesus made him look almost exactly like the Brawny paper towel man.
I love Jehovah Witnesses! One day while bored I mocked up some religious pamphlets based on Durdenism (the teachings of Tyler Durden in Fight Club). I tell ya, I got a whole spiel I can launch into for about 20 minutes, quoting passages from memory.
“Oh, you have some literature for me? Ok, but first I’d like to tell you a little about Tyler. Did you know that on a long enough time scale, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero, and without accepting the great Mr. Durden into your heart you cannot be saved? Can I get a praise Tyler? PRAISE TYLER!” etc. etc.
They are usually gone pretty quick.
I’ve found that works. I have used it on door-to-door missionary types, not sure if they were JWs.
“No thank you.”
“… I said, no thank you.”
“… Okay, look, let me put it like this. If you really want a debate on this subject, you need to know in advance that it’s far more likely that it will end up with your spirituality being changed than mine. Are you really sure you want to proceed?”
“… All right, fine, if you insist. But I’m going to need a hair sample before we begin.”
“… It’s a necessary ingredient for casting the mind-control spell.”
“… Okay, have a nice day.”
I first started lurking on the Dope after being witnessed by JW’s in order to bone up on my pro-evolution debating skills. Now, I always try to convert them to atheism. I haven’t really convinced any of them yet, but I’m still working on it. I now seem to be on their “Do Not Call” list, as the last time they came by, they just dropped off literature rather than engaging me in a conversation. I guess I have won in some sort of fashion.
You could try my mom’s old technique: send your young child to the door to say “My mommy’s not home right now” over and over until they quit coming (or possibly call CPS).
These days I stick with a polite “I’m not interested, thank you.” Repeat until they leave. It works very nicely.
Some years back, my sister was being hounded by Baptists after having gone to a picnic at their church. It was a new church in town and she’d been curious and wanted to check it out, but had filled in some sort of guest book or some such, so that members of the congregation came looking for her later on to try to see if she’d be interested in returning. My sister had become LDS several years before this–mainly because she couldn’t tell those missionaries to go away, either–and couldn’t make the nice Baptist ladies accept her non-interest. I happened to be coming out of her house during all of this, having dropped something off for the kids. The women from the church asked me if I was a believer and I said, yes I was, baptized as a member of the Bethany Baptist Church over on Wyoming Street, praise Jesus!
As I’m quite the heathen, this caused my sister’s jaw to drop but, hey, I was the one who walked away without getting harassed any further, wasn’t I? It left everyone quite happy and no one was insulted.
Another time, there were two young Mormon missionaries who were trying very hard to convert me and I was polite and enjoyed discussing religion, so they really thought they had a chance with me and kept coming back over and over again. Finally, I had to put an end to it and gently explaining to them that, frankly, their religion didn’t fit my lifestyle. They didn’t ask what my lifestyle was. They just seemed kind of frustrated and never came back.
Another time, it was JW who were very persistent. I’d tried the polite “lifestyle” thing and they just tried all the harder to save me. So the next time they came to my door, I threw my hands into the air and screamed, “NO CATS!”
I’ve never seen them again.
So, there are lots and lots of ways to get rid of persistent religious folk. I’ve only had to be outright rude the one time.
You speak the gospel- being Jewish works like a charm.
I’ve tried being nice but I gave that up for Lent.
They would always show up around 10am on a Saturday. Being that I have been used to working nights for a long time I do not get up early on my day off so I’d either still be sleeping or barely awake. Someone coming to my home whom I am not expecting scares the shit out of me. They would come at least once a month. I would repeatedly tell them I wasn’t interested and I do not appreciate strangers coming to my home and no, I do not want any pamphlets. I’d usually have to repeat this and add that I work late and do not appreciate being awakened early in MY HOME! Often they’d leave the pamphlets anyway and I’d throw them out. One time I left a shredded and mangled pamphlet on top of my mailbox for over a month to send them a message, but it didn’t work because they came back.
The next time they’d be more insistent, I’d be less polite. I would again tell them that I do not appreciate strangers coming to my home, especially early in the morning. Repeat a few times. Would I take some pamphlets? No! Do not leave it I will throw it out and I hate insulting Mother Nature by wasting paper. I caught one leaving a pamphlet and snatched it up before they were out of the yard and went out the door yelling that I said not to leave that crap and tossed it into the garbage can.
Finally I told them that I did not like to be rude but I do not like being bothered in my home, I was not interested and I did not appreciate their visits. I asked for the name, number and address of someone I could contact to ask their zealots to stop harassing me in my home, my sanctuary. I asked for their home addresses so I could visit them at some inconvenient hour and see how they like it. What? You don’t want a stranger coming to your home? NEITHER DO I! I asked them to leave or I would call the police because they were trespassing and harassing me. Finally they agreed to put me on a do not visit list.
A few wonderful months went by and lo and behold another visit! I happened to be wearing a pair of Beevis and Butthead Boxer shorts, a very thin tank top and no bra, you could see nippleage and I didn’t care, I didn’t bother to cover up and answered the door as I was. I mussed my hair up a little extra for good measure. I told them they had promised not to visit me anymore and I was quite annoyed. They took one look at me and apologized and left and I have not been visited since.
So the secret is Beevis and Butthead boxer shorts and nippleage.
or a sword would work too.
Can I interest you in some literature?
“God is dead! Nietszche told me so!”
(Real answer: “No, thank you, but have a nice day,” and shut the door.)
I always scrunch up my eyebrows in the biggest grumpy-pants face I can manage and bark “WE’RE CATHOLIC” We’re (well, the royal we) aren’t catholic, but atheist. But it’s fun nonetheless.
What answers didn’t he have?
How many of you who respond politely get repeat calls? Perhaps they think you are a prospect - I’m sure they don’t expect to convert anyone on the first try.
To them, I was polite, and truthful. I went Kinky Friedman on the Baptists who kept trying after I told them I was Jewish. That prevented repeat visits also.
My old place was almost right next door to the regional JH HQ. They came by once in a while, but not very frequently (I got maybe 4-5 visits in the 2 years and change that I lived there). Just a “Sorry, thanks, but I’m not interested” got them to leave with no hard feelings. Now, whether this was because of considerateness on their part or just because they were completely unprepared for a non-Japanese to open the door, I don’t know.
One of my friends dealt with an unwanted visitor (I can’t remember if they were selling religion or magazine subscriptions) by pretending not to be able to speak Japanese. The next week they came back with someone who could speak English, so he began speaking Swedish (his native language). They left baffled, and never came back.
Why would you try to be polite to someone who won’t take “no” for an answer?
“May I have your address and phone number? I sell insurance.”
I’m Jewish, and I’ve found that to many evangelical Christians, that just means “bonus points”.
I just say “No, thank you” and close the door.
Sunday Morning. Me in my bathrobe answering the knock, hung over as hell. Open door. See pair with copies of “Awake!”. Yes, I flashed them my weener. As they beat it down the hallway I yelled “I guess your vision is ok, so why didn’t you see the No Solicitors sign!” They threw some propaganda in the laundry room as they made the bend to the door leading to the street. For a fat older couple, they were amazingly agile. 
Yes, I would do it again.