What is the "statute of limitations" for expressing condolences for someone's loss of a loved one?

[doreen]

@ThelmaLou

Why does that seem weird? Serious question?

I guess because if my father passed away six years ago and they’re just expressing their condolences now, it sort of suggests that either they met me more recently than six years ago or they aren’t close enough to me to have found out much closer in time to the event. Both of which sort of imply that they don’t know whether or how much of a loss it was or wasn’t for me. And I should add, this is not coming up as a result of me saying anything to the effect of " I miss my father", “it would have been his X birthday”, “he’s been gone Y years now”. I don’t ever say those things. It comes up when someone else mentions something that suggests they think my father is still alive - they ask whether I’m visiting my father for Father’s Day or some such thing. I assume you’d think it was odd if someone told me they were sorry for my loss of my grandfather who died nearly 50 years ago who I barely remember - but that’s really only a matter of degree

[Beckdawrek]

@nelliebly

This is a timely thread. My mother’s birthday was Thursday. She’s been gone almost 10 years, but I still get teary-eyed. My dad’s birthday is next month, and that’ll be bittersweet, too, even though he’s been gone far longer. I was blessed with wonderful parents who were vivid and beloved presences in my and my siblings’ lives, and I’ll always miss them.

Of course I don’t expect someone to say, “I’m sorry for your loss” every time I mention my mom’s or dad’s death. The first time is enough. If someone says something like, “My dad’s been gone 15 years now,” I don’t say “I’m sorry for your loss.” I say, “I’m sorry.” Or just look sympathetic and say, “Mm.” The latter is also what I do when someone mentions a parent’s death and I’ve already said, “i’m so sorry.”

If the person says, “Meh, it’s been a long time now” or “Happiest day of my life was when he kicked the bucket,” I just say, “Sure.”

It’s not a matter of rules so much as it is about reading people.

So sweet. Can’t tell you how much this helped me.
Today on this holiday (as with all holidays), I miss Daddy in a more profound way. He woulda been bopping around cooking and playing with the grandkids. He loved, loved his grandkids and was especially close to my kids. I miss that Man everyday but it’s harder on Easter. My Mother died on an Easter Sunday when we kids were really young. He we everything, to me.
Thanks Nellie.

[Helena330]

@doreen

I think there’s a difference between condolences and sharing memories. Sharing memories of a person you’ve known is appropriate , and even saying “I’m sorry, I didn’t know” is OK for someone who actually knew the deceased but who you don’t see often, but every now and then someone who doesn’t know any of my family will find out my father died six years ago and say " I’m sorry" for your loss." That just seems weird.

I’ll take it any time. It’s the thought, not the words. So many people already have trouble dealing with someone else’s grief that I’m not about to shut anyone down for any kindness they might offer.

[nelliebly]

@ThelmaLou

What a lovely thing to say about your parents. I’m sorry they are gone. You were indeed blessed.

Thank you. The older I get, the more blessed I feel, as I’ve met more and more people who weren’t so lucky. I may not have felt blessed from time to time as a teen, but I have ever since. Every honor and award I got, I thought of as a small repayment to my parents for all they did for me. I miss them daily.

[nelliebly]

@Beckdawrek

So sweet. Can’t tell you how much this helped me.
Today on this holiday (as with all holidays), I miss Daddy in a more profound way. He woulda been bopping around cooking and playing with the grandkids. He loved, loved his grandkids and was especially close to my kids. I miss that Man everyday but it’s harder on Easter. My Mother died on an Easter Sunday when we kids were really young. He we everything, to me.
Thanks Nellie.

Oh, what a wonderful man! I can see why you’d miss him so much. And to do such a wonderful job parenting even though he’d suffered the devastating loss of his spouse–well, hats off to him.

I almost started a thread on Mom’s birthday on whether others feel the loss of their parents so deeply after many years. I can see now I’m not alone. Mom’s mother died when Mom was 35. When Mom was 70, she got in a fender-bender on the freeway. She told me, “All I could think was I wanted my mother.” It still makes me teary. This probably sounds weird and sappy, but as Mom aged (She lived to 89.), I used to mentally reassure HER long-gone mother that we kids were taking care of her girl, our mom.

Big hugs, Beck.

[hajario]

I will add a different perspective. My Dad died nearly two years ago. I won’t bore you with the details but he was not a kind man and I have very few good memories. I was ambivalent when he died. The only thing that made me sad was that my sisters were sad. It’s a blessing to have had a parent that you miss so much, as you all know.

So, when people tell me they are sorry for my loss, I know that they mean well. At first I told people not to feel sorry for me but that gets awkward and isn’t really appropriate so I just thank them.

We had a Passover Seder last night and the family insisted that I sit in his chair and run it. That was a little eerie at first but ultimately not a big deal.

[doreen]

@Helena330

I’ll take it any time. It’s the thought, not the words. So many people already have trouble dealing with someone else’s grief that I’m not about to shut anyone down for any kindness they might offer.

I don’t shut anyone down or tell them I think it’s weird if they say they are sorry for my loss- but if someone mentioned that their father/mother/sister died 30 years ago, it wouldn’t occur to me to offer my condolences

[Kent_Clark]

The statute of limitations for expressing condolences is when you learn of the loss. If you’re talking to a neighbor whose father you never met, and the neighbor says something like, “When my father was still alive…” it’s perfectly okay to say something like, “Your father sounds like a great guy. I’m sorry I never met him.”

[BigT]

I personally think “I’m sorry for your loss” is appropriate when it’s the first time you’ve learned of it, and they are clearly sad when they talk about it. Condolences are about making the other person feel good, so why shouldn’t it depend on how they feel, rather than some artificial time restraint?

[Ann_Hedonia]

As I’m reading this thread, I’m thinking about something that happened to me once.

I’m on a plane, returning from a great vacation. I’m rested and tanned and in a really great mood. The guy in the seat next to me is gorgeous. And he’s the kind of person that likes to talk. So am I, especially when attractive men are involved. Don’t worry, I’m respectful of your space and if you are next to me on a plane I won’t say a word. Unless you start it first. But I like making conversation with strangers.

This is happening shortly after a time in my life when I’d had a lot of loss. And it just kept coming up in this conversation, in a way I couldn’t dodge (except by lying, I guess And it never occurred to me to lie.). So the subject turns to fathers ( mine died ), sisters ( mine died) fiancés ( mine died). And this guy just keeps on being sorry for my losses while I keep trying to talk about lighter things. But the whole thing was weird, and it left me feeling like there was some sort of curse hanging over my head,