What is the "statute of limitations" for expressing condolences for someone's loss of a loved one?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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If I am talking to someone and they say that their father, for example, passed away last month, I will almost reflexively say, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Today, a neighbor was talking about losing his father in 2014 and my wife said the same thing. When talking to her later, I thought it was an odd thing to say. I mean, that is now five years ago and surely the guy is not still in mourning. I mean, sure, he likely misses his father as I do (mine passed away in 2008) but after a certain period of time, you no longer expect condolences.

So what is the appropriate length of time? 1 year? 2 years? 5 years?

I vote 1 year unless the person seems upset while talking about it. Even then after a certain period of time, condolences are no longer appropriate. If a guy is still crying over losing his father from 1997, then I would refer him to a doctor or counselor instead of offering my own sympathy. Thoughts?

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There isn’t any. A year or two or three after a major loss is just a drop in the bucket, believe me. There is no time after which condolences are no longer appropriate. Sadly, at some point in your life, you are likely to find this out (we all do, sooner or later) and you will probably want to eat your words. I did when I found out. I judged people who were “still grieving” after what I thought was too long. And I wanted to refer them to therapy, too.

You probably wouldn’t say the standard, “I’m sorry for your loss” that one says in the immediate aftermath. But “how long has <the person> been gone now?” is a question that someone might welcome. Because I’m sure they’re thinking about it, but afraid to bring it up to judgmental people like you (and like I was). After a certain (too short) period, people will stop mentioning the deceased at all-- like s/he never existed.

My husband died 19 years ago, and I am still extremely touched when someone remembers him and says something like, “I still miss him,” because I still do. Most people think what you’re saying (and I did, too, until I became a widow), namely, that one year or at best a few years is “long enough” to mourn someone and surely they’re “over it” by now. But for the loss of someone really close, you never get over it-- you adjust, you absorb the event, you realize that *others *have moved on so you accept that your loss is no longer something they think about. I don’t miss my husband the way I did those first few years, but I still think about him every day and frankly, I wind up mentioning his name just about every day-- quoting him (he was a Texas Aggie, so very quotable!) or citing some event involving him. And at certain moments in certain places, I can still cry over missing him. And I believe those tears are not a sign of mental instability but are a tribute to him.

The first FEW **YEARS **after someone’s death are very raw and painful. I know at least three widows/widowers who lost their spouses around three years ago and their friends have definitely moved on. Some friends are worried and also judgmental, thinking surely they’re over it by now. One of these widowers lost his partner to suicide-- heard the shot and found him with the gun, blood everywhere. Will he ever “get over” it? I don’t think so. After a year or two or three, people are still in the depths of very fresh grief. Especially when the holidays come around, and birthdays, and anniversaries, and other annual milestones. Eventually these milestones are less painful, but you don’t forget.

I’ve had people who lost their mothers many decades ago say to me, “I still miss her every day.” What a tribute to that mom… or dad. And yes, a tear may be shed. That’s not pathology. That’s human.

Why don’t you ask around? Ask some of the people who’ve had these losses. Do it in the spirit of research. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but how do you feel about people acknowledging your loss years after it happened?” Don’t take my word for it.

One day you won’t have to.

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Brilliant, beautiful reply, ThelmaLou. Someone was asking me about my mother, who has been gone since 1998, and I teared up. The person said something about being sorry to make me cry and I replied “what a sad thing it would be to stop crying for the ones you love that are gone.” I know how much you must miss your husband, and regardless of the time, I am sorry for your loss.

4

I just say what I feel. I ran into a friend a few weeks ago and immediately recalled a prank his dad pulled a decade ago. He’s been gone over five years. I mentioned the prank, how it still made me chuckle to think about, and how I still missed his dad.

We wound up stopping at a local dive bar and ordering PBRs, his dad’s favorite beer.

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Thanks for your sweet reply. I’m sorry you’ve lost your mom.

It’s funny, but I can be just going about my business and someone will ask me something about my husband, and I’ll tear up out of the blue, and I’M surprised and caught off guard. And like you say, they’ll apologize, but I hope the day never comes when a mention of him leaves me totally cold, kwim?

Sometimes, even pretty recently after a death, people will be reluctant to bring up the deceased “because I didn’t want to remind you.” What they don’t realize is that in those early days (weeks, months, even years) it’s all you think about. The deceased person is NEVER out of your thoughts.

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I’ll take the other side. I lost my dad years ago. I still miss him, and think about him all the time. And I really appreciate when other people remember him fondly. I was touched when the rabbi officiating my son’s wedding said a little about him.

But it feels weird when someone says, “I’m sorry for your loss” these days. I mean, I won’t be offended if you say that, but it feels weird and awkward. I think the statute of limitations is a year if it’s someone you see regularly. If it’s someone you haven’t seen since the death then “I’m sorry for your loss” is okay. But if you’ve seen the person, but only just learned of the death, I think a warm anecdote is best, and if one doesn’t spring to mind (maybe you didn’t even know their mother, or whoever) then, “I’m sorry to hear that, I hadn’t known” feels more appropriate.

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Actually, reading the op more carefully… Naw, if the neighbor was talking about the death, then “I’m sorry for your loss” is a good answer. If they were just talking about their father, and you asked where he lives now, and they said, “oh, he died several years ago”, then what I said above applies. But if they brought up the death, acknowledging their pain seems like a fine response.

8

Sometimes, in conversation, the fact that my sister is deceased will come up. The person will inevitably offer condolences. It’s sweet and well meaning. My response is usual along the lines of “Thanks. She died a long time ago, though”. She died in 2000.

Several years ago I heard that a work colleague in another state had lost his wife to cancer. This one particularly saddened me because they were in their early 30’s with several young children. The next time I saw him, a few years later, I expressed my condolences. He thanked me but mentioned that he had remarried.

I don’t think it’s ever inappropriate, though. But the conversation can be different depending on how much time has passed. The conversation can be different depending on a lot of things, actually.

One thing I learned during my time working with cancer support groups is that terminal illnesses don’t just affect happy people with solid relationships. There may be couples that are on the verge of divorce when the illness strikes. They may be having affairs. It happens to abusive and abused spouses. It happens to people with drug and alcohol problems. It happens to people that love their families but it also happens to people that hate them. The reactions to death go far deeper than simple grief and are highly personal and complex.

Still, a simple “I’m sorry for your loss” is almost always appropriate.

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The first time you meet them, the topic is brought up.
I was sorry to hear of xyz’s death should cover it.

10

This September will mark the 50th year of my father’s death, and I’m not “over it”.

But I definitely get that if people with old losses want to talk about it, they may have more useful results when talking to other people in the same boat. And it hasn’t been a crisis in a long, long time. Condolences don’t seem awkward to me, though.

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This, generally. I mean, if a coworker mentions that their grandfather died when they were 3yo, I’m not going to say “sorry for your loss”, but if they say he died 3 years ago and that they were very close I will offer my condolences.

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I think this is brilliant. At least for me, I really like the “celebration of life” style memorials/funerals and remembering lost loved ones. If one isn’t comfortable with “I’m sorry for your loss”, a “I still remember (positive comment) and miss 'em”.

13

A “1-year mourning period” sounds rather Victorian. Referring anyone who mourns after that time period to psychologic help seems draconian. Like all things, the proper response in a given situation depends on context.

14

I will state categorically I will never be over my Daddy’s death. It is the worst thing I’ve ever lived through. Even my sibs are done with me bringing him up. It is their loss too, but they cannot understand my problem. So I go on alone with this thing that occasionally eats up whole days and puts me in my place. Anyone who asks me about it is a valued friend to me from that moment on.

15

My father passed away in 1986 and sometimes when that comes up in conversation, people will express condolences. That has always seemed a bit excessive but mostly because the only sad thing about his death was that it hadn’t been 20 years earlier.

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Most people would be glad their loved one was remembered. It hurts more when it seems like people have forgotten.

17

This is a timely thread. My mother’s birthday was Thursday. She’s been gone almost 10 years, but I still get teary-eyed. My dad’s birthday is next month, and that’ll be bittersweet, too, even though he’s been gone far longer. I was blessed with wonderful parents who were vivid and beloved presences in my and my siblings’ lives, and I’ll always miss them.

Of course I don’t expect someone to say, “I’m sorry for your loss” every time I mention my mom’s or dad’s death. The first time is enough. If someone says something like, “My dad’s been gone 15 years now,” I don’t say “I’m sorry for your loss.” I say, “I’m sorry.” Or just look sympathetic and say, “Mm.” The latter is also what I do when someone mentions a parent’s death and I’ve already said, “i’m so sorry.”

If the person says, “Meh, it’s been a long time now” or “Happiest day of my life was when he kicked the bucket,” I just say, “Sure.”

It’s not a matter of rules so much as it is about reading people.

18

What a lovely thing to say about your parents. I’m sorry they are gone. You were indeed blessed.

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I think there’s a difference between condolences and sharing memories. Sharing memories of a person you’ve known is appropriate , and even saying “I’m sorry, I didn’t know” is OK for someone who actually knew the deceased but who you don’t see often, but every now and then someone who doesn’t know any of my family will find out my father died six years ago and say " I’m sorry" for your loss." That just seems weird.

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Why does that seem weird? Serious question?