For my money, they don’t get a lot worse than “MAS*H” for the Atari 2600. I don’t recall a lot of it–perhaps it’s a defense mechanism–but I do recall a particularly stupid sequence in it that required the plater to perform surgery on a guy that made the “Operation” board game look like cutting-edge technology.
Like “Operation”, you were required to remove things from the patient’s body–although, in this case, it was shrapnel instead of a funny bone or a wrench. If you did it wrong, the game put little phrases up in the left-hand corner of the screen, calling you names. (“Ferret-face!”) If you made too many mistakes, your patient died and the game ended. Fun, huh?
A more recent game that did very little for me was the Playstation version of “The Fifth Element”. Granted, because it was based on a movie that starred Bruce Willis, there wasn’t a lot of good material to work with in the first place. It featured FMV scenes from the movie, and gameplay that made you want to spal it sharply, and without apology. The controls were difficult (sort of like steering a tractor-trailer with your pinkie), the angles were terrible, making it virtually impossible to, say, jump from one platform to another in less than five tries. Worst of all, though, was the general layout of the game. As far as I can remember (it’s been a while since I played), it went something like this:
Kill people.
Solve a puzzle.
Listen to bad quips performed by someone trying to sound like Bruce Willis and not doing it very well.
Kill more people.
Solve another puzzle.
Wait while the next level loads, and be forced to listen to Chris Tucker screeching like a banshee.
Remove game from the Playstation Console.
Take it back to Funcoland and demand your money back.
Get banned from the store for life because you almost got into a fistfight with the manager after he told you that their return policy only allows exchanges.
Put game under the driver’s side rear tire of your car in the parking lot.
Roll car back and forth over it while the manager of Funcoland stands at their door shouting at you and making rude gestures.
Satisfied that you’ve made the world a slightly better place, go home and microwave a burrito.
I couldn’t imagine anyone would make a game out of that awful movie – I admit RickJay, but I found a review. I understand there’s also a Dungeon Lair-esque sequel!
I imagine Stephen King’s name was not allowed within 100 feet of the game…
Anyone remember Atari’s Earthworld? That was going to be the first of four puzzle games that you’d get some big prize for completing. Only the last three parts were never released. And the game itself sucked.
Atari 2600 Pac Man was probably the biggest disappointment of all time. Lots of hype, miserable game.
A couple of little points about Custer’s Revenge. According to the review I read, it wasn’t just that Custer was “scoring” with the Indian maiden. She was tied to a cactus (ouch!) and he was raping her.
MSU, are you referring to Swordquest: Earthworld? Did it have anything to do with the Zodiac? If so, I remember it, and I think they did actually release Fireworld. I could have borrowed it from a friend, but I refused, instead taking Atari Pinball. Not sure about the rest of the games, like it ever mattered to me.
If that’s the game you’re referring to, I agree, Earthworld sucked. Out loud. In three languages.
You guys, if you haven’t visited that link and looked at the screenshot of Custer’s Revenge, you haven’t lived! That is the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks.
Daikatana was a human tragedy, but at least it was well-intentioned.
I have played some real stinkers in my short life, but none of them even come close to the sheer foulness that is Water Closet.
I have never played this game myself, but I do confess, I have given some thought to trying to download it. I imagine that if I did, it would jeopardize my application for a government job.
Did you notice that I didn’t mention an interactive portion to this story? That was not an oversight, you make ZERO decisions in the saga of Setsuko, but oddly enough when you look in the options there are several events that follow that tampon imbroglio. What the living Christ am I supposed to do with this knowledge? Am I supposed to jostle my monitor during a particular line of text and the plot branches? Do I need to use the game genie to unlock the secret feces fountain scene? Most importantly, what sort of vile and fucking retarded people designed this monstrosity?Hep, can’t breahthe…
My friend and I used to play this game on SuperNintendo that we called “Hyper-Effeminate Gang Members.” I think the real name was “Turf War” or “Ground Turf” or something. You could either be this burly black guy whose special move was standing on his tiptoes and spinning, or this scrawny white guy who could kick above his head and do grand jetés. They each also had a “super power up” thing that looked a hell of a lot like a screaming hissy fit.
Other than featuring the lamest gang members ever, the game was okay, though.
I played Atari BattleSpace (SpaceWar) when it first came out. Pretty cool. Pong was excellent for the time - when Bushnell put it in a bar, the coin slot jammed from getting too many quarters.
My biggest disappointment was Star Wars for the C64. The arcade game was great. The C64 game was bogus, not the least because they somehow got the controls upside down so you pulled up on the joystick to go down and vice versa. Pitiful.
WARNING: the language in the “20 Worst Games Of All Time” link is pretty harsh, and there’s a small not-safe-for-work picture on page 15 (the review of “Total Recall”).
Anyway, if you don’t want to follow the links, his choice for the worst Nintendo game is “Deadly Towers” and for the worst game of all time it’s “E.T.”.
Oh, geez. I just remembered my all time favorite game review. I forget what magazine it was in, since it wasn’t one I read. My friend showed it to me. They ranked their games on a percentage scale. 40% or less was usually considered really really bad. This game - it was some swamp buggy racing game - got a 0%. It was the first 0% they’d ever given.
I committed the first line of the review to memory, and will reproduce it herewith. Ahem: “If you were to strip naked, coat yourself in honey, staple raw steaks to your ass, and jump into a pit filled with starving rabid grizzly bears, we can almost guarantee that you’d be having more fun than if you were playing this game.” Priceless.
