When I was dating my first husband, one of his cousins invited us to her wedding. Actually, my boyfriend was in the wedding party and I was just his “plus one”. They were small-town rich folk so the wedding was held at the golf country club where their father was a member. I’d been there before for the occasional luncheon, so expected it to be a fairly nice experience. Instead…
They arranged chairs for the attendees out on the lawn in full sun with no shade, and facing the setting sun. The bride and groom had a backdrop that shaded them a little. But they scheduled the wedding for 6pm, in the middle of a central California summer. It was over 100 degrees still when the wedding started and there we were having to stare directly into the evening sun, as it was just above the wedding party’s heads. So they were backlit silouettes against a dark screen and all we could really see was the fireball burning our retinas to ash. I gave up trying to see and spent the time watching sweat soaking the shirt of the man in front of me. I hadn’t thought to bring a hat or sunglasses and I am blonde, blue-eyed and sunburn like a lobster in a pot.
At the reception, my boyfriend was seated at the head table with the bride and groom and I was seated with people I didn’t know. After being so thoroughly roasted, I had a headache and was in no mood to make small talk with strangers, so I ate quickly and got the hell out of there.
I had my first wedding in Hawaii. Everything was fantastic until the volcano erupted and killed everyone (except me). It’s pretty awkward having to explain that when I have to tell people that my whole family is dead.
Depending on traditions and the laws of the country unconsummated marriages can still be easily annulled, so depending on the circumstances at the reception everything can still be in a legal and culture flux.
So you willingly married someone you hated. That was definitely a good plan. Good for you. That was smart.
Oh, please. That ain’t nothing. I worked with a guy who got a promotion at work and someone congratulated him and he blew up the building killing hundreds. Ever heard of Timothy McVeigh?
I attended the wedding of a family/church friend’s son, and the bride, who we all had known for years, was giggling uncontrollably through the entire ceremony. I was too young at the time to suspect she was drunk, just thought she was incredibly nervous, but the general consensus of my parents and my brother was that they were very embarrassed by her behavior and worried for the groom. I think the marriage lasted under a year. The groom eventually married someone else that proved to be a more suitable choice. Then there was my cousin’s wedding where she had been hiding her pregnancy for six months under several girdles (it was the 70’s) and now unfettered, she was in a lot of discomfort. The hastily arranged wedding had the bride and her family miserable for their reasons, the groom unhappy because he was being forced to marry and I’m sure was drunk, and the groom’s family absolutely giddy about the upcoming baby, and expressing their support for the sullen couple by buying them, not a crib or a bed or anything that might be useful for a young underemployed new family, but a fancy console TV. I believe the couple didn’t even own a couch at the time. They did end up having three daughters in all, in rapid succession, but it was never a happy marriage and ended in divorce when the girls were quite young. Other awful weddings I attended were more due to guest problems like my alcoholic cousin passing out in his plate of food, a 9-month’s pregnant bridesmaid getting very drunk in hopes of getting “relaxed” enough to make the baby come, the flowergirl/daughter of the photographer clomping around on the wooden floor of the church in her party shoes, hollering “Mommy, take my picture” through the entire ceremony, or the maid-of-honor giving a speech during the toasts that detailed many episodes of holding back the bride’s hair while she barfed and never once mentioning the bride and groom’s relationship. Wow. Almost all of those involved my cousins! They are a lively bunch.
There were a couple of family weddings that I managed to make memorable:
My cousin Barb’s, where I & my cousin Judd were ring bearers, about age 8. Neither of us was much thrilled at the job, or having to wear those uncomfortable suits. But the father of the bride bribed us – promising to send us to the Amusement Park afterwards if we did it right & didn’t lose the rings.
So on the way up the aisle I quietly told Judd “You lose that ring & I’ll kick your butt” – though I guess I wasn’t as quiet as I thought.
Then, still standing at the edge of the altar in the ceremony, after “I now pronounce you husband and wife”, Judd & I both called out “They’re married. Now we can go to the Park!”, loud enough for the whole church to hear.
Then about 6 years later, after her youngest brother got married, her father was passing out cigars at the reception. For us kids, he had chocolate cigars from the candy store. I called out that mine was missing the colored band saying if it was for a boy or a girl. The adults laughed, except for the father – he gave me a dirty look and told me to Shut the Hell up. I couldn’t understand why he was so mad.
I found out 6-1/2 months later, when the bride produced their firstborn son – a ‘premature’ baby boy, weighing 12-1/2 pounds, with a full head of hair.
Didn’t seem to jinx the marriages, though – both lasted until death.
One of my cousins found Jesus, and married into a fundamentalist Christian family.
The ceremony was what you’d expect, but the reception? No alcohol, no dinner, no dancing, no nothing. Except four hours (seriously, four hours) of speeches about how Jesus can save you, accompanied by fruit punch. And nothing but.
My family and I endured, to be polite; and when it was finally over, headed for a place where we could have something to eat. Naturally, we selected a place that served alcohol. Hell, we all needed a few drinks after that.
My friend’s wedding was not too bad, but somehow the minister managed to squeeze in a comment on how he hoped God would defend the couple from evil people who will go to hell, or something along those lines. It was kind of a “WTF?” moment for me.
I also attended a wedding reception just like this: no alcohol, no music, no dancing, and endless speeches. It was for a college mate. I was so hungover that it made the evening seem like an eternity. Hair of the dog would have been nice.
Maybe I’m misreading, but I believe ZPG Zealot is saying she was at someone *else’s *wedding reception, and this woman (“potential future mother-in-law”) had a son whom she hoped would marry ZPG Zealot at some point, but **ZPG Zealot **was having none of it.
I once went to a wedding that might take Worst Place Prize. I started to compose a very long post, to place it in context. Any abbreviated summary will make it sound more like a criminal enterprise than wedding. Indeed, I wanted to call the police when I saw the bride taken away wrists bound, by the groom and the groom’s other wife. But … since the dispute arose over a $28 bride price, I was witnessing more of a petty theft than a grand kidnapping!
Unfortunately, no, I was young and naïve and my parents convinced me that this wedding would be very convenient for the family, but would be in name only (i.e., we wouldn’t be sleeping together and I would still be going to college). Meanwhile the groom and his family were being told by my lying bitch of a mother that I was enthusiastic about marrying the guy, but a shy like virgins usually are (my anger rises now just thinking about the lies my mother told). Before going into the reception me and the groom were alone and he acted romantically (not in a sleazy way, but actually in a very nice appropriate groom way). I must admit if I had wanted a husband and kids at the time in my life his behavior would have been desirable. It was obviously clear some mixed messages had been made. As soon as I could speak with his mother, I told her what was the reality of the situation. Maybe not in the most diplomatic way, but I was young and very, very angry. His mother stopped the reception immediately. She called my mother a lying bitch and a monster. The marriage was annulled.
An acquaintance was “renewing her wedding vows” with her creepy, unpleasant husband. NObody liked him, he looked and acted just like Rumpelstiltskin and treated her and his child with her horribly, in everyone’s opinion (even hers, sometimes.) But no matter, she had never had a church wedding with a fancy dress and wanted one. So it was all planned, pretty low key, with a finger food reception afterward in the church hall. No alcohol.
The part that made it so bizarre is the minister backed out at the last minute, saying he could not in good conscience be a part of it. So the woman held the wedding anyway, directing it herself. They said their vows, she led a prayer, a couple of songs were played and she pronounced them husband and wife.
Worst wedding I’ve ever attended was the one where I was Best Man. The wedding itself was nothing out of the ordinary. It was the fact that the groomsmen and bridesmaids all had a pool going as to how long the marriage would last.
A friend got married in the town park and the reception was at some boring place elsewhere. A few people went straight there to set up for the gig. I was one of them.
Well, one old dude was setting up tables and chairs, and drops of a heart attack. Fire engines and ambulances arrive, and he gets carted off. People were just starting to filter in from the ceremony as the ambulance takes off.
No one knew exactly what was going on, but the specter of doom was there. The reception was dying before it ever started.
Well, I did what I could to get the mood light and eventually people starting having fun and enjoying themselves…
Until…
Some damn woman steps up, grabs the mic, stops the music and announces the old dude is dead! Grinding fucking halt to all celebration.
75% of the people didn’t know the guy. Totally uncalled for during the reception. The news could have waited.
