I'm sorry, were you raised in a fucking BARN?

The BBQ Pit
#1

(*Names changed to protect the innocent and guilty)

As I Pit part of my fucking family who apparently thought violence at my cousin’s wedding last night was APPROPRIATE.

Okay, it wasn’t AT the wedding. But the bride and groom were at the bar with everyone, and it was completely uncouth.

The wedding was beautiful. My cousin and his now-wife had a gorgeous ceremony, and they wrote their own vows, which made all of us cry. His wife looked beautiful, and I couldn’t believe how great my cousin looked (hey, I grew up with the boy, he’s like a brother to me, I had the same thoughts about my brother at his wedding last year!). And the reception was fun - the first dance was wonderfully sweet, the food was good, and their cake was quite yummy. The bride and groom did their duty and managed to spend time with everyone. Since my fiance and I are getting married at the beginning of September, we’ve all been excited for each other, and the bride and I have talked a lot about our respective weddings. So I was very excited for last night.

Unfortunately, I was staving off a gigantic migraine that had started the night before (Goddamn Macaroni Grill apparently snuck a pine nut into my pasta on Friday night at dinner, which will trigger a KILLER migraine for me…it just went away this afternoon…). So my fiance and I left the reception right after the cake-cutting.

We went back to my sister’s house to stay the night, and around 1 AM, everyone else arrived home. My mom comes downstairs and says “Bobby tried to beat Mike up at the bar. They’re not invited to your wedding.”

Okay, first of all, it’s 1 AM and we’re both half-asleep, so it’s like “What the fuck?” I finally got the whole story this morning from my sister-in-law.

So they all went to a bar after the wedding for karaoke and more drinking (ALWAYS a good idea in my family :rolleyes: ). While they were there, Mike started dancing with Bobby’s wife (Bobby is my cousin, Mike is my sister’s husband). Totally innocent. I know this without even being there. So then they’re all standing there, and Bobby pushes Mike to the ground. Everyone thinks he’s just playing because he’s drunk, so they all help Mike up. Then they realize that Bobby is CHOKING Mike and he’s not playing. So my brother and the groom go after his ass, and the groom’s holding him. Then the BRIDE (God, I love my cousin’s wife - she is my favorite family member right now.) gets in his face and says “Listen. The groom is holding you, and the BRIDE is telling you right now that you had better grow the fuck up and act your age. Because this is OUR wedding night, and if you ruin it, we will never forgive you.”.

So they all get it calmed down and leave. Then we find out this morning that the groom’s mother is all pissed at the bride and groom because they were at the bar instead of the hotel room that someone paid for for them (Hello, it’s their wedding night, they can go wherever the hell they want! It was only 11:30!). So she’s calling MY mother (her sister) and screaming at her about them, and about how my 17-year-old cousin was at the bar (His parents are Bobby and his wife). HIS PARENTS brought him, for fuck’s sake!! Not my mother!

So now everyone’s apparently pissed at each other for really stupid, stupid reasons. I’m a little worried - I’m considering putting up a pen at our wedding and sticking them all in it to let them have a fucking cockfight. This is the side of the family that can’t handle their booze, obviously. (I won’t even go into detail about how my aunt, the groom’s grandmother, started drinking hours BEFORE the wedding and cried before the fucking ceremony even started…). I’m not worried about my dad’s side of the family - they drink just as much, but they’re funny drunks - and my uncles get sentimental and cry a lot (it’s fun…:D). I’m going to call the bride this week and talk to her - because I feel horrible that her new family acted this way on her wedding night. I’m fucking embarrassed by them. And if we weren’t all so close, it wouldn’t bother me as much. But holy shit, learn to fucking behave yourselves at a motherfucking formal event.

And my family wonders why I don’t drink much.

Ava

#2

Jer-ry!

Jer-ry!

Jer-ry!

#3

I dunno, avabeth, sounds like maybe you should start. :stuck_out_tongue:

Oh, and, my sympathies. Have you thought about eloping?

#4

I think every family has people like this. At my wedding the fight didn’t get physical, at least, but two of my husband’s sisters got into a huge argument outside the reception hall about each other’s possibility of being anorexic, abuse of alcohol/drugs, etc., etc. Fortunately only a few people knew about it. Oh, and one of the sisters was supposed to be a bridesmaid, but told me a couple weeks before the wedding that she couldn’t (citing her health issues/back problems - in other words, painkiller addiction), and then showed up late, after the vows, for a 10:30 am wedding, at the church she grew up attending!

This family also drinks to get through get-togethers. Can you tell? I’ve taken up that practice, myself.

#5

I dunno about pitting part of your family. If I were you, I’D pit the damn palm nut for making me miss the fun!

#6

You gots to luuurve da ghetto formal events!

A big ass fight broke out at my cousin’s wedding a few years ago which I unfortunately couldn’t attend. Putting a bunch of ghetto black guys and ghetto Mexican guys who hate each other in a room together is not the most genius of ideas, apparently. And when the rest of the family consists of pissy ass Italians, then you’re really in for some fun.

Still regret not making that wedding…

:wink:

#7

You never told us why Bobby pushed Mike to the ground. What started it?

#8

[Thom Yorke]

You had to piss on our parade
You had to shred our big day
You had to ruin it for all concerned
In a drunken punch-up at a wedding, yeah

[/Thom Yorke]

#9

Oh, don’t EVEN think that didn’t cross my mind. I’m so far-removed from this side of the family - we have almost NOTHING in common (They love Nascar, Budweiser, stock car races, and country music, I’m into theatre, wine, museums, and Big Band). But strangely enough, I still get along with them. Most of the time. Except when they act like assholes.

This Year’s Model, we initially planned on a Vegas wedding. But when we realized that we had FIFTY people telling us that they were coming to the Vegas wedding, we figured it would be easier to have it in VA. My maid of honor is a travel agent, and she keeps offering to put a trip for us and five of our closest friends together so we can just skip the big shin-dig and hit Vegas. I almost called her to take her up on it tonight.

Ferret Herder, are we related?:slight_smile: And legion, I’m a bit pissed at the pine nut, but I also hate any kind of disagreements like that, so I’m kind of glad we did miss it.

Lezlers, this was ghetto with southern accents. Christ. It’s nice to know that my family doesn’t take the cake on fuckheadedness.

Ava

#10

Apparently because Mike was dancing with Bobby’s wife.

#11

I didn’t? Oops.

Bobby pushed Mike because he SWORE up and down that Mike was flirting with his wife. Mike doesn’t fight, nor does he flirt with other women seriously - he loves my sister, and believe me, Bobby’s wife is the LAST person he’d flirt with (he flirts, but in that comfortable familial way - we all do it, and I flirt with him, my cousin, etc…nothing sexual involved). Bobby was fucking drunk off his ass and seeing things that weren’t there. My brother and sister-in-law were WATCHING Mike and Bobby’s wife dance, and they said it was totally innocent. What pisses me off the most is that Bobby’s wife hasn’t been getting along with the rest of the family for a few years - and last night, she was totally different - she was great, and how I remember her being years ago when they first met. Silly me actually thought we’d have a normal family gathering instead of one that ended in screaming and yelling. I think I Pitted this same side of the family last year after my brother’s wedding when my aunt, Bobby, his wife, the groom’s mother, and her husband were all jackasses at the wedding - didn’t even acknowledge my then-boyfriend when I introduced him to them, even though they knew we were planning on getting engaged soon. I should just realize and accept that this shit is par for the course instead of getting upset. And it’s always THOSE five people in the middle of it. No matter what, or who’s upset, it is ALWAYS one of them who’s started it or is in the middle.

Ugh. My parents insisted on an open bar and I went along with it. Now I’m wishing we’d planned a brunch wedding with a simple champagne toast instead of a formal evening blowout. Then again, they’d probably find a way to get six extra glasses of champagne apiece. And right now, I’m not concerned about how they behave at my own wedding - I’m more pissed off for the bride right now. I just feel horrible for her.

Ava

#12

Weddings suck.

Everybody wants them to be beautiful angelic dreamy perfection, and they never are, no matter how much preparation, no matter how much money you throw at them - something will mess it up.

I hate going to Weddings.

#13

The Vegas thing might not have worked anyway. My wife and I got married in Reno just to avoid this kind of thing and it follwed us there. I had to beg a CHP officer not to tow a rental van I had rented. There were three fights, two before the wedding and one afterwards. Those are just the quick and dirty of it, the whole story might curl your hair. One of these days, Im going to post the whole story.

#14

Post it!! For those of us who have to work during Jerry! We need our injection of redneck/ghetto/trailer trash too! :smiley:

#15

Ooh Ooh Ooh! Can I add to your thread with a weekend wedding tale of woe?
(And note- this occurred in Minnesota…usually not a bastion of Jerry contenders)

My nephew was married Saturday. Our family is quite small, and quite close. Shoot, my other nephew lived in my basement for six months and the one who married is now living in my old condo. Not a week goes by where we don’t get together at least once. I like his wife. Really. It took a bit to warm up to her as she is very standoffish. But now, she’s pretty okay with us and we’re pretty okay with her.

We were told to be at church between 1-130 for pictures. NBD. The photographer shows up at 215. Photographer is Bride’s Aunt. Suffice it to say there will be TONS of photos of the bride’s family. My sister had to fight to get pics with her sons. Seriously. Photographer was sarting the second round of Bride and Bride’s Mom photos when Sis said “Are we going to have any pictures of the Groom’s family?” The photographer said “Oh… Well… I suppose we should”. My dad asked if any pics were going to be taken outdoors (turned out to be a GORGEOUS day- my dad and mom worked in the church garden Friday night so everything would look nice). At 315 photographer finally said she thought maybe some pics should be done outside. Wedding was at 4pm. Lotsa time. :rolleyes:

Fast forward to the reception. Brides family is primarily from St Paul, so they decided to have the reception there (wedding was in Minneapolis). The VFW didn’t have a parking lot. And it wasn’t in a pretty part of town. LilMiss and I literally had to stumble over a drunk on the block and 1/2 walk to the hall. The hall was used the night before for something- dunno what- but the floor was sticky. My ex-brother-in-law started the night with a bang- he tried bringing in two grocery bags of hard alcohol. Not allowed. When told to remove the booze, he proceeded to open a bottle of Wild Turkey and guzzle a decent portion of it. His girlfriend/halfsister (yes, I AM serious) managed to snare the booze away from him, but he was three sheets to the wind and cranky. His sons (groom and best man) pretty much pinned him down and told him to behave or they would call the cops. The Bride’s family, much larger and much more “special” than us, started making comments about the Grooms family. One woman in particular started up. This woman verbally abused us at the Bride’s wedding shower, and she was at it here. Attention whore times 1000. Best man’s fiancee had saved some spaces at a table for LilMiss, me, Mom & Dad because space was seriously at a premium. The Attention Whore lambasted her for acting like she was in junior high and “saving” places. Luckily, Fiancee (who was also at the shower and dealt with the woman there), stood up for herself and us and told her to shove off. Mom and Dad were running a bit late, but the Groom wanted to wait for them to get there before he and Bride made their entrance. DrunkAssDad wouldn’t allow it- shoved them into the Hall. Groom was in tears. Mom and Dad get there (Mom had gotten lost on the way). Food time! Attention Whore starts AGAIN complaining about the food, and doncha know she was at a wedding where they had roasted capons etcetcetc. Family friend told her to shut it.

Time passes. Food is consumed. Drinks are imbibed. Pull tabs are played. Attention whore spills her 3.2 beer on Dad. Turns out it wasn’t the first time they met that day- AW was skulking around the church during the wedding. Dad kept trying to get her to come into the sanctuary, to no avail. He missed most of the wedding trying to keep this woman (who, as far as he knew, was unknown therefore should not be down with the bridal party’s purses, etc) to behave. AW’s boyfriend thought nothing of trying to bring a lit cigarette into the church. Dad told him to put it out, pointing to an ashtray. AW’s boyfriend proceeded to toss the cigarette at my dad’s feet. Not smart. He told boyfriend to pick it up, or he would not be coming into the church. Dealing with the BF, the AW managed to get downstairs. A church member was down there as a guard, kicked AW back up. After she spilled her beer on Dad, then started to walk away, my Dad, loudly, commented on how sad it was that someone invitied that “goddamned spoiled heifer” (to Dad, heifer is the same as the “C” word). She got into Dad’s face, commenting on how obnoxious he is (yes, he can be. He is very friendly, and will chat to anyone- heaven forbid). Groom broke off from his Dollar Dance (but for $10, he’ll unbutton one button!) to have her removed from the premises. Luckily Groom hired another family friend who is a cop in real life to be security. AW, in her best stellar moment of the night, made the comment “THAT’s why the n[insert rest of word here] is here?”

LilMiss and I left soon after.

#16

For many years I worked in catering and have attended literally hundreds of weddings. Some of the things I’ve seen would truly curl your hair.

I used to be shocked and apalled, then, after a while, I wasn’t so surprised anymore.

I have seen fistfights, between brides and groomsmen, between guests and hosts, between bridesmaids. As professionals we never let on that anything is untoward. But back in the kitchen, or the shop the things we would share. The one thing they all had in common was the demon alcohol.

At the’hockey’ wedding, a fight broke out late in the evening. A real good fight, the sort that involves the spillage of blood and the calling of paramedics. It was late, we figured the event was pretty much over at this point, the abulance having just pulled away. We’re making like to clear up everything in the tent, pack up, go home, the usual stuff. But no— these people weren’t put off at all, hockey people - not scared by a little blood and guts! Let the party continue! You got to admire that kind of fortitude. I won money from a co worker at this event when he bet the group of girls I was in that we were so sorry we couldn’t pick Scotty Bowman out of the crowd. I could, and did, and won $20.

Now this was a very top end caterer, none of these events were under $20,000. So don’t be thinking it’s just the mountain folk or rednecks. Some people just don’t know how to behave.

I have a zillion such stories, but the one that lives on in infamy is the ‘biker/stripper’ wedding. So, on this one, we knew going in there could be a little trouble. She used to be a peeler, he used to be a biker. Oh yeah, there was sure to be interesting times ahead. The caterer actually hired bouncers, dressed in tuxes, but bouncers, none the less, we just didn’t identify them as such. Big, big fellas. And when it came it was spectacular, clothing was ripped, blood was shed, the police were called, and the bouncers said, ‘Hey, don’t ever call me again.’

Catering, who knew it could be so entertaining.

How fondly I remember it all.

Good times.

#17

Isn’t dancing with someone essentially flirting with them? Especially under drunken conditions? I know a lot of guys that would go nuts in this situation too. Some other guy says peep to his girlfriend and the girlfriend half smiles, look out, the beer bottles are going to be flying.

#18

No, and especially not at (or after) a family gathering like a wedding when dancing with various people in the extended family is extremely common.

Well, just because those guys you know are apparently insecure, jealous, over-protective morons doesn’t mean that everyone has to be.

Guys who over-react like this tend to be the same sort of jerkoffs who see women as simply possessions, or sex objects, or “turf” that needs to be defended from all outside influences.

#19

elbows

You should write a tell-all book like The Nanny Diaries or The Devil Wears Prada.

#20

If dancing is considered flirting, then I flirted with my dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, and the three-year-old little girl who all danced with me at the wedding.

So no, I wouldn’t consider it flirting when it’s at a family event. Especially NOT in my family.

Stuffy, please post that! I could use another laugh!

MissTake - you win!:smiley: Wow. Good lord.

Elbow, I second the book suggestion.

Apparently, everyone’s all made up and kissy-kissy again. Granted, if they even think of attempting this behavior at my wedding, I will have them tossed out on their asses. The site requires a security guard, plus I have three big, burly uncles on the other side of the family who are rather protective of their nieces, and won’t let anyone, including other family, ruin things for them. I’m just at the point where I don’t care. I just want them to behave themselves and apologize profusely to my cousin and his wife for their behavior.

Ava