My wedding: Bringing Acoholics, Morons and Whores together

I’ve been promising to tell this story almost since it happened, so today is your unlucky day. After seeing it’s lenght, I decided to post it in three parts, roughly and hour apart to allow for questions or comments. The title is not in the least misleading, ok a maybe a little misleading, as there are no actual whores, oh wait there are. But I think to do this right, it might be helpful for you to know the cast of characters. Besides, yours truly and the future Mrs. Stuffy also appearing will be:

G: My best friend and all around good guy.
B: One of my younger brothers.
L: Another younger brother. It should be noted that during a family dinner L once threw a meat cleaver at B, this is typical of their relationship.
P: The oldest brother also playing the role as A$$shole#1. It should be noted that we’ve never gotten along, in addition at the time P was on a brief sabbatical from California’s wonderful Penal system (The why will come up later).
The Whore/A$$hole#2: P’s girlfriend, so called because in addition to P and half of Oakland’s eligible and ineligible males she’s also slept with B, L, and
J: Youngest brother It should be noted J once shot L during a game of basketball. No, I’m not kidding.
Sis: My only sister.
J2/The B%%ch/ASShole#3 (how about we shorten this to J2BA3). (Not a single person in the family likes her, her husband included.)

The rest of my friends and relatives were smart enough not to attend.

My plan was a simple one. Sneak off to Reno and get married. My wife, then fiancée hadn’t yet met B, and L. Although we dated for a year and lived together for a year after that, she had never seen all my family at the same place at the same time either. This was by design, I’m a member of this family, I know what happens when we get together, it’s never pretty and usually ends with the arrival if vehicles with flashing lights; occasionally an ambulance, normally the police. My Mom moved two thousand miles away from us officially to take care of my grandmother, unofficially to get away from the insanity.

During the months leading up to the Big Day, my wife begged and pleaded with me to invite my brothers and sister for the big event. Grudgingly, I can’t deny my wife a thing, besides she’d just keep on asking; (cursing and grumbling) I started making calls. I called B; “You wouldn’t happen to want to go to Reno to see us get married do you. You do? Damn…I mean Cool” And so it went.

Having been foiled in my plans for a stress free marriage, I decided on the next best thing; damage control. I’m going to control every facet of this thing. No broken down cars, no fighting, and no reception. We’d go to a steak house or something for Prime Rib Dinner afterwards, then head for home the next morning, where the wife and I would get on a plane heading for the East Coast. Brilliant, we’ll drive there on Friday afternoon have a good time that night, get married the next afternoon and head back to Oakland at noon Sunday. I can handle this. God was probably already snickering.

He was my new plan. I’d rent a car and two vans. My wife and I would ride in the car. I would split up the natural combatants between the two vans. G would drive one J the other. I also had no intention of paying for, and then paying to have them restored to their original condition, rooms at one of the bigger resorts. We’ll stay a little further down the strip at a great hotel I’d name, but I’ve agreed not to mention its name to a living soul I know. I paid for 6 rooms, one for J and J3, one for Sis and my missus, one for B and I, one for L and G, and one for P and the Whore, the sixth room was to be the honeymoon suite. Believe it or not, my total cost for this was less than 3,500 dollars including the ceremony and round trip tickets to Tennessee. I was paying transportation, rooms and meals, gambling and drinking was to be at your own expense. I stressed this every time I talked to the one of the attendees.


Sound simple right, I mean what could happen? We didn’t make it to the State line without a problem; though we we’re nearly there before I noticed. Here’s what happened. We got off the highway in a little town just outside of Sacramento to take a rest stop, and top the cars off. Outside of the gas station/convenience store there was a guy offering to all and sundry; weed. I’m not sure how he expected to actually sell any as there were two CHP cruisers sitting near the phone booths at the entrance to the station. I remember thinking “idiot, there’s a cop right there”; I thought nothing further of it.

Somewhere before the Sierras I noticed a van was missing.

Ooooh, this sounds like it’s going to get good. Waiting for the next installment…

No questions, but I’m already on the edge of my seat waiting for the next part.

Ooooh! Forget about the hour between posts… BRING IT ON!!! :smiley:

Yesssss! And do it now!


AAAHHHH!! Where was the van? Where was the van? Did someone buy weed? Sell the van for weed? AHHHHH!!!

Is J2BA3 married to J? If not, how is she connected?

Is J2 J’s missus? Who is J3? How about I?

Don’t leave us in suspense here, on with the next installment!

Has J2BA3 been converted to J3? Or is J3 someone else?

:eek: As a fellow getting married in two weeks, this story is not helping my nerves any…
{Fortunately, I’m as close to being the black sheep of the family as anyone - and I’m boring.}

Ok, I got my numbers a little mixed up, the problem being that my sister’s name also starts with J whom I intended on calling J3, but since I call her sis throughout J followed by any other characters is in fact J’s wife. I’m proof reading to make sure I’ve cut down on confusion.

I didn’t know that people from other states came to TN for their honeymoon.

Part II

Let’s digress a little. P is a poster child for Dumb Criminals. COPS could feature a series on his exploits alone. For those who know Oakland, my brother’s last arrest occurred at 98th and E. 14th in front of a McDonalds for selling crack cocaine from a car, while police were pulling up behind him,. I was dubious about his recount of the story until I heard it straight from an Alameda County’s Sheriff’s Deputy that the following happened exactly as he told it. Apparently he was sitting with a another known dealer early one morning in front of said Mickey D’s when the other drug dealer having spotted the cops gave my brother his stash, saying he’d be right back. My clueless brother then was caught selling to someone else a piece of crack belonging to Asshole # whichever number we’re up to. In California we have what’s called three-way Search and Seizure, basically it means if drugs are found and you who’ve been convicted of a drug crime, is anywhere nearby, you are charged for the drugs. Which has no relevance to this story I only bring it up because I find it interesting.

Such has been his life.

Just to nail it down for you, he’s also been caught burglarizing my mother’s house; my sister’s house; L’s house. He also punched me in the face while I was holding my infant namesake because I wouldn’t lend him money, the only reason he wasn’t prosecuted for that is my Mother begged me. He’s been arrested more times than I feel like listing for drug related offenses. He punched a woman in front of a police officer, he threw a brick through a police cruisers rear window, and this is getting old. Maybe I should have called him Loser. In retrospect, I should have known what would happen.

Anyway where was I, oh yes, the missing van. Reno is essentially a straight shot from Oakland. You get to 80 East and keep going until you see all the lights. That’s it. It’s really hard to get lost. The fact that I noticed one of the vans was missing is owed to my wife’s lead foot more than anything else. We were far enough ahead to be able to see both vans for most of the trip (I suffer from a severe case of road rage, thanks dopers for making me realize it, so I only tend to drive at night). Anyway, I looked in the mirror and could only see one van, I called G in the van immediately behind us and he admitted to not seeing it since he hit the highway after the rest stop.

Have you figured out what happened yet? Yes Dumb Ass (I’m sorry Asshole #1) purchased weed from the guy who might as well have been wearing a sign reading: “BUST ME” in six-foot tall neon flashing letters. But again I’m getting ahead of myself. Here’s how it happened. Shortly after calling G, I’m thinking about the possibilities of which actions take. I can go back and possibly miss them, I could go on ahead and hope they show, or I could pull over and wait and see what happens. As it turns out this is so much wasted brainpower, as my wife’s cell phone begins ringing. It’s Mike Something or Other from the CHP, and he wants to speak to me.

Mike asks me a few questions mostly consisting of where we’re going and why and asks us to please join them about fifty miles back on the side of the road. Not having anything better to do, or more accurately not having a choice (he mentioned towing and storage fees) I readily consented. We found after several false starts a place to turn around and go back, and there we found our friends standing on the side of the road. J was driving this van along for the ride was J2A3, P and The Whore. None of the vans were particularly full as a “you’re touching me” moment might culminate in a “Shots Fired” police call. Like I said I was in full Damage Control mode.

Mike is a nice guy, he wanted to be sure that J was telling the truth, and was willing to dump the weed on the side on the side of the road as to not have to do paperwork for $20 dollars worth of mad salad. Thank you Mike of the CHP, I’m happy to know that officers of your caliber are protecting our roads. We readily agreed along with changing seating assignments as was also strongly encouraged by Mike. The new arrangements had G, J2A3, and J riding in the car, with the missus and I riding in the van with P and The Whore.

Seething, would be putting it mildly. If I had been armed Nice Mike would have had a shit load of paperwork to do that night. I got in the van and as soon as he opened his mouth told him “Not a word. JUST SHUT. THE. F@#K. UP.” I guess I sounded menacing enough, because he didn’t speak again until we within site of the Strip. That’s about also the same time when I began to calm down. That of course wouldn’t last.

Friday Night - Saturday

We checked in then split up, the guys heading for the gentlemen’s club, the women to the casinos. We guys planned to hit the casinos later, but the first order of business was a kind of mini bachelor party. Which actually went off without a hitch. There were nude girls dancing we had a couple of drinks, G had a lap dance (what’s that all about “I need to be sexually frustrated can you help” you’d think nobody would need help with that) at least two of the strippers were enhanced, we stayed about 30 minutes and headed to the casino and more problems.

Tell us more! Continue the story! Jumps up and down like an impatient child

Well the reason for Tennessee is that I was stopping to visit some favorite cousins for dinner on the way to Asheville, NC. We also stopped for breakfast on the way back home.

Part 3

I don’t remember what casino we were in but it started like this:

P: “Stuffy can I borrow a couple of bucks?”

Me: silence

P: I hate to ask after the, we, uh….

Me: Deadly silence

P: So you know about $50…

Me: (Internally) I should kill him, I should shoot him down, damn; I don’t own a gun. (Externally) I told you I’m not covering gambling, you’re on your own

P: But….

He was cut off by my cell phone ringing. It was the future missus; her first words are “Did you know that The Whore doesn’t have any money”. Well ok she didn’t call her that, but the rest of the message was accurate. “I’m not surprised” I say, “I’m getting the same from P”. “So what, should I lend her some?” “It’s up to you honey, are you guys having a good time.” “Yeah, I think I’ll give her a hundred, why don’t you give P the same.” Because he’ll be too dead to spend it I think; “I guess.” I say. “Come on” she says; “It’s our wedding we can afford it, let’s all have some fun. “Sure honey, ok, have fun.”

I really didn’t trust myself to speak to P directly and instead called G over gave him a hundred and told him to give it to P along with the message that if he says something else to me tonight, I’m going to run his ass over with one of the vans. I don’t know if he actually delivered that message but I didn’t here or see P again until the agreed time we’d meet up to share a cab back to the hotel. Instead I went to the slots. I’m not a big gambler, when I do, I play blackjack and craps, but I was too angry for either of these so it was the slots.

I played $30 or so while G tried to get me out of the funk I was sinking into and it worked, that or the $78 bucks I won. So we hit the blackjack table where I gave the casino it’s money back plus some of mine. Not having given enough I lost another $200 at the craps table. Still, I left the casino in a good mood. We got a couple of cabs, had them stop at a liquor store, and returned to the hotel.
We sat around in my room drinking and telling stories and generally had a really good time. Not all of my childhood and susequent young adulthood was marred with violence, and even the parts that were could be funny seen through the lens of time. At 3, figuring since the wedding was at 2, I’d better get some sleep. But I couldn’t sleep I was excited about the next day. I’m not sure when I drifted off.

At 4:30 the phone rang. It was the management informing me that my guest were having a problem at the pool, would I take care of it or should they call the police. “I’m on my way our the door.” I wake up G saying we got problems and we leave his room at a run. I’m thinking the whole time it’s P, it’s gotta be.

When I get out side I hear my sister, hell everybody had to hear my sister yelling/slurring: “Bisch, I’ll beat your ash!” There, in the swimming pool are my sister and The Whore. They’re both fully dressed, well The Whore’s dress; which didn’t cover much to begin with, was hiked up around her waist, but other wise they were fully clothed. My sister has her in a headlock and is attempting to punch her repeatedly and mostly unsuccessfully. J2A3, is yelling at someone from the hotel, about what I don’t know. My future Missus is holding up the wall of the hotel. She’s obviously drunk, as are both of the gladiators in the pool.

G and I break it up. I never got the whole story on what started the fight, but apparently the women returned from the casino, talked much like us boys did, got bored filled a couple of 2 liter bottles with Gas and went to walk the strip. Gas is a combination of Gin, Rhine wine and lime Kool-Aide. Not surprisingly, nobody remembered much of the argument that led to the fight. I promised the manager nothing like it would happen again and then I went and collected all the alcohol, which I locked in the trunk of the car.

Problem solved, I tried to get some sleep. We had a wake up call at 11, it was a little after 5. At 11 I get up and shower and start checking on everybody. P and The Whore are gone but everybody is ok, though all of the women were looking hung over. We all agreed to eat before the Limo came to pick us up at 1:30. We do so and go to get dressed, in case you’re interested G and I had on Cream double breasted suits, Nay and Sis were both in white and pink dresses, though Nays was of course fancier. The Limo shows up on time, took us to get our license and to then to the chapel. At the chapel they were running late, so everything’s cool.

Everybody is there except the Whore and P, and to be honest I could have cared less. I should have cared. The coordinator is explaining to Nay and I how things would go once we got into the Chapel, when we hear, well shrieking outside. We all go outside and there in the middle of the street is The Whore. She’s wearing even less, if that’s possible than the night before. What she had on was basically a tube that started at her nipples and ended just below glory, but he didn’t have the body to pull it off. L is meanwhile pulling P from the street.

Paul is yelling: You’re not going to my bro’s wedding looking like a ho.

She says something to the effect that fine, she won’t, and then proceeds to pull the dress up over her head in front of God and everybody. That’s when Nay lost it, I know because before I can move, shoes start flying at me and with a “hold these” thrown over her shoulder she’s running towards The Whore. Before she can get there P, who has escaped L tackled The Whore. L tries to separate them and is rewarded with a right cross. B and G are just about to get involved when the police arrive.

This whole time, I‘m standing there and all of a sudden I develop a tic. I can’t stop my right cheek from moving up and down meanwhile my right eye is also blinking in a kind of symphony. Just about this time I hear laughter coming from behind me. It’s J2A3, and I hear …”your family is so much fun.” B tells here to “Shut the fuck up” I kind of zoned out about then. I remember the police talking to me, I remember G sitting and talking with me, and I remember holding Nays hand. The tic disappeared after about 30 minutes, and my composure in another 30 or so.

Result, P and The Whore have been arrested and L has promised to kill anyone who causes more trouble. The Chapel agreed to fit us in at 4:30. Other than a few Mel Brooksesque moments causing multiple “I Dos” because of the minister, there were no more adventures. Well ok there was that thing at the Steakhouse, but it deserves it’s own thread. Oh in case you’re wondering L stayed behind and bailed out P and the Whore, as far as I was concerned they could have stayed and rotted

How does one enhance a stripper, exactly?

No, no, no! We must hear about the Steakhouse now that you have started!

God, the tic was the funniest part. Poor Stuffy, I hope your wife made it up to you that night :wink:

Oh my word.

[Prurience] So, was the Whore wearing any undies? [/prurience]

Now carry on with the steakhouse bit!!!

My wife swears she wasn’t I thought she was, you know the type that fall into the cracks.

It’ll be a little while for the Steakhouse part, I hadn’t intended to put it here but since you asked I’ll post it when I get back from shopping.