Could you at least *look* happy?

The BBQ Pit
1

My baby brother got married this weekend sob. The wedding was beautiful, the reception was kick-ass (my best friend from NYC came for it and said it was the best reception he’d ever been to), and I sang in the ceremony and didn’t pass out. Everyone looked beautiful and my cousin did an amazing job with the wedding planning. It was the family wedding of 2003.

Enter the Country Cousins (this doesn’t reference their behavior, just their location - they all live in the country). My mother’s older sister, her two grown children, their spouses, and two sons - one in his twenties and one who’s seventeen. They live about two hours north of us so we see them every couple of months or so. However, I haven’t seen any of them since I moved back to VA, so I definitely wanted to say hello to them, and since they have yet to meet my SO, I wanted to introduce him.

Well, as the sister of the groom and dealing with TONS of people there, I didn’t get a chance until about an hour after the reception had begun (there was no receiving line). I look at their table. They’re all just sitting there. Not talking. Not even talking to each other. Eating from the buffet. But not talking. And they all have stone-faces. Why did my stomach just burst into flames?

Taking a deep breath, I walk over to them with my boyfriend. I smile, extend greetings, and attempt to hug them. None of this seems to go over well as it apparently takes more effort than they want to put out to smile back, greet me back, or hug me back. I step back, the flames in my stomach beginning to crawl up my throat and nasal passages. I point to the SO, and say “This is Boyfriend.” and point to each of my relatives in turn. Bear in mind, every introduction that he got to the folks on my dad’s side of the family and most everyone on my mom’s side of the family has ended with a firm handshake from the men and a hug from the women (we’re a very huggy family). So he attempts to shake hands with my male cousin. No go. I’m noticing a trend here. Complete and utter rudeness. The two who were the least rude were the twenty-three year old and the sixteen-year-old, for hell’s sake! They were polite and spoke to us.

So, as quickly as I could, I pulled the two of us out of there and we went back to the more cheerful family. I made a comment about sticks and asses to SO and decided that an effort was more than satisfied and I’d stick to the happier people in the family from now on.

I don’t think there was a row or a fight before the wedding. As far as I know, my mother had just spoken with the Country Cousins the day before, things should have been peachy-keen. However, they get like this. They refuse to have fun and they can be as rude as hell.

To my cousins:

Fuck you. This was my brother’s day and his new wife’s day, and you did your best to act like total pricks. Thank the stars you stayed in one place and didn’t attempt to infect everyone else with your negativity. Is it so much to ask that you actually attempt to SMILE at a family gathering that isn’t about you? And you know what? I know you complained to my mother that I was rude to you. Yes, I was so rude to you because I introduced you to my boyfriend and then left because I don’t like speaking to brick walls. Fuck off. And if this is the way that you want to act, then don’t expect to be invited to my wedding. I won’t put up with it. You didn’t even make an effort to go over and congratulate the bride and groom. If you were going to be such sticks-in-the-mud, you should have stayed home. Did you notice all of those people standing up and doing strange movements? That’s called dancing. And the ones who were opening their mouths and had sound coming from them, that’s called ‘talking’. Both are enjoyable activities. I can understand not wanting to dance, but I’ve seen you dance at other family events, and I know that you still have full control of your vocal chords. EVERYONE who knew you (and that includes nearly everyone in my dad’s side of the family) tried to draw you into the festivities, but you refused. If you want to be miserable, then STAY HOME. My mom had enough stress last week. You just added to it because now she’s worried that she’s done something to insult you. And I don’t think you could have looked more unhappy had a copperhead made it’s way up your bunghole and nested in your large intestine. Jackasses.

Ava

2

OK, there has to be more here. Was this an interacial or interfaith wedding that would set off a bigotry response? was there any l;ongstanding family bad blood?

I can’t comprehend how anyone can go to a wedding and not have a good time.

3

Nope. My brother and his girlfriend have been together for ten years, there’s nothing controversial about them, and everyone was looking forward to the wedding.

I should have explained further that this part of the family just gets this way sometimes. There’s no explanation for it - it’s like they all get offended at something at the same time, but the rest of us are clueless as to what it is because they won’t tell us - or there’s nothing wrong at all, they’re just being dicks. We’re used to it at this point, but this really pissed me off on Saturday - this was my brother’s wedding and I didn’t want anyone to ruin it for him. And I’m convinced that there was no slight or anything wrong on Saturday - I’ve asked my mom and she said she hasn’t had any arguments with anyone and was, in fact, talking to them on the phone during the week like normal. So where this behavior came from, I have no idea.

I think what was so upsetting was that they were such a contrast to the other side of my family - the rest were happy, talking to everyone, and having fun. This part of the family apparently couldn’t even be bothered to make an effort.

Ava

Ava

4

avabeth, I understand where you’re coming from, but I have to tell you, there have been times when I’ve been at functions and everyone has assumed I’m just being a bitch and having a terrible time - I have real anxiety problems around large crowds. I literally freeze up, can’t talk, and generally, my panic is sometimes mislabeled as antisocialism. It isn’t that, it’s fear. It’s also a reason I avoid large gatherings, including some of those that I really, really want to attend. But when it’s family, you kind of can’t NOT go. If that makes sense. Is it possible that this part of the family is just kind of like that and maybe not doing it on purpose?

<disclaimer>No, I’m not trying to make excuses for people who are deliberately rude, I’m trying to explain that some people can’t handle stuff like that, and it would be ruder NOT to show up at all so they do the best they can.</disclaimer>

In any event, I’m very sorry that you were hurt, and by the way, as a relative newlywed myself (oh God, you don’t even want to hear what it took me to go through THAT extended family function!) congrats to your bro!!! :smiley:

5

Congrats to your bro and his new wife! Sounds like it was a great wedding and reception and I’m glad that you did well with the song though you failed to mention to me when you came to visit what song you sang! :stuck_out_tongue:

I’ve been on the receiving end of rudeness like that before, more than you can count which is why I’m weary around people. I am sorry you were hurt with their behaviour though. :frowning:

Though, I’ve been called a bitch because I sit in a corner and not talk or mingle. It’s not that, it’s because I can’t hear anything at all. Na-da. Being hearing impaired means I can’t hear anything at all except loud blaring music. The funny thing is, my family (cousins, aunts whatever) know this and yet failed to understand why I hate attending family function. If I did attend a wedding or anything else, if I’m not having a good time, you’ll know…I’m sitting in a corner, not talking.

6

Could they have been angry at each other? Not that a fight amongst themselves excuses their behavior, but it might explain the sulleness.

Congrats to your brother and new sister-in-law!

7

Some folks just don’t express emotion in public. Even being related to y’all, they might not have felt that this was the time and place to express any emotion. “Different strokes” and all that.

8

Ava,

After my wedding, at which the late Mr. DDpersons’ family acted that way and maybe worse, he took a bunch of 2"dowels about 3 feet long, painted them bright colors, and mailed them to the individuals involved with a little note that said “This is a stick. If you have one like it up your butt, pull it out. If you don’t, go beat yourself in the head with this one, because you’re rude and you tried to ruin our wedding. Please remember this as your kids get old enough to get married. Weddings are joyful occasions, not a time to look as if you’d just had a prostate exam with a chainsaw. Try to act accordingly.”

Nobody said anything, but the next year at his sister’s wedding, they were much nicer. One of them even spoke to me without being forced.

Some people are too self-centered to care who they hurt or how. If you do invite them to your wedding, put their placecards for the reception in the corner by the kitchen or the bathrooms. Or out in the alley…

9

Everyone makes really good points, and if I didn’t know this part of the family as well as I did, I’d say you could be right - but unfortunately, they have a knack for being like this at events that aren’t all about them. I understand completely about social anxiety - I have it and it makes big events like this difficult for me- except it was mostly my family and I had a few Xanax at this one to help me through - but I don’t think that’s what this was about for them. This isn’t the first family event they’ve done this at, and the fact that it was my brother’s wedding made it a little more personal. I’ve tried to concentrate on the fact that there were 190 other people there who had a good time and who were happy for my brother.

Missy2U, I am counting on large doses of Klonopin and Xanax to help myself through my own wedding in a year and a half- I may be hitting you up for horror stories!:slight_smile:

Jazz, it was Norah Jones’ “Come Away With Me”:). If I can get the video, I’ll send you a copy. And you know I get shy, too - you’ve seen me clam up - we’ve both seen each other clam up:). I just didn’t think this was the same thing for them.

BadBaby, infighting is always a possibility. It honestly wouldn’t have surprised me.

Monty, the thing is, my whole family is a very emotionally showy family - we all wear our hearts on our sleeves and don’t hesitate to show emotion. So for them not to do what we’re all used to - it made me wonder.

thatDDperson, that’s hysterical! If I didn’t feel like dealing with nasty phone calls from my aunt and cousins (because if they feel like they are the injured party, they don’t hesitate to let us know:rolleyes:), I would do that. As far as my own wedding, we’re planning a much smaller affair than this one was - possibly in Vegas - so whether they’re invited or not will be totally up to me. At this point, I’m leaning towards no. Why would I invite them when I can invite friends who would be happy for me, and be happy to be at the wedding?

Ava

10

At least they didn’t steal stuff from the reception, which is what the nightmare relatives did at my wedding reception.

11

They actually refused to shake hands? The cut direct? That is inexcusable. Emily Post would have pimp-slapped them up and down the hall.

12

Thazzzright. You have to at least shake hands. You don’t have to chit-chat, but you can’t behave like a friggin’ alien either.

I would have to ask them, was it the menu? The bride’s colors? The lighting? God, all I need is a lampshade and a table top and I’m good to go at a wedding. Poor people. They know not what they miss.

13

Part of the reason I think Eve is so cool is that she still uses phrases like “the cut direct”. :slight_smile:

That’s nasty, avabeth. Is this actually common, or are they like actual real humans most of the time?

14

In that case, feel free to let them know, that in the interest of keeping their fragile feelings from getting stomped, they don’t need to attend family functions and they need not expect invitations from you in the future.

I have my own wedding horror stories, and I let all my relatives and my new inlaws know that because of their behavior, I wouldn’t be inviting them back in the near future. My MIL and her SIL got in a fist fight in the middle of my living room two hours before my wedding. My MIL picked my wedding reception to fall off the wagon after 20 years. My brothers got drunk and disorderly, (which is my fault for having an open bar I suppose.) And the relatives I let stay at my house, (I was hiding in a local motel,) basically trashed my home. It’s bullshit, and you don’t need any part of it. (Especially when it comes time to send invites to your wedding.)

Congrats to your brother and his bride though. Glad it turned out well otherwise. :slight_smile:

15

avebeth

For horror stories check out http://www.etiquettehell.com/.

My husband’s family were unhappy that we were getting married and were trying to talk him out of it even ON OUR WEDDING DAY. Didn’t take, still married 26 years later. :stuck_out_tongue:

His oldest brother acted like a corpse at the feast. Just got drunk and glowered at the floor.

16

There is no excuse for behaviour like that. None. If you’re going to be a wet blanket at a social event, just don’t go. If you do go, make a freakin’ effort.

As for your own wedding, avabeth, whatever you do, don’t invite people you don’t want there. I didn’t invite my own father to my wedding, because it is his speciality to ruin social events for other people. (Well, that and I haven’t spoken to him in three years and don’t ever plan to again.)

17

You say the are country cousins? Is it possible that they feel like stupid rubes at some events and feel that they fit in at others?

You say they are only like this sometimes. So, either they operate under some screwed up family dynamic in which any one of the group can make the rest of the group be total butts at an entire event OR because of things they have in common, there are some events that make them react this way.

Send them a note and say, “Hey, you dumb hicks, we wouldn’t invite you if we didn’t want you to have a good time.”

Seriously, once people imagine that they are excluded, they can get pretty darn defensive.