Please don't ruin my wedding, Or at least learn my name (long, advice request)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m getting married!! yeahhhhhhhhh. My finacees-brothers-live-in-girlfriend is trying to ruin it. Yippie.

To date she’s:

  1. Called me (consistently) by a bastardization of my own name (Casey rather than Cassie)
  2. Changed the wrong name calling to the name of fiancee’s ex-from-five-years-ago as soon as we announced our engagement.
  3. Hi Opal!
    [sub] i just learned to do that, sorry [/sub]
  4. Asked me to be an attendant since her boyfriend (Joe)[sub] names changed to protect the innocent [/sub] is the best man and cried when I explained that I have four sisters, which takes up an entire wedding party.
  5. refused to attend wedding now because of #4
  6. is attempting to refuse to allow Joe to attend as well.
  7. scheduled herself for elective surgery (two months in advance) the day before my wedding.
  8. uhm nevermind. too long.
  9. called his very religious mother to tell her that we’re living together before the wedding
  10. “accidentally” dropped and broke a wedding candleholder that was given to me last week

ARGHHGH. There’s more, but I’m too frustrated to deal with it and I don’t wanna go to the pit… I live in the same neighborhood as them (who also HAPPEN to live together, unmarried, unbeknownst to mom), can’t avoid her to save my life, and am on the brink of popping her in the nose.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS??? I adore Joe, hate feeling like there’s a family rift develping because of a wedding, which (last I checked) was supposed to be a happy occasion.

Oh, my guess to the reason she’s acting this way is she’s upset that she and Joe aren’t getting married, still, after 7 years of dating. I’m sorry for that, but not about to apologize for my own happiness.

I’d really like suggestions as to how to deal with this. I know i’m pretty new, but my lurking has taught me that dopers have the most creative advice out there, and a Heaping Gob O’ Sympathetic Ears ™, if no solution.

thanks!!

sic

2

Poison, poison, poison. (That’s what she obviously is, not a suggestion about how to deal with her.)

You should sit down with your fiancee right away and discuss how to limit contact with her. You may be right about her reason for being unhappy with you, but I predict you are in for more of the same for as long as she is around. I have inlaws like that too.

I say be happy if she keeps her promise not to attend the wedding. I bet she doesn’t.

3

Hi from another newbie… :smiley:

Is “Joe” aware of all this? What does your SO think? It sounds like you’ve already tried talking to her, to no avail. Sit down with your fiancee and his brother and try to work out a solution ASAP before things start to snowball.

4

I will second cher3’s advice in hoping she DOESN’T show up. Joe’s been with her for 7 years, he can obviously handle her neuroses (or ignore them, which works just as well) and he will be able to deal with her attempting to extract him from the wedding party.

It could end up being worse than her breaking a candleholder if she does show up. Picture this: “If anyone should have a reason that these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.” :eek:

Don’t watch ‘28 days’ if you do decide to let her come. :smiley:

5

Keep in mind that people are pretty wierd when there is a family wedding. I am sure that part of the problem is that she’s not getting married. Just limit contact, be glad she’s not coming to the wedding and, with any luck, she’ll bitch her way right out of the family.

6

Thanks, you guys (secret newbie handshake to peanut)

I should have mentioned these other things but didn’t want to get tooooooooooo long:

I’m pretty deaf, and only know that she calls me the wrong name if someone tells me… it’s usually when she’s talking about me, rather than to me, but does call me by the ex’s name in converstion with me (i speak and read lips just fine, I don’t use ASL)

Joe does know about it, and he’s also at a loss to deal with it… Like Venoma mentioned, he’s been with her long enough to ignore her bizarre behaviour, for the most part, but doesn’t know how to smooth over things like this.

aghhhh, i did see 28 days. I can easily see that happening… Fortunately, we’re getting married in Florida, we live in Oregon, so her showing up drunk, unexpected, isn’t too much of a risk. I think…

No wonder people elope, which, oddly was our initial plan…

I wish I could come up with a way to just nip the chronic irritating in the bud; and I no longer really care if she hates me for life. I suppose that’s going to happen no matter what, for whatever reason…

sic

7

Bwah! Now THAT’s funny!

On preview, you say you don’t really mind if she hates you for life? No problem. Call her on it. Tell her you know she’s been a twit and uninvite her, whether she had already uninvited herself or not. If your fiance (fiancee? make up your mind which gender you’re marrying, fer crissakes) wants his brother’s girlfriend there, tell him that he and his brother will have to deal with her, because you’re done. Last-minute wedding plan stuff is enough to unhinge anybody, and if you play it right, any amount of rudeness on your part will be perceived by your family as wedding jitters or frazzledness.

8

Avoid and ignore. How she feels one way or the other isn’t going to make you change your plans at all, right? You’re still getting married, still on the same day, still at the same time and still to the same man. In the midst of all the avoiding and ignoring make those facts crystal clear to her and everyone else. Since she’s not planning to be at the wedding, her involvement from this point forward should be absolutely zero, which will make avoiding and ignoring her a simple thing to accomplish.

Sit down and have a talk with the SO’s parents. Take 'em out to dinner and have a heart to heart. You are marrying their son, and will be a part of their family from your wedding day forward, so start out with them in the best possible way. Let them know what you are experiencing with their other son’s SO and how upset you are about it all and how you fear that her actions and attitudes will ruin a day that should be a happy occasion for all concerned. All this should be done in a concerned, caring, MATURE manner…no bitchiness or cattiness allowed.

I’ll bet almost anything that she’ll be at the wedding, surgery or no. She’ll keep trying to upset you right up to the bitter, bitter end. The more you rise above her cattiness, the more outrageous she’ll get. Pretty soon she’ll be digging her own grave ever deeper with every word that comes out of her mouth. Save your frustration over what she’s doing for private, and keep your public face one of calm acceptance.

If she can’t call you by your correct name, ignore her attempts to address you. She wants you to constantly correct her, because then she knows it bugs you. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

Too bad, she can’t be an attendant at your wedding. If by some slim chance she doesn’t find it in herself to attend the wedding or associated functions, I’d tell the absolute unvarnished truth to anyone who asks me why she’s not there.

I can’t help but feel for Joe in all this. By scheduling surgery for the day before your wedding, she’s forcing him into making some difficult choices. If you are planning a rehearsal or grooms dinner the day or evening before, where is Joe supposed to be? At her bedside or performing the honor of being the best man at the wedding? I’d get that ironed out ASAP.

9

Yikes! That really stinks. I’ve had to deal with uber-passive/agressive people as well, but they’ve never been family (or close to family). I’m not one for confrontation, but hopefully you are, because you can’t just blow her off like you can an acquaintance.

Was you fiance’s ex a friend of hers? If so, that may be her beef. But I agree with Ethilrist, she is just so jealous she can’t even see straight. It’s very immature behavior and you may have to treat her appropo of the way she is behaving–scold her, finger in face and all!

But seriously, she needs to be dealt with, maybe after the wedding you can tell her you didn’t appreciate her vindictive actions while you were planning the most important day of your life and she will just have to get used to the fact that you will be part of the family now.

10

it sux - it really does but the wedding must not be stopped because of this one A-hole. Be glad she’s getting a boob job or facelift and can’t come.

11

As Saint Zero and I learned when we were wed: This Statement Is Not Required. Not that we would have had any dissension, of course: but this does not have to be in the wedding. You can leave it out, and the wedding will be just as legal.

12

One thing I’ve learned is that weddings bring out the worst in people. EVERYONE has something to say about something. The colors are wrong, the music is wrong, they refuse to come if Cousin Z is coming, and so forth. It is frustrating when dear Aunt Francine pitches a flier because she doesn’t like the choices on the menu and she insists you change them to suit her.

It is YOUR wedding, and YOU can do what you want. Don’t let the assholish behavior of these people get in your way.

Robin

13

The “uninvite her” part may have frightened you when it was mentioned, but don’t let it.

Due to some really awful stuff that I will not go into here, we had to uninvite my husband’s stepbrother from being in the wedding party. He knew damn well why, and for his own reputation’s sake didn’t tell anybody.

Stand up for yourself RIGHT NOW. Do not wait, it will only get harder. No-one will blame you for her bullshit, trust me. When it comes to new family stuff, you must set boundaries early and often, or you may find yourself unable to set them at all (been there, done that, want my t-shirt?).

Good luck, honey. :slight_smile:

14

Talk to your fiance. Cry. Let him know how upset you are. Let him know that you are afraid that she will force Joe to pull out of the wedding at the last minute. Tell him this is your day, and you don’t want that woman there. Then the two of you need to go and see Joe.

On the day, any chance you have a large family member to act as bouncer? Or even a smaller one to lock her in a cupboard before the ceremony? :slight_smile:

Depending on how you think you could cope with the reaction, I would stand up and tell the woman that she’s not welcome at your wedding. Tell her loudly and in front of witnesses that she’s made it obvious that she hates you and disapproves of your marriage, and that you don’t want to give her the chance to ruin your wedding day.

Ok, the result will probably be that you’ll lose Joe as best man. Do you think she’ll let him be best man anyway? Have you considered preparing a fifth guy to be stand-in groomsman if she throws a tantrum and prevents Joe from attending? It’s best to be on the safe side.

15

http://www.etiquettehell.com

Submit a story, laugh-and say-“Thank god it wasn’t THAT bad!”

16

She asked you to be in the wedding party?? :eek: That’s the tackiest thing I ever heard of! Not emily-post-sez-it’s-tacky tacky, but totally tacky in sense that it was a completely and utterly inconsiderate thing to do. It automatically puts you in a bad position. I really admire you for sticking to your guns. It must have been hard to tell her no.

I disagree with Deej. I don’t feel sorry for Joe. He made his bed, he’s gotta sleep in it. He has freely chosen to be coupled with this woman, and he chooses to continue to be coupled with her. He has to suffer the consequences. I’m sorry that the fallout of his bad decisions has fallen on you.

Since I obviously have no practical advice, I’ll just say “hang in there” and “good luck” and “break a leg.” In 50 years you’ll be telling these stories to your wonderful grandkids while a certain sour and nasty old woman yells at kids to get off her lawn.

p.s. Welcome to the boards. Nothing we like better than a good rant!

p.p.s What’s #8? Pleeeease?

17

I say you beat her at her game with kindness. Since she has already said she won’t be at the wedding, well just say “I am so sorry you feel that way and we will miss you. I hope your surgery goes smoothly.” When she mentions that Joe can’t come reply “why would you want Joe to miss out on the opportunity to give the toast at his brother’s wedding. I know that [name of your SO] looks forward to doing it at Joe’s wedding.” Then ignore her. Have other things to do when she calls. This is not rudeness, just self-preservation. Also note that you don’t say that Joe is going to marry her.

I also like Deej idea of talking to the future-in-laws. But remember to stress what a wonderful man they raised and how happy you are to be starting out a life together with him (it strokes their ego and makes them more comfortable to listen to what you have to say).

The reason I mention you being kind cause you are already under alot of stress with the wedding plans, so this will lessen this stress a bit. Just repeat your replies over and over. Also make Joe deal with her more, it is his SO and he needs to quit being a wimp.

18

Oh wow, you guys are GREAT!!! I can’t belive the support I’m getting here!!

I think I’m agreeing with the people who are telling me to take the high road and kill her with kindness. If that doesn’t work, hopefully as the date approaches, my nerves will kick in and I will be able to just ‘snap’, get it out in the open, and have it done with. Backup attendant doesn’t sound like such a bad idea… I’m going to talk with my fiance when he gets home here shortly… Joe, although he isn’t overly thrilled with her behaviour, is in a bad position, and I don’t want to make it worse. I’d feel no anger for him if he feels (for his own home’s peace) that he can’t be in the wedding. I just hate to see anyone hurt.

** Green Bean **, Yeah, he invited herself to be a bridesmaid. (Near quote) “Well, since Joe’s going to be the Best Man, I assume I’m at least a bridesmaid.”

Fortunately I was so stunned by her comment that laughing about the number of sisters I have, denying her that ‘honor’ was easy. Besides, I thought she HAD to have been kidding, until she burst into tears for ‘such an embarrasment’.

I’d also like to point out, for the record, we’re all GROWNUPS, in age. I’m the youngest, at 29, she’s 34, brothers are 34 and 36. I’d be a little more understanding if she were 12. Wait. No, I wouldn’t. 12 is old enough to act better than this.

** Guinastasia ** THankyou thankyou thankyou for the link~ at least I’m laughing some now…

** Nutty Bunny ** - No, the ex and her weren’t friends. As a matter of fact, i’m told she was horrible to her while she dated Ross. [sub] for ease, i’ll just call my sweetie that from now on…[/sub]

This is interesting considering:
[li]** #8 **[/li]
shortened version. We had a smallish engagement party a month ago with about 20 friends, including her, of course, course… Rather than rent a hall, etc, we just held it at the bar I work at during open hours. Miss Snot (which I will now refer to her as) took it upon herself to call the ex, of whom she had no relationship with and (i’m told) HATED during the course of that relationship, and asked her if she’d show up ‘to be funny’ and ‘surprise the happy couple.’ I am not kidding here. Fortunately, his ex is a pretty cool chick (i’ve met her, there’s no animosity whatsoever, it’s been a loooooooooong time, folks). She not only declined Miss Snot’s request, but emailed us to ask WTF??? (We woudln’t have known otherwise, and when Miss Snot was asked about this one, she stated she thought it’d be funny) Ex’es comment to me “I see she likes you about as much as she liked me.”

I didn’t add that to the initial list because I didn’t want to take up all the space.

I have a good sense of humour. I can laugh this off about 90% of the time. But I hate to see brothers having issue with the SO of the other, and REALLY hate (although I’m beginning to see it’s common) to have a wedding be the cause of family, well, crap.

Que Cera, cera. RSVPS need to be done in a week, two, tops. Guess we’ll know by then if the ‘not coming’ threat will be carried out. Besides, airfare needs to be bought…

thanks again, so far, and I’m still totally open to suggestions yet unspoken.

19

Yikes! I’m glad The Ex is a nice person. Miss Snot is obviously trying very hard to stir up trouble.

This isn’t a bad idea. My mother-in-law’s then-boyfriend-now-husband, “Nimrod,” is a horrible, embarrassing, overbearing, terribly loud, obnoxious, meddling, lying boor. (Let’s just say that the first time my folks met Jeff’s folks, Nimrod’s preferred topic of dinner-table conversation was “vaginal mucosal secretions.”) We were concerned that he would do something embarrassing–and loud–at the wedding. So we assigned the following goon squad:

The Best Man: 6’3", 240 lbs.
The Photographer: Extremely obese. Did a great job of running physical interference.
Tamara: Black belt and bad attitude, 5’11", 200 lbs, and looking lovely in a floral dress and straw hat.
Jay: Not too big, but decidedly scary looking in his military dress uniform.

Funny, the Nimrod behaved just fine. :slight_smile:

Our goon squad just kept him away from us as much as possible. He didn’t try any stunts. And thanks to the ovoid photographer, he’s in none of the pictures.

And with regard to the “wedding party” problem: About a month before the wedding, Nimrod asked us pointedly “what are the men in the wedding party wearing.” I said, “The men in the wedding party are wearing blah-blah-blah. You can wear whatever you want.” Heh heh. I hate him.

20

Oh Green Bean,, thanks for that story, and extra thanks to **Cazzle ** for the suggestion… Obviously, you survived a not only potential, but looking imminent problem at your wedding. Is your goon squad out for hire??

More random thoughts of my own. Let her come (or let her not, I basically don’t really care.) I sincerely think Joe will not allow her to affect his being in the wedding. Aside from aquiring my own muscles(my dad is about 6’4" and pushing 300, my three brothers take up after him as well.), I’ll just let her behave as she may. It’s gonna be a small reception (about 30 people) One obnoxious pain in the neck is just going to be obvious, and I can’t imagine is going to reflect on me whatsoever (although I can see my family members cornering Joe and asking what the heck he’s doing with her…)

Wow. I can’t believe how much better I’m feeling already and how trivial she’s becoming. I literally had a lump in my throat for the better part of the day just thinking about what she’s going to do next. I’m starting to think they should rename “wedding jitters” to “Wedding spastic paranoia about any and all potential mishaps, insults, injuries, screwups leading to sleeplessness, schizophrenic behaviour patterns and eloping to Vegas.”

Just for mention, though, I wanna invite Tamara. I like her already.
sic