Jimmy Fallon has got it trending so thought I would start it here
Basically what do you regret saying
I can’t think of anything for me right off, but it immediately brings to mind one of my favorite sets by Mike Birbiglia, in his comedy special What I Should Have Said Was Nothing, in which he explores this very concept.
[QUOTE=Mike Birbiglia]
I actually have a habit of making awkward situations even more awkward.
I was moving a new bed into my apartment recently, and this woman who lived in the building opened the front door for me with her key, and she goes,
‘‘I’m not worried because a rapist wouldn’t have a bed like that.’’
Now what I should have said… was nothing.
What I did say was… ‘‘You’d be surprised.’’
[/QUOTE]
I’m asking a friend to sign a petition and she seems hesitant. So I blurt out “It’s just a signature. It’s not like we’re asking for your first born son!”
THEN I remember her first born son died at age 4 of a murder/suicide at the hands of his father.
Thread over; what do I win?
I was at a bar, talking to the lady sitting next to me. She tells me she help runs the local women’s shelter, so I tell her the joke about Tempura House, the shelter for lightly battered women.
While the words are coming out of my mouth, my brain is going “you used to be a reasonably intelligent person…what happened?”
I work at a DV shelter, so yeah, awkward. To a certain extent, employees of such places have to be the public face of the organization we work for and we are often shouldered with a sense of social responsibility for whatever that issue is. It’s not like I could laugh at such a joke even if I thought it was funny (which I may or may not kind of sort of do) so either way I get stuck looking like a humorless jackass.
People say some weird fucked up shit when they learn you work for a DV shelter, I guess it’s a function of certain people not being able to handle serious subjects very well. In my writer’s group for some reason certain people bring it up a lot. One guy remarked on someone else’s character, saying he would ‘‘deck that bitch,’’ then he looked at me frantically and said, ‘‘Not literally, of course.’’
Well, okay. That’s good, I guess. I didn’t ask to be the resident Domestic Violence language monitor, I’m just here to write books.
[QUOTE=Annie X-Mas]
I’m asking a friend to sign a petition and she seems hesitant. So I blurt out “It’s just a signature. It’s not like we’re asking for your first born son!”
[/QUOTE]
:eek:
I thought I had N-word privileges with a fairly new African-American friend. As soon as it fell out of my mouth I was like “Waiiiiit! Take it baaaack!!!” but it was too late. Yeah. I’ve never made that assumption again.
Just…you’ll pardon me for grinning, right? 
-_- Laugh it up, fuzzball. This was years before I met you.
Many moons ago some dear friends of the family stopped by my parents house to announce that their daughter was engaged to be married. I piped up with “When’s the baby due?”. Dead silence. Turns out it was due in about 5 months. Me and my big mouth. What a pair we are.
oh since I talk faster than I think I tend to pop out some doozies …
like when a certain substuite teacher who thought disabled kids shouldn’t be in public school gave ne hassles and we agrued in class (we had a running battle over the years ) I was dismissed to detention and threw up a seig heil and a salute out the door … she was of Jewish descent
theres others …
A co-worker has a son whose arm had been amputated. I knew this full well.
That didn’t stop me one day when I casually told him the joke about how to get a one-armed man out of a tree (you wave to him).
Luckily he took it well.
mmm
You may consider it done. 
I managed a twofer!
So I was doing a comedy show in Hamilton, and a couple I know came out to watch, to my surprise; I had no idea they were coming. I went over before the show and said hi, thanks so much for coming, etc. etc.
I’ll call them John and Jane. I notice Jane’s got a baby bump and my brain - I was tired - tells me “yes … correct … Facebook … Jane pregnant.” So I say “Guys, thanks for coming. Gosh, let me buy you a drink! John, wasn’t it scotch? Jane, no alcohol for you of course, ha ha ha.”
And she says “Why not?”
Shit.
See, that’s when my brain filled in “Ha ha asshole. Jane WAS pregnant, but she had the baby six months ago, dumbass, and you’ve held the damn baby and know its name and it’s just extra baby weight, what the hell’s she gonna do, it’s her third kid, good luck getting out of this one! Ha ha ha!”
I stared at her, quickly summing up my options; run away? No can do, the show must go on. Kill myself? No can do, I wasn’t sure if my insurance paid off in the event of suicide. So I went with saying…
“Umm… uhh… errr… I think maybe you’re becoming an alcoholic.”
Friend of mine in college was seriously into bowling. He was at his dad’s bowling league one night and met the daughter of one of his dad’s teammates. The girl had Downs Syndrome or something like that. Anyway he’s just making small talk and asks her if she bowls. She says yes, and he follows with “So what’s your handicap?”
You could have thought she was maybe breastfeeding.
I was at a wedding and in the bathroom when the bride’s best friend came in too. I went on about how it was so nice to see the bride wearing a not-strapless dress because every bride wears a strapless dress these days and they’re so unflattering etc. etc. She was like “Hmm hm. It’s a classy dress.”
Go back downstairs and the dancing started. Bride comes out … in a strapless dress. I guess the lacy shoulder-covering part just attaches for the ceremony in the church then it can be taken off. :smack:
I gave birth to my son via c-section. A couple hours later, my sister came to visit her new nephew and me in the hospital. I said groggily to Sis as she held the baby, “I think he looks like you but that’s okay – he’ll probably get better looking.” The only thing I can say in my defense is that I was still coming out of anesthesia and not fully compos mentis. :smack:
After the birth of our second child, my wife asked “What did it look like?”
I said “Messy.”
I think she was looking for something along the lines of “a beautiful miracle”.
Oops.
I’ve shared this very special hoof-in-mouth moment before.
In the '80s I worked in an office with a young woman whose mother was dying of a particularly horrible brain cancer tumor.
One day I had a horrible headache and was complaining all over the office. I said to her “My God, this is so bad I think I have a brain tumor!” I immediately apologized; she was very gracious about it, but I had to avoid her for a few days because I was so freakin’ embarrassed.
Good save!
To a Jewish bartender who zingered me: “They could have used you at Auschwitz.”
In a meeting, the hostess, a pretty blonde, had a PPT presentation. One slide had single pictures of all the people in her department, including hers. She said, “I apologize, that picture’s from 2008.” I said “You don’t look any different. What do you do, bathe in the blood of virgins?”
Steve, a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, invited me over to his house with a bunch of other old friends. His GF was sitting off to the side, reading. I didn’t want her to feel excluded, so I asked her “Sherry, how have things been going?” She froze up and said “WHAT did you call me?” I stood there dumbfounded. Steve came over and said “Her name’s Lisa.” Sherry was the name of his previous GF.